Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)

“I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m in between.” Britney Spears, I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Hello everyone. Today we are taking a bit of a turn from all things Bachelor Nation and reviewing a little Lifetime movie called Britney Ever After. I’m not going to lie- I’m a complete Lifetime movie junkie, and not because they are good. In fact, they are the complete opposite of good, and therein lies the appeal. I’ve long been a fan of these over-the-top, cheesy movies since junior high, before Lifetime, when they used to air in primetime on weeknights. Who wouldn’t love to feast their eyes on a movie about a murderous cheerleader or a co-ed who turns to hooking to pay her tuition or a girl with an eating disorder and a heart of gold in their formative years? (The answer to that question is a lot of people, but I  can get sucked in to a glossy movie with a message any day of the week.) Anyway, Britney Ever After doesn’t disappoint, so let’s delve into some of the finer moments, shall we?

The movie is shot in flashbacks while Britney gives an interview to talk about her big comeback after her much-publicized 2007 meltdown. When we open, Brit is new on the scene and just starting to tour with NSync as the opening act. She’s dressed like a literal baby, in overalls with a striped onesie and pigtails, and it is important to note that the actress who plays Britney (Natasha Bassett) looks absolutely nothing like her, other than the fact that she has blond hair and brown eyes. From the beginning, we see that Jamie Spears (Brit-Brit’s “daddy”) is a grouchy alcoholic with money problems who makes everyone’s life miserable. Brit’s mom Lynn seems over him from the word go, which should make the news that they eventually divorce come as a surprise to nobody. Along for the tour is Brit’s assistant, Fee (Felicia, maybe? No idea) to basically be her parent/guardian since neither of her actual guardians could be bothered to make the trip. Brit’s little sister JamieLynn (get it? Jamie- the dad, and Lynn- the mom. How clever) is along for the drop-off, as is Reg (Britney’s high school sweetheart apparently), who Britney’s manager Larry is very dismissive of, presumably to keep Brit’s appeal as a relatable virgin intact. It’s clear from the beginning that A)Britney isn’t too bright and B) she isn’t really allowed to make many decisions about anything. And then suddenly, like a denim-clad, curly-haired 90s beacon of shining light, Justin Timberlake appears. Justin and Britney have history (they appeared on The Mickey Mouse club together as children) and they definitely have a lot of sexual tension. They flirt and I have to say that the actor who played Justin(Nathan Keyes, whoever that is) nailed his voice and mannerisms. This just goes to show what a likable person the real JTimbo is, because even in a terrible movie like this, he comes off as charming. Continue reading Britney, Baby One More Time- I watched “Britney Ever After” so you don’t have to (even though I think you should)

Welcome to My House- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 8

“The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone cause I’m going to make this place your home.” Phillip Phillips, Home.

Hello all, and welcome to this week’s Bachelor Nick recap. We’ve finally made it to hometowns, which is traditionally either a crazy episode (JoJo’s mom taking that bottle of veuve straight to the face or Kirk’s crazy taxidermist dad from Ali’s season come to mind) or a giant snooze, but somehow, this episode ended up coming in somewhere in the middle. I mean, there were definitely some boring moments, but we also got to see the gene pool that gave us Princess Corinne and we got to meet the famous Raquel,  so it wasn’t all bad. So without further ado, let’s dive right in.

We open back in Bimini, where Kristina has just been sent home and the girls are confused about whether or not there is going to be a rose ceremony since there are four of them left. They know that typically four girls go to hometowns, but since Nick is “unpredictable” (their words, not mine. I think he’s been nothing but predictable this season), they aren’t sure. Nick enters with a handful of roses and asks to sit down. He says he sent Kristina home before the rose ceremony because he knew his mind was made up and he had too much respect for her to put her through that. He says that it’s still very much a “two-way street” and wanted to have a private rose ceremony with the ladies at the hotel. He even offers a rose to Raven, who already has one, because he says it has to be a mutual decision. Spoiler alert- they all accept the roses and get ready to head to hometowns.

