Talk is Cheap- A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 1 (with some final thoughts on Rachel’s ending on The Bachelorette)

“So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, ohh,” Dave Matthews Band, So Much to Say

Hello everyone. I know it’s been a minute, but honestly, I needed a break. I tried to recap The Men Tell All episode of Rachel’s season, but even just watching it was painful enough and I Just. Couldn’t. Do. It. We get it- Lee is a racist. Honestly, the episode gave us nothing else noteworthy and I didn’t want to give that toolbox any more than his already diminishing 15 minutes. And as for the finale- well, I think I’ve made my feelings clear about Bryan for some time now. And I was massively disappointed in Rachel for choosing him. She and Peter seemed like a much better fit, but she was so focused on getting her proposal that she totally picked the wrong guy, in my opinion. Let’s just be honest with ourselves for a minute here- this show is never really about getting married. How many of these couples have actually done so? And Peter was right that getting engaged after such a short period of time was a terrible idea, so now she can go ahead and date Bryan for a while and a year from now be lamenting the fact that she gave up her chance of having beautiful, gap-toothed babies for the idea of a wedding that will never happen. But maybe her loss is our gain, because I would happily watch a whole season of Bachelor Peter. Oh, and I’m sorry that I have said nothing of Eric’s dismissal, but I never understood his appeal or thought she would choose him. That said, he was very charming when they brought him out to speak to Rachel on ATFR and looked better than ever with that quasi beard, so there’s that. Anyway, while I am still reeling over what might have been with Peter and Rachel, let’s move on to the main event, shall we?

Paradise was destined to be big news this year, after the alleged sexual misconduct and the halting of production, but this 2-part premiere fell extremely flat, in my opinion. First of all, let me just repeat how much I HATE the intro.  It’s really stupid and it annoys me every single time. Of course the entire first hour was just arrivals, which, quite frankly, looked like a who’s who of Nick and Rachel’s seasons. First up was Raven, followed by Dean and then the Russian orphan Kristina, and it plays like a bit of a love triangle between the three. And then Danielle M (the one with the dead fiancé from Nick’s season) shows up and she seems into Dean too. I mean, who can blame them? He’s a cutie. Ben Zorn (one of the only guys NOT from Rach’s season, as he harks way back to the Kaitlyn days) shows up next, and he puts a full court press on Raven, which she seems not at all interested in. Then Iggy arrives with his pit stains on his shirt and the rest of him presumably chock-full of ‘roids and protein powder and it seems he’s into Dean more than any of the other ladies. Jasmine shows up next, followed by creepy Jack Stone whose opening line is “People may think I’m a serial killer.” Yep- you hit the nail on the head there, Jack Stone. Alexis shows up in her dolphin/shark costume, followed by DeMario, and Derek, also known (to me, anyway) as Bobo Jim Halpert. Then tiny little Alex, also from JoJo’s season, shows up and finally, we are treated to the arrival of Princess Corinne. As always, she has a glass of champs in hand, a headful of hair extensions and a look that says she’s here to stir some shit up. She grabs yet another glass of bubbles and says, “To making paradise Corinne again.”

Meanwhile, Dean and Kristina bond over their crazy families, and you know I love me some sweet Dean, but come on dude- “You’re the orphan, right?” is hardly acceptable first date chitchat. Just then some chick named Lacey who I don’t remember at all from Nick’s season arrives, but apparently she met Nick while riding a camel? Couldn’t pick her out of a lineup, but she has just enough crazy potential to be entertaining on this show. Diggy arrives next, wearing a cute pair of glasses and I think I like him. I’m not sure we got to see enough of him on Rachel’s season and I have a feeling that he might be entertaining here in paradise. DeMario and Corinne flirt at the bar and she seems completely hammer times already. Vinny, who appeared on paradise last year and got dumped for the guy with the lamp, is back, but I cannot for the life of me remember whose season he was originally on. Matt from Rachel’s season arrives in his penguin suit and he appears to have gotten himself some hair plugs since last we saw him. Good on him. Nick from some season long ago is wasted and hitting on Jasmine pretty aggressively. They all seem pretty drunk for how early in the day it appears to be. Whatever. They’re young. What else do any of them have to do besides sell tooth whiteners on Instagram?

Amanda Stanton arrives for a third go on this franchise, saying things didn’t “work out” with Josh. Shocking. Taylor, she of the “emotional intelligence” shows up next and she and Budget Jon Krasinski seem to hit it off. Jack Stone is all up on Amanda, who basically says this show was her back-up after being turned down for Raya, the “famous people’s tinder.” Doesn’t she have two kids she should be looking after instead of worrying so much about finding a dude? Alexis says she isn’t feeling any of the guys. Actually, more specifically, she says her “vagina isn’t dancing” which I’m assuming means the same thing. Nevertheless, I like her and hope she sticks around because I have a feeling she will be highly entertaining. CH enters and says Jorge the bartender will not be with them this season, so they bring in Wells who is “here for the right reasons,” which in this case means bringing them drinks instead of hooking up with any of the girls. CH says the ladies have the roses week 1, which means some of the guys will be going home.

