“I turn my cheek, music up and I’m puffing my chest. I’m getting ready to face you, you can call me obsessed. It’s not your fault that they hover, I mean no disrespect. It’s my right to be hellish. I still get jealous.” Nick Jonas, Jealous
Hello everyone and welcome to week 3 of this shitshow also known as The Bachelorette. Before we start, I have to make a correction from last week. I believe I mistakenly said Rachel made out with Alex on one of the group dates, when it was really Bryan. Considering the fact that they look similar, it was an honest mistake, but later in this episode, Alex mentions that he hasn’t kissed her yet, so my apologies. Anyway, while I am still ride-or-die for Rachel, I’m beginning to think the producers really outdid themselves this season by rounding up the biggest bunch of idiots and losers in franchise history, and if you’ve watched this show even half as much as I have, you know that’s saying a lot. I mean, there’s the Whaboom guy and Lucas and their weird feud, DeMario the cheater, Lee and his racist tweets and Bryce and his transphobic comments, just to name a few. And then there are reports that Bryan, a clear front-runner to go far in the competition and the recipient of the first impression rose (and Miss Lindsay’s first makeout sesh) was accused of insurance fraud. (He is a licensed chiropractor in Pennsylvania and was allegedly sued by Allstate Insurance regarding the matter, as reported by Radar Online.) Last week, we left off with a TBC directly involving one of these aforementioned Dbags, so without further ado, let’s see what DeMario has to say to try to get back into Rachel’s good graces.
As we open, the security guards hold DeMario at the gate while they fetch Rachel. A crowd of bros gathers outside while DeMario grovels and gives Queen Rachel some BS “quotes” about life and mistakes. He begs her for another chance, but Rachel isn’t biting. She tells him that she needs a man who owns his mistakes and from what she saw earlier, he is not that. She sends him on his merry way, but you can’t blame a guy for trying. They all head back inside to continue the cocktail party and nobody seems sad for DeMario to go. Buh-bye. Jonathan, the “tickle monster,” accosts her with some fake giant hands, which she pretends to find funny. They hug, but no kiss, because, well, he tickles her and wears fake giant hands. Sexy he is not. She says she’s “impressed” by Alex and compliments Will’s “outgoing personality.” She and Kenny chat and he shows her pics of his daughter and it makes me like him, even though I don’t find him particularly attractive at all. Any guy who is a good father automatically gets a thumbs up from me and Rachel seems to feel the same. Meanwhile, Whaboom and Blake continue to play their usual weird game of cat and mouse and it’s really creeping me out. Lucas tells Rachel that he woke up to Blake seductively eating a banana in his room while he was sleeping (what does that even mean?) and Blake’s denial of the incident is almost as odd as the accusation itself. “I don’t eat carbs cause I’m on a ketogenic diet,” Blake deadpans, and I hate him even more than Whaboom in that moment. CH enters and tells them it’s time for the rose ceremony. Peter, Josiah and Dean already have roses and the rest of the roses go as follows:
- Bryan (insurance scammer)
- Bryce (transphobic dude)
- Eric (Urkel entrance maybe?)
- Anthony (to which I said out loud “who?”)
- Will (I didn’t remember much about him but he makes himself known later)
- Jonathan (tickle monster)
- Jack (I think he’s a lawyer)
- Matt (maybe penguin suit guy)
- Alex (Russian dude with the abs)
- Adam (maybe creepy doll guy?)
- Kenny (single dad wrestler)
- Brady (model with the big hair)
- Lee (country crooner and part-time racist)
- Iggy (?)
- Fred (former camp counselee)
- Diggy (fashionista)
Blake and Whaboom and some other guy whose name I don’t know are sent packing. Blake can’t take any responsibility for his own shortcomings, of which there are many, and his insistence that a banana is a carb seems to be merely the tip of the ice berg, but he complains that Lucas “ruined it for both of us.” As they are giving their final exit interviews, they have another weird interaction and I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks it’s as likely to end in a passionate kiss as it is to come to fisticuffs. “You’re here for the wrong reasons… you wannabe comedian!” shouts Blake, and Lucas retorts with “Go back to your protein shakes! Go back to your steroids!” Finally, they are out of the mansion and out of our lives, and not a moment too soon.
