The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap

“So, Sally can wait. She knows it’s too late as she’s walking on by. My soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger, I heard you say.” Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger

So Paradise has come to a close, and I know what you all are thinking- thank God we don’t have to watch that stupid intro ever again. If I have to watch Evan seductively eating a banana one more time, I’m going to hunt down his erectile dysfunction clinic and burn it to the ground whilst I choke him with said banana. But my disdain for Evan and the lame intro of the show isn’t what we are here for, so let’s get to the finale, shall we?

Before we get to the meat of the episode and tackle some of the finer points, I want to say that I found the finale (particularly part two) to be a giant snooze, for two reasons. Number one- putting the remaining couples in “fantasy suites” and having them attend private “final rose ceremonies” is basically just like the finale of The Bachelor/Bachelorette and I’ve always HATED the finale. It’s so predictable. Only a few times have we ever been truly surprised (Brad Womack rejecting both women on his first go-round, Jason Mesnick choosing Melissa and then switching back to Molly on ATFR, for example) but pretty much every other time, the Bachelor/Ette chooses exactly who we think they will. And I don’t know about you, but that “finding love” crap isn’t why I watch BIP (or why I watch Bachelor/Bachelorette, if I’m being honest.) It’s all the other drama that goes down with the people who don’t find love. Give me Ashley I. crying nonstop and stalking Jared incessantly, give me crazy Chad getting wasted and threatening to murder people, give me hook-ups, gossip, drama. The other reason I found the finale so boring was that we already knew who was going to get engaged and who was going to “go home broken-hearted.” They already announced that Nick is the new bachelor, so he wasn’t getting engaged, and the other three couples were confirmed as still being together and/or engaged pretty much when the show started by The Daily Mail (what I like to call my “paper of record” because I am a garbage person and that’s where I get all my news) and a few other sites. Anyway, I watched the whole episode (obviously) and I have a few thoughts-first and foremost, I think they should go back to the Bachelor Pad format, because that show was drenched in tequila, sex and highly unstable personalities- literally everything I want from my reality TV.  Other than that, there weren’t many take-aways from this sleeper of a finale.

We open with Nick in a pair of pink shorts so tight that you can see all of his business, and as I stare at him in these plum-smugglers, I can understand a little more how he made it to the top two in his two previous go-rounds on this franchise. I wouldn’t have expected it, but Nick V. looks like he’s packin’ some heat. He and Jen both say they need time together to see if they have a shot at anything real and just then, a new girl arrives. It’s Tiara, the “chicken enthusiast” from Ben’s season (who later enthusiastically rips into a plate of chicken wings, ironically. Maybe she thinks they come from some other animal?) and of course, she has a date card. Nick goes to talk to her and long story short, he convinces her to give him and Jen her date card. They go on a boring carnival date, where they see a fortune teller who pretty much says they shouldn’t be together. At the end of the date, Nick says he’s scared of letting her break down his walls but that he feels closer to her. Jen seems satisfied with that. Sorry, sweetie, but unless you want to fight 25 other girls for him next season, this isn’t looking good for you two. Oh well. She’s young and very pretty (if kind of light on personality) and I’m sure she will be just fine. Continue reading “The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap”

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In – A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 4-5

“I cheated myself, like I knew I would. I told you I was trouble. You know that I’m no good.” Amy Winehouse, You Know I’m No Good

Hello everyone. I’m back. I apologize for not posting last week. I was on vacation and had every intention of doing so- I watched both Monday and Tuesday’s episodes and took notes like a good little blogger, but I got caught up in the spirit of vacay, which, in my world, anyway, is to hang out by the pool and do as little as possible. So before we get into the meat of the most recent episodes, let’s do a quick recap of last week- the arrival of some randos nobody has ever heard of (Carl, Brett and Ryan, anybody?), the Ashley, Caila and Jared love triangle and the exit of Sarah, and Ashley, who returns five minutes later to ask if she can stay. (Spoiler alert- everyone agrees to this.) And the biggest surprise of last week- the demise of Vizzy, thanks to Brett and his lamp. And then we will get into this week, which, quite honestly, was a bit of a snooze for me, but the arrival of new people every other day continues to make my head spin, mostly because they all look a little bit similar and I’m having a hard time keeping them straight. To say nothing of Wells, another new arrival, who goes on three dates with three different girls in as many days. But at least we got to find out who the new bachelor is, and I’ll definitely be getting into that later. So let’s get started.

So most of last week centered around Caila and Jared and them trying to continue to start a relationship with crazy Ashley lurking around every corner trying to break them up. At the rose ceremony, the guys have the power, and only Daniel’s rose seems up for grabs, which Ashley, the twins and sweet Sarah are all  vying for.  Emily convinces Hayley to “take one for the team” (literally) and kiss Daniel to secure the rose. She’s not into Daniel but she does it and the rose ceremony goes as follows:

  • Grant gives his rose to Lace
  • Josh gives his rose to Amanda
  • Nick gives his rose to Jen
  • Vinny gives his rose to Izzy
  • Evan gives his rose to Carly
  • Jared gives his rose to Caila
  • Daniel gives his rose to Hayley (saving both twins)

Sarah and Ashley are both sent home, but as soon as Ashley’s car takes off, she asks to go back and pleads her case to stay and find love with someone other than Jared. They all agree to let her stay (big mistake on Jared’s part- I’ve said before that he’s too nice) and she’s back in Paradise, ready and willing to try to sabotage Jared and Caila at every turn. Some dude named Carl shows up- nobody knows him. He’s followed by some dude in skinny capri pants carrying a lamp that nobody knows either. Apparently he is named Brett and they are both from Andi’s season. Carl uses his date card on Emily (who subsequently forgets his name on the date but readily makes out with him) and Brett asks Caila out (to which she accepts, then declines, then accepts, then declines again, for a total of about 20 times before they actually end up going on the date. I’m not such a fan of Caila.) It’s a double date and while on it, Caila comes to the realization she shouldn’t have gone because of Jared. But Ashley uses the alone time with Jared to try to convince him that Caila just isn’t that into him (which I whole-heartedly agree with, for the record.) Another new guy arrives soon after and it’s… Ryan, another random dude (from Kaitlyn’s season) that nobody knows. He’s into Hayley and she reciprocates. This doesn’t make Daniel happy. But they go on a date, only after Jared tries to convince Ryan to take Ashley on the date. Hayley finds him attractive. I think he looks like a member of the 70s supergroup The BeeGees, and not the cute one. Meanwhile, Izzy mentions to some of the other girls that she was insanely attracted to Brett from the moment she laid eyes on him (the lamp guy with the skinny jeans, really?) and eventually, she shares this thought with Vinny too. Ouch. A little later, Izzy pulls Brett aside for some alone time and totally downplays her relationship with Vinny. Long story short- Vinny is done. He leaves the next day, and I feel kind of bad for him. But Izzy does not seem to, as she quasi-couples up with Brett and his beard practically the second Vinny exits. Continue reading “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In – A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 4-5”