First we head to Hoxie, Arkansas for Raven’s hometown. She makes this big speech about how she’s ready to tell Nick that she’s “falling in love with him” and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she do that a few episodes ago, without much fanfare or reciprocation? Anyway, she goes on to explain some things that are fun in Hoxie and the only one I can even begin to decipher is “muddin'” whatever that is. This is hitting a little too close to home for me, having grown up in a tiny town myself, and I can think of nothing I would rather do less as an adult than ride four-wheelers or shoot guns or drive around in the mud. Anyway, she rides around on the requisite 4-wheeler and tells Nick about some tradition of climbing some “grain bins” (again, what?) when the police pull up. The cop asks Nick for ID, which he doesn’t have and then asks the same of Raven. It all feels a bit forced and suddenly, the cop deadpans, “She’s been giving me trouble my whole life” and we find out the cop is Raven’s older brother. He leaves and they continue 4 wheeling to their hearts’ content and Raven remarks that they are “about to get dirty.”  They splash around in the mud and eventually lie down and make out in it, and all I can think is that it’s really not going to do much for Raven’s already dire hair extension situation. Nick says that their relationship is “moving at the fastest pace” and they continue rolling around in the dirt and the mud, presumably until it’s time to go meet Raven’s parents. They talk a little about Raven’s dad and his cancer and how she’s only ever brought one other guy home. I’m happy to see that a shower and a brush seem to have solved her hair issues, cause she looks pretty. Once they go in, she finds out that “daddy” is in remission and cancer-free and it’s a nice moment. She talks to her mom about Nick and says that he’s the kind of man she would want to marry. Mama Raven wants her to “put her heart out there.” Meanwhile, Nick talks to Daddy Raven and I can’t help but notice how smug Nick always looks when he’s trying to look sincere. He then asks Raven’s dad for permission to propose to her should they get to the end, to which Dad says, “I didn’t expect to like you- but you’re a likable guy” which I’m guessing means yes. Raven wants to tell Nick she loves him, but in the end, she chickens out and says something along the lines of “So…um…I should tell you…that…there’s no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this.” I’m not even sure what that means and I doubt Nick knows either, but he leaves and she wishes she would have told him she loved him.

Continue reading Welcome to My House- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 8

It’s Not You, It’s Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 7

“Come on let it go, just let it be. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me. Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me…” James Bay, Let it Go

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s bachelor recap. Before we even get into the episode, let’s just take a minute to talk about some big news- ABC has officially announced that my personal favorite, one miss Rachel Lindsay, is going to be the new bachelorette. This is great news for several reasons- #1) Rachel is cool and smart and funny and will be an excellent lead for the next season #2) she is the first African American bachelorette and #3) we know she doesn’t end up with Nick, who she is way too good for anyway. I’m curious as to why they announced it before the season is even over (she’s currently still in the running to get Nick’s final rose) but I have a suspicion it was an attempt to deflect from the notion that the show isn’t diverse (it really hasn’t been so far) and also maybe to atone for the poor choice of giving Nick a fourth go-round on this latest train wreck of a season. Whatever the reason, I applaud their choice and am excited to watch a whole season of Rachel. So, with that, let’s get into the episode, shall we?

We open with Nick crying (what else is new?) and I wonder if there has ever been a bachelor who has shed so many tears. The only one that comes to mind who could potentially rival the waterworks of Nick is that weenie Jake Pavelka, and I don’t even think he came close. We are still in St. Thomas, and the ladies discuss their feelings about Nick dropping the bomb that he might not be able to continue. Nick sits alone at the beach and along comes CH. “I heard you had a rough day yesterday,” CH says to Nick, and Nick agrees that he’s been second-guessing all of his thoughts and decisions. CH asks Nick if he’s ready to throw in the towel and without answering, Nick goes to the hotel to talk to the women. He apologizes for the previous night and I can’t help but notice that Raven’s lash extensions look as busted as Corinne’s fake hair.  Nick continues talking and yada, yada, yada (spoiler alert) it turns out Nick CAN continue to be the Bachelor. That was a lot of build up for something so anti-climactic, as I’m sure sex with Nick would be. Anyway, he decides to cancel the rose ceremony and bring all of the remaining ladies to Bimini. (The producers then show us a map, so geography dumb-dumbs like me have some clue of where it is. Bahamas, maybe? I wasn’t really paying attention and I didn’t want to rewind.) Continue reading It’s Not You, It’s Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 7

Cleaning House- A Bachelor Recap For Nick’s Season, Episode 6

“It’s me that ought to be moving on. You’re not adorable. I was something unignorable. I ain’t freakin’, I ain’t faking this. Shut up and let me go, hey!” The Ting-Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go.

