Let’s Get It On- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 9

“Close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candlelight. For tonight is just your night and we’re gonna celebrate all through the night.” Boyz II Men, I’ll Make Love to You

Hello everyone. We find ourselves here, close to the end, when we get to see the overnight dates, as if we haven’t seen enough of Nick Viall boning on this show already. (Lest we all forget him whining, “Why did you make love to me then?” to Andi after she dumped him.) I always find this episode to be so boring, especially since it’s split into a two-parter this season. I personally don’t know why any of these girls want to have overnights with him, but he is the Bachelor, for another few episodes anyway, so this is what we have to work with. So, with that being said (a shout-out to Nick’s oft-uttered phrase), let’s get into it.

First and foremost, Nick is treated to an awkward visit by Andi, who dumped him just before the final rose several seasons ago. He answers the door and she says, “I heard you were in town” and saunters in. He offers her a drink and she says she thinks the conversation “calls for whiskey.” She says she’s just there “checking in” which seems extremely convenient since she has a new book coming out soon. Nick gets even dorkier than normal while talking to Andi and says, “The last time you knocked on my door you broke up with me.” They discuss his relationships with the women and he tells her that he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s the bachelor. And then Andi inappropriately asks him if he’s planning on banging any of the ladies during the overnights. She then goes on and gives him her “permission” to be intimate. Um, thanks girl who dumped Nick a thousand years ago and has barely spoken to him since.

I’m sure he was waiting on you to give him the go-ahead. Anyway, Andi appears to be done giving him her sage advice (since her own engagement that stemmed from this show was so successful that she had to write a tell-all book about how terrible the relationship was) so she leaves and Nick heads to the rose ceremony. Continue reading “Let’s Get It On- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 9”

Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)

“I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m in between.” Britney Spears, I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Hello everyone. Today we are taking a bit of a turn from all things Bachelor Nation and reviewing a little Lifetime movie called Britney Ever After. I’m not going to lie- I’m a complete Lifetime movie junkie, and not because they are good. In fact, they are the complete opposite of good, and therein lies the appeal. I’ve long been a fan of these over-the-top, cheesy movies since junior high, before Lifetime, when they used to air in primetime on weeknights. Who wouldn’t love to feast their eyes on a movie about a murderous cheerleader or a co-ed who turns to hooking to pay her tuition or a girl with an eating disorder and a heart of gold in their formative years? (The answer to that question is a lot of people, but I  can get sucked in to a glossy movie with a message any day of the week.) Anyway, Britney Ever After doesn’t disappoint, so let’s delve into some of the finer moments, shall we?

The movie is shot in flashbacks while Britney gives an interview to talk about her big comeback after her much-publicized 2007 meltdown. When we open, Brit is new on the scene and just starting to tour with NSync as the opening act. She’s dressed like a literal baby, in overalls with a striped onesie and pigtails, and it is important to note that the actress who plays Britney (Natasha Bassett) looks absolutely nothing like her, other than the fact that she has blond hair and brown eyes. From the beginning, we see that Jamie Spears (Brit-Brit’s “daddy”) is a grouchy alcoholic with money problems who makes everyone’s life miserable. Brit’s mom Lynn seems over him from the word go, which should make the news that they eventually divorce come as a surprise to nobody. Along for the tour is Brit’s assistant, Fee (Felicia, maybe? No idea) to basically be her parent/guardian since neither of her actual guardians could be bothered to make the trip. Brit’s little sister JamieLynn (get it? Jamie- the dad, and Lynn- the mom. How clever) is along for the drop-off, as is Reg (Britney’s high school sweetheart apparently), who Britney’s manager Larry is very dismissive of, presumably to keep Brit’s appeal as a relatable virgin intact. It’s clear from the beginning that A)Britney isn’t too bright and B) she isn’t really allowed to make many decisions about anything. And then suddenly, like a denim-clad, curly-haired 90s beacon of shining light, Justin Timberlake appears. Justin and Britney have history (they appeared on The Mickey Mouse club together as children) and they definitely have a lot of sexual tension. They flirt and I have to say that the actor who played Justin(Nathan Keyes, whoever that is) nailed his voice and mannerisms. This just goes to show what a likable person the real JTimbo is, because even in a terrible movie like this, he comes off as charming. Continue reading “Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)”

Welcome to My House- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 8

“The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home.” Phillip Phillips, Home.

