“It started with a whisper, and that was when I kissed her. And then she made my lips hurt. I could hear the chit chat. Take me to your love shack. Mama’s always gotta back track when everybody talks back.” Neon Trees, Everybody Talks
Welcome to part two of this week’s Bachelorette recap- The Men Tell All episode. Like you, I was just excited to see the return of The Chadelor in all of his meat-eating glory, and he did not disappoint. At the very start of the show, we see Chad arrive in a town car like the boss man he is (or thinks he is) and he walks directly to a trailer with his name on it. I can only presume that trailer was full of protein powder and cold cuts, and Chad enters, with a cocky smile and a suit that I hate to admit was fitting him like a second skin. But we don’t get to see him for a little while, so let’s get to the rest of the episode first.
Chris Harrison opens with the joke, “Chad is here. And so is security.” The crowd goes wild. And then they quickly cut to a lengthy Bachelor in Paradise promo, where it appears that Chad runs amok and at some point utters the phrase, “F*#@ you, Chris Harrison.” Juicy. I am happy to see so many faces that I am sure will bring the drama; Ashley I. still appears bat-shit crazy, and still psychotically in love with Jared, for no reason whatsoever, Nick Viall is there and “falling in love” for what seems like the 80th time on this franchise, Jubilee and Lace are both among the cast, as well as the twins Emily and Haley and, according to Chris Harrison’s VO, “multiple marriage proposals.” A big fat “HELLS YES” from me.
We see the panel of guys, and I literally don’t recognize a few of them. I’m wondering if they pulled some who were let go on night one? Evan tells us that he thought, “Goodness gracious, God bless America,” upon laying eyes on JoJo for the first time. I still find him repellant and love that he was referred to as “the cock doc” a few times throughout the evening. Luke also talks about their intense chemistry from the first meeting, which I don’t think anyone- including JoJo- would deny. They show some boring recap clips, most of which focus on Chad’s overeating and everyone’s dislike of him. You can tell from the jump that this episode is Chad’s show, and we are all just living in it. They touch a little on the rivalry between Derek and Alex, but none of it is very compelling, except for when Nick B. calls Alex “manipulative, an instigator” with a “Napoleon complex.” Touché Nick B, whoever the hell you are. Wells, who says he’s “friends with everybody,” gives Alex a bit of a pass on his behavior, blaming it on the combative nature of his military training. Luke, who has also been in the military, isn’t buying it, and the crowd goes crazy when he says that maturity helps you become the guy who isn’t always looking for a fight. Subtle burn, Luke. Just when the season ends, I’m starting to come around on you. There’s a lot of back-and-forth and honestly, none of it was very compelling, but they cut to Chase several times and he’s wearing a dapper, well-fitting suit, so I pour another glass of wine and continue to watch.
Daniel says “all the other guys” were in love with JoJo without any real rhyme or reason. He’s also a super-douche, who I can’t wait to watch in Paradise. Evan claims that Chad’s behavior was down to steroid withdrawal, saying he took a bunch before the show and didn’t bring them with him when he got there. Have you learned nothing from the ripped shirt incident, Evan? Do you want to get your ass kicked? Ali plays Devil’s advocate and says in a way, they had to expect Chad’s reaction from the way they all went against him. But then he also backtracks a little, saying that if 20 guys hate you, it might be you. He’s not wrong. But then in walks Chad, complete with that lumbering gait and ominous whistling. I’m genuinely torn between thinking he’s the greatest actor of our time and a legitimate psychopath. I’m honestly not sure which it is. Before he sits, he says, “Alex, I’m going to destroy you.” Once he sits on the couch, they cut pointedly to the security guard looming nearby. And CH (that’s how I will refer to Chris Harrison henceforth, because I’m tired of typing his whole GD name) quickly plays a recap of all of Chad’s bad behavior, in case we had forgotten.
When the recap ends, Chad calls all the guys “fake” and says it was like living in a frat. He says, “Maybe I should have punched somebody.” He, too, makes fun of how quickly they were all obsessed with JoJo and when James T. comments, Chad says, “James, you might want to pump your breaks. I’ve got dirt on you, son.” I really want to know what it is, because I can’t imagine anyone who would have less to hide than that good ol’ boy James Taylor. Grant mentions that Chad’s actions after the show “prove what kind of guy he is” and apparently, it’s in reference to Chad hooking up with both Grant’s ex and Robby’s ex, which Chad doesn’t deny. In response, Chad calls Grant “Darrell”- huh? He admits to dalliances with both ladies and makes no apologies for it. Chad claims both guys broke up with their girlfriends to go on the show, which Grant denies. Nick B takes off his jacket to “step to” Chad and Chad for some reason calls him “Santa.” I’m confused by the whole exchange. But Chad declines the invitation to “take it outside,” and says they shouldn’t fight in dress shoes. “We’re both going to fall down anyway,” Chad says. “Do you want to look stupid? Think about your thoughts before you say them.” Wise words, Chad.