Hello everyone. Welcome to week six, when Nick pulled out all the stops and sent a ton of girls home- some we expected (who was Whitney, again, and why did she keep making it through so many rose ceremonies without so much as opening her mouth?) while others were more surprising. But before we get into all that, we have to wade through the awkwardness of Taylor barging back in on Nick and Corinne’s date to say exactly the same thing she was said just before she was sent home. So since this glass of rosé isn’t going to drink itself, let’s get to it, shall we?

We open on the girls at the hotel trying to decipher who will be making it home from the two-on-one date. Once they see that Taylor will be the one leaving, they seem less than thrilled. I mean, I get it. She is the lesser of two evils, but she’s still very obnoxious. Back at the date, Taylor is pissed. She’s convinced she only got sent home because Corinne lied to Nick about her. Sorry, sweetheart, but you really got sent home because Nick wants to get into Corinne’s pants more than yours. She rolls up on Corinne and Nick like a serial killer and I notice that the swamp air is doing Corinne’s extensions no favors, neither hair nor eyelashes. Where is Raquel (or a good beauty expert) when you need her? Taylor sounds legitimately crazy as she says, “Corinne, you lied today! Nick, can I talk to you?” He looks like he would rather be doing literally anything else but rehashing this with Taylor, but for some reason he obliges and they go outside. Corinne continues chugging what seems to be a tall water glass filled with champagne and shrugs her shoulders like the brat she is. She wants us to know she’s not worried at all. And also, she’s very, very drunk. Taylor tells Nick that she cares about him but he’s making a mistake. Let it go, girl. How many times do you need to have this same conversation? Meanwhile, Corinne’s glass seems to be constantly and magically full, no matter how many sips she takes, and I wonder what poor PA’s job it is to make that happen. These are the unsung heroes, guys, and they do a hell of a lot more to keep us entertained than CH does. Think about it- if we didn’t get to see drunk Corinne, what would we be watching? I can tell you what- sleeping Corinne. Those are the only two Corinnes available to us on this show and I prefer hammered Corinne any day of the week. Anyway, Taylor drones on and on and Nick basically gives her a “thanks, but no thanks” kind of goodbye. He sends her on her merry way, toot sweet, so he can try to go make out with Corinne before she passes out. Taylor, in turn, uses her parting words in her limo exit to talk about- you guessed it- Corinne. In the words of Mariah, “why you so obsessed with me?” And Corinne, in a final moment of glory, wearing a skirt so short that it’s basically a belt, leaves us with this gem: “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Wait, what? Drunk Corinne is truly just the gift that keeps on giving. Continue reading Cleaning House- A Bachelor Recap For Nick’s Season, Episode 6

Catfight- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 5

“You need to give it up, had about enough. It’s not hard to see the boy is mine. I’m sorry that you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. The boy is mine.” Brandy and Monica, The Boy is Mine

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s Bachelor recap. I’m not going to lie to you- it is not yet February 1st, but I did watch this episode with a crisp glass (or three) of sauvignon blanc. My “sober January” served its intended purpose and I made it through most of the month, but I hosted a birthday party for 25 four-year-olds the day before, and that shizz isn’t for the faint of heart, so I rewarded myself with some wine. That said, I found this episode infinitely more enjoyable, and I’m not sure if it was the delicious vino, the inclusion of more Rachel than we’ve seen in previous episodes, or the “meeting of the minds” between Corinne and Taylor.  (We get it, Taylor. You have a master’s degree. But attempting to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person does you no favors in the “emotional intelligence” department either.) We have so much to cover from last night (though calling it “the most anticipated showdown of the year” in the current political climate might be overselling it, Chris Harrison. Calm down and wait until it’s your turn to remind us it’s the last rose tonight. Know your place!), so without further ado, let’s unpack this train wreck of an episode.

