Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2

“I’m in control. Never gonna stop. Control. To get what I want. Control. I like to have a lot. Control. Now I’m all grown up.” Janet Jackson, Control

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of what CH touted as a “shocking 2 night Bachelorette event” but in reality was simply 4 long hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Most of it was so boring that it was nearly unwatchable, but the one good thing that did come out of it was watching my girl Rachel Lindsay finally claim her crown and take charge of things like the true queen she is. This week, girlfriend cut more dead weight than a supermodel prepping for a Victoria’s Secret show and I couldn’t have loved it more. Even my husband, who truly hates the hours I make him waste watching this franchise, glanced up from whatever else he was doing a few times to remark, “I like her. She seems really smart” which is something he has never said about any contestant on this show, EVER. So while I’m still annoyed to have spent so much time on this show this week, this recap is already a day late, so let’s get to it, shall we?

We open where we left off last week and this episode clearly could have been titled “Everybody Hates Lee.” Rachel is off floating in a boat with Bryan while Lee and Kenny continue to bicker. Will says he wants to watch, just in case a punch gets thrown, presumably. Meanwhile, in the boat, Rachel and Bryan make out with So. Much. Tongue. It’s a bit off-putting and he seems a little insincere to me, but she’s way into him, so get yours, girl. Kenny and Lee argue and it goes nowhere, except that Kenny keeps calling Lee a bitch. Rachel and Bryan return and she gives the date rose to- you guessed it- Bryan. While the other guys are fighting over her, the suavecito chiropractor is actually spending time with her, so I totally get why she would give it to him. Plus she clearly wants to do the dirty with him, so there’s that, too.

Then Rachel has a one-on-one with Jack Stone, the lawyer from Dallas, who I find to be totally creepy. ¬†What I didn’t realize was how much creepier he was going to get as the date went on. She mentions that they have so much in common that on paper, they seem like they would be a perfect match, so she wants to see if there is any spark between them. They ride in a carriage where the conversation is awkward, at best and then they dance and it gets even worse. He’s a terrible dancer and he eventually goes in for a kiss, which she clearly isn’t into, so she gives him the requisite peck and he waxes poetic about how it’s the best first kiss he’s had in a long time, which just tells us that he’s neither good at kissing, nor at reading signals from the ladies. At “dinner” things go from bad to worse, conversation-wise. It looks like they’re drinking water, so there’s not even booze to minimize the awkwardness. It’s like a bad job interview where you know the applicant isn’t getting the job but he totally thinks he’s in. At one point, she asks him what he would do if he could take her to Dallas and he begins with, “First off, I’d lock the door…” and that’s all she needs to hear. She picks up the date rose (in my mind, all I could hear was the Borat voice saying “you’ll never get this, lalalala”) and sends him packing. He keeps smiling like he has no idea he’s getting sent home, even as she’s saying the words, and his teeth are so big that his smile is off-putting, like everything else about him. I get what she means about being perfect on paper- you look at his face and he should be attractive but he’s just not. Eventually, he stops grinning like an idiot and leaves without much fanfare- just a flash of blinding white teeth sneaking off into the dark of night. Continue reading Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2

No Scrubs- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 4

“I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night. And he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light. He’s gotta be sure and it’s gotta be soon and he’s gotta be larger than life.” Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out for a Hero

 

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of our favorite train wreck, The Bachelorette. And speaking of train wrecks and this franchise, let’s take just a quick second to touch on the scandal of Bachelor in Paradise, shall we? About a week ago, ABC announced that they were shutting down production of BIP indefinitely due to allegations of “misconduct.” At first, nobody was in any way surprised, and then even less surprising was the news that said “misconduct” involved Corinne and DeMario. It was a lot of “he said, she said” but basically, the gist was that something hyper-sexual went down in the pool involving the two and the next day, Corinne said she was too drunk to consent. A producer who witnessed the event failed to show up for work the next day and filed a lawsuit against the show. There is a lot we still don’t know (like whether the rumor that said producer was a friend of Corinne’s, as was reported by a few “news” sites) but what we do know is that the show was cleared of wrongdoing after an investigation (which shouldn’t be that tough, as the entire incident would have been captured on camera) and will be returning to film ASAP. Whether the cast will still include Corinne and DeMario remains to be seen, but what I do know is that I am even more curious to see it now, which may well have been the entire point. It has to beat the current season, which, as much as I still adore Rachel, I have to say is a total snooze with the worst batch of losers this franchise has ever seen. So, with that being said (to use Nick’s favorite phrase), let’s recap this week.