Vinny enters with a date card, which is for Kristina. She asks Dean and Wells consoles Danielle, who he apparently knows from Nashville. Who else predicts that the two of them will hook up at some point? Lacey kisses Iggy and I vomit in my mouth a little. Dean and Kristina go to “dinner” where they can’t eat a thing, as is the norm for this franchise, and they dance and make out, too. Back at the resort, Jasmine is over Nick, who is VERY drunk, and Matt swoops right in to make out with her in the hot tub. The next day, Lacey says her grandfather died and she has to go home, which of course Iggy panics about because now there will be nobody to give him a rose. Classy. Soon after, Robby enters, like a grossly spray-tanned, combed-over douchebag with the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. He lists his profession as “social media influencer” and I hate him more than I did on JoJo’s season, which is saying a lot. He has a date card, which he decides to give to Raven so they can bond over being “runners-up” or some bullshit. They make their way off together and Jack Stone creepily flirts with Danielle. I guess I can stop using that adjective, as everything Jack Stone does is creepy. On Robby and Raven’s date, they ride jet skis and he plays with his hair and talks about himself- A LOT. And correct me if I’m wrong, but he seems to be wearing eyeliner. And he’s definitely wearing a shit ton of hairspray to keep that coif in line. He keeps talking about his “personal growth journey” and it’s as if a lightbulb goes off every time he opens his mouth because his teeth are just so white. He keeps saying things are in his “wheelhouse” and I don’t think I can take another season of him. With any luck, he and his spray tan will fail to couple up and will be sent home early, though somehow I doubt we will be that lucky. Robby is reality TV gold and his lack of self-awarness and complete and total ass-hattery are the gifts that just keep on giving. They go back to the resort and Raven makes fun of him to the girls. Then Matt has a date card and asks Jasmine. For some strange reason, they end up at a drag bar and Matt has to dress up in women’s clothes. It’s one of the stranger Bach dates, for sure. But they seem to have a good time and they make out while Matt has drag glitter all up in his beard. Back in paradise, drunk Nick is mad cause he thinks his rose is going to be given to Matt.

There is a cocktail party before the rose ceremony, where they surmise that 4 guys will be sent home. Iggy works on trying to impress Alexis, which does not work at all. I don’t blame her. I find Iggy abhorrent on every single level. Taylor is busy being the WORST, yet again, and Raven and Ben kiss. Suddenly, producers pull DeMario and Corinne aside, and just like that, the cameras are down and production halts. Of course it’s TO BE CONTINUED, and when we pick up the following night, we are first subjected to the marriage of Evan and Carly.  They do a whole recap of their “journey” and quite honestly, I don’t care one little bit. They are both annoying and probably a perfect fit. Or they’ll be divorced within the year. Again, I DON’T CARE. She looks pretty though, and of course CH officiates. We are joined by most of Bachelor Nation for the ceremony, and Juelia and Jade are both bridesmaids, while Wells is a groomsman. Evan has some weird vows and I can’t wait for it to be over.

Finally, we are back in paradise, minus Corinne and DeMario, obviously. They rehash the “dramatic events” and CH really wants us to know that they found “no misconduct.” I mean, except for the obvious- plying young people with liquor and encouraging them to fight and/or have sex, of course. The cast pretty much sides with DeMario and condemns Corinne for drinking so much and the whole thing feels a little icky. According to the footage they showed, it didn’t look like DeMario did anything wrong, but it’s still not cool to slutshame Corinne so publicly. Anyway, they are all happy to be back in paradise, working on making connections. It seems, however, that in the time they’ve been away, a few people have changed their minds about who they had “connections” with. Matt is clearly over Jasmine, who begins acting a bit like a stalker. Alex is all over Amanda and doesn’t seem to catch on that the feeling isn’t mutual. Dean feels “closed off” regarding Kristina. The only “relationship” that seems to pick up where it left off is that of Derek (Budget Halpert) and Taylor, who go on a date and seem to be really into each other. At the end of the episode, both Jasmine and Kristina are crying, of course. Because rejection and alcohol don’t mix well, as this franchise has taught us time and again.

In summary, I think this season will be worth watching, but I’m not cool with the way they exploited the allegations of sexual misconduct. I get that they wanted to milk it for ratings, but I think it was handled poorly. That said, will I still watch? Absolutely. Has Robby gotten even more insufferable than we ever could have imagined? Yes. And will I continue to ask myself questions like this and then answer them? I sure will. See you all next week. Until then, for the greater good of all involved, please don’t buy anything Robby is hawking on Instagram.

