“I’m in control. Never gonna stop. Control. To get what I want. Control. I like to have a lot. Control. Now I’m all grown up.” Janet Jackson, Control
Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of what CH touted as a “shocking 2 night Bachelorette event” but in reality was simply 4 long hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Most of it was so boring that it was nearly unwatchable, but the one good thing that did come out of it was watching my girl Rachel Lindsay finally claim her crown and take charge of things like the true queen she is. This week, girlfriend cut more dead weight than a supermodel prepping for a Victoria’s Secret show and I couldn’t have loved it more. Even my husband, who truly hates the hours I make him waste watching this franchise, glanced up from whatever else he was doing a few times to remark, “I like her. She seems really smart” which is something he has never said about any contestant on this show, EVER. So while I’m still annoyed to have spent so much time on this show this week, this recap is already a day late, so let’s get to it, shall we?
We open where we left off last week and this episode clearly could have been titled “Everybody Hates Lee.” Rachel is off floating in a boat with Bryan while Lee and Kenny continue to bicker. Will says he wants to watch, just in case a punch gets thrown, presumably. Meanwhile, in the boat, Rachel and Bryan make out with So. Much. Tongue. It’s a bit off-putting and he seems a little insincere to me, but she’s way into him, so get yours, girl. Kenny and Lee argue and it goes nowhere, except that Kenny keeps calling Lee a bitch. Rachel and Bryan return and she gives the date rose to- you guessed it- Bryan. While the other guys are fighting over her, the suavecito chiropractor is actually spending time with her, so I totally get why she would give it to him. Plus she clearly wants to do the dirty with him, so there’s that, too.
Then Rachel has a one-on-one with Jack Stone, the lawyer from Dallas, who I find to be totally creepy. What I didn’t realize was how much creepier he was going to get as the date went on. She mentions that they have so much in common that on paper, they seem like they would be a perfect match, so she wants to see if there is any spark between them. They ride in a carriage where the conversation is awkward, at best and then they dance and it gets even worse. He’s a terrible dancer and he eventually goes in for a kiss, which she clearly isn’t into, so she gives him the requisite peck and he waxes poetic about how it’s the best first kiss he’s had in a long time, which just tells us that he’s neither good at kissing, nor at reading signals from the ladies. At “dinner” things go from bad to worse, conversation-wise. It looks like they’re drinking water, so there’s not even booze to minimize the awkwardness. It’s like a bad job interview where you know the applicant isn’t getting the job but he totally thinks he’s in. At one point, she asks him what he would do if he could take her to Dallas and he begins with, “First off, I’d lock the door…” and that’s all she needs to hear. She picks up the date rose (in my mind, all I could hear was the Borat voice saying “you’ll never get this, lalalala”) and sends him packing. He keeps smiling like he has no idea he’s getting sent home, even as she’s saying the words, and his teeth are so big that his smile is off-putting, like everything else about him. I get what she means about being perfect on paper- you look at his face and he should be attractive but he’s just not. Eventually, he stops grinning like an idiot and leaves without much fanfare- just a flash of blinding white teeth sneaking off into the dark of night. Continue reading “Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2”