We open where we left off last week, with Taylor and Corinne arguing. Rachel has the right idea, as usual. (Can you tell she’s my favorite?) She thinks they should be more focused on their respective relationships with Nick than any of the other women in the house. But instead, they debate the semantics of “emotional intelligence” and so help me, if I never hear that phrase again, it will be too soon. I’m guessing Taylor heard it in one of her psych classes and just wanted to prove she’s a “mental health counselor.”  Corinne seems a little tipsy and calls Taylor a bitch. She tells her a lot of the other girls agree and then they cut to a shot of some of the other girls, and all I can think is how badly they need a lash extension tech to come in and give some fills cause some of these ladies’ lashes are looking rough. Taylor retorts that she doesn’t feel the need to be liked by anyone, and Corinne says Taylor has a “stank face,” whatever that means. (These girls are young- I can’t be expected to know all the lingo.) I’m just in awe that I’m watching two pretty girls- aged 23 and 24- fight over a guy who is pushing 40 whose only discernible job is perennial reality show contestant. It’s tough stuff. But I have to say, Corinne is looking fresh as a freakin’ daisy considering how hammered she seems. I wonder if she can do a beauty tutorial on what kind of primer/foundation she uses… But I digress. Continue reading Catfight- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 5

Who Says You Can’t Go Home- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 4

“Times have changed and times are strange.
Here I come, but I ain’t the same.
Mama, I’m coming home” Ozzy Osbourne, Mama I’m Coming Home

Hello all. Welcome to week 4, where it seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same in Bachelor Nick’s world, metaphorically and literally. This week, we were treated to an early hometown, with all fifteen of the remaining women heading to the suburb of Milwaukee (Waukesha, Wisconsin) where Nick grew up. But before we get into that, there is a bit of ground to cover while we wrap up last week’s pool party (with the infamous sexy bounce house) and the rose ceremony that follows. And there is also the amazing GoFundMe that someone set up for Corinne’s nanny that’s worth a google search if you haven’t yet seen it. (#freeraquel) So let’s get to it, shall we? (And let’s all “cheers” to the fact that this is the last one of these I will watch sober.)

We pick up right where we left off last week, in the throes of the pool party that “Nick” opted to have instead of a cocktail party. (I still laugh every week when they try to pass it off as Nick making any of the decisions when we all clearly know the producers mastermind all of it.) Everyone is pretty pissed that Corinne made a big show of straddling Nick in the bounce house and then flounced off to go to sleep- again. Jasmine wants to confront him about it but Vanessa has already beat her to it.  We are treated to more of her “do you want a wife or just someone to f*%$ around with” speech, with her telling Nick that if he’s looking for a sexual thing, she has no problem giving him back the rose he gave her on their one-on-one. Nick seems super uncomfortable and again, I agree with him on this one. They aren’t even down to single digits as far as the ladies go. It’s a bit early for her to be giving ultimatums. But Nick agrees that he needs to listen to what she’s saying because he cares what she thinks of his actions and behaviors. I’m calling it now- she will be in the top three at the very least, if not the winner. Continue reading Who Says You Can’t Go Home- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 4