Meet the Parents- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 8

“I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel. I’m cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. Wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. You’re a little late. I’m already torn.” Natalie Imbruglia, Torn

Hello everyone. Welcome to this week’s recap of what would normally be the overnight dates, but this time, was a bit of a hybrid of “meet the Lindsays” (minus papa Lindsay, of course, cause he’s a judge and he doesn’t play that fake TV bullshit) plus one and a half fantasy suite dates. Confused yet? Don’t worry. We all were. I’m guessing the reasons for switching up the order of things all season long will  make sense in two weeks when we get to the finale, but until then, let’s just talk about what we saw this week, shall we?

This week, instead of straight-up fantasy suite overnights like we are used to seeing, Rachel threw us a curveball and had the men come to Dallas to meet her family before they flew off to an exotic location to spend some romantic time together. Her sister, Constance, is 37 weeks pregnant and unable to travel, so Rachel needed the men to come to her family home to meet everyone. Apparently, Constance is at that point in her pregnancy where she is also unable to fake whether or not she likes any of these guys, and having once been that pregnant myself, I have to say, I get it. Constance is a breath of fresh with every eye roll and every direct, hard-hitting question. She isn’t here to play, and I personally loved every second of it. Her husband, on the other hand, piped in at the most inopportune moments and said nothing of value in any of these conversations, but more on that later. Peter is up first to meet the family. Rachel and Peter go pick out gifts for her nephew Alistair and his baby brother, who’s due to arrive any day now. Peter remarks that he needs to step up in terms of showing Rach how he feels, because he thinks he was almost sent home last week. He tells her that he didn’t express himself properly at his home town date, and that he is falling for her. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Eric and Bryan awkwardly gossip about how Peter has made it clear that he might not propose at the end. I mean, I get that it’s the point of the show, but am I the only one who thinks Peter may be the only smart one in the bunch? Getting engaged after a few weeks is bananas and often doesn’t work out, so his strategy of just getting to know one another and see how it goes makes a lot more sense. But Rachel has been very clear that she doesn’t want to go home with just another boyfriend, so there’s that.

Anyway, at Casa Lindsay, we find out that Peter’s parents got engaged after a month and have been married for 36 years. Rachel’s sis seems skeptical and Peter seems to pick up on this, as this is the most awkward I’ve ever seen him. Rachel and her sister go talk, and Constance’s husband (no idea what his name is, but again, the producers seem to really want us to notice that he, too, is white) says to Peter, “You know, she’s not perfect.” Come on, bro-in-law- he’s already lukewarm on a proposal. Throw Rach a bone, here. Peter answers like a champ, though, and says that he has yet to see a red flag. When Peter talks to Rachel’s mom, he admits that he’s not sure about a proposal at the end and therefore, doesn’t feel like it’s right to ask for her permission to marry her daughter. I feel like Mama Lindsay gets it, cause she seems to respect him for it. She tells him to just be honest with Rachel and not play with her heart. Peter charms everyone in her family, particularly little Alistair (who is ADORABLE) and Rachel’s cousin, whose name I don’t remember. Proposal or not, I still think he’s her soulmate and will be really sad if she doesn’t pick him. That said, if she doesn’t choose him in the end, I believe her loss will be our gain- Bachelor Peter, all the way. Continue reading Meet the Parents- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 8

Everybody Hurts- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 7 (with a few brief thoughts on Episode 6)

“I’ll be your savior, steadfast and true. I’ll come to your emotional rescue.” The Rolling Stones- Emotional Rescue

Hello everyone. I know this recap is a day late (or, if we are being technical, a week and a day late) but I was on vacation last week. And, quite frankly, I kind of needed a little break after that “dramatic 4 hour event” a few weeks ago. I had every intention of posting while I was away, but if I’m being honest, the lure of the cold pool and the icy rosé overruled watching what was sure to be a throwaway episode, because there was absolutely no part of me that thought her top 4 weren’t already locked in 3-4 episodes ago. I mean, did any of you really think she was going to choose Creepy Doll Guy and Penguin Suit over the other men she’s been heavily making out with since the very beginning? Neither of those two ever even got a one-on-one or scored the group date rose. All I really took from the episode was a bit of foreshadowing that really played into the hometown dates, like Bryan’s claim that he may have some “mommy issues” or Dean’s “emotional baggage” that made him hesitant to bring Rachel to meet his family or Eric talking about his intense family issues or Peter’s uncharacteristic semi-racist comment that he’s never dated “a…black…one.” I’m going to chalk that up to him not realizing how it sounded because A) I don’t think he’s a racist and B) I still say he’s her soulmate. But I definitely did cringe a bit in that moment. And also, Peter is being pretty clear that he may not propose at the end of this, which I’m sure the producers are loving, so that when he actually does, it can seem “surprising.” But enough about last week’s episode. Let’s dive into the depressing soul suck that was the hometown dates.

