Catfight- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 5

“You need to give it up, had about enough. It’s not hard to see the boy is mine. I’m sorry that you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. The boy is mine.” Brandy and Monica, The Boy is Mine

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s Bachelor recap. I’m not going to lie to you- it is not yet February 1st, but I did watch this episode with a crisp glass (or three) of sauvignon blanc. My “sober January” served its intended purpose and I made it through most of the month, but I hosted a birthday party for 25 four-year-olds the day before, and that shizz isn’t for the faint of heart, so I rewarded myself with some wine. That said, I found this episode infinitely more enjoyable, and I’m not sure if it was the delicious vino, the inclusion of more Rachel than we’ve seen in previous episodes, or the “meeting of the minds” between Corinne and Taylor.  (We get it, Taylor. You have a master’s degree. But attempting to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person does you no favors in the “emotional intelligence” department either.) We have so much to cover from last night (though calling it “the most anticipated showdown of the year” in the current political climate might be overselling it, Chris Harrison. Calm down and wait until it’s your turn to remind us it’s the last rose tonight. Know your place!), so without further ado, let’s unpack this train wreck of an episode.

We open where we left off last week, with Taylor and Corinne arguing. Rachel has the right idea, as usual. (Can you tell she’s my favorite?) She thinks they should be more focused on their respective relationships with Nick than any of the other women in the house. But instead, they debate the semantics of “emotional intelligence” and so help me, if I never hear that phrase again, it will be too soon. I’m guessing Taylor heard it in one of her psych classes and just wanted to prove she’s a “mental health counselor.”  Corinne seems a little tipsy and calls Taylor a bitch. She tells her a lot of the other girls agree and then they cut to a shot of some of the other girls, and all I can think is how badly they need a lash extension tech to come in and give some fills cause some of these ladies’ lashes are looking rough. Taylor retorts that she doesn’t feel the need to be liked by anyone, and Corinne says Taylor has a “stank face,” whatever that means. (These girls are young- I can’t be expected to know all the lingo.) I’m just in awe that I’m watching two pretty girls- aged 23 and 24- fight over a guy who is pushing 40 whose only discernible job is perennial reality show contestant. It’s tough stuff. But I have to say, Corinne is looking fresh as a freakin’ daisy considering how hammered she seems. I wonder if she can do a beauty tutorial on what kind of primer/foundation she uses… But I digress.

After the fight, Corinne pulls Nick aside to complain about Taylor. She pretty much rats her out for not being friendly to the other girls, but then takes it one too far by calling Taylor “entitled,” which is a tough pill to swallow coming from a girl in her 20s who still needs someone to cut up her cucumber slices and do her laundry. Meanwhile, Taylor is venting to Astrid and Danielle M, while Nick and Corinne have moved on from Taylor talk to make out time. CH pulls Nick aside to “chat” before the roses are given out, and my only thought is, is Nick that tall or is CH that short? Nothing very interesting comes out of this exchange. Just before the rose ceremony, Nick gives a little speech that makes Corinne think she’s gotten rid of Taylor for good. “I am the QUEEN!” she shouts, and I have to say, Corinne is kind of growing on me. The rose ceremony begins, and Kristina, Danielle L and Raven already have roses. The rest of the roses go as follows:

  1. Whitney (who?)
  2. Danielle M
  3. Jasmine
  4. Rachel
  5. Jaimi
  6. Josephine
  7. Vanessa
  8. Alexis
  9. Corinne
  10. Taylor

They all pretend to be shocked, but seriously, did anyone really think the producers were going to break up this drama so soon? Sarah and Astrid are sent home, and I feel bad for Sarah, who seems so sweet and breaks down about how she can’t seem to find love. Astrid peaces out without so much as a parting word. That plastic surgery office isn’t going to run itself guys- she has boob jobs and rhinoplasties to schedule. Good on her, though- most of these girls are too good for this show (and Nick, if we’re being honest) and leaving without saying a word is probably for the best. The remaining girls find out they are leaving for New Orleans. Great- because that’s exactly what Corinne and Taylor need- more boozy days combined with humidity and swamp hair. “Come at me!” Corinne shouts, regarding Taylor. I think she’s super drunk. I kind of love her tonight.