The next day, CH goes to the mansion to tell the men that there will be two group dates that week and one one-on-one. He hands them the first date card and it is for Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will and Fred and it says “Lights, camera, action. Come join me on the set of Ellen.” My first thought is, “Oh, I love Ellen,” followed by, “There’s no need to drag her into this.” They go to the set and Rachel calls Ellen her “spirit animal.” They watch the guys enter the studio and Ellen humorously critiques all of them and I have to admit that I have a girl crush on her cause she is the BEST. She brings the guys out for a little get-to-know-you chat and then makes them all dance, shirtless, with her audience. Alex seems a little too comfortable with this and pulls out some straight Magic Mike moves. Ellen remarks that “Tickle Guy doesn’t dance well” and boy, has she said a mouthful, as Jonathan is one of the worst dancers I’ve ever seen. They play an uneventful game of Never Have I Ever, where the juiciest secrets revealed are that Alex has peed in the pool at the mansion and Fred has hooked up with someone twice his age in the past. They go out after and Fred suggests that he should make a romantic move. I think all signs point to the fact that he should do anything but, but you do you, boo. First Rachel makes out with Alex, the closet strip dancer, and then again with Bryan, because when does she miss an opportunity to play tonsil hockey with him? When it’s Fred’s time to have some one-on-one time with her, he tries to remind her that he’s a “man” now and then awkwardly asks if he can kiss her. And when that goes down like a lead balloon, he just grabs her and plants one on her and it’s so, so not sexy. She immediately sends him home, which can’t be great for the old ego. Soon after, Alex gets the date rose.
Back at the manse, Eric (who?) is feeling frustrated about his lack of time with Rachel and bitching to anyone who will listen. A date card arrives and Anthony (again, who?) gets the one-on-one that says, “Meet me at the rodeo.” He goes to the date and they ride horses on Rodeo Drive and shop for boots and hats and let their horses shit willy-nilly among the fancy shops. What poor PA’s job was it to clean up that mess, I wonder? He seems nice and they have a good flirtation and banter that carries on into their “dinner” overlooking the city, where they talk family, childhood, etc, and she offers him the date rose, as well as her lips. The only thing I find pretty annoying about him is that he refers to himself in the third person quite a lot, which isn’t ideal. But with this bunch of merry losers, one takes it case by case, I suppose.
Back at the house, another date card arrives for Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack and Eric that says, “Sometimes in relationships the women have to take charge.” Iggy is upset that he hasn’t had a date and for some reason, he and Eric get into it. It’s all very silly. On the group date, Rachel arrives with Corinne, Raven, Jasmine and Alexis and calls them her “squad.” They leave in a limo to destinations unknown and both Bryce and Lee tell the other girls that Eric isn’t (you guessed it) “here for the right reasons.” The date is a mud wrestling event, and once again, these guys prove themselves to be a very unathletic bunch as a whole. Even Kenny, who is a “professional wrestler” can’t beat scrawny Bryce, who comes out as the victor of the whole event. The other girls share their concerns about Eric (because of course they do) and name names of who told them this information to begin with. Rachel and Eric have a super awkward conversation where she tells him what she heard and he gets angry. He confronts the other guys and Bryce stares calmly into the distance in his cowl neck sweater, while Lee gives some bullshit excuse to try to weasel his way out of it. They argue and yada, yada, yada, eventually the date rose goes to Eric.
We cut to the cocktail party the next night, where Iggy and Eric once again have words. Lee gets involved a little, and Eric keeps repeating a phrase that I have always despised, “My name was in YOUR MOUTH.” (Seriously, what does that even MEAN?) Rachel talks to Eric and basically says that her guard is up where he is concerned and once again, shock of all shocks, we are TBC. I have to say, the manufactured drama and constant To Be Continued nonsense is getting really old, but much like an addict waiting for his next fix, I will be watching next Monday, because what else am I going to do? I can only take solace in knowing that you will be watching, too, so until then, bottoms up, my friends. Cheers.