We start with Eric, who brings Rachel home to Baltimore. They play a little basketball and meet up with one of Eric’s childhood friends, who tells her he’s never brought a girl home to meet his family. Eric grew up in a tough neighborhood and made himself a promise when he was young that he wasn’t going to follow in his family’s footsteps and go “on the streets” so he studied hard, got straight A’s (apparently the word “facade” never bested him on a spelling test prior to this show) and worked to get himself to a better place. I have to say, it’s the only time I’ve ever even slightly understood why she likes Eric, but I was a little scared to meet this supposedly crazy family, which I’m sure Rachel was, too. And then, just like that, we enter into a room full of people who seem… perfectly lovely. His mother, father, and aunt all came off well, and it kind of seemed like his parents were taking the opportunity to apologize to Eric for anything they may have done wrong when he was a kid. It was a nice moment for all of them and they seemed to really like Rachel a lot. Eric didn’t say he loved her, per se, but he did admit that he really cared about her, which she felt was a lot for him, so she seemed happy. Continue reading Everybody Hurts- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 7 (with a few brief thoughts on Episode 6)

Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2

“I’m in control. Never gonna stop. Control. To get what I want. Control. I like to have a lot. Control. Now I’m all grown up.” Janet Jackson, Control

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of what CH touted as a “shocking 2 night Bachelorette event” but in reality was simply 4 long hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Most of it was so boring that it was nearly unwatchable, but the one good thing that did come out of it was watching my girl Rachel Lindsay finally claim her crown and take charge of things like the true queen she is. This week, girlfriend cut more dead weight than a supermodel prepping for a Victoria’s Secret show and I couldn’t have loved it more. Even my husband, who truly hates the hours I make him waste watching this franchise, glanced up from whatever else he was doing a few times to remark, “I like her. She seems really smart” which is something he has never said about any contestant on this show, EVER. So while I’m still annoyed to have spent so much time on this show this week, this recap is already a day late, so let’s get to it, shall we?

We open where we left off last week and this episode clearly could have been titled “Everybody Hates Lee.” Rachel is off floating in a boat with Bryan while Lee and Kenny continue to bicker. Will says he wants to watch, just in case a punch gets thrown, presumably. Meanwhile, in the boat, Rachel and Bryan make out with So. Much. Tongue. It’s a bit off-putting and he seems a little insincere to me, but she’s way into him, so get yours, girl. Kenny and Lee argue and it goes nowhere, except that Kenny keeps calling Lee a bitch. Rachel and Bryan return and she gives the date rose to- you guessed it- Bryan. While the other guys are fighting over her, the suavecito chiropractor is actually spending time with her, so I totally get why she would give it to him. Plus she clearly wants to do the dirty with him, so there’s that, too.

Then Rachel has a one-on-one with Jack Stone, the lawyer from Dallas, who I find to be totally creepy.  What I didn’t realize was how much creepier he was going to get as the date went on. She mentions that they have so much in common that on paper, they seem like they would be a perfect match, so she wants to see if there is any spark between them. They ride in a carriage where the conversation is awkward, at best and then they dance and it gets even worse. He’s a terrible dancer and he eventually goes in for a kiss, which she clearly isn’t into, so she gives him the requisite peck and he waxes poetic about how it’s the best first kiss he’s had in a long time, which just tells us that he’s neither good at kissing, nor at reading signals from the ladies. At “dinner” things go from bad to worse, conversation-wise. It looks like they’re drinking water, so there’s not even booze to minimize the awkwardness. It’s like a bad job interview where you know the applicant isn’t getting the job but he totally thinks he’s in. At one point, she asks him what he would do if he could take her to Dallas and he begins with, “First off, I’d lock the door…” and that’s all she needs to hear. She picks up the date rose (in my mind, all I could hear was the Borat voice saying “you’ll never get this, lalalala”) and sends him packing. He keeps smiling like he has no idea he’s getting sent home, even as she’s saying the words, and his teeth are so big that his smile is off-putting, like everything else about him. I get what she means about being perfect on paper- you look at his face and he should be attractive but he’s just not. Eventually, he stops grinning like an idiot and leaves without much fanfare- just a flash of blinding white teeth sneaking off into the dark of night. Continue reading Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2

No Scrubs- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 4

“I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night. And he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light. He’s gotta be sure and it’s gotta be soon and he’s gotta be larger than life.” Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out for a Hero

 

