End Of The Line- A Bachelor Recap for the Finale of Nick’s Season and ATFR

“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.” Linkin Park, In the End

Hello everyone and welcome for the moment we’ve all been waiting for- and no, that’s not to see if Bachelor Nick chooses Raven or Vanessa (duh- it’s been obvious all along)- the glorious end of a season that seems to have gone on forever. But before you start high-fiving and getting excited to never see Nick Viall’s face on your TV screen again, not so fast, because for some ungodly reason, he’s going to be on Dancing with the Stars in the upcoming season. Normally, this would not affect me in the least, having given up watching these so-called “stars” dance many seasons ago, but this year, one miss Erika Jayne neè Girardi is going to be competing, and she’s a goddamn national treasure, so it’s just my luck to have to start watching again on the season where Nick Viall and his bad perm and likely worse dance moves will be invading my TV viewing once again. But I’ll take a few of Nick’s dorky dance moves if it means I get to see Erika “pat the puss.” (If you don’t watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, that went completely over your head. And also, shame on you. Second only to RHONY, it’s one of the crown jewels of Bravo.) So without further ado, let’s dissect this episode and with any luck, never have to utter the name Nick Viall ever again.

Where to begin? First and foremost, it seems Nick falls in love A LOT. He says he’s in love with both Raven and Vanessa and is sticking to the story that he was in love with Andi and Kaitlyn too. That’s a lot of “love” in a few years. CH tells us it’s another “dramatic” three hours, but at least he has something to do this time other than counting roses for us, as he’s hosting some sort of “live show.” He has mentioned the word “desperate” no fewer than three times in the first ten minutes of the show when talking about Nick’s “search for love.” We open in Rovaniemi, Finland (I hope I spelled that right) and I still hate Nick’s winter wardrobe. (Not that his summer wardrobe was any better in paradise, lest we forget his tiny shorts that he insisted on rocking through most of his stay there.) He walks through the snow and looks contemplative. Or maybe he’s just as over him being on this show as we are. Either way, he meets up with his family where his mom and dad and six of their seemingly thousands of children are waiting for him. His cute little sister Bella is back, along with another young sibling and I can’t help but think that they should both be in school instead of traipsing off to Finland to try to help their loser brother find a wife for the third time on this show. Shame on you, Mama and Daddy Viall. Continue reading End Of The Line- A Bachelor Recap for the Finale of Nick’s Season and ATFR

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 10 and The Women Tell All

“I need some love like I never needed love before.
(Wanna make love to ya, baby) I had a little love now I’m back for more (Wanna make love to ya, baby) Set your spirit free, it’s the only way to be” The Spice Girls, 2 Become 1

Hello everyone. Welcome to this “very special” (read: so long that I needed to pound an espresso in the middle of it so I wouldn’t fall asleep)  3 hour Bachelor event. I have no idea when they decided that the Women Tell All episode should be two hours, in an of itself, but to add the last hour of the fantasy suite dates to that is just cruel and unusual punishment, not entirely unlike what an overnight date with Nick would be like. But Raven seemed to enjoy herself, so who am I to judge? So let’s get into it.

We open the next morning after Nick and Raven’s overnight. She seems happy and remarks that she is “very satisfied” (wink wink) and we get to see this unfold in a very cheesy montage with a song that sounds vaguely like “Walking on Sunshine” but is decidedly a knock-off that was much cheaper to buy the rights to. No surprise that they didn’t spring for a real song, judging by the budget the rest of the season. She skips through the snow, she lies down to make snow angels and she says, “Nick is very good at what he does.” Somehow I beg to differ. But he has spread “what he does” kind of net wide among bachelor nation, so maybe she’s on to something. Anyway, Nick takes his leave of her and goes on to do “what he does” with Rachel. She arrives looking cute and her special surprise is… reindeer and a sleigh ride. Seriously ABC? These dates are so bad. And Nick’s Finland wardrobe isn’t much better. He really seems to be sticking with the turtlenecks. They chat and Rachel tells him she’s falling for him. I can tell it’s hard for her, because she’s usually so articulate and she’s saying “like” every other word as if she’s Corinne. Nick actually tells her he’s falling for her, too, and then wouldn’t you know it, he pulls out a key “should you decide to forgo your individual rooms and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” She agrees to do this and I can’t help but think that on previous seasons, it seemed like there was at least a day or two and half an island in between the overnight dates, but it seems that this go-round, he’s had a scant three hours in between and the dates seem to be taking place right next door to each other. He tells Rachel that he really likes her when she’s vulnerable and then he presumably introduces her to little Nick after the door closes. The next morning Rachel says she can’t wait to meet his family and “seal the deal.” Continue reading Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 10 and The Women Tell All

