There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7

“Home, let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you. Our home, yes I am home. Home is when I’m alone with you.” Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home

Hello friends. Tonight, we saw the hometown episode, which is, in my opinion, the most boring one of the entire season, except of course for last season, when JoJo’s mom was pounding champs straight out the bottle and became a meme heard round the world, much to my delight. Tonight, however, offered no such gems- just a bunch of boring, old parents who behaved totally appropriately. Yawn. So with that, let’s get to the episode.

The first date was with Chase in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Apparently he still lives in the town where he was born and raised, and so do both of his divorced parents, which JoJo is informed she will be meeting separately. He set it up like it was going to be fraught with drama, but in standard Chase fashion, it fell a little flat. First dad comes to Chase’s house to meet JoJo, and the first thing I notice is that Chase’s house is “shabby chic,” except not really chic. At all. He’s spent a lot of time talking to JoJo about how his parents’ divorce has shaped his adult relationships, which I get, but he just doesn’t seem to have the emotional depth to back it up. But I still find him  hot. I just don’t really want him to talk. Ever. He tells JoJo he’s had a lot of “highs and lows” with his father, but now his dad is happily remarried and the relationship between father and son seems to be on the mend. The conversation is all a bit awkward, but Chase and his dad trade compliments to each other and to JoJo and his dad leaves, seemingly giving the union his blessing, should it come to that. Though before he leaves, Chase’s dad does mention that he’s not crazy about the odds- “Four guys all fighting for the same girl? What if you don’t win this one?” Well, normally, pops, I’d say not winning really ups one’s odds of being the new Bachelor, but with Chase’s sparkling personality and witty banter being as nonexistent as it is… well, I’m going to say those odds ain’t great either.

They walk thorough piles of snow to get to Chase’s mom’s house, and for once, JoJo’s bulky sweater isn’t entirely seasonally inappropriate.  It’s all or nothing with that girl- she’s either in a turtleneck and baggy pants or a crop-top and hot pants. There they meet Chase’s mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I didn’t bother learning any of their names, because frankly, I didn’t care. I had to rewind a scene at dinner,though, because when Chase toasts and says, “I hope you guys can see what I see in her,” I swear I heard his mother reply with, “You have a spectacular rack and that always goes a long way with me.” For the record, she said laugh, not rack. The mom and JoJo go talk outside. Mom tells her that she knows Chase is crazy about her. And JoJo tells her he’s better at demonstrating his affection than verbalizing it. His mom says the divorce affected him deeply, yada, yada, yada and it’s all a big, giant snooze. Meanwhile, Chase and his sister are having a virtually identical conversation inside. The producers must have really struggled to find a story line here, because it’s all so BORING. Eventually, Chase tells his mom he would be ready to propose to JoJo in the end, and then he tells JoJo he’s falling in love with her before she leaves. They both get teary. If it wasn’t for the bottle of wine beckoning me to finish it, I would have been asleep at this point. Continue reading “There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7”

Leader of the Pack- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 6

“Marry him, or marry me. I’m the one who loves you baby, can’t you see? I ain’t got no future or family tree but I know what a prince and lover ought to be.” Spin Doctors, Two Princes.

Hello everyone. Welcome to another edition of my weekly Bachelorette recap. I have to say, I was pleased that this week delivered way more than last week, which isn’t saying much, but it was a big improvement. I still miss the antics of everyone’s favorite carnivore Chad (don’t think those two quick BIP promos didn’t have me counting down the minutes until August 2nd, when my favorite trashtastic installment of the franchise premieres) but at least they gave us something to talk about this week, even if only Alex’s gem of a “gaucho costume” and all the bickering about who is, and is not a “front runner.” So let’s get to the episode.

Once again, we open in Buenos Aires. At least we were spared the geography lesson this week. JoJo recaps the previous rose ceremony and says she needs more time with the guys before deciding on hometowns. She also mentions, again, that she is afraid that she might potentially “fall for” two guys, much like Ben’s dilemma in the previous season. I think that’s putting a pretty optimistic spin on the word “love” after only knowing the guys for a grand total of about two months and juggling them all the while, nonetheless, but she’s a romantic. Or delusional.  Either way, girlfriend is in it to win it.

