“So, Sally can wait. She knows it’s too late as she’s walking on by. My soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger, I heard you say.” Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger
So Paradise has come to a close, and I know what you all are thinking- thank God we don’t have to watch that stupid intro ever again. If I have to watch Evan seductively eating a banana one more time, I’m going to hunt down his erectile dysfunction clinic and burn it to the ground whilst I choke him with said banana. But my disdain for Evan and the lame intro of the show isn’t what we are here for, so let’s get to the finale, shall we?
Before we get to the meat of the episode and tackle some of the finer points, I want to say that I found the finale (particularly part two) to be a giant snooze, for two reasons. Number one- putting the remaining couples in “fantasy suites” and having them attend private “final rose ceremonies” is basically just like the finale of The Bachelor/Bachelorette and I’ve always HATED the finale. It’s so predictable. Only a few times have we ever been truly surprised (Brad Womack rejecting both women on his first go-round, Jason Mesnick choosing Melissa and then switching back to Molly on ATFR, for example) but pretty much every other time, the Bachelor/Ette chooses exactly who we think they will. And I don’t know about you, but that “finding love” crap isn’t why I watch BIP (or why I watch Bachelor/Bachelorette, if I’m being honest.) It’s all the other drama that goes down with the people who don’t find love. Give me Ashley I. crying nonstop and stalking Jared incessantly, give me crazy Chad getting wasted and threatening to murder people, give me hook-ups, gossip, drama. The other reason I found the finale so boring was that we already knew who was going to get engaged and who was going to “go home broken-hearted.” They already announced that Nick is the new bachelor, so he wasn’t getting engaged, and the other three couples were confirmed as still being together and/or engaged pretty much when the show started by The Daily Mail (what I like to call my “paper of record” because I am a garbage person and that’s where I get all my news) and a few other sites. Anyway, I watched the whole episode (obviously) and I have a few thoughts-first and foremost, I think they should go back to the Bachelor Pad format, because that show was drenched in tequila, sex and highly unstable personalities- literally everything I want from my reality TV. Other than that, there weren’t many take-aways from this sleeper of a finale.
We open with Nick in a pair of pink shorts so tight that you can see all of his business, and as I stare at him in these plum-smugglers, I can understand a little more how he made it to the top two in his two previous go-rounds on this franchise. I wouldn’t have expected it, but Nick V. looks like he’s packin’ some heat. He and Jen both say they need time together to see if they have a shot at anything real and just then, a new girl arrives. It’s Tiara, the “chicken enthusiast” from Ben’s season (who later enthusiastically rips into a plate of chicken wings, ironically. Maybe she thinks they come from some other animal?) and of course, she has a date card. Nick goes to talk to her and long story short, he convinces her to give him and Jen her date card. They go on a boring carnival date, where they see a fortune teller who pretty much says they shouldn’t be together. At the end of the date, Nick says he’s scared of letting her break down his walls but that he feels closer to her. Jen seems satisfied with that. Sorry, sweetie, but unless you want to fight 25 other girls for him next season, this isn’t looking good for you two. Oh well. She’s young and very pretty (if kind of light on personality) and I’m sure she will be just fine. Continue reading The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap