“It’s me that ought to be moving on. You’re not adorable. I was something unignorable. I ain’t freakin’, I ain’t faking this. Shut up and let me go, hey!” The Ting-Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go.
Hello everyone. Welcome to week six, when Nick pulled out all the stops and sent a ton of girls home- some we expected (who was Whitney, again, and why did she keep making it through so many rose ceremonies without so much as opening her mouth?) while others were more surprising. But before we get into all that, we have to wade through the awkwardness of Taylor barging back in on Nick and Corinne’s date to say exactly the same thing she was said just before she was sent home. So since this glass of rosé isn’t going to drink itself, let’s get to it, shall we?
We open on the girls at the hotel trying to decipher who will be making it home from the two-on-one date. Once they see that Taylor will be the one leaving, they seem less than thrilled. I mean, I get it. She is the lesser of two evils, but she’s still very obnoxious. Back at the date, Taylor is pissed. She’s convinced she only got sent home because Corinne lied to Nick about her. Sorry, sweetheart, but you really got sent home because Nick wants to get into Corinne’s pants more than yours. She rolls up on Corinne and Nick like a serial killer and I notice that the swamp air is doing Corinne’s extensions no favors, neither hair nor eyelashes. Where is Raquel (or a good beauty expert) when you need her? Taylor sounds legitimately crazy as she says, “Corinne, you lied today! Nick, can I talk to you?” He looks like he would rather be doing literally anything else but rehashing this with Taylor, but for some reason he obliges and they go outside. Corinne continues chugging what seems to be a tall water glass filled with champagne and shrugs her shoulders like the brat she is. She wants us to know she’s not worried at all. And also, she’s very, very drunk. Taylor tells Nick that she cares about him but he’s making a mistake. Let it go, girl. How many times do you need to have this same conversation? Meanwhile, Corinne’s glass seems to be constantly and magically full, no matter how many sips she takes, and I wonder what poor PA’s job it is to make that happen. These are the unsung heroes, guys, and they do a hell of a lot more to keep us entertained than CH does. Think about it- if we didn’t get to see drunk Corinne, what would we be watching? I can tell you what- sleeping Corinne. Those are the only two Corinnes available to us on this show and I prefer hammered Corinne any day of the week. Anyway, Taylor drones on and on and Nick basically gives her a “thanks, but no thanks” kind of goodbye. He sends her on her merry way, toot sweet, so he can try to go make out with Corinne before she passes out. Taylor, in turn, uses her parting words in her limo exit to talk about- you guessed it- Corinne. In the words of Mariah, “why you so obsessed with me?” And Corinne, in a final moment of glory, wearing a skirt so short that it’s basically a belt, leaves us with this gem: “What I learned tonight is that cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Wait, what? Drunk Corinne is truly just the gift that keeps on giving.
Next, we head into the rose ceremony, which is being held at some creepy old mansion. Why are the NOLA dates so scary? Corinne, Danielle M and Rachel already have roses. Nobody else feels very confident about whether or not they’ll be getting one, and then CH pops in with some bad news- Nick has canceled the cocktail party because he knows what he wants to do. Corinne cradles her rose and chugs her champs, as usual. The roses go as follows:
- Danielle L
- Whitney (I still have no idea who she is and we are on week 6)
Alexis, Jaimi and Josephine are sent home. Young Kim Zolciak (Josephine) makes away like a thief in the night with nary a parting word for the camera. Jaimi says Nick obviously wasn’t the right person for her, and yet, she still cries. Alexis seems sad and I am definitely going to miss her more than I would have expected from episode one. I do have to say, however, that Whitney is definitely getting by on her good looks because I have yet to see her have one actual interaction with Nick. And this says a lot more about Nick than it does about her, by the way. Anyway, they find out they are going to St Thomas and they are all justifiably thrilled, for once. That’s more like it, ABC. At least make it look like you’re trying here and let’s move on from these hideously budget-ass dates.