Pour Some Sugar on Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 3

“My mind is tellin’ me no but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yes.
Baby, I don’t want to hurt nobody but there is something that I must confess (to you).  I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.”- R Kelly, Bump and Grind
Hello everyone. Welcome to week 3, when things really start to heat up at the bachelor mansion. Sadly, again, I type with a wine glass full of sparkling water and a heart that longs for a cold, frosty glass of a buttery chardonnay. Or maybe a nice, full-bodied cabernet or perhaps a bubbly glass of sparkling rosé. And if simply recapping the show without any libations is tough, you can imagine what it’s like to watch it during Sober January. But my wine withdrawals aren’t why we’re here, so let’s get to the episode, shall we?
First, we pick up a bit later than where we left off last week (or maybe I wasn’t paying attention), but we find out that A)Nick gave Christen the date rose (presumably because she was forced to be privy to the Liz secret before any of the other ladies were), and B) even though Nick hasn’t had a chance to spill all the tea himself, all the women in the house know about his prior dalliance with Liz, and they know she’s gone. This leads to a bit of mistrust of his motives, questions of whether he’s “here for the right reasons” and the like. I find it funny that all of these girls are so shocked that Nick- a three-time Bachelor loser-in-love and proven slut- would hook up with a girl at a wedding and bone her. Have they not watched him on this show before? Vanessa, especially, is grilling him. She wants to know if that is what he’s looking for, if he’s taking it seriously to find a wife and so on and so forth. I love Vanessa, but I don’t exactly think she’s in any position to do a DTR (define the relationship) at this point. I mean, when you come on a show like this, you know it’s a competition, you know he’s going to be dating at most 20 other girls and at least (if you make it to the finale) one other girl besides you. I mean, let’s face it- I’m surprised Liz is the only one who could say she had slept with Nick at this point. It’s truly only a matter of time before he plays hide-the-sausage with Corinne, but more on that later.
Nick enters the rose ceremony and drops this little gem regarding the Liz sitch- “We went to a wedding. Some things happened. We had sex.” So the ladies are all a little wary and want time to talk it over with Nick at the cocktail party. But Corinne has other ideas. While the other gals get dressed up in cocktail dresses, Corinne dons a trench coat and nothing else. She says she wants things to get sexual with Nick and she has a “cute, fun” surprise for him. This little surprise involves a whipped cream bikini that she asks Nick to lick off for her, and he happily obliges, a mere few feet from some of the other women. Things seem to be getting hot and heavy and then Nick grows a conscience suddenly and decides things should slow down a little. Just then, Jasmine interrupts them and Corinne goes off to cry about how the conversation was “so bad for the relationship” and she whines that she wants to go home. It’s clear this girl isn’t used to being told no, though I don’t think we needed this scene to tell us that.

Continue reading Pour Some Sugar on Me- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 3

Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don’t cha.” The Pussycat Dolls, Don’tcha

Hello, all, and welcome to yet another (sober) recap of my favorite guilty pleasure.  Even without the added benefit of a solid wine buzz, this week’s episode didn’t disappoint, thanks to the machinations of Princess Corinne, who even without her nanny, seems to have no trouble making sure she is never without a cocktail in hand. I called it in episode one that she would be this season’s villain (it didn’t take a genius to determine that, in fairness) and she is living up to the expectations. So without further ado, let’s get into it.

This week opens with the ladies waiting on a date card, and just like that, CH shows up, date card in hand, to make these ladies’ dreams come true. He tells them that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and warns them that there will be some girls who don’t get dates at all this week, due to the sheer volume of women left. (22, but who- besides Nick, of course- is counting?) Anyway, he leaves the date card and goes to do whatever it is that CH does for the many hours he isn’t on camera, and the women eagerly await the fate of the date card. The names on the first group date card are Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. The card says, “Always a bridesmaid.” Obviously, they are going to be doing something wedding-inspired, and who better to do it with than the guy who planned on proposing two prior times on this show and got shot down? What could possibly go wrong? Continue reading Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1

“I’m a three time loser. Caught it up in Monterey, shook it up in East Virginia. Now my friends say it’s here to stay.” Rod Stewart, Three Time Loser

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of my Bachelor recap. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I had planned on trying to recap Vanderpump Rules this season, until I realized that nothing is happening on that show at all this year, and, well- it blows. (Sorry die-hard Pump Rules fans, but Katie does not a leading lady make, I don’t care how many tea towels she sends out to save-the-date.) Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on episode one, the most pressing of which is that watching The Bachelor without wine, quite frankly, SUCKS. (That’s what I get for committing to “sober January” again.) But seriously, without wine to make their lame jokes seem funny and to numb how stupid the whole thing really is, you’re just soberly watching a bunch of people pretend to be in love with someone they’ve known for roughly five minutes. That said, I will still watch and diligently take notes, but I will be counting down the days until my glass is full of a crisp rosé once again. But enough about me- let’s get to it, shall we?

