End Of The Line- A Bachelor Recap for the Finale of Nick’s Season and ATFR

“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.” Linkin Park, In the End

Hello everyone and welcome for the moment we’ve all been waiting for- and no, that’s not to see if Bachelor Nick chooses Raven or Vanessa (duh- it’s been obvious all along)- the glorious end of a season that seems to have gone on forever. But before you start high-fiving and getting excited to never see Nick Viall’s face on your TV screen again, not so fast, because for some ungodly reason, he’s going to be on Dancing with the Stars in the upcoming season. Normally, this would not affect me in the least, having given up watching these so-called “stars” dance many seasons ago, but this year, one miss Erika Jayne neè Girardi is going to be competing, and she’s a goddamn national treasure, so it’s just my luck to have to start watching again on the season where Nick Viall and his bad perm and likely worse dance moves will be invading my TV viewing once again. But I’ll take a few of Nick’s dorky dance moves if it means I get to see Erika “pat the puss.” (If you don’t watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, that went completely over your head. And also, shame on you. Second only to RHONY, it’s one of the crown jewels of Bravo.) So without further ado, let’s dissect this episode and with any luck, never have to utter the name Nick Viall ever again.

Where to begin? First and foremost, it seems Nick falls in love A LOT. He says he’s in love with both Raven and Vanessa and is sticking to the story that he was in love with Andi and Kaitlyn too. That’s a lot of “love” in a few years. CH tells us it’s another “dramatic” three hours, but at least he has something to do this time other than counting roses for us, as he’s hosting some sort of “live show.” He has mentioned the word “desperate” no fewer than three times in the first ten minutes of the show when talking about Nick’s “search for love.” We open in Rovaniemi, Finland (I hope I spelled that right) and I still hate Nick’s winter wardrobe. (Not that his summer wardrobe was any better in paradise, lest we forget his tiny shorts that he insisted on rocking through most of his stay there.) He walks through the snow and looks contemplative. Or maybe he’s just as over him being on this show as we are. Either way, he meets up with his family where his mom and dad and six of their seemingly thousands of children are waiting for him. His cute little sister Bella is back, along with another young sibling and I can’t help but think that they should both be in school instead of traipsing off to Finland to try to help their loser brother find a wife for the third time on this show. Shame on you, Mama and Daddy Viall. Continue reading End Of The Line- A Bachelor Recap for the Finale of Nick’s Season and ATFR

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 10 and The Women Tell All

“I need some love like I never needed love before.
(Wanna make love to ya, baby) I had a little love now I’m back for more (Wanna make love to ya, baby) Set your spirit free, it’s the only way to be” The Spice Girls, 2 Become 1

Hello everyone. Welcome to this “very special” (read: so long that I needed to pound an espresso in the middle of it so I wouldn’t fall asleep)  3 hour Bachelor event. I have no idea when they decided that the Women Tell All episode should be two hours, in an of itself, but to add the last hour of the fantasy suite dates to that is just cruel and unusual punishment, not entirely unlike what an overnight date with Nick would be like. But Raven seemed to enjoy herself, so who am I to judge? So let’s get into it.

We open the next morning after Nick and Raven’s overnight. She seems happy and remarks that she is “very satisfied” (wink wink) and we get to see this unfold in a very cheesy montage with a song that sounds vaguely like “Walking on Sunshine” but is decidedly a knock-off that was much cheaper to buy the rights to. No surprise that they didn’t spring for a real song, judging by the budget the rest of the season. She skips through the snow, she lies down to make snow angels and she says, “Nick is very good at what he does.” Somehow I beg to differ. But he has spread “what he does” kind of net wide among bachelor nation, so maybe she’s on to something. Anyway, Nick takes his leave of her and goes on to do “what he does” with Rachel. She arrives looking cute and her special surprise is… reindeer and a sleigh ride. Seriously ABC? These dates are so bad. And Nick’s Finland wardrobe isn’t much better. He really seems to be sticking with the turtlenecks. They chat and Rachel tells him she’s falling for him. I can tell it’s hard for her, because she’s usually so articulate and she’s saying “like” every other word as if she’s Corinne. Nick actually tells her he’s falling for her, too, and then wouldn’t you know it, he pulls out a key “should you decide to forgo your individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” She agrees to do this and I can’t help but think that on previous seasons, it seemed like there was at least a day or two and half an island in between the overnight dates, but it seems that this go-round, he’s had a scant three hours in between and the dates seem to be taking place right next door to each other. He tells Rachel that he really likes her when she’s vulnerable and then he presumably introduces her to little Nick after the door closes. The next morning Rachel says she can’t wait to meet his family and “seal the deal.” Continue reading Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 10 and The Women Tell All