She Came in Like a Wrecking Ball-A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 3

“Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain, yeah yeah.” Milli Vanilli, Blame it on the Rain

Hello people and welcome to our weekly BIP recap. This week was full of highs and lows, tears and inappropriate PDA, with a little rain thrown in the mix for good measure. And crabs- lots and lots of crabs- and not the kind you would think, based on the nature of this show. We saw the return of Hurricane Ashley, we saw Evan needing medical attention, and we saw the aforementioned army of crabs trying to sabotage poor Nick V’s quest for romance. It seems that even the smallest of God’s creatures are against Nick finding love. So without further ado, let’s get to the episode.

We open right where we left off last week, with Evan’s feeble attempt at trying to steal Amanda away from Josh with a “self-made date card.” He boldly walks over to the two of them, mid-makeout (natch) and says “So sorry to interrupt.” He gives her the pretend date card that says something along the lines of “Evan, you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house.” She doesn’t look thrilled to be away from Josh’s tongue for more than 30 seconds, and Josh looks none-too-happy either, but not upset enough not to order (and devour) a pizza in her absence. But more on that later. Izzy remarks that the whole thing is “extremely bizarre.” Vinny calls Evan “the awkward cock doc.” I think that’s the best name I’ve heard for him thus far. So Evan and Amanda are sitting in a tree(house) where he has prepared a makeshift “date” and he asks her if he has a shot. (It should be noted that I choked on my wine at this point. Just reason number 85 to dislike Evan.) She tries to be very nice and respectful to him, letting him down gently by saying that she feels something for Josh and wants to really focus on that. We cut back to Josh, feeling something strong for his pizza, which he sings the praises of (“the best pizza I’ve ever had”) and moans as he eats it, in the exact same manner he does while making out with Amanda. Evan thinks that he is “late to the party” and should have asked her out before Josh arrived. I say that would not have made one bit of difference, but Evan is perhaps the least self-aware person who has ever appeared on this franchise, and that’s saying a lot. You can tell by Amanda’s face that she feels bad, but I wouldn’t worry too much, girl. I’m sure he’s gotten that kind of rejection a lot over the years. As she leaves, Evan confesses that he wanted a “glimmer of hope” and feels like he got one. Huh? Were we listening to the same conversation? His denial knows no bounds. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber when Mary tells Lloyd the odds of them getting together are like one in a million and he responds with, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?!?!” Come to think of it, Evan and Lloyd Christmas have a similar haircut, too. Continue reading She Came in Like a Wrecking Ball-A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 3

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser- A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 2

“Good times for a change.  See, the luck I’ve had can make a good man turn bad. So please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time.” The Smiths, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.

 

Hello everyone. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- Chad’s gone and without him, the whole thing falls a little flat. I mean, don’t get me wrong- part one and two of this second episode were both better than anything we saw on the previous season of The Bachelorette, but without Chad and his madcap brand of crazy, I just don’t see it being the same show as it would be with him. But that’s the risk you run when you get blackout drunk, call everyone names and then shout “F*&^ you, Chris Harrison- come at me!” within the first 24 hours in Paradise. So let’s get to the episode, shall we?

I can’t believe I didn’t mention this last week, but the opening credits are the WORST. It’s a cheesy cover of the 1984 “hit” “Almost Paradise” by some guy from some band (Mike Reno) and the brunette sister from Heart (Ann Wilson) circa 1984 playing in the background, with terribly staged “pratfalls” from the cast. Evan eats a banana, Daniel pours maple syrup on himself while dressed in Canadian paraphernalia and some of the girls do awkward dance moves. It’s so bad. Anyway, after that shitshow, we open right where we left off last week, with the cast doing a slow clap that once again, Chad has been banished. Chad is shown getting aggressive with CH, and then says he’s going to “Tijuana” or going to walk home. At any rate, he gets in his goodbye van and eats cold cuts and drinks whiskey out of a bottle while saying that everything he said was intended to be funny and nobody should have taken him seriously. He thought all the girls were “vibing” his “meat taste” (yes, that’s an actual quote. I couldn’t make that up) and was disappointed that none of the girls stood up and said they wanted him to stay.  His final words are, “Do you know how many people I have to kill?” I still say that if we see Chad on the news one day charged with murder, it will not come as a shock to anyone.

