Lyin’ Eyes- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 2

“Get out (leave) right now. It’s the end of you and me. It’s too late (now) and I can’t wait for you to be gone. Cause I know about her (who) and I wonder (why) how I bought all the lies. You said that you would treat me right but you were just a waste of time.” JoJo, Leave (Get Out)

Hello everyone. Welcome to week two of this season of The Bachelorette, where it seems that everyone is lying about something- some of the guys who aren’t “here for the right reasons,” some of the guys who claimed to be athletic but played basketball worse than a 7th grade girls’ team, and even Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who for some reason pretended it was their idea to come on this shitshow cause they are such “huge fans.”  One of them has to be contractually obligated somehow by ABC, right? I mean, I get it- I watch it every week as well, but they have to be the biggest A-listers who would ever deign to come on the show, voluntarily, anyway. Well, while we are all trying to find the link that ties the Kutcher/Kunis clan to ABC or its parent company, this recap isn’t going to write itself, so let’s get started, shall we?

We open with Rachel cavorting around the Westlake Village Inn with a cute dog who is wearing a cast on his leg. (We later find out that this is her dog, Copper, when he accompanies her on a date.) CH arrives at the mansion to tell the guys that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and with that, he delivers the first date card. It’s a group date that says, “I’m looking for husband material” and it includes Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and good ol’ WHABOOM himself, Lucas. The guys show up to a BBQ, where Rachel mans a grill and encourages them to eat, drink and be merry. It appears to be just a casual BBQ with a little touch football for good measure, and I quickly wonder if Lucas has done a few bumps of coke beforehand, because he just can’t seem to settle the eff down. WHABOOM, indeed. Blake seems to have a personal vendetta against Lucas (and we later find out that is exactly what it is) and he keeps threatening to “expose” him. I’m sorry, Blake, but Rachel is an attorney. Give the girl a little credit- I’m sure she knows that he’s not “here for the right reasons.” And I’m also sure that the producers are aware of the beef between Blake and Lucas and have encouraged her to keep them both around for a while to incite some drama. (Also, did I just use the word “beef” to describe a feud? What am I- a mid-90s rapper with an axe to grind? God, I hate myself so hard sometimes and promise to never use that phrase again.)

Suddenly, like a beacon of perfect, shining love to gaze upon, Mila and Ashton show up to help host the “Husband Material” games. Basically, it’s an obstacle course that makes the guys change fake diapers, carry a baby in a Baby Bjorn, fix a sink, set a table, etc. The first guy to complete the course wins, but what they win isn’t clear. I do kind of love that they say their Monday nights consist of cocktails (him), wine (her) and The Bachelor, cause it kind of sounds like my Monday nights for the past nine years with my husband, though it seems like Ashton kind of digs it while my husband is a decidedly less willing participant. The games begin and these guys are dry-heaving over fake baby poop, which I can’t imagine has anything on the real thing, so this doesn’t bode well for their future dad skills. Most of them (except Kenny, who actually has a kid) seem to have trouble with the Baby Bjorn, and somehow Iggy gets eliminated and sent to the “doghouse.” Lucas and Kenny seem to be vying for the lead, and just before the finish line, Lucas pulls a dick move and stiff arms Kenny to take the lead. (So shocking that Lucas wouldn’t fight fair, isn’t it?) After his “victory,” Lucas attempts to get Ashton to participate in his WHABOOM nonsense, but Kelso don’t play that. He just looks at him like the moron he is and leaves him to full body heave on his own, embarrassing only himself in the process. Continue reading “Lyin’ Eyes- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 2”

Hello, I Love You- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 1

“Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil

Hello everyone. There is a saying that goes, “the days are long and the years are short,” and while I don’t necessarily think whoever said that had this particular franchise in mind, I do find it quite apropos, since it seems that even though it’s been a while since we’ve spoken about this show, it somehow always seems to be on.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know I just can’t seem to quit it, especially when one Miss Rachel Lindsay is handing out the roses this go-round. And while the first episode is always a bit of a slog (So. Many. Introductions), there was a bit to discuss in this premiere, so without further ado, let’s get to it.

First and foremost, I didn’t think it was possible for Rachel to get more beautiful, but with her “Bachelorette makeover” (mostly just piles of hair extensions and lashes), she has outdone herself. I am so happy to see that they didn’t give her the requisite Bachelor franchise veneers to close her tooth gap, because I find it so cute and endearing and would have been really annoyed if they had convinced her to “fix” it. She opens the show talking about how excited she is, now that she really believes in the process, and how she’s nervous to put her heart out there but she’s willing to give it a try.  Guys, this may come back to be something I retract later, but I really, really like  her, even through all the fake “Bachelorette” bullshit pageant contestant rhetoric. Like with every first episode, they give us some insight into some of the more “memorable” contestants, like Kenny, the pro-wrester/single dad with a 10-year-old daughter, or Jack, a lawyer from Texas whose mom died when he was a teenager (that one kind of made me tear up- I’m not going to lie) or Alex, a Detroit-based “meathead” who is actually a self-proclaimed nerd who likes to “code” in his spare time while he’s not pumping iron at the gym or barbecuing with his mom and dad who he may or may not live with- it was unclear. There was also Mohit, a tech guy/Bollywood dance enthusiast and Lucas, who was… well, how does one describe Lucas? His job description was listed as “Whaboom” and just when you want to ask yourself, “What does that mean, exactly?” do yourself a favor and don’t. It can only best be described as a full-body dry heave during which every muscle shakes and then he lets out a long, loud shriek that puts the syllables “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOM” together for some inexplicable reason. I’m genuinely concerned for Lucas’s mental health and certainly see his presence on the show as a ploy to stir up drama and some kind of ratings, as no girl would ever want to bang the Whaboom guy. Blake is a personal trainer based in Venice, California who talked a lot about sex and even more about his magical penis. I mean, I know I’ve been married for a long time, but it is my understanding that guys who have to talk so much about sex and/or their penises are compensating for something. I kind of hate him already. There is a guy named Diggy from Chicago who wasn’t clear about what he does for a living but wanted to make it known that he’s into fashion. And then there’s Josiah- an attorney from Florida who had a troubled past-brother committed suicide as a teen, he himself got in with a troubled crowd in the aftermath and was arrested before he decided to turn his life around- so of course I liked him, since I am notoriously a sucker for any tragic tale. But he also seemed WAY into Rachel, having never met her, so I may change my opinion as the season progresses if he turns out to be stalkerish. Continue reading “Hello, I Love You- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 1”