Alex and Chad bicker. Derek claims he and Chad got into a fight over him moving Chad’s protein, which I don’t doubt. Chad’s response to Derek is “your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Such an enigma, that Chad- just when you think he’s all paleo and heavy lifting, he pulls out a sartorial insult. And when he tries to come to his own defense, his argument is this: “I never talked directly to you guys about this.” As if talking behind their backs was the noble way to handle it. When CH grills him with specifics, Chad never backs down or admits fault. Alex was “super annoying.” His threat to Jordan was “I never said what I would do when I found him. Maybe I’ll show up to his house and bring him some candy.” He’s as delusional as he is entertaining, God bless him. Of the final two, Chad calls Jordan “insincere” (hallelujah) and claims Robby has “threatened” his ex. When asked about Evan, Chad says he “respected” him and thought he was a good guy until Evan did the steroid jokes about him and then pushed him. Evan denies this, so CH rolls tape. Twice. Turns out Evan did push first. Chad claims he “almost fell” but nobody buys that. They talk about the wall-punching incident, to which CH says he has never understood why anyone would choose to punch a wall. I completely agree on that one. CH asks Evan, “Did you poke the bear?” Evan won’t fully cop to it, but admits he kind of did. Then they all talk about how much they disliked Chad, but trust me, Wells, your literary reference of Lord of the Flies fell on deaf ears with Chad. I doubt he’s ever read anything but the nutritional content of his package of protein powder. To sum it up, CH asks Chad if he has any regrets, to which Chad says no, and further, “Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles.” What the actual eff does that even mean!?!? People in the crowd are wearing “The Chadelor” tees, which I love. I mean, love him or hate him (I vacillate somewhere in between), you have to admit he makes for riveting television.
Next up is Luke, and we see a recap of all their various makeouts. The crowd loves him. And I can’t help but notice how diplomatic and unemotional most of his responses are. I’ve heard a lot of rumors that he is the new Bachelor, and based on his appearance here, I don’t doubt that they are true. He says he was in love with JoJo and still loves her but that he just wants her to be happy. He calls himself, “Happy, ready and optimistic about what the future might hold.” I would say it likely holds 25 women vying to date him in the not-so-distant-future.
CH talks to Chase next, who looks gooooooood. I would love to see him be the Bachelor, but good lord, how BORING would that season be? He says he was in love with JoJo and doesn’t regret telling her because it was the first time he’s ever been able to say it. First? Ever? It’s unclear, but what is clear that those words are a big deal to him. He comes off genuine and sweet and I’m happy to say my crush on him remains intact.
JoJo comes out in a tight, red number (natch) and says that she still feels the repercussions of the goodbyes with Luke and Chase. Prior to this, she had never broken up with anyone, so it was all new to her. She claims she tried to go with her gut and not lead anyone on. Chase comes onstage and they hug it out. He tells her he was hurt by the way he got dumped and she apologizes and says she still doesn’t know if she “played it right.” They cut to Chad, who is eating what looks like chunks of beef jerky out of his jacket pocket. Of course he is. Chad chimes in that “Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before to go on the show” and “Jordan is a liar/cheater whose brother won’t talk to him.” I mean, he’s probably right, but still- low blow, Chad. JoJo says he’s “not worth her breath” because he loves the attention he’s getting from it. She thanks all the guys and most of them are kind to her. Derek uses his time to get her to tell the other guys that she didn’t give him a “pity rose.” Vinny’s mom chimes in from the audience to tell her that she bypassed the greatest guy of all in her son. They show some lame bloopers and then JoJo talks about how she is “very happy” with her decision.
As the season comes to a close, I stand by my original assertion that Jordan will be the last man standing. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. And more than that, I really DON’T CARE. I kind of just want it to be over. So I’ll see you all next week, to recap the finale, and then it’s on to Paradise, where we are all dying to be. Until then, may your wine glass never be empty and may your pockets always be filled with various dehydrated meats. See you next week.