A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action- A Bachelorette Recap for The Men Tell All Episode

“It started with a whisper, and that was when I kissed her. And then she made my lips hurt. I could hear the chit chat. Take me to your love shack. Mama’s always gotta back track when everybody talks back.” Neon Trees, Everybody Talks

Welcome to part two of this week’s Bachelorette recap- The Men Tell All episode. Like you, I was just excited to see the return of The Chadelor in all of his meat-eating glory, and he did not disappoint. At the very start of the show, we see Chad arrive in a town car like the boss man he is (or thinks he is) and he walks directly to a trailer with his name on it. I can only presume that trailer was full of protein powder and cold cuts, and Chad enters, with a cocky smile and a suit that I hate to admit was fitting him like a second skin. But we don’t get to see him for a little while, so let’s get to the rest of the episode first.

Chris Harrison opens with the joke, “Chad is here. And so is security.” The crowd goes wild. And then they quickly cut to a lengthy Bachelor in Paradise promo, where it appears that Chad runs amok and at some point utters the phrase, “F*#@ you, Chris Harrison.” Juicy. I am happy to see so many faces that I am sure will bring the drama; Ashley I. still appears bat-shit crazy, and still psychotically in love with Jared, for no reason whatsoever, Nick Viall is there and “falling in love” for what seems like the 80th time on this franchise, Jubilee and Lace are both among the cast, as well as the twins Emily and Haley and, according to Chris Harrison’s VO, “multiple marriage proposals.” A big fat “HELLS YES” from me.

We see the panel of guys, and I literally don’t recognize a few of them. I’m wondering if they pulled some who were let go on night one? Evan tells us that he thought, “Goodness gracious, God bless America,” upon laying eyes on JoJo for the first time. I still find him repellant and love that he was referred to as “the cock doc” a few times throughout the evening. Luke also talks about their intense chemistry from the first meeting, which I don’t think anyone- including JoJo- would deny. They show some boring recap clips, most of which focus on Chad’s overeating and everyone’s dislike of him. You can tell from the jump that this episode is Chad’s show, and we are all just living in it. They touch a little on the rivalry between Derek and Alex, but none of it is very compelling, except for when Nick B. calls Alex “manipulative, an instigator” with a “Napoleon complex.” Touché Nick B, whoever the hell you are. Wells, who says he’s “friends with everybody,” gives Alex a bit of a pass on his behavior, blaming it on the combative nature of his military training. Luke, who has also been in the military, isn’t buying it, and the crowd goes crazy when he says that maturity helps you become the guy who isn’t always looking for a fight. Subtle burn, Luke. Just when the season ends, I’m starting to come around on you. There’s a lot of back-and-forth and honestly, none of it was very compelling, but they cut to Chase several times and he’s wearing a dapper, well-fitting suit, so I pour another glass of wine and continue to watch. Continue reading A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action- A Bachelorette Recap for The Men Tell All Episode

Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 8

“He says all the right things at exactly the right times, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.” Vertical Horizon, Everything You Want

Hello and welcome to this week’s installment of my Bachelorette recap. This week, we were treated to a double dose of crazy, thanks to back-to-back airings of the overnight dates, followed by the Men Tell All special. Before I get into the first part of this recap, I want to start by saying that I’ve never particularly loved this portion of the show.  I know it’s touted as the most “juicy” of all the episodes because of the sex factor but I still think it’s contrived and honestly, pretty boring. Most people will “agree to forgo their individual rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” and so it just ends up being virtually the same thing, three times in a row. It’s a very rare season that all three don’t agree to do so, which is really kind of gross when you think about it, but I’m not here to judge. Or maybe that’s all I’m here to do. I just think that there are only so many times when you can watch the makeouts, followed by the closing of a door, followed by breakfast in bed over post-coital giggles the morning after. But I know the drill as well as they do, and I continue to watch, so I guess I am a glutton for punishment. So let’s get to it, shall we?

We open exactly where we left off last week, with JoJo crouching and crying on the ground of an airport hangar in a tight, blue dress after Luke telling her that he loves her. She is conflicted about the rose ceremony, and she cries a bit and then pulls herself together to go in and hand out the roses. She hands them out in this order: #1) Jordan (no surprise there), #2) Robby (again, pretty safe bet) and #3) Chase. She has chosen to let Luke go, even despite their “insane” chemistry, and he’s left wondering why. She cries and tells him she’s never felt as connected to anyone but was just unsure of how he felt. She sobs loudly and presses her boobies into his tie clip, presumably to comfort him. He seems sincerely sad and I find him much less creepy than I usually do. He kisses her before he leaves and tells her he misses her already. She responds with, “I’m just trying to follow my heart.” He is coming off well in this goodbye, which isn’t always the case with these guys, and I’m starting to rethink my season-long Luke bashing. In the limo, he says that he was “in love with her but never got the chance to love her.” That’s actually a pretty good line. While I still don’t find him particularly attractive, based on this scene alone, I wouldn’t be entirely disgusted if he was the next Bachelor, as is the rumor going around now. But then he cries, and his pompadour quivers with his tears. Sorry Luke.