The guys all talk about the “shocking turn of events” at the rose ceremony as well, and the focus is on Alex, saying he needs more time with her cause he’s the only one who has yet to have a one-on-one. And wouldn’t you know it, in a case of perfect timing, in walks Chris Harrison, with the news that this week will contain three one-on-one dates and a group date. However, none of the one-on-ones will have roses up for grabs, so the pressure is off. And better still, he has date card #1 in his hand, and it goes to…you guessed it- Alex.  The card says, “Alex, I gaucho on my mind.” Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of this show, or maybe the editors need some new tricks, but I knew exactly how this was going to go down. Well, I mean, except for Alex’s ensemble, which we will get to in due time, but is a rare Bachelorette moment that has never been rivaled and will likely never be topped in the “looking like an idiot” department. But more on that later. Continue reading “Leader of the Pack- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 6”

You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling- A Bachelorette recap for Episode 5

“I bore myself to sleep at night. I bore myself in broad daylight. Cause I’m bored…” Iggy Pop, I’m Bored

I’m not going to lie to you, people- I had to really force myself to sit down and write this recap this week. Truth be told, I had to force myself to watch last night’s episode in its entirety because, if I’m being honest, It. Was. So. BORING. But, like any good “investigative reporter” (read: reality TV junkie), I forced myself to watch, and I forced myself to find some talking points that are somewhat interesting at the very least. So let’s get to it, shall we?

We open in Buenos Aires and, much like last week, ABC has little faith in the viewers’ grasp of where that is, as we were treated to another mini-geography lesson. JoJo arrives at the hotel, and for once, her dress is neither two-pieced, nor sparkly.  She looks gorgeous in this little red, form-fitting number. She talks about how it’s the perfect city to fall in love, she’s closer to finding her husband, etc. Chris Harrison meets her for a little state-of-the-union and she confesses that Robby already said the ‘L’ word. Even Chris seems a little shocked, and he’s seen it all. She tells Chris she’s a little worried, to which I immediately thought, “As well you should be.” If someone is willing to bust out the “I love you” after knowing you for less than a month, all while you’re dating 20 of his friends, I think it throws up a few red flags. She ends the conversation saying that she’s afraid she might “fall in love with two people like Ben did.”

The guys head to their accommodations, and I immediately notice that Luke is wearing skinny camo-print jeans and a deep, deep V-tee, and they need to be dealt with. Immediately. His whole vibe creeps me out. They find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and another two-on-one, “for the first time EVER.” Nobody is happy about this. They walk and talk and all I can think is, “Good Lord, Alex is short.” And James Taylor’s festering eye wound still looks disgusting. Continue reading “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling- A Bachelorette recap for Episode 5”

Hey, Jealousy- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 4

“There’s a little girl I know, you might know her too. She looks so good, huh, she looks so cute. Standing next to you, and I don’t know what to do. I want your girlfriend to be my, I want your girlfriend to be my, I want your girlfriend to be my girlfriend.” Reel Big Fish, I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend Too

Hello again, and welcome to my weekly Bachelorette recap. The past few episodes were all Chad, Chad and more Chad and the last episode ended with a riveting teaser in which he seemingly refused to leave the house.  And while the episode didn’t entirely deliver what it promised on that front, there is still lots to talk about, so let’s get to it, shall we?

We open pretty much exactly where we left off last week- the raucous celebration  back at the hotel upon hearing the news of Chad’s demise. Guys are high-fiving, clinking glasses, making up songs (ENOUGH, James Taylor. We get it- you own a guitar), and even spreading the ashes of Chad’s leftover protein powder as a funeral-style send off. Evan is more delighted than the rest of the bunch, but the overall feeling in the house seems to be one of “Ding Dong, the Meathead’s gone.” But not so fast, gentlemen. We see Chad creepily whistling to himself as he lumbers through the forest in his finest khakis and ever-present fleece. Suddenly, we hear something and James F (I think) says, “It’s Chad at the front door.” Maybe he wants his protein powder back? Evan thinks so, too, and looks genuinely afraid that it may come out that it was his idea to get rid of it in the first place.

So Chad enters, and honestly, the whole thing is a little anti-climactic. Chad, of course, tells the guys that JoJo didn’t choose him because of what Alex said about him, not even taking a beat to acknowledge that it’s possible that a woman just might not be into him. He offers a kind of half-assed apology and says that everyone “ganged up” on him and he felt like his only option was to threaten people. Jordan then steps up, and in a rare moment that actually seems sincere, offers Chad an apology and says that it must have been hard for him to feel like nobody in the house liked or understood him. Chad doesn’t buy it, and points his large finger in Jordan’s face and tells him he doesn’t “have half a brain.” Chad then reinforces exactly what type of guy he is by trying to squeeze Jordan’s hand really hard in a handshake (according to Jordan, anyway) and continues saying things that are designed to intimidate the guys. And then Evan, the resident pipsqueak, gets all big and tough and asks Chad for money to replace his shirt. Not the time and place, buddy. I’m sure ABC will reimburse your 25 bucks if it’s really that urgent. The guys realize that it’s going nowhere, fast, and Jordan rallies the troops away, leaving Chad alone, left to do nothing but go gentle into that good night. But not before he does some sort of spin and jazz hands on the front porch on the way out. I, for one, am looking very forward to seeing his antics on Bachelor in Paradise. Continue reading “Hey, Jealousy- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 4”