Meanwhile, back at paradise camp, the girls are worried that minus Chad, they are one rose down and one more of them may have to go home. They don’t want any more girls to come, but lo and behold, another lady enters and it’s Leah, from Ben’s season. I felt bad for having no clue who she was, until the rest of the ladies from Ben’s season pointed out that she practically has a new face. Anyway, none of the girls seem happy to see her but she comes in asking everyone where Chad is because she has a  date card and wants to ask him out. Damn it, Chad! If you could have kept your drunken rage in for just one more night, we could have had a real shot at groundbreaking television here! She’s disappointed but wants to get to know the other guys. After a brief flirtation with Daniel and Vinny, she asks Nick out and Amanda is a little upset. Continue reading Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser- A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 2

Almost Paradise- A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 1 (with a brief summary of The Bachelorette finale)

“Is this the way it’s really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should have known better when you came around that you were going to make me cry.” Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around

Hello and welcome to our first recap of season three of the train wreck  also known as Bachelor in Paradise. And I know what you’re thinking- aren’t we skipping something? Well, yes, we are, and that something would be the finale of The Bachelorette. I tried, guys- I really did. I took pages upon pages of notes and really tried to find something- anything- that would justify a whole post, but I couldn’t do it. So I’m going to quickly summarize a few key points of that sleeper of an episode and then we will get to the good stuff.

Where to begin with the Bachelorette finale? First and foremost, they should have called it “the most predictable finale yet,” because there was no part of me, for even a second, that thought she was going to pick Robby, even when they tried to spin it that her family preferred him, or when they tried to give us the fake out of Jordan not asking her dad for her hand in marriage. I’ll also cop to the fact I haven’t been a big fan of either of these guys from the start (just in case I hadn’t made that clear enough so far) but she was always mad about Jordan, pretty much from their first meeting. They open in Phuket, Thailand, which is where both guys will meet her family. She spends the whole episode trying to say how conflicted she is and how she’s in love with both of them, but I didn’t buy it. She knew Jordan was her first choice, Jordan knew it, her crazy mom knew it, and we all did too. But here are a few observations I made during the first scene with her family: Her little sister strongly resembles a pre-plastic surgery Kylie Jenner, and her mom looks like she’s never met a cosmetic procedure she didn’t love. And then there’s JoJo’s dad- her bald, paunchy, waistband up in his armpits on his “dad shorts,” seemingly well-intended dad… Let’s just say that I jotted down that he and JoJo’s mom don’t exactly look like two people who would end up together. And then at some point, I hear him referred to as “Dr Fletcher” and it makes a bit more sense. And then Jordan saunters in, all cocky and insincere, as usual, and it seems the parents may be on to him. But then he flirts a little with Mama Fletcher and she deems him “so genuine.” Clearly English is not her first language. And her parents just keep talking about JoJo’s previous “trust issues” to both Jordan and Robby and I can’t help thinking that this is the first time she’s come off as wildly insecure. There is another moment when she’s talking to her family and a we see a very bratty, whiny version of her, which either she’s kept under wraps all season long, or the producers have worked very hard to provide a more flattering edit for her. I mean, it’s pretty clear to see where it comes from when her mom tells Robby, “She was raised as a princess. I want to make her the queen of your heart.” Robby asks for her hand in marriage off the bat and both of her parents cry. I yawn, as the sound of Robby’s voice puts me to sleep every damn time.

Both Robby and Jordan get another shot at a date with JoJo and nothing much at all happens there. Everything just feels so cheesy and manufactured, just like Mama Fletcher’s face. And JoJo’s boobs. She gets a little bratty with Jordan when she finds out he didn’t ask her dad for his blessing to propose. Dare I say it, but was Chad right when he called her “naggy?” They both write her a letter the day of the rose ceremony. She wakes up and says she’s had a “moment of clarity.” Then they show Jordan calling both of her parents to ask for their blessing. The guys pick out rings, JoJo lays out her dress and talks some nonsense about the “most important day of her life,” and before we know it, the first car is pulling up, carrying none other than (do we really even need a drumroll here?)… Robby. I find it interesting that they never, EVER mix it up in the edit to throw us off. The person who arrives first is always, ALWAYS the loser. Anyway, Robby goes off on a tangent about their special love and at least she cuts it off before he gets down on one knee. But then, for some reason, she tells him she loves him. Not really sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but at least we are nearing the end of this giant snooze of a season. She and Robby both cry, and then Jordan arrives soon after. He gives a speech that sounds like it was written by the producers and then, he’s “down on a knee” (his words- not mine. If I never hear that phrase again for as long as I live, it will likely be too soon) and she basically shouts YES!! Then she gives him the final rose, and we move on to After The Final Rose, where I’m hoping we will at least learn who the new bachelor is, which we do not. They talk about Aaron Rodgers and whether JoJo has met him yet (in short, no. JoJo says, “It’s not our focus right now.”) and Jordan says they are moving to Dallas together. Robby talks to JoJo and gets “closure.” JoJo and Jordan admit the tabloid talk has been “tough” but they “can’t wait to go to Chipotle together.” Jordan hints that a wedding will be next year. I say that marriage will never happen. But I am happy to move on from this season and get to something interesting. So without further ado… Continue reading Almost Paradise- A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 1 (with a brief summary of The Bachelorette finale)