Back in the hangar, she’s crouching again and talking to herself like a crazy person. I may have turned on JoJo a little as the season comes to a close. She just seems overly dramatic and emotional. And then I remember that she’s like 25 and if my memory serves, she carries herself like a distinguished professor compared to a 25-year-old me. So I’ll give her a pass. Though I don’t know how she manages to crouch so much in those tight, tight dresses. Continue reading Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 8

There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7

“Home, let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you. Our home, yes I am home. Home is when I’m alone with you.” Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home

Hello friends. Tonight, we saw the hometown episode, which is, in my opinion, the most boring one of the entire season, except of course for last season, when JoJo’s mom was pounding champs straight out the bottle and became a meme heard round the world, much to my delight. Tonight, however, offered no such gems- just a bunch of boring, old parents who behaved totally appropriately. Yawn. So with that, let’s get to the episode.

The first date was with Chase in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Apparently he still lives in the town where he was born and raised, and so do both of his divorced parents, which JoJo is informed she will be meeting separately. He set it up like it was going to be fraught with drama, but in standard Chase fashion, it fell a little flat. First dad comes to Chase’s house to meet JoJo, and the first thing I notice is that Chase’s house is “shabby chic,” except not really chic. At all. He’s spent a lot of time talking to JoJo about how his parents’ divorce has shaped his adult relationships, which I get, but he just doesn’t seem to have the emotional depth to back it up. But I still find him  hot. I just don’t really want him to talk. Ever. He tells JoJo he’s had a lot of “highs and lows” with his father, but now his dad is happily remarried and the relationship between father and son seems to be on the mend. The conversation is all a bit awkward, but Chase and his dad trade compliments to each other and to JoJo and his dad leaves, seemingly giving the union his blessing, should it come to that. Though before he leaves, Chase’s dad does mention that he’s not crazy about the odds- “Four guys all fighting for the same girl? What if you don’t win this one?” Well, normally, pops, I’d say not winning really ups one’s odds of being the new Bachelor, but with Chase’s sparkling personality and witty banter being as nonexistent as it is… well, I’m going to say those odds ain’t great either.

They walk thorough piles of snow to get to Chase’s mom’s house, and for once, JoJo’s bulky sweater isn’t entirely seasonally inappropriate.  It’s all or nothing with that girl- she’s either in a turtleneck and baggy pants or a crop-top and hot pants. There they meet Chase’s mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I didn’t bother learning any of their names, because frankly, I didn’t care. I had to rewind a scene at dinner,though, because when Chase toasts and says, “I hope you guys can see what I see in her,” I swear I heard his mother reply with, “You have a spectacular rack and that always goes a long way with me.” For the record, she said laugh, not rack. The mom and JoJo go talk outside. Mom tells her that she knows Chase is crazy about her. And JoJo tells her he’s better at demonstrating his affection than verbalizing it. His mom says the divorce affected him deeply, yada, yada, yada and it’s all a big, giant snooze. Meanwhile, Chase and his sister are having a virtually identical conversation inside. The producers must have really struggled to find a story line here, because it’s all so BORING. Eventually, Chase tells his mom he would be ready to propose to JoJo in the end, and then he tells JoJo he’s falling in love with her before she leaves. They both get teary. If it wasn’t for the bottle of wine beckoning me to finish it, I would have been asleep at this point. Continue reading There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7

Leader of the Pack- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 6

“Marry him, or marry me. I’m the one who loves you baby, can’t you see? I ain’t got no future or family tree but I know what a prince and lover ought to be.” Spin Doctors, Two Princes.

Hello everyone. Welcome to another edition of my weekly Bachelorette recap. I have to say, I was pleased that this week delivered way more than last week, which isn’t saying much, but it was a big improvement. I still miss the antics of everyone’s favorite carnivore Chad (don’t think those two quick BIP promos didn’t have me counting down the minutes until August 2nd, when my favorite trashtastic installment of the franchise premieres) but at least they gave us something to talk about this week, even if only Alex’s gem of a “gaucho costume” and all the bickering about who is, and is not a “front runner.” So let’s get to the episode.

Once again, we open in Buenos Aires. At least we were spared the geography lesson this week. JoJo recaps the previous rose ceremony and says she needs more time with the guys before deciding on hometowns. She also mentions, again, that she is afraid that she might potentially “fall for” two guys, much like Ben’s dilemma in the previous season. I think that’s putting a pretty optimistic spin on the word “love” after only knowing the guys for a grand total of about two months and juggling them all the while, nonetheless, but she’s a romantic. Or delusional.  Either way, girlfriend is in it to win it.

The guys all talk about the “shocking turn of events” at the rose ceremony as well, and the focus is on Alex, saying he needs more time with her cause he’s the only one who has yet to have a one-on-one. And wouldn’t you know it, in a case of perfect timing, in walks Chris Harrison, with the news that this week will contain three one-on-one dates and a group date. However, none of the one-on-ones will have roses up for grabs, so the pressure is off. And better still, he has date card #1 in his hand, and it goes to…you guessed it- Alex.  The card says, “Alex, I gaucho on my mind.” Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of this show, or maybe the editors need some new tricks, but I knew exactly how this was going to go down. Well, I mean, except for Alex’s ensemble, which we will get to in due time, but is a rare Bachelorette moment that has never been rivaled and will likely never be topped in the “looking like an idiot” department. But more on that later. Continue reading Leader of the Pack- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 6