They arrive in St Thomas and it’s beautiful, but Nick in a tank top and short shorts isn’t doing much to enhance the view. He says he hopes this is the week he starts to fall in love. Well, I should hope so, since we are kind of getting down to the wire here. Nick tells the girls that he is there for a one-on-one date and whisks Kristina away with him. I’m hoping someone has had the foresight to subtitle this date because I have the hardest time understanding her when she speaks. It’s not the accent, per se (though it doesn’t help), but she speaks very quietly and kind of mumbles, too, so half the time I have to rewind to pick up on what she’s saying. Meanwhile, Jasmine is angry that she didn’t get the one-on-one and admits that she is starting to get frustrated with the process. Nick and Kristina drink beers and have a little getting-to-know you chit-chat, or at least that’s what Nick thinks is happening. And then suddenly, Kristina tells this heartbreaking story about her horrible childhood, her years spent in an orphanage and her subsequent adoption at 12 years old by an american family. It’s tough stuff. She was born in Russia, very poor, to a mean mom who wasn’t really around and had a rule that she wasn’t allowed to eat all day (what in the actual eff?) and one day, her mom came home and asked if she had broken that rule and when a 5-year-old (5?!?! That’s basically a baby) Kristina admitted she had eaten, it was out of the house and off to the orphanage she went. I seriously needed a minute (and a big glass of wine) after hearing this story because it was heartbreaking. She spent the next 6 or 7 years in an orphanage and struggled with her decision to be adopted by a family because it meant leaving Russia and all the kids she grew up with in the orphanage as family (including her bio sister, who still lives in Russia today), but she realized that she wanted a better life, so she came to America and left everything and everyone she knew. Holy shit. As I watched this, I could tell Nick was struggling to process it all, and I get it. It’s a lot. And even though they have like zero chemistry, he gave her the rose, because how do you not after that? And I refilled my wine glass in hopes that I wouldn’t have nightmares about poor little Kristina who had to eat lipstick because she was hungry and her evil bitch mom who threw her out because she ate food. And for once, I’m not being snarky or sarcastic- that shit tore me up, probably because I have a kid who isn’t that much younger than she was, and I spend all day of every day making sure he eats a well-balanced diet, gets enough exercise, doesn’t have too much screen time, devotes enough time to learning activities and always knows he’s loved. Seriously, her story was terribly tragic. So from this point on, I will never say anything bad about her because that poor girl has been through enough. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Back at the house, Vanessa attempts to give a history/geography lesson that nobody listens to and Corinne, exhausted from “getting rid of Taylor” says she just wants to drink champagne in bed. What else is new, Corinne? A woman named Lorna arrives to help the girls out with anything they need- a sort of personal housekeeper/concierge. Nobody else seems to want to take advantage of her services, but Corinne is delighted and calls her the “St Thomas version of Raquel.” Forget what I said about kind of liking her last week- she’s the actual worst, especially juxtaposed against the story we just heard from Kristina. Fluff your own pillows and get your own drinks, Princess Corinne. Lorna is off the clock. A date card arrives for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M and Jasmine. Jasmine is pissed that it’s another group date for her and Danielle L and Whitney are confused about what the hell they did to be forced into the dreaded two-on-one. The group date card says “Life’s a Beach” and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what kind of date it’s going to be. They arrive at the beach to meet up with Nick and we see that he’s really sticking with the tank top and bright shorts combo. They take a catamaran to a private beach to spend the day drinking, hanging out and playing volleyball, though it seems that all of the girls would rather do almost anything else but take part in this game. Raven makes me laugh when she says, “I’m sure Corinne would be an amazing volleyball player…if she wasn’t drunk.” Raven isn’t wrong- she’s wasted and at this point her extensions have gotten so ratty that the only course of action is just to cut them out and start over. Corinne is, as always, making all the girls mad by commanding all the attention. Even Rachel, who is usually so