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of our favorite train wreck, The Bachelorette. And speaking of train wrecks and this franchise, let’s take just a quick second to touch on the scandal of Bachelor in Paradise, shall we? About a week ago, ABC announced that they were shutting down production of BIP indefinitely due to allegations of “misconduct.” At first, nobody was in any way surprised, and then even less surprising was the news that said “misconduct” involved Corinne and DeMario. It was a lot of “he said, she said” but basically, the gist was that something hyper-sexual went down in the pool involving the two and the next day, Corinne said she was too drunk to consent. A producer who witnessed the event failed to show up for work the next day and filed a lawsuit against the show. There is a lot we still don’t know (like whether the rumor that said producer was a friend of Corinne’s, as was reported by a few “news” sites) but what we do know is that the show was cleared of wrongdoing after an investigation (which shouldn’t be that tough, as the entire incident would have been captured on camera) and will be returning to film ASAP. Whether the cast will still include Corinne and DeMario remains to be seen, but what I do know is that I am even more curious to see it now, which may well have been the entire point. It has to beat the current season, which, as much as I still adore Rachel, I have to say is a total snooze with the worst batch of losers this franchise has ever seen. So, with that being said (to use Nick’s favorite phrase), let’s recap this week.

We open where we left off last week- at the cocktail party where everyone is whining and complaining. Eric keeps shouting about how “his name was in someone’s mouth” and he ends his rant by encouraging the men to “do you. Imma do me.” Honestly, we are off for two weeks and this is what we come back to? BORING. And I have no idea why she likes Eric. He’s annoying, not cute and stirs up way too much drama. I mean, I know it’s slim pickings in that house of horrors, but there are so many better options than this douche. Lee interrupts Rach and Kenny like the true creeper he is, and when Kenny asks for a bit more time, he just stands there, awkwardly lurking, until he gets his time with Rachel. Everyone hates Lee as much as I do, it seems. Dean calls him a bitch, which makes me like young Dean even more. Lee tells her some odd, insincere story about a dead grandfather (grandmother? I wasn’t really paying attention) and etches the word “enchanting” on a piece of wood. The other guys chit-chat and complain about Lee and then Jack Stone, who is a lawyer, is apparently unfamiliar with the word “quirk.” Where did he get his law degree from, University of Phoenix online? (No offense to anyone who graduated from there. I would just rather not have you defending me in a court of law, thanks.) Dean hints at Lee being a racist (which we all know to be true now, based on the tweets that were uncovered recently) and Kenny says he’s going to “handle his business.” She makes out with Bryan- AGAIN- and calls him a “breath of fresh air.” Continue reading No Scrubs- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 4

Bad Blood- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 3

“I turn my cheek, music up and I’m puffing my chest. I’m getting ready to face you, you can call me obsessed. It’s not your fault that they hover, I mean no disrespect. It’s my right to be hellish. I still get jealous.” Nick Jonas, Jealous

Hello everyone and welcome to week 3 of this shitshow also known as The Bachelorette. Before we start, I have to make a correction from last week. I believe I mistakenly said Rachel made out with Alex on one of the group dates, when it was really Bryan. Considering the fact that they look similar, it was an honest mistake, but later in this episode, Alex mentions that he hasn’t kissed her yet, so my apologies. Anyway, while I am still ride-or-die for Rachel, I’m beginning to think the producers really outdid themselves this season by rounding up the biggest bunch of idiots and losers in franchise history, and if you’ve watched this show even half as much as I have, you know that’s saying a lot. I mean, there’s the Whaboom guy and Lucas and their weird feud, DeMario the cheater, Lee and his racist tweets and Bryce and his transphobic comments, just to name a few. And then there are reports that Bryan, a clear front-runner to go far in the competition and the recipient of the first impression rose (and Miss Lindsay’s first makeout sesh) was accused of insurance fraud. (He is a licensed chiropractor in Pennsylvania and was allegedly sued by Allstate Insurance regarding the matter, as reported by Radar Online.) Last week, we left off with a TBC directly involving one of these aforementioned Dbags, so without further ado, let’s see what DeMario has to say to try to get back into Rachel’s good graces.

As we open, the security guards hold DeMario at the gate while they fetch Rachel. A crowd of bros gathers outside while DeMario grovels and gives Queen Rachel some BS “quotes” about life and mistakes. He begs her for another chance, but Rachel isn’t biting. She tells him that she needs a man who owns his mistakes and from what she saw earlier, he is not that. She sends him on his merry way, but you can’t blame a guy for trying. They all head back inside to continue the cocktail party and nobody seems sad for DeMario to go. Buh-bye. Jonathan, the “tickle monster,” accosts her with some fake giant hands, which she pretends to find funny. They hug, but no kiss, because, well, he tickles her and wears fake giant hands. Sexy he is not. She says she’s “impressed” by Alex and compliments Will’s “outgoing personality.” She and Kenny chat and he shows her pics of his daughter and it makes me like him, even though I don’t find him particularly attractive at all. Any guy who is a good father automatically gets a thumbs up from me and Rachel seems to feel the same. Meanwhile, Whaboom and Blake continue to play their usual weird game of cat and mouse and it’s really creeping me out. Lucas tells Rachel that he woke up to Blake seductively eating a banana in his room while he was sleeping (what does that even mean?) and Blake’s denial of the incident is almost as odd as the accusation itself. “I don’t eat carbs cause I’m on a ketogenic diet,” Blake deadpans, and I hate him even more than Whaboom in that moment. CH enters and tells them it’s time for the rose ceremony. Peter, Josiah and Dean already have roses and the rest of the roses go as follows:

