“Get out (leave) right now. It’s the end of you and me. It’s too late (now) and I can’t wait for you to be gone. Cause I know about her (who) and I wonder (why) how I bought all the lies. You said that you would treat me right but you were just a waste of time.” JoJo, Leave (Get Out)
Hello everyone. Welcome to week two of this season of The Bachelorette, where it seems that everyone is lying about something- some of the guys who aren’t “here for the right reasons,” some of the guys who claimed to be athletic but played basketball worse than a 7th grade girls’ team, and even Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who for some reason pretended it was their idea to come on this shitshow cause they are such “huge fans.” One of them has to be contractually obligated somehow by ABC, right? I mean, I get it- I watch it every week as well, but they have to be the biggest A-listers who would ever deign to come on the show, voluntarily, anyway. Well, while we are all trying to find the link that ties the Kutcher/Kunis clan to ABC or its parent company, this recap isn’t going to write itself, so let’s get started, shall we?
We open with Rachel cavorting around the Westlake Village Inn with a cute dog who is wearing a cast on his leg. (We later find out that this is her dog, Copper, when he accompanies her on a date.) CH arrives at the mansion to tell the guys that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and with that, he delivers the first date card. It’s a group date that says, “I’m looking for husband material” and it includes Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and good ol’ WHABOOM himself, Lucas. The guys show up to a BBQ, where Rachel mans a grill and encourages them to eat, drink and be merry. It appears to be just a casual BBQ with a little touch football for good measure, and I quickly wonder if Lucas has done a few bumps of coke beforehand, because he just can’t seem to settle the eff down. WHABOOM, indeed. Blake seems to have a personal vendetta against Lucas (and we later find out that is exactly what it is) and he keeps threatening to “expose” him. I’m sorry, Blake, but Rachel is an attorney. Give the girl a little credit- I’m sure she knows that he’s not “here for the right reasons.” And I’m also sure that the producers are aware of the beef between Blake and Lucas and have encouraged her to keep them both around for a while to incite some drama. (Also, did I just use the word “beef” to describe a feud? What am I- a mid-90s rapper with an axe to grind? God, I hate myself so hard sometimes and promise to never use that phrase again.)
Suddenly, like a beacon of perfect, shining love to gaze upon, Mila and Ashton show up to help host the “Husband Material” games. Basically, it’s an obstacle course that makes the guys change fake diapers, carry a baby in a Baby Bjorn, fix a sink, set a table, etc. The first guy to complete the course wins, but what they win isn’t clear. I do kind of love that they say their Monday nights consist of cocktails (him), wine (her) and The Bachelor, cause it kind of sounds like my Monday nights for the past nine years with my husband, though it seems like Ashton kind of digs it while my husband is a decidedly less willing participant. The games begin and these guys are dry-heaving over fake baby poop, which I can’t imagine has anything on the real thing, so this doesn’t bode well for their future dad skills. Most of them (except Kenny, who actually has a kid) seem to have trouble with the Baby Bjorn, and somehow Iggy gets eliminated and sent to the “doghouse.” Lucas and Kenny seem to be vying for the lead, and just before the finish line, Lucas pulls a dick move and stiff arms Kenny to take the lead. (So shocking that Lucas wouldn’t fight fair, isn’t it?) After his “victory,” Lucas attempts to get Ashton to participate in his WHABOOM nonsense, but Kelso don’t play that. He just looks at him like the moron he is and leaves him to full body heave on his own, embarrassing only himself in the process. Continue reading Lyin’ Eyes- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 2