First, I have some thoughts on Nick in general. On Andi’s season, I didn’t like him at all. On Kaitlyn’s, I liked him even less. And then on BIP, I found him at worst tolerable and at best, even kind of cool and sweet. And he also looks way better to me; I think he’s gotten a stylist, he’s clearly been hitting the gym and the beard is a major improvement, which begs the question- are beards to men what makeup is to women? I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult to say, “I like your face much better when it’s covered up by all that hair,” but whatever. I’m not trying to date him. However, after three failed attempts to find love on this franchise, does anyone even still care (assuming they once did) whether or not he finds it? Time will tell, I guess. Anyway, the beginning of this episode gave us all the same stuff they always do at the start of a season- Nick with his family (along with the requisite cute tween sister giving him advice), the awkward roundtable of Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins giving Nick “advice,” which to me seemed a little unnecessary. I mean, if anyone knows how this show works, it’s Nick. It’s not his first (or second, or third) rodeo, boys. He knows the drill. But they joke about how “the fourth time’s the charm” (that’s not a thing) and don’t hesitate to tell him that a lot of people don’t like him. I can’t help but notice that farm living has caused bachelor Chris to put on a few lbs, but that’s because I am a true garbage person. But again, enough about me. Continue reading The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1

The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap

“So, Sally can wait. She knows it’s too late as she’s walking on by. My soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger, I heard you say.” Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger

So Paradise has come to a close, and I know what you all are thinking- thank God we don’t have to watch that stupid intro ever again. If I have to watch Evan seductively eating a banana one more time, I’m going to hunt down his erectile dysfunction clinic and burn it to the ground whilst I choke him with said banana. But my disdain for Evan and the lame intro of the show isn’t what we are here for, so let’s get to the finale, shall we?

Before we get to the meat of the episode and tackle some of the finer points, I want to say that I found the finale (particularly part two) to be a giant snooze, for two reasons. Number one- putting the remaining couples in “fantasy suites” and having them attend private “final rose ceremonies” is basically just like the finale of The Bachelor/Bachelorette and I’ve always HATED the finale. It’s so predictable. Only a few times have we ever been truly surprised (Brad Womack rejecting both women on his first go-round, Jason Mesnick choosing Melissa and then switching back to Molly on ATFR, for example) but pretty much every other time, the Bachelor/Ette chooses exactly who we think they will. And I don’t know about you, but that “finding love” crap isn’t why I watch BIP (or why I watch Bachelor/Bachelorette, if I’m being honest.) It’s all the other drama that goes down with the people who don’t find love. Give me Ashley I. crying nonstop and stalking Jared incessantly, give me crazy Chad getting wasted and threatening to murder people, give me hook-ups, gossip, drama. The other reason I found the finale so boring was that we already knew who was going to get engaged and who was going to “go home broken-hearted.” They already announced that Nick is the new bachelor, so he wasn’t getting engaged, and the other three couples were confirmed as still being together and/or engaged pretty much when the show started by The Daily Mail (what I like to call my “paper of record” because I am a garbage person and that’s where I get all my news) and a few other sites. Anyway, I watched the whole episode (obviously) and I have a few thoughts-first and foremost, I think they should go back to the Bachelor Pad format, because that show was drenched in tequila, sex and highly unstable personalities- literally everything I want from my reality TV.  Other than that, there weren’t many take-aways from this sleeper of a finale.

We open with Nick in a pair of pink shorts so tight that you can see all of his business, and as I stare at him in these plum-smugglers, I can understand a little more how he made it to the top two in his two previous go-rounds on this franchise. I wouldn’t have expected it, but Nick V. looks like he’s packin’ some heat. He and Jen both say they need time together to see if they have a shot at anything real and just then, a new girl arrives. It’s Tiara, the “chicken enthusiast” from Ben’s season (who later enthusiastically rips into a plate of chicken wings, ironically. Maybe she thinks they come from some other animal?) and of course, she has a date card. Nick goes to talk to her and long story short, he convinces her to give him and Jen her date card. They go on a boring carnival date, where they see a fortune teller who pretty much says they shouldn’t be together. At the end of the date, Nick says he’s scared of letting her break down his walls but that he feels closer to her. Jen seems satisfied with that. Sorry, sweetie, but unless you want to fight 25 other girls for him next season, this isn’t looking good for you two. Oh well. She’s young and very pretty (if kind of light on personality) and I’m sure she will be just fine. Continue reading The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap