Catfight- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 5

“You need to give it up, had about enough. It’s not hard to see the boy is mine. I’m sorry that you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. The boy is mine.” Brandy and Monica, The Boy is Mine

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s Bachelor recap. I’m not going to lie to you- it is not yet February 1st, but I did watch this episode with a crisp glass (or three) of sauvignon blanc. My “sober January” served its intended purpose and I made it through most of the month, but I hosted a birthday party for 25 four-year-olds the day before, and that shizz isn’t for the faint of heart, so I rewarded myself with some wine. That said, I found this episode infinitely more enjoyable, and I’m not sure if it was the delicious vino, the inclusion of more Rachel than we’ve seen in previous episodes, or the “meeting of the minds” between Corinne and Taylor.  (We get it, Taylor. You have a master’s degree. But attempting to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person does you no favors in the “emotional intelligence” department either.) We have so much to cover from last night (though calling it “the most anticipated showdown of the year” in the current political climate might be overselling it, Chris Harrison. Calm down and wait until it’s your turn to remind us it’s the last rose tonight. Know your place!), so without further ado, let’s unpack this train wreck of an episode.

We open where we left off last week, with Taylor and Corinne arguing. Rachel has the right idea, as usual. (Can you tell she’s my favorite?) She thinks they should be more focused on their respective relationships with Nick than any of the other women in the house. But instead, they debate the semantics of “emotional intelligence” and so help me, if I never hear that phrase again, it will be too soon. I’m guessing Taylor heard it in one of her psych classes and just wanted to prove she’s a “mental health counselor.”  Corinne seems a little tipsy and calls Taylor a bitch. She tells her a lot of the other girls agree and then they cut to a shot of some of the other girls, and all I can think is how badly they need a lash extension tech to come in and give some fills cause some of these ladies’ lashes are looking rough. Taylor retorts that she doesn’t feel the need to be liked by anyone, and Corinne says Taylor has a “stank face,” whatever that means. (These girls are young- I can’t be expected to know all the lingo.) I’m just in awe that I’m watching two pretty girls- aged 23 and 24- fight over a guy who is pushing 40 whose only discernible job is perennial reality show contestant. It’s tough stuff. But I have to say, Corinne is looking fresh as a freakin’ daisy considering how hammered she seems. I wonder if she can do a beauty tutorial on what kind of primer/foundation she uses… But I digress. Continue reading Catfight- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 5

Who Says You Can’t Go Home- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 4

“Times have changed and times are strange.
Here I come, but I ain’t the same.
Mama, I’m coming home” Ozzy Osbourne, Mama I’m Coming Home

Hello all. Welcome to week 4, where it seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same in Bachelor Nick’s world, metaphorically and literally. This week, we were treated to an early hometown, with all fifteen of the remaining women heading to the suburb of Milwaukee (Waukesha, Wisconsin) where Nick grew up. But before we get into that, there is a bit of ground to cover while we wrap up last week’s pool party (with the infamous sexy bounce house) and the rose ceremony that follows. And there is also the amazing GoFundMe that someone set up for Corinne’s nanny that’s worth a google search if you haven’t yet seen it. (#freeraquel) So let’s get to it, shall we? (And let’s all “cheers” to the fact that this is the last one of these I will watch sober.)

We pick up right where we left off last week, in the throes of the pool party that “Nick” opted to have instead of a cocktail party. (I still laugh every week when they try to pass it off as Nick making any of the decisions when we all clearly know the producers mastermind all of it.) Everyone is pretty pissed that Corinne made a big show of straddling Nick in the bounce house and then flounced off to go to sleep- again. Jasmine wants to confront him about it but Vanessa has already beat her to it.  We are treated to more of her “do you want a wife or just someone to f*%$ around with” speech, with her telling Nick that if he’s looking for a sexual thing, she has no problem giving him back the rose he gave her on their one-on-one. Nick seems super uncomfortable and again, I agree with him on this one. They aren’t even down to single digits as far as the ladies go. It’s a bit early for her to be giving ultimatums. But Nick agrees that he needs to listen to what she’s saying because he cares what she thinks of his actions and behaviors. I’m calling it now- she will be in the top three at the very least, if not the winner. Continue reading Who Says You Can’t Go Home- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 4