Suddenly, we are presented with the swamps of New Orleans and alligators or crocodiles or whatever lives in the swamps of NOLA and I’m instantly afraid. Once they arrive, the girls walk around, dance to street music and inexplicably try on random masks. They then go to check into their hotel and I’m expecting it to be some authentic New Orleans-type hotel and it’s a… JW Marriott. How charming.  Rachel is saying how she really wants a one-on-one date. So does Corinne, but what else is new? CH arrives to give a geography lesson- “We are in New Orleans!”- and he announces the date line-up for the week: A one-on-one, a group date and a (wait for it) two-on-one. (Does it really take a genius to see who is going to be going on that date?) CH gives them the date card and it says “Where have you beignet all my life?” (It was at this point that I had to google “beignet” which is apparently a French deep-fried pastry, for those of you as clueless as I was.) Rachel is given the one-on-one and she’s super excited, though I still think she can do better than Nick. Taylor is acting like a super-brat about it, as per usual. Rachel and Nick meet up for the date and make out almost immediately. They go to a weird flea market and try on alligator heads, then they eat oysters. Rachel says she wants their aphrodisiac effect to kick in and then they eat something else with hot sauce, and then the aforementioned beignets. It’s a very weird combo of food they are ingesting on this date and it’s making me kind of nauseous. And also, Rachel is too cute for Nick. They listen to some music and dance and she says she had no idea Nick had “swag” like that and again, I beg to differ. The other ladies are spying on them from the window and whining while day drinking. Nick and Rachel go to see some live music (maybe called Lolo, but again, the “artists” featured on this show aren’t people I have ever heard of) and Rachel says it’s the most fun she’s ever had on a date. The music sucks but they do a lot of making out whilst they listen. After the “concert” they head to a strange Mardi Gras float warehouse that, quite frankly, is kind of creepy. They have “dinner” (which of course means only copious amounts of drinks)  and Nick tells Rachel that she’s surpassed all of his expectations. Well, duh. She’s much cooler than you are Nick. If not for this reality show, you could never get a Rachel in a million years. Rachel tells him that she was in New Orleans earlier in the year for a funeral and it made her rethink a lot about her life. They talk family- her dad is a judge and super-intimidating- and Nick says he’s nervous to meet any dads because he’s already asked two separate fathers for their daughter’s hands in marriage and should he do it again, he doesn’t want it to be diminished and seem like it’s any less serious. Rachel tells Nick she has strong feelings for him and he says (even at the risk of “breaking any rules”) that he’s really into her. They kiss and he gives her the date rose. Rachel calls it a fairy tale and I’m happy that she’s happy, but girl, you are so far above this show.

Back at the hotel, another date card arrives for Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. It says “Till death do us part.” And it also means that (as expected) Taylor and Corinne are going on the two-on-one date. The ladies arrive at a big house and Nick tells them it’s haunted. That’s a big hell no for me. I would leave this date immediately. This also begs the question- has ABC already blown through their budget for the whole season and is now reduced to planning dates that take place at smelly dairy farms and creepy haunted houses? I can’t recall a season where the dates sucked so hard. Some weirdo caretaker shows up and tells them that the primary ghost in the house is a little girl who died at eight years old of yellow fever. Apparently May (said ghost) spends her time looking for her favorite doll and REALLY doesn’t like people going through her shit. There are scary dolls all over the place and the paintings are super creepy. Some of the girls believe in it, others aren’t buying it. Eventually someone pulls out a Ouija board and they start playing around with it. Vanessa flat-out refuses to participate and I can’t say I blame her. Messing around with that in a place that is supposed to be haunted is just poking the bear, whether you believe in it or not. The lights go out and everyone gets a little freaked. This date is weird. And boring. But some of the toys start rocking and chairs start moving and a lot of people are a bit unsettled. Nick is all up on Danielle L and says “absence makes the heart grow stronger.” No, Nick. That’s not the phrase. Jasmine is blaming herself for the paranormal shitstorm cause she tried on a hat. I need this date to be over. Nick steals Danielle M and says that he likes her but their relationship is slow-going. I really like her hair and she’s sweet, but I’m now of the opinion that she is boring. And their kissing is really loud. He then has some alone time with Raven and she is growing on me. But all of a sudden, she tells him she’s in love with him. Woah. That’s fast, Raven. He kind of just breezes over it and eventually gives the group date rose to Danielle M. Not looking great for Raven right now.