Sausage Fest- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 3, Part 2

“Cause I’m bad news, baby I’m bad news. I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news.” Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes

Hello, and welcome to part two of week three’s Bachelorette recap. Obviously, the previous episode was notably Chad-centric, and this one is, too, though slightly less so. This episode focused a bit less on Chad, and a bit more on how the other guys in the house deal with Chad and try to help JoJo see what they see. Of course, there were still some golden Chad moments, which we will get to, but we also got such gems as seeing Evan’s lame tattoos and douchey necklace, Luke’s version of “rugged” and JoJo wearing a macrame top over her bathing suit. So without further ado, let’s get to the episode.

We start with a pool party, which is a complete sausage fest, in that it’s one girl and 20-some guys, and Chad, of course, is eating some kind of smoked meat. He also keeps inexplicably drinking some bright neon green drink, which could be a bodybuilding drink or absinthe- I can’t decide.  Either way, he has a giant pint glass full of it in nearly every scene.  Chad leaves his conversation with Chris Harrison and enters the house, where he offers the most half-assed apology ever. Evan is having none of it, and says, “You owe me a new shirt and a real apology.” Chad offers to give him twenty bucks.  And then sticks to his guns that the shirt grab was only in response to Evan pushing him.  I don’t think anyone is buying it. But Wells steps in and says that they all feel uncomfortable with Chad in the house. Nothing much happens to resolve anything and they all go to the pool party, where they do shots and choreograph some kind of synchronized dive, during which Evan gets a nose bleed. It should be noted that Evan, Jordan and Chad are all wearing necklaces for some strange reason.  Luke is, too, but he later explains the meaning of his, so he gets a pass. The others do not, however, and should immediately remove all items of leather jewelry ASAP.

JoJo and Jordan go for some alone time, where she tells him how crazy she is about him but that she feels she needs to play it cool because she doesn’t know where his head is at. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the very act of telling him that is the opposite of playing it cool. “I’m breezy… ” Anyway, they have an awkward conversation and he decides he needs to “step it up” and make sure she knows how he feels. They make out a little to seal the deal.She also has a brief conversation with Robby and they, too, make out.

Soon, she sits down to talk to Chad, who is still eating and drinking his green drink. She tells him that he’s been very “well-behaved” and he grins like an idiot, and I can’t help but notice how creepily veiny he is. Ew. He talks to her about Evan, and basically says that if she’s at all into Evan, there’s no way she’s into him, since they are polar opposites. Evan comes to interrupt them while they talk, so Chad stomps away, angrily. As Chad lurks and sulks, he makes the observation that “97% of the guys’ conversations are about him,” and I hate to say it, but he’s not wrong. They all have something to say about Chad to JoJo. Derek explains the security guard’s presence to her, while Chad runs out into the woods, shirtless. And just like that, it’s time for the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Chad pulls Derek aside and says, “Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend, it wasn’t me.” Derek takes issue with this and explains that all the guys in the house feel physically threatened by Chad, not jealous of him. They have a silly fight wherein Derek accuses Chad of being there only to “get in front of a camera.” Chad responds with an accusation that Derek is basically a “stalker” because he watched the previous season and already feels like he’s in love with JoJo. JoJo then enters wearing a shiny, two-piece crop top dress.

The rose ceremony begins, and James Taylor, Chase and Evan already have roses. Then she hands out roses to (in this order) Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, and…. wait for it… Chad. Christian, Ali and Nick are eliminated, and Nick takes issue with the fact that Chad was given a rose over him. All the remaining men and JoJo toast, and she tells them that they are leaving the mansion for good. Continue reading “Sausage Fest- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 3, Part 2”

Sweet Potato Pie- A Bachelorette Recap for episode 3, Part 1

“I’m very well-acquainted with the seven deadly sins. I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in. I’m proud to be a glutton, and I don’t have time for sloth. I’m greedy and I’m angry and I don’t care who I cross.” Warren Zevon, Mr. Bad Example

Hello again. Welcome to my weekly Bachelorette recap.  This week is a “special two night event,” and according to Chris Harrison, it’s to be “the most dramatic rose ceremony yet.” (I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before.) And while it may not have shown us all the drama it promised just yet, we did get to witness a lot of the ass-baggery we’ve come to expect from Chad, our very own Mr. Bad Example, and we still have another two hours to go. So let’s get to the episode, shall we?