Pour Some Sugar on Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 3

“My mind is tellin’ me no but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yes.
Baby, I don’t want to hurt nobody but there is something that I must confess (to you).  I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.”- R Kelly, Bump and Grind
Hello everyone. Welcome to week 3, when things really start to heat up at the bachelor mansion. Sadly, again, I type with a wine glass full of sparkling water and a heart that longs for a cold, frosty glass of a buttery chardonnay. Or maybe a nice, full-bodied cabernet or perhaps a bubbly glass of sparkling rosé. And if simply recapping the show without any libations is tough, you can imagine what it’s like to watch it during Sober January. But my wine withdrawals aren’t why we’re here, so let’s get to the episode, shall we?
First, we pick up a bit later than where we left off last week (or maybe I wasn’t paying attention), but we find out that A)Nick gave Christen the date rose (presumably because she was forced to be privy to the Liz secret before any of the other ladies were), and B) even though Nick hasn’t had a chance to spill all the tea himself, all the women in the house know about his prior dalliance with Liz, and they know she’s gone. This leads to a bit of mistrust of his motives, questions of whether he’s “here for the right reasons” and the like. I find it funny that all of these girls are so shocked that Nick- a three-time Bachelor loser-in-love and proven slut- would hook up with a girl at a wedding and bone her. Have they not watched him on this show before? Vanessa, especially, is grilling him. She wants to know if that is what he’s looking for, if he’s taking it seriously to find a wife and so on and so forth. I love Vanessa, but I don’t exactly think she’s in any position to do a DTR (define the relationship) at this point. I mean, when you come on a show like this, you know it’s a competition, you know he’s going to be dating at most 20 other girls and at least (if you make it to the finale) one other girl besides you. I mean, let’s face it- I’m surprised Liz is the only one who could say she had slept with Nick at this point. It’s truly only a matter of time before he plays hide-the-sausage with Corinne, but more on that later.
Nick enters the rose ceremony and drops this little gem regarding the Liz sitch- “We went to a wedding. Some things happened. We had sex.” So the ladies are all a little wary and want time to talk it over with Nick at the cocktail party. But Corinne has other ideas. While the other gals get dressed up in cocktail dresses, Corinne dons a trench coat and nothing else. She says she wants things to get sexual with Nick and she has a “cute, fun” surprise for him. This little surprise involves a whipped cream bikini that she asks Nick to lick off for her, and he happily obliges, a mere few feet from some of the other women. Things seem to be getting hot and heavy and then Nick grows a conscience suddenly and decides things should slow down a little. Just then, Jasmine interrupts them and Corinne goes off to cry about how the conversation was “so bad for the relationship” and she whines that she wants to go home. It’s clear this girl isn’t used to being told no, though I don’t think we needed this scene to tell us that.

Continue reading Pour Some Sugar on Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 3

Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don’t cha.” The Pussycat Dolls, Don’tcha

Hello, all, and welcome to yet another (sober) recap of my favorite guilty pleasure.  Even without the added benefit of a solid wine buzz, this week’s episode didn’t disappoint, thanks to the machinations of Princess Corinne, who even without her nanny, seems to have no trouble making sure she is never without a cocktail in hand. I called it in episode one that she would be this season’s villain (it didn’t take a genius to determine that, in fairness) and she is living up to the expectations. So without further ado, let’s get into it.

This week opens with the ladies waiting on a date card, and just like that, CH shows up, date card in hand, to make these ladies’ dreams come true. He tells them that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and warns them that there will be some girls who don’t get dates at all this week, due to the sheer volume of women left. (22, but who- besides Nick, of course- is counting?) Anyway, he leaves the date card and goes to do whatever it is that CH does for the many hours he isn’t on camera, and the women eagerly await the fate of the date card. The names on the first group date card are Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. The card says, “Always a bridesmaid.” Obviously, they are going to be doing something wedding-inspired, and who better to do it with than the guy who planned on proposing two prior times on this show and got shot down? What could possibly go wrong? Continue reading Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1

“I’m a three time loser. Caught it up in Monterey, shook it up in East Virginia. Now my friends say it’s here to stay.” Rod Stewart, Three Time Loser

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of my Bachelor recap. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I had planned on trying to recap Vanderpump Rules this season, until I realized that nothing is happening on that show at all this year, and, well- it blows. (Sorry die-hard Pump Rules fans, but Katie does not a leading lady make, I don’t care how many tea towels she sends out to save-the-date.) Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on episode one, the most pressing of which is that watching The Bachelor without wine, quite frankly, SUCKS. (That’s what I get for committing to “sober January” again.) But seriously, without wine to make their lame jokes seem funny and to numb how stupid the whole thing really is, you’re just soberly watching a bunch of people pretend to be in love with someone they’ve known for roughly five minutes. That said, I will still watch and diligently take notes, but I will be counting down the days until my glass is full of a crisp rosé once again. But enough about me- let’s get to it, shall we?

First, I have some thoughts on Nick in general. On Andi’s season, I didn’t like him at all. On Kaitlyn’s, I liked him even less. And then on BIP, I found him at worst tolerable and at best, even kind of cool and sweet. And he also looks way better to me; I think he’s gotten a stylist, he’s clearly been hitting the gym and the beard is a major improvement, which begs the question- are beards to men what makeup is to women? I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult to say, “I like your face much better when it’s covered up by all that hair,” but whatever. I’m not trying to date him. However, after three failed attempts to find love on this franchise, does anyone even still care (assuming they once did) whether or not he finds it? Time will tell, I guess. Anyway, the beginning of this episode gave us all the same stuff they always do at the start of a season- Nick with his family (along with the requisite cute tween sister giving him advice), the awkward roundtable of Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins giving Nick “advice,” which to me seemed a little unnecessary. I mean, if anyone knows how this show works, it’s Nick. It’s not his first (or second, or third) rodeo, boys. He knows the drill. But they joke about how “the fourth time’s the charm” (that’s not a thing) and don’t hesitate to tell him that a lot of people don’t like him. I can’t help but notice that farm living has caused bachelor Chris to put on a few lbs, but that’s because I am a true garbage person. But again, enough about me. Continue reading The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1