Let’s Get It On- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 9

“Close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candlelight. For tonight is just your night and we’re gonna celebrate all through the night.” Boyz II Men, I’ll Make Love to You

Hello everyone. We find ourselves here, close to the end, when we get to see the overnight dates, as if we haven’t seen enough of Nick Viall boning on this show already. (Lest we all forget him whining, “Why did you make love to me then?” to Andi after she dumped him.) I always find this episode to be so boring, especially since it’s split into a two-parter this season. I personally don’t know why any of these girls want to have overnights with him, but he is the Bachelor, for another few episodes anyway, so this is what we have to work with. So, with that being said (a shout-out to Nick’s oft-uttered phrase), let’s get into it.

First and foremost, Nick is treated to an awkward visit by Andi, who dumped him just before the final rose several seasons ago. He answers the door and she says, “I heard you were in town” and saunters in. He offers her a drink and she says she thinks the conversation “calls for whiskey.” She says she’s just there “checking in” which seems extremely convenient since she has a new book coming out soon. Nick gets even dorkier than normal while talking to Andi and says, “The last time you knocked on my door you broke up with me.” They discuss his relationships with the women and he tells her that he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s the bachelor. And then Andi inappropriately asks him if he’s planning on banging any of the ladies during the overnights. She then goes on and gives him her “permission” to be intimate. Um, thanks girl who dumped Nick a thousand years ago and has barely spoken to him since.

I’m sure he was waiting on you to give him the go-ahead. Anyway, Andi appears to be done giving him her sage advice (since her own engagement that stemmed from this show was so successful that she had to write a tell-all book about how terrible the relationship was) so she leaves and Nick heads to the rose ceremony. Continue reading Let’s Get It On- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 9

Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)

“I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m in between.” Britney Spears, I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Hello everyone. Today we are taking a bit of a turn from all things Bachelor Nation and reviewing a little Lifetime movie called Britney Ever After. I’m not going to lie- I’m a complete Lifetime movie junkie, and not because they are good. In fact, they are the complete opposite of good, and therein lies the appeal. I’ve long been a fan of these over-the-top, cheesy movies since junior high, before Lifetime, when they used to air in primetime on weeknights. Who wouldn’t love to feast their eyes on a movie about a murderous cheerleader or a co-ed who turns to hooking to pay her tuition or a girl with an eating disorder and a heart of gold in their formative years? (The answer to that question is a lot of people, but I  can get sucked in to a glossy movie with a message any day of the week.) Anyway, Britney Ever After doesn’t disappoint, so let’s delve into some of the finer moments, shall we?

The movie is shot in flashbacks while Britney gives an interview to talk about her big comeback after her much-publicized 2007 meltdown. When we open, Brit is new on the scene and just starting to tour with NSync as the opening act. She’s dressed like a literal baby, in overalls with a striped onesie and pigtails, and it is important to note that the actress who plays Britney (Natasha Bassett) looks absolutely nothing like her, other than the fact that she has blond hair and brown eyes. From the beginning, we see that Jamie Spears (Brit-Brit’s “daddy”) is a grouchy alcoholic with money problems who makes everyone’s life miserable. Brit’s mom Lynn seems over him from the word go, which should make the news that they eventually divorce come as a surprise to nobody. Along for the tour is Brit’s assistant, Fee (Felicia, maybe? No idea) to basically be her parent/guardian since neither of her actual guardians could be bothered to make the trip. Brit’s little sister JamieLynn (get it? Jamie- the dad, and Lynn- the mom. How clever) is along for the drop-off, as is Reg (Britney’s high school sweetheart apparently), who Britney’s manager Larry is very dismissive of, presumably to keep Brit’s appeal as a relatable virgin intact. It’s clear from the beginning that A)Britney isn’t too bright and B) she isn’t really allowed to make many decisions about anything. And then suddenly, like a denim-clad, curly-haired 90s beacon of shining light, Justin Timberlake appears. Justin and Britney have history (they appeared on The Mickey Mouse club together as children) and they definitely have a lot of sexual tension. They flirt and I have to say that the actor who played Justin(Nathan Keyes, whoever that is) nailed his voice and mannerisms. This just goes to show what a likable person the real JTimbo is, because even in a terrible movie like this, he comes off as charming. Continue reading Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)