We open on the mansion after the previous night’s rose ceremony.  The house looks like a bomb went off and we see remnants of Chad’s meat plates strewn about the place. The guys collectively complain about Chad’s continued presence in the house, and Evan so eloquently describes it as follows: “There are two sides to every Chad. Douche. And asshole.” Correct me if I’m wrong, Evan, but those seem like the same side. Some of the guys take note of the fact that Chad and Daniel seem to be hitting it off in a real BFF manner and yet another complains about the fact that Chad is always eating and/or counting calories. And then in a brilliant blink-and-you-miss-it moment, the camera instantly pans to Chad counting calories. Inaccurately. Chad, (and this is a direct quote) “Okay so we’ve got 240+280 so that equals 550.” No, Chad. It really doesn’t. What a shocker that he’s not good at math. Continue reading “Sweet Potato Pie- A Bachelorette Recap for episode 3, Part 1”

Every Rose Has Its Thorn- A Bachelorette Recap

“I don’t know, it must have been the roses. The roses or the ribbons in her long brown hair. I don’t know, maybe it was the roses. All I know is I could not leave her there.” The Grateful Dead, It Must Have Been the Roses

Just for anyone who doesn’t know me, I am a proud lover of all things Bachelor Nation.  I count myself among the most die-hard of the OG fans, but even I couldn’t watch the season with the fisherman guy all those years ago.  It’s the only full season I’ve ever missed, although, full disclosure, I had to cut and run on Juan Pablo a few episodes before the finale too, because I just couldn’t hear “It’s okay,” one more time.  But aside from those small lapses in viewership, I have been a loyal fan from the beginning. And not because it’s particularly good, even, and certainly not because I buy into the fairytale that it’s a successful way to find a lasting relationship.  It’s virtually the same every season- someone who isn’t “there for the right reasons,” combined with “the most dramatic rose ceremony yet” and a lot of douchebaggery and whining in between.  I mean, I don’t know about you, but that’s all I’m really looking for from my reality television- something to entertain me while I drink wine and judge.  So with that, I welcome you to my weekly Bachelorette recap.  I would have started last week, but it was the first one and nothing much ever happens in that one besides meeting all the contestants and, if you’re anything like me, copious note-taking to come up with your pics for the season.

So that brings us to episode 2. They open on a shot of the men at the mansion, and all I could think was So. Much. Hair. Gel. I’m guessing that house smells strongly of protein powder and Axe body spray. Anyway, they bring in Date Card #1 and the men included are Luke, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinnie, Ali, James F, Wells, Robbie and Grant (I think- at this point I am not familiar with any of them, but I’m pretty sure those are the correct names.) Evan was reading out the names and got a little giddy when he read his own, and all I could  think was, “Evan’s hair. Evan’s outfit. Just Evan,” A hard no on him, all around, for me. Anyway, I can’t quite recall the cheesy intro to the date that “JoJo” (the producers) wrote on the date card, but it doesn’t matter. I was sure it was going to be something lame that would pit the guys against each other for “extra time” with JoJo, and in typical Bach format, it did not disappoint. Continue reading “Every Rose Has Its Thorn- A Bachelorette Recap”

What a Drag It Is Getting Old

“Doctor please, some more of these. Outside the door, she took four more. What a drag it is getting old”   The Rolling Stones, Mother’s Little Helper

I happened to overhear something hilarious while out shopping yesterday. A 50-something dad was trying to explain a disposable camera to his tween daughter.  She was holding the relic, looking at it like it was some kind of magical fossil from the Jurassic era, while he was attempting to tell her how it worked. Daughter: “But like where do I upload the pics?” Dad: “You don’t upload.  You take them to a lab to get prints.” Daughter: “Wait, but like, what does that mean?” Dad: “Prints. (off her confused look) “Prints. Actual paper pictures.” Daughter: “But, like, what’s the point of that? Like, how do I even put that on my Instagram?” I couldn’t help laughing and then it hit me- the fact is, I kind of got a late start on this parenting thing and when my kid is that age, I will be (gasp) also firmly into my 50s. How did this happen? When did I get so old?