Hello all, and welcome to this week’s Bachelor Nick recap. We’ve finally made it to hometowns, which is traditionally either a crazy episode (JoJo’s mom taking that bottle of veuve straight to the face or Kirk’s crazy taxidermist dad from Ali’s season come to mind) or a giant snooze, but somehow, this episode ended up coming in somewhere in the middle. I mean, there were definitely some boring moments, but we also got to see the gene pool that gave us Princess Corinne and we got to meet the famous Raquel,  so it wasn’t all bad. So without further ado, let’s dive right in.

We open back in Bimini, where Kristina has just been sent home and the girls are confused about whether or not there is going to be a rose ceremony since there are four of them left. They know that typically four girls go to hometowns, but since Nick is “unpredictable” (their words, not mine. I think he’s been nothing but predictable this season), they aren’t sure. Nick enters with a handful of roses and asks to sit down. He says he sent Kristina home before the rose ceremony because he knew his mind was made up and he had too much respect for her to put her through that. He says that it’s still very much a “two-way street” and wanted to have a private rose ceremony with the ladies at the hotel. He even offers a rose to Raven, who already has one, because he says it has to be a mutual decision. Spoiler alert- they all accept the roses and get ready to head to hometowns.

First we head to Hoxie, Arkansas for Raven’s hometown. She makes this big speech about how she’s ready to tell Nick that she’s “falling in love with him” and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she do that a few episodes ago, without much fanfare or reciprocation? Anyway, she goes on to explain some things that are fun in Hoxie and the only one I can even begin to decipher is “muddin'” whatever that is. This is hitting a little too close to home for me, having grown up in a tiny town myself, and I can think of nothing I would rather do less as an adult than ride four-wheelers or shoot guns or drive around in the mud. Anyway, she rides around on the requisite 4-wheeler and tells Nick about some tradition of climbing some “grain bins” (again, what?) when the police pull up. The cop asks Nick for ID, which he doesn’t have and then asks the same of Raven. It all feels a bit forced and suddenly, the cop deadpans, “She’s been giving me trouble my whole life” and we find out the cop is Raven’s older brother. He leaves and they continue 4 wheeling to their hearts’ content and Raven remarks that they are “about to get dirty.”  They splash around in the mud and eventually lie down and make out in it, and all I can think is that it’s really not going to do much for Raven’s already dire hair extension situation. Nick says that their relationship is “moving at the fastest pace” and they continue rolling around in the dirt and the mud, presumably until it’s time to go meet Raven’s parents. They talk a little about Raven’s dad and his cancer and how she’s only ever brought one other guy home. I’m happy to see that a shower and a brush seem to have solved her hair issues, cause she looks pretty. Once they go in, she finds out that “daddy” is in remission and cancer-free and it’s a nice moment. She talks to her mom about Nick and says that he’s the kind of man she would want to marry. Mama Raven wants her to “put her heart out there.” Meanwhile, Nick talks to Daddy Raven and I can’t help but notice how smug Nick always looks when he’s trying to look sincere. He then asks Raven’s dad for permission to propose to her should they get to the end, to which Dad says, “I didn’t expect to like you- but you’re a likable guy” which I’m guessing means yes. Raven wants to tell Nick she loves him, but in the end, she chickens out and says something along the lines of “So…um…I should tell you…that…there’s no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.” I’m not even sure what that means and I doubt Nick knows either, but he leaves and she wishes she would have told him she loved him.

Continue reading “Welcome to My House- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 8”

It’s Not You, It’s Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 7

“Come on let it go, just let it be. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me. Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me…” James Bay, Let it Go

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s bachelor recap. Before we even get into the episode, let’s just take a minute to talk about some big news- ABC has officially announced that my personal favorite, one miss Rachel Lindsay, is going to be the new bachelorette. This is great news for several reasons- #1) Rachel is cool and smart and funny and will be an excellent lead for the next season #2) she is the first African American bachelorette and #3) we know she doesn’t end up with Nick, who she is way too good for anyway. I’m curious as to why they announced it before the season is even over (she’s currently still in the running to get Nick’s final rose) but I have a suspicion it was an attempt to deflect from the notion that the show isn’t diverse (it really hasn’t been so far) and also maybe to atone for the poor choice of giving Nick a fourth go-round on this latest train wreck of a season. Whatever the reason, I applaud their choice and am excited to watch a whole season of Rachel. So, with that, let’s get into the episode, shall we?