Back at the hotel, Corinne is giving herself a mud mask and chugging a bottle of champagne. She orders a shit-ton of room service and I’m so happy to see that she finally got herself some cheese pasta in Raquel’s absence. Taylor, on the other hand, is meditating with essential oils, the way any “emotionally intelligent” “mental health counselor” would. Corinne, meanwhile, is giving a testimonial saying, “I am intelligent in my own way. I’m people smart.” Rachel tries to give both girls a pep talk for their two-on-one and Corinne’s hair extensions get rattier as the episodes go on. Their date card says “Meet me in the Bayou” and I’m more convinced than ever that ABC was given the smallest budget in franchise history, likely because nobody is buying that Nick is going to be successful in love on his fourth go-round. The limo ride to the date is uncomfortable and awkward and Corinne says she’s “more colorful” than Taylor, followed by “Make America Corinne again!” They show up in the bayou and Nick says “Let’s have some fun.” Not a chance, buddy. This is going to be nothing but painful for everyone involved. Taylor calls Corinne a “manipulative bitch” and Corinne says Taylor will never be Nick’s wife. And let’s not forget that all of this is going down in the jungle, and things are flying in and out of Corinne’s increasingly ratchet hair extensions. They “happen upon” some voodoo priestesses and they discuss voodoo dolls and get introduced to a reader, who reads their tarot cards. Corinne and Nick leave so that Taylor can get a reading and the lady says she feels a lot of tension. I don’t think it takes a psychic to pick up on that, lady. She also says someone around her has toxic energy and to not engage. Meanwhile, Corinne tells Nick that Taylor called her stupid. Nick buys everything Corinne says, hook, line and sinker. He just wants to bone her and doesn’t care how idiotic everything coming out of her mouth sounds. When Taylor and Nick get some alone time, he asks about her “bullying” Corinne. Corinne asks the reader about voodoo dolls and wants to know how to make one that’s specific to a person. Taylor and Corinne bicker like school children and Corinne “literally. can’t. even.” Again. Soon after, Nick returns to give the rose to Corinne. Taylor leaves grudgingly, and Nick and Corinne board some sort of motorized pontoon and leave Taylor in the swamp. And now Taylor literally can’t even. It seems that she wants to enlist in the dark arts to dispose of Corinne. I’m confused by this entire date. Nick and Corinne go to “dinner” and she is ecstatic. It looks like she has an entire water glass filled with champagne and just when they really start getting into their date, Taylor is back. And of course, it’s To Be Continued.

The previews from next week don’t give us much to go on, but it looks like a lot of tears, most of them Nick’s. I’m curious to see what Taylor could possibly have to say to Nick and Corinne after her dismissal.  I imagine it’s something to do with emotional intelligence. And I’m really curious to see how much more budget we can get with the group dates. Next week, maybe we will take a trip to the DMV to renew Nick’s license or to an all-you-can-eat soup, salad and breadsticks buffet at the Olive Garden.  Beyond that, I don’t have much to say. I am certain Corinne isn’t going anywhere, at least for the time being. I really want Rachel as the next bachelorette and I am digging Alexis and her weird (and totally understandable) fear of Nicolas Cage. I’m also really, really happy to be typing this with a glass of wine, and look forward to doing that again next week. See you all then.

 

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RhonicaPetty

Mama. Wife. Writer. Yogi. Wino. Book lover. Bad reality tv expert. Cheese enthusiast. Jack of all trades, master of none

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