You barely think about it when you’re young. You know you’ll get old someday, but someday seems So. Far. Away. And you take it for granted- the smoothness of your skin, perkiness of your ass and boobies (and everything else), the sharpness of your mind, the thickness of your hair.  These are things that barely register because it seems like a given that they will always be so. Until they aren’t. Until suddenly, you’re being referred to as ma’am and not even getting the courtesy ID check when buying a drink. And then, if you’re anything like me (did I mention that I’m a little bit crazy?) you’ll start to panic that the easiest currency you’ve kind of always had in your back pocket is depreciating quickly. Continue reading “What a Drag It Is Getting Old”

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

“Three of these kids belong together, three of these kids are kind of the same. But one of these kids is doing her own thing, now it’s time to play our game” Sesame Street

It was Easter Sunday, and we had made reservations at a very swanky Easter brunch at the Trump golf course in Palos Verdes.  It’s unlike us to spend silly money on stuff like that and even though we knew D wouldn’t eat a thing, (which he did not) we decided to splurge and have a fun outing as a family.  There would be other kids, and an Easter egg hunt and bunny and all that and we knew he would enjoy it.  So we decided to go for it.

We arrived and were seated at our lovely table, and in typical Rhonica fashion, I was ravenous upon entering the building, so I went to get some food for me and attempt to find something Declan would eat (complete fail on that front). Tom was perfectly happy to get started on the bottomless mimosas (I had already agreed to be the driver) so he stayed with D while I hit the buffet.  About three seconds into walking into the dining room, I remembered that I had forgotten my heels in the car and was still wearing the flip flops I wore to drive there. And it’s not exactly the kind of place where most of the women wear flip flops, let alone a dress from Target, which I was wearing because it was loose and flowy and somewhat managed to hide the fertility drug bloat I was sporting (more on that later.) Anyway, I’m self consciously browsing the buffet in my flip flops and Target’s finest when I hear, “Rhonica? Is that you?” She was the wife of an ex-boyfriend’s good friend, whom I had known for years while I was dating my ex.  She’s a perfectly lovely person and has always been nothing but nice to me, but I’ve always felt somewhat uncomfortable around her.  We’re just very different.  She’s always all Chanel on Hermes on Prada and I’m… Target on Old Navy flip flops. And not to mention that she owns a fitness studio, so she’s always in amazing shape, and I suddenly became very aware of my chubby Clomid face that was only accentuated by the fact that I had recently gotten the grand idea to chop 6″ off my hair.  Not my finest moment, appearance-wise. Continue reading “One of These Things is Not Like the Others”

A Letter to the love of my life on his 3rd birthday

“No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you. Come whatever, I’ll be the shelter that won’t let the rain come through. Your love, it is my truth, and I will always love you. ” Adele, Remedy

My dearest Declan Thomas,

I meant to write this letter on your first birthday.  But as it so often does, especially since we welcomed you into the world, time simply got away from me. I wanted to find a moment to sit down and tell you all the things I felt during my first year as a mom, but I couldn’t seem to find a spare moment to do it.  You were walking- running, really- by the time your first birthday rolled around, and it was all I could do to keep up with you.  See kid, I’m going to share a little secret with you that you’ll figure out soon enough on your own- mommy’s old.  Not like OLD old- just older than the average mom of such a young child. And I know you don’t know any different but once you go to school, you’ll see that most of the mommies are a little younger than yours.  It’s not a good thing or a bad thing- it’s just the way it worked out for us.  And we’re doing more than okay so far, so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.

Anyway, now that you know mommy is old, maybe you’ll appreciate what a game-changer bringing you home was.  I had lived nearly 40 years not having to be responsible for so much as a pet, and here you were, tiny, adorable, completely and utterly dependent upon me for everything.  And I’m not going to lie- it was terrifying.  Don’t get me wrong- I adored you from the second I laid eyes on you (before, even, but it didn’t really get real until you were handed to me) but I was so afraid that I wouldn’t have the slightest clue what to do with you.  And at first, I didn’t.  I think I did a pretty good job of faking it, but even when you started to actually sleep long stretches, I couldn’t, though I can’t remember ever being as tired as I was in those early days.  I was always getting up to check that you were breathing, or lying awake thinking of all the things I was likely doing wrong or even just staring at you while you slept because I couldn’t believe I had created something so perfect.  Not that it wasn’t tough;  I won’t sugarcoat it, the first 4-6 weeks of being a mom was easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I was hormonal, exhausted, recovering from a C-section and you ate CONSTANTLY.  There were days when I didn’t know why I even bothered wearing a shirt because you were nursing around the clock, but once we both got the hang of that, things got a lot easier.  And it was nobody’s fault, kid- we were both just learning.  But after the first 6 weeks or so, I started to become more confident in my ability to actually do this job because you really flourished and I couldn’t help but feel like I had at least a little something to do with that. And I know everyone thinks their kid is a genius, but you started doing things way before the age you were “supposed” to; things like smiling, laughing, rolling over.  You’ve always been way ahead of the curve, D, and even though you are only three, I don’t see that changing any time soon. Continue reading “A Letter to the love of my life on his 3rd birthday”