We open where we left off last week- at the cocktail party where everyone is whining and complaining. Eric keeps shouting about how “his name was in someone’s mouth” and he ends his rant by encouraging the men to “do you. Imma do me.” Honestly, we are off for two weeks and this is what we come back to? BORING. And I have no idea why she likes Eric. He’s annoying, not cute and stirs up way too much drama. I mean, I know it’s slim pickings in that house of horrors, but there are so many better options than this douche. Lee interrupts Rach and Kenny like the true creeper he is, and when Kenny asks for a bit more time, he just stands there, awkwardly lurking, until he gets his time with Rachel. Everyone hates Lee as much as I do, it seems. Dean calls him a bitch, which makes me like young Dean even more. Lee tells her some odd, insincere story about a dead grandfather (grandmother? I wasn’t really paying attention) and etches the word “enchanting” on a piece of wood. The other guys chit-chat and complain about Lee and then Jack Stone, who is a lawyer, is apparently unfamiliar with the word “quirk.” Where did he get his law degree from, University of Phoenix online? (No offense to anyone who graduated from there. I would just rather not have you defending me in a court of law, thanks.) Dean hints at Lee being a racist (which we all know to be true now, based on the tweets that were uncovered recently) and Kenny says he’s going to “handle his business.” She makes out with Bryan- AGAIN- and calls him a “breath of fresh air.” Continue reading No Scrubs- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 4

Bad Blood- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 3

“I turn my cheek, music up and I’m puffing my chest. I’m getting ready to face you, you can call me obsessed. It’s not your fault that they hover, I mean no disrespect. It’s my right to be hellish. I still get jealous.” Nick Jonas, Jealous

Hello everyone and welcome to week 3 of this shitshow also known as The Bachelorette. Before we start, I have to make a correction from last week. I believe I mistakenly said Rachel made out with Alex on one of the group dates, when it was really Bryan. Considering the fact that they look similar, it was an honest mistake, but later in this episode, Alex mentions that he hasn’t kissed her yet, so my apologies. Anyway, while I am still ride-or-die for Rachel, I’m beginning to think the producers really outdid themselves this season by rounding up the biggest bunch of idiots and losers in franchise history, and if you’ve watched this show even half as much as I have, you know that’s saying a lot. I mean, there’s the Whaboom guy and Lucas and their weird feud, DeMario the cheater, Lee and his racist tweets and Bryce and his transphobic comments, just to name a few. And then there are reports that Bryan, a clear front-runner to go far in the competition and the recipient of the first impression rose (and Miss Lindsay’s first makeout sesh) was accused of insurance fraud. (He is a licensed chiropractor in Pennsylvania and was allegedly sued by Allstate Insurance regarding the matter, as reported by Radar Online.) Last week, we left off with a TBC directly involving one of these aforementioned Dbags, so without further ado, let’s see what DeMario has to say to try to get back into Rachel’s good graces.

As we open, the security guards hold DeMario at the gate while they fetch Rachel. A crowd of bros gathers outside while DeMario grovels and gives Queen Rachel some BS “quotes” about life and mistakes. He begs her for another chance, but Rachel isn’t biting. She tells him that she needs a man who owns his mistakes and from what she saw earlier, he is not that. She sends him on his merry way, but you can’t blame a guy for trying. They all head back inside to continue the cocktail party and nobody seems sad for DeMario to go. Buh-bye. Jonathan, the “tickle monster,” accosts her with some fake giant hands, which she pretends to find funny. They hug, but no kiss, because, well, he tickles her and wears fake giant hands. Sexy he is not. She says she’s “impressed” by Alex and compliments Will’s “outgoing personality.” She and Kenny chat and he shows her pics of his daughter and it makes me like him, even though I don’t find him particularly attractive at all. Any guy who is a good father automatically gets a thumbs up from me and Rachel seems to feel the same. Meanwhile, Whaboom and Blake continue to play their usual weird game of cat and mouse and it’s really creeping me out. Lucas tells Rachel that he woke up to Blake seductively eating a banana in his room while he was sleeping (what does that even mean?) and Blake’s denial of the incident is almost as odd as the accusation itself. “I don’t eat carbs cause I’m on a ketogenic diet,” Blake deadpans, and I hate him even more than Whaboom in that moment. CH enters and tells them it’s time for the rose ceremony. Peter, Josiah and Dean already have roses and the rest of the roses go as follows:

  1. Bryan (insurance scammer)
  2. Bryce (transphobic dude)
  3. Eric (Urkel entrance maybe?)
  4. Anthony (to which I said out loud “who?”)
  5. Will (I didn’t remember much about him but he makes himself known later)
  6. Jonathan (tickle monster)
  7. Jack (I think he’s a lawyer)
  8. Matt (maybe penguin suit guy)
  9. Alex (Russian dude with the abs)
  10. Adam (maybe creepy doll guy?)
  11. Kenny (single dad wrestler)
  12. Brady (model with the big hair)
  13. Lee (country crooner and part-time racist)
  14. Iggy (?)
  15. Fred (former camp counselee)
  16. Diggy (fashionista)

Blake and Whaboom and some other guy whose name I don’t know are sent packing. Blake can’t take any responsibility for his own shortcomings, of which there are many, and his insistence that a banana is a carb seems to be merely the tip of the ice berg, but he complains that Lucas “ruined it for both of us.” As they are giving their final exit interviews, they have another weird interaction and I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks it’s as likely to end in a passionate kiss as it is to come to fisticuffs. “You’re here for the wrong reasons… you wannabe comedian!” shouts Blake, and Lucas retorts with “Go back to your protein shakes! Go back to your steroids!” Finally, they are out of the mansion and out of our lives, and not a moment too soon. Continue reading Bad Blood- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 3