  1. Bryan (insurance scammer)
  2. Bryce (transphobic dude)
  3. Eric (Urkel entrance maybe?)
  4. Anthony (to which I said out loud “who?”)
  5. Will (I didn’t remember much about him but he makes himself known later)
  6. Jonathan (tickle monster)
  7. Jack (I think he’s a lawyer)
  8. Matt (maybe penguin suit guy)
  9. Alex (Russian dude with the abs)
  10. Adam (maybe creepy doll guy?)
  11. Kenny (single dad wrestler)
  12. Brady (model with the big hair)
  13. Lee (country crooner and part-time racist)
  14. Iggy (?)
  15. Fred (former camp counselee)
  16. Diggy (fashionista)

Blake and Whaboom and some other guy whose name I don’t know are sent packing. Blake can’t take any responsibility for his own shortcomings, of which there are many, and his insistence that a banana is a carb seems to be merely the tip of the ice berg, but he complains that Lucas “ruined it for both of us.” As they are giving their final exit interviews, they have another weird interaction and I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks it’s as likely to end in a passionate kiss as it is to come to fisticuffs. “You’re here for the wrong reasons… you wannabe comedian!” shouts Blake, and Lucas retorts with “Go back to your protein shakes! Go back to your steroids!” Finally, they are out of the mansion and out of our lives, and not a moment too soon. Continue reading Bad Blood- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 3

Lyin’ Eyes- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 2

“Get out (leave) right now. It’s the end of you and me. It’s too late (now) and I can’t wait for you to be gone. Cause I know about her (who) and I wonder (why) how I bought all the lies. You said that you would treat me right but you were just a waste of time.” JoJo, Leave (Get Out)

Hello everyone. Welcome to week two of this season of The Bachelorette, where it seems that everyone is lying about something- some of the guys who aren’t “here for the right reasons,” some of the guys who claimed to be athletic but played basketball worse than a 7th grade girls’ team, and even Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who for some reason pretended it was their idea to come on this shitshow cause they are such “huge fans.”  One of them has to be contractually obligated somehow by ABC, right? I mean, I get it- I watch it every week as well, but they have to be the biggest A-listers who would ever deign to come on the show, voluntarily, anyway. Well, while we are all trying to find the link that ties the Kutcher/Kunis clan to ABC or its parent company, this recap isn’t going to write itself, so let’s get started, shall we?

We open with Rachel cavorting around the Westlake Village Inn with a cute dog who is wearing a cast on his leg. (We later find out that this is her dog, Copper, when he accompanies her on a date.) CH arrives at the mansion to tell the guys that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and with that, he delivers the first date card. It’s a group date that says, “I’m looking for husband material” and it includes Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and good ol’ WHABOOM himself, Lucas. The guys show up to a BBQ, where Rachel mans a grill and encourages them to eat, drink and be merry. It appears to be just a casual BBQ with a little touch football for good measure, and I quickly wonder if Lucas has done a few bumps of coke beforehand, because he just can’t seem to settle the eff down. WHABOOM, indeed. Blake seems to have a personal vendetta against Lucas (and we later find out that is exactly what it is) and he keeps threatening to “expose” him. I’m sorry, Blake, but Rachel is an attorney. Give the girl a little credit- I’m sure she knows that he’s not “here for the right reasons.” And I’m also sure that the producers are aware of the beef between Blake and Lucas and have encouraged her to keep them both around for a while to incite some drama. (Also, did I just use the word “beef” to describe a feud? What am I- a mid-90s rapper with an axe to grind? God, I hate myself so hard sometimes and promise to never use that phrase again.)

Suddenly, like a beacon of perfect, shining love to gaze upon, Mila and Ashton show up to help host the “Husband Material” games. Basically, it’s an obstacle course that makes the guys change fake diapers, carry a baby in a Baby Bjorn, fix a sink, set a table, etc. The first guy to complete the course wins, but what they win isn’t clear. I do kind of love that they say their Monday nights consist of cocktails (him), wine (her) and The Bachelor, cause it kind of sounds like my Monday nights for the past nine years with my husband, though it seems like Ashton kind of digs it while my husband is a decidedly less willing participant. The games begin and these guys are dry-heaving over fake baby poop, which I can’t imagine has anything on the real thing, so this doesn’t bode well for their future dad skills. Most of them (except Kenny, who actually has a kid) seem to have trouble with the Baby Bjorn, and somehow Iggy gets eliminated and sent to the “doghouse.” Lucas and Kenny seem to be vying for the lead, and just before the finish line, Lucas pulls a dick move and stiff arms Kenny to take the lead. (So shocking that Lucas wouldn’t fight fair, isn’t it?) After his “victory,” Lucas attempts to get Ashton to participate in his WHABOOM nonsense, but Kelso don’t play that. He just looks at him like the moron he is and leaves him to full body heave on his own, embarrassing only himself in the process. Continue reading Lyin’ Eyes- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 2