We open with Nick crying (what else is new?) and I wonder if there has ever been a bachelor who has shed so many tears. The only one that comes to mind who could potentially rival the waterworks of Nick is that weenie Jake Pavelka, and I don’t even think he came close. We are still in St. Thomas, and the ladies discuss their feelings about Nick dropping the bomb that he might not be able to continue. Nick sits alone at the beach and along comes CH. “I heard you had a rough day yesterday,” CH says to Nick, and Nick agrees that he’s been second-guessing all of his thoughts and decisions. CH asks Nick if he’s ready to throw in the towel and without answering, Nick goes to the hotel to talk to the women. He apologizes for the previous night and I can’t help but notice that Raven’s lash extensions look as busted as Corinne’s fake hair.  Nick continues talking and yada, yada, yada (spoiler alert) it turns out Nick CAN continue to be the Bachelor. That was a lot of build up for something so anti-climactic, as I’m sure sex with Nick would be. Anyway, he decides to cancel the rose ceremony and bring all of the remaining ladies to Bimini. (The producers then show us a map, so geography dumb-dumbs like me have some clue of where it is. Bahamas, maybe? I wasn’t really paying attention and I didn’t want to rewind.) Continue reading “It’s Not You, It’s Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 7”

Cleaning House- A Bachelor Recap For Nick’s Season, Episode 6

“It’s me that ought to be moving on. You’re not adorable. I was something unignorable. I ain’t freakin’, I ain’t faking this. Shut up and let me go, hey!” The Ting-Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go.

Hello everyone. Welcome to week six, when Nick pulled out all the stops and sent a ton of girls home- some we expected (who was Whitney, again, and why did she keep making it through so many rose ceremonies without so much as opening her mouth?) while others were more surprising. But before we get into all that, we have to wade through the awkwardness of Taylor barging back in on Nick and Corinne’s date to say exactly the same thing she was said just before she was sent home. So since this glass of rosé isn’t going to drink itself, let’s get to it, shall we?

We open on the girls at the hotel trying to decipher who will be making it home from the two-on-one date. Once they see that Taylor will be the one leaving, they seem less than thrilled. I mean, I get it. She is the lesser of two evils, but she’s still very obnoxious. Back at the date, Taylor is pissed. She’s convinced she only got sent home because Corinne lied to Nick about her. Sorry, sweetheart, but you really got sent home because Nick wants to get into Corinne’s pants more than yours. She rolls up on Corinne and Nick like a serial killer and I notice that the swamp air is doing Corinne’s extensions no favors, neither hair nor eyelashes. Where is Raquel (or a good beauty expert) when you need her? Taylor sounds legitimately crazy as she says, “Corinne, you lied today! Nick, can I talk to you?” He looks like he would rather be doing literally anything else but rehashing this with Taylor, but for some reason he obliges and they go outside. Corinne continues chugging what seems to be a tall water glass filled with champagne and shrugs her shoulders like the brat she is. She wants us to know she’s not worried at all. And also, she’s very, very drunk. Taylor tells Nick that she cares about him but he’s making a mistake. Let it go, girl. How many times do you need to have this same conversation? Meanwhile, Corinne’s glass seems to be constantly and magically full, no matter how many sips she takes, and I wonder what poor PA’s job it is to make that happen. These are the unsung heroes, guys, and they do a hell of a lot more to keep us entertained than CH does. Think about it- if we didn’t get to see drunk Corinne, what would we be watching? I can tell you what- sleeping Corinne. Those are the only two Corinnes available to us on this show and I prefer hammered Corinne any day of the week. Anyway, Taylor drones on and on and Nick basically gives her a “thanks, but no thanks” kind of goodbye. He sends her on her merry way, toot sweet, so he can try to go make out with Corinne before she passes out. Taylor, in turn, uses her parting words in her limo exit to talk about- you guessed it- Corinne. In the words of Mariah, “why you so obsessed with me?” And Corinne, in a final moment of glory, wearing a skirt so short that it’s basically a belt, leaves us with this gem: “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Wait, what? Drunk Corinne is truly just the gift that keeps on giving. Continue reading “Cleaning House- A Bachelor Recap For Nick’s Season, Episode 6”