level-headed and chill, is over it and looks like she’s about five seconds from boarding that catamaran and heading back to Dallas. Vanessa is staying true to form and whining and acting like she’s about to lay down the law to Nick. Seems like a super-fun date. Corinne is, of course, asleep. After the volleyball game from hell, they go for drinks and at least Nick has enough respect to put on a button-up and some very tight jeans. He and Rachel go to talk first and she pretty much tells him that she is close to wanting to throw in the towel and go home. He talks her out of it and I’m glad- not for him, mind you, but for all of us, who need a shining beacon like Rachel in this hot mess of a group. Then he talks to Vanessa and their body language confirms what I’ve thought for a while- she will be his final pick. Jasmine just keeps getting drunker and bitching to the other girls about feeling invisible. When Jasmine finally gets some time with Nick, she thinks it’s a really good idea to scream, in his face, “DON’T YOU DARE OVERLOOK ME!!!!” I am reminded of a similar line in Fatal Attraction (I know, I’m old) which I believe is “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!” and I seriously hope Nick doesn’t have a pet bunny. Nick is not responding well to her ranting and I assume, about a minute into the conversation, that he’s going to send her packing. And she does herself no favors by mentioning- more than once- that she wants to choke him and then trying to turn it into a sexual innuendo. Soon after, it’s hello get-away sedan, population Jasmine. Her parting words are some incoherent ramblings about him not giving her a chance and some tears. And Raven gets the group date rose, though I’m not sure if we actually see this, or someone mentions it later. (I had some wine. Don’t judge me. Did you not HEAR the Kristina story? I’m still shaken to my core.)
At this point, I’m pretty bored and don’t know if I have it in me to watch the two-on-one date. Fortunately, it’s pretty quick and I’ll cut to the chase, just like Nick did- about five minutes in, he sends Whitney home. Then he has a one-on-one with D-Lo (that’s what Vanessa called Danielle L and I’m sticking with it) and- spoiler alert- the minute she tells him she’s falling for him, he makes a terrible face and sends her home, too. Yikes. It almost makes me feel bad for her, even though she has that terribly bad put-on Kardashian-style baby voice that I loathe. He says his “heart feels differently” and I think they both cry. He walks her to the car and I wonder if they have those exit cars on stand-by or if it’s an uber-style situation they use to whisk these ladies away, never to be seen again. So many questions regarding production on this episode- that’s how boring it was. After the date, Nick goes to the hotel and cries (again) and says, “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” And again, we have a To Be Continued, but even without seeing next week’s episode, I’m pretty confident that he will, in fact, be able to “keep doing this.” Otherwise, there would be no “coming up next week” for CH to tease us with. And, oh, what a tease it is- we finally get to see Corinne mention her “platinum vagine” and her “sex skills.” So I’m assuming Nick and Corinne finally bang- good for them.
I have a few thoughts as we wrap up, and I’ll start with this: this new format of always having a TBC at the end and having a rose ceremony somewhere in the middle of the episode, if at all, is kind of bullshit. I know they’ve been doing it for a few seasons, but the old format worked fine and this new one just seems a little gratuitous. Also, I don’t disagree with Nick sending so many girls home this episode, mostly because you know a lot of people are kept around simply because the producers see good television. There is absolutely no way a guy has the same feelings for the majority of the girls by episode 5 or 6 and if they are still selling this as a show about finding love (which I think they are, even if nobody is buying it) then he should be able to get rid of, or keep, however many people he wants at any time. And finally, I’m getting a little bored. I always do at this point in the season. It’s all so formulaic. We have a villain (Corinne), a front-runner (Vanessa), a kooky wildcard (Raven) and the girl who is nearly perfect except that she’s too good for the lead (Rachel.) Beyond those four relationships, I don’t really care, and I’m quite certain Nick doesn’t either. I mean, I clearly won’t stop watching, but I’m just saying, I nearly dozed off a few times during this episode and it wasn’t (just) the wine. So I’ll see you all next week, when we are treated to at least a mention of Corinne’s 24K magic lady garden. Until then…