Hello, I Love You- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 1

“Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil

Hello everyone. There is a saying that goes, “the days are long and the years are short,” and while I don’t necessarily think whoever said that had this particular franchise in mind, I do find it quite apropos, since it seems that even though it’s been a while since we’ve spoken about this show, it somehow always seems to be on.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know I just can’t seem to quit it, especially when one Miss Rachel Lindsay is handing out the roses this go-round. And while the first episode is always a bit of a slog (So. Many. Introductions), there was a bit to discuss in this premiere, so without further ado, let’s get to it.

First and foremost, I didn’t think it was possible for Rachel to get more beautiful, but with her “Bachelorette makeover” (mostly just piles of hair extensions and lashes), she has outdone herself. I am so happy to see that they didn’t give her the requisite Bachelor franchise veneers to close her tooth gap, because I find it so cute and endearing and would have been really annoyed if they had convinced her to “fix” it. She opens the show talking about how excited she is, now that she really believes in the process, and how she’s nervous to put her heart out there but she’s willing to give it a try.  Guys, this may come back to be something I retract later, but I really, really like  her, even through all the fake “Bachelorette” bullshit pageant contestant rhetoric. Like with every first episode, they give us some insight into some of the more “memorable” contestants, like Kenny, the pro-wrester/single dad with a 10-year-old daughter, or Jack, a lawyer from Texas whose mom died when he was a teenager (that one kind of made me tear up- I’m not going to lie) or Alex, a Detroit-based “meathead” who is actually a self-proclaimed nerd who likes to “code” in his spare time while he’s not pumping iron at the gym or barbecuing with his mom and dad who he may or may not live with- it was unclear. There was also Mohit, a tech guy/Bollywood dance enthusiast and Lucas, who was… well, how does one describe Lucas? His job description was listed as “Whaboom” and just when you want to ask yourself, “What does that mean, exactly?” do yourself a favor and don’t. It can only best be described as a full-body dry heave during which every muscle shakes and then he lets out a long, loud shriek that puts the syllables “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOM” together for some inexplicable reason. I’m genuinely concerned for Lucas’s mental health and certainly see his presence on the show as a ploy to stir up drama and some kind of ratings, as no girl would ever want to bang the Whaboom guy. Blake is a personal trainer based in Venice, California who talked a lot about sex and even more about his magical penis. I mean, I know I’ve been married for a long time, but it is my understanding that guys who have to talk so much about sex and/or their penises are compensating for something. I kind of hate him already. There is a guy named Diggy from Chicago who wasn’t clear about what he does for a living but wanted to make it known that he’s into fashion. And then there’s Josiah- an attorney from Florida who had a troubled past-brother committed suicide as a teen, he himself got in with a troubled crowd in the aftermath and was arrested before he decided to turn his life around- so of course I liked him, since I am notoriously a sucker for any tragic tale. But he also seemed WAY into Rachel, having never met her, so I may change my opinion as the season progresses if he turns out to be stalkerish. Continue reading Hello, I Love You- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 1

Talk of the Town- A Real Housewives of New York recap for Season 9- Episode 3

“What about your friends? Will they stand their ground, will they let you down again? What about your friends? Are they gonna be lowdown, will they ever be around? Or will they turn their backs on you?” TLC, What About Your Friends

Hello everyone. Welcome to the recap for episode 3 of RHONY. This week was chock-full of fighting, choosing sides, back-stabbing, and the confirmation of what we’ve always suspected but had yet to confirm- the fact that Dorinda has friends everywhere, and if you try to f*^@ with her, she will have an entire of file of reasons to take you down. Dorinda is gangster- this much we now know.

Right from the jump, it becomes clear that this is going to be a Hamptons weekend. We see  Sonja and Tinsley packing, Lu giving a tour of her (quite beautiful) SAG Harbor house, and Bethenny joking that she is going to invite Donald Trump for the weekend and “lock him and Carole in the guest house for the weekend and see how that works” (at least I think it’s a joke.Who knows? I wouldn’t put it past B to be friends with someone like him.) Bethenny tells Carole that Sonja talked badly about Luann and Dorinda, Sonja and Tinsley prove as much by talking about Luann (well, “talk” might be an understatement. Tinsley can barely get a word in) and Tinsley says Sonja needs to let the “lovers” talk go once and for all. Amen, sister. Luann, Dorinda and Victoria (Lu’s daughter) talk about Tinsley and Sonja, who is supposedly “sober” and Dorinda passes around a pic of Sonja looking full-on hammer-times to disprove this theory. Of course Luann brings it back around to her relationship and wedding- “I think she’s jealous”- and Dorinda says she’s going to kill Sonja with kindness when she finally sees her, presumably at the dinner party Ramona is throwing over the weekend.

Carole won’t let go of her “election stress” and you can tell Bethenny’s patience is wearing thin regarding any topic of conversation that doesn’t directly revolve around her. Carole doesn’t want Ramona coming to her election party and Bethenny thinks Carole is being condescending. They go to acupuncture to relieve their stress, where Bethenny remarks that she’s never seen Carole so worked up about anything. (“I didn’t even know Carole had a pulse,” she quips and then goes right back to making it all about herself, waxing poetic about her own “faux spirituality.”) Carole, clearly a stranger to the science of Eastern medicine, asks the acupuncturist if he can do something about her toe fungus, and I am immediately transported back to her saying she had five good summers left last year. When that toe fungus sets in, it’s the beginning of the end, lady. Might as well send young Adam on his way and get a few more cats and just lean into your bleak future, Rad-zi-ville. Carole then whines about Bethenny’s “secret hell” with her ex and commends her for suffering in silence, because she doesn’t “really talk about it.” Unless of course there is a magazine willing to pay her for a story, that is. Bethenny gets “cupped” like a true rich, white Gwyneth and says, “I don’t care what I look like. This is a group of beat-up women.” Present company included, obviously. Continue reading Talk of the Town- A Real Housewives of New York recap for Season 9- Episode 3

The Bitches Are Back- A Real Housewives of New York Recap for Season 9- Episodes 1&2

“I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch. Oh, the bitch is back. Stone cold sober as a matter of fact. I can bitch, I can bitch cause I’m better than you. It’s the way that I move, the things that I do.” Elton John, The Bitch is Back

Hello everyone and welcome to my first-ever Real Housewives recap. I meant to write this last week, after the premiere of the new season, but I didn’t, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because my kid has been on spring break so I couldn’t find the time. Whatever the reason (laziness, being busy, not drinking wine on the weekdays- it’s a long story) I just want to start by explaining why I decided to recap RHONY.  First and foremost, Bravo is my religion and I will pretty much watch anything Saint Andrew Cohen deems worthy of my viewing pleasure, but of all the housewives franchises, I think New York may be the crown jewel. I know OC is the OG, and I watch every season, but I just can’t connect with those ladies the way I do my NYC housewives. And Beverly Hills is great- I have watched every moment of every episode- but when you live in Los Angeles, it almost doesn’t have the same aspirational quality. I mean, don’t get me wrong- I’m hardly having high tea in the garden of Villa Rose with Hanky and Panky like Queen Vanderpump, but after 15 years in SoCal, the glamour of the Los Angeles franchise doesn’t measure up somehow. Watching the women of New York be driven around the city to all their fave restaurants and hotspots on the upper east side, shopping their days away, all the while living in fabulous town houses is somehow a fun escape for a die-hard West coaster like myself.

Before we get into anything regarding the episodes, let’s discuss the new taglines. First up is Dorinda, with “I tell it like it is, but I always make it nice,” a thinly-veiled reference to her amazing and unforgettable Berkshires meltdown last season. Next up is Ramona, squawking in her shrill voice, “I’m an acquired taste. You don’t like me? Acquire some taste.” Then we have Sonja, with the brilliant, “There’s nothing grey about my gardens.” Um, this we know, “Sonja with a sexy J” because you have been very clear about the fact that you have no “garden” in your lady parts. Carole is next, with “In the politics of friendship, I win the popular vote.” Um, only if Bethenny is the one voting, sweetheart. Luann of course has to mention her upcoming nuptials, so hers is, “The only title I’d trade Countess for is wife.” Again, as always, it’s about Tom. Then of course, Bethenny has to come in last, with her signature bitchy tone saying, “If you’re going to take a shot at this B, you better not miss.” I’m going to come clean straight away about my distaste for Bethenny. When she started, years ago, she was my favorite. I thought she was funny, authentic, and most of all, genuine in her search to find love and have a baby. As a woman in my mid-30s when RHONY began, I totally related to her ticking clock and her fears that it just might not happen for her. And then she got married, and right after that, her business became successful and she got very, very wealthy and when she came back two seasons ago, I couldn’t stand her. I don’t know if it was the money or the divorce or what, but I think she is a truly mean person who enjoys hurting other people. That said, she makes great television, because love her or hate her, we can’t stop watching her. Continue reading The Bitches Are Back- A Real Housewives of New York Recap for Season 9- Episodes 1&2