“Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” The Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil
Hello everyone. There is a saying that goes, “the days are long and the years are short,” and while I don’t necessarily think whoever said that had this particular franchise in mind, I do find it quite apropos, since it seems that even though it’s been a while since we’ve spoken about this show, it somehow always seems to be on. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know I just can’t seem to quit it, especially when one Miss Rachel Lindsay is handing out the roses this go-round. And while the first episode is always a bit of a slog (So. Many. Introductions), there was a bit to discuss in this premiere, so without further ado, let’s get to it.
First and foremost, I didn’t think it was possible for Rachel to get more beautiful, but with her “Bachelorette makeover” (mostly just piles of hair extensions and lashes), she has outdone herself. I am so happy to see that they didn’t give her the requisite Bachelor franchise veneers to close her tooth gap, because I find it so cute and endearing and would have been really annoyed if they had convinced her to “fix” it. She opens the show talking about how excited she is, now that she really believes in the process, and how she’s nervous to put her heart out there but she’s willing to give it a try. Guys, this may come back to be something I retract later, but I really, really like her, even through all the fake “Bachelorette” bullshit pageant contestant rhetoric. Like with every first episode, they give us some insight into some of the more “memorable” contestants, like Kenny, the pro-wrester/single dad with a 10-year-old daughter, or Jack, a lawyer from Texas whose mom died when he was a teenager (that one kind of made me tear up- I’m not going to lie) or Alex, a Detroit-based “meathead” who is actually a self-proclaimed nerd who likes to “code” in his spare time while he’s not pumping iron at the gym or barbecuing with his mom and dad who he may or may not live with- it was unclear. There was also Mohit, a tech guy/Bollywood dance enthusiast and Lucas, who was… well, how does one describe Lucas? His job description was listed as “Whaboom” and just when you want to ask yourself, “What does that mean, exactly?” do yourself a favor and don’t. It can only best be described as a full-body dry heave during which every muscle shakes and then he lets out a long, loud shriek that puts the syllables “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOM” together for some inexplicable reason. I’m genuinely concerned for Lucas’s mental health and certainly see his presence on the show as a ploy to stir up drama and some kind of ratings, as no girl would ever want to bang the Whaboom guy. Blake is a personal trainer based in Venice, California who talked a lot about sex and even more about his magical penis. I mean, I know I’ve been married for a long time, but it is my understanding that guys who have to talk so much about sex and/or their penises are compensating for something. I kind of hate him already. There is a guy named Diggy from Chicago who wasn’t clear about what he does for a living but wanted to make it known that he’s into fashion. And then there’s Josiah- an attorney from Florida who had a troubled past-brother committed suicide as a teen, he himself got in with a troubled crowd in the aftermath and was arrested before he decided to turn his life around- so of course I liked him, since I am notoriously a sucker for any tragic tale. But he also seemed WAY into Rachel, having never met her, so I may change my opinion as the season progresses if he turns out to be stalkerish.
After that, we see Rachel enter the mansion to talk to many of the ladies from last season, her “squad,” as she called them, and wouldn’t you know it, she with the platinum vah-jeen, Princess Corinne was among them. They discussed a few of the guys they liked from the ATFR intros (Eric seemed to be a fan favorite) and then tried to warn her that some of them heard that DeMario may not have the purest of intentions. And then they all cried and hugged and went on their merry way, and not a moment too soon because the whole segment seemed so forced. But I was happy to see Corinne again, though her extensions were still looking a little rough, even though she has no excuse for not maintaining them at this point. I mean, where is Raquel to run a brush through them when you need her?
At the mansion, Rachel looks gorgeous in a white dress and I noted that CH must HATE night one, because he actually has to work harder than any other night of the entire season.
She says she’s nervous and then the guys come piling in, one after the next, trying to make an impression with terrible gimmicks. Some stand-outs were Bryan, who speaks to her in Spanish and has instant chemistry with her, Peter, a “business owner” from Wisconsin who she also seems into, and DeMario, the aforementioned one who may not be “here for the right reasons.” Some entrances that fell flat were Kenny the pro wrestler with some awkward dance moves, Will who came out as Steve Urkel, Jonathan who strangely tickled her (and also had “tickle monster” listed as his occupation, which is perhaps the most creative way to say “unemployed” that I’ve ever heard of) and Adam with his creepy, creepy doll that he called “Adam Junior.” Also in the running for memorable entrances were Blake (the sex machine) who was listed as an “aspiring drummer” and showed up with a full marching band, Fred, who apparently went to elementary school with Rachel (five years her junior) and was once her summer camp ward when she was a counselor. (She called him a “bad kid.” That may be tough to recover from.) Lee brought a guitar to serenade her, cause obviously he’s a country singer from Nashville with a song in his heart for Rachel (I’m sure being on TV to further his career hadn’t even entered his mind) and Matt came in a penguin costume. Beyond that, it was pretty standard- taking a selfie with her (Milton), bringing a vacuum to say he was on the “clean up crew” (Alex) and entering in an ambulance with the lights and siren blazing to let us know he’s an EMT (Grant.) Boring. And just when you think it can’t get worse, Lucas enters in full-on Whaboom mode. And it only goes downhill from there.
Overall, the cocktail party is a little bit boring. We see DeMario and Josiah arguing over who is going to get the first impression rose (spoiler alert- neither of them do), people fighting to get one-on-one time with her, Dean awkwardly asking her to build a sandcastle with him for some reason, and Adam’s weird doll lurking creepily with a glass of champagne in his (its?) hand. Bryan the Colombian steals her away and before you know it, they are full-on making out and she’s into him. He calls himself a “chiropractic physician” and correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t chiropractors not allowed to call themselves doctors? Whatev. She’s eating it all up, and afterward, she says she hadn’t planned on kissing anyone but that she “enjoyed it.”
CH enters with the First Impression Rose. All the guys scramble for time with her, except Mohit. Poor Mohit, the Bollywood dance sensation- he cannot handle his liquor or he’s been drinking a shit-ton throughout the night cause he is falling down drunk. Get it together, Mohit! (Another spoiler alert- he does no such thing.) Whaboom walks around the house narrating with a megaphone and everyone hates him, which pretty much guarantees his presence in the house for at least four more episodes. Blake tries to “call him out” for not being (you guessed it) “here for the right reasons.” Whaboom takes off his jacket to reveal a stunning Whaboom logo on a tank top and starts juggling for some godforsaken reason. Soon, Rachel gives the first impression rose to Bryan, her makeout partner, and they play tonsil hockey a little more while Mohit creepily watches in the background. Soon after, it’s rose ceremony time and the roses go as follows:
- Peter (plaid jacket guy- Wisconsin)
- Will (Urkel)
- Jack (attorney with the dead mom)
- Jamey (called himself a guy with “perfect hair and a perfect face”)
- Iggy (nothing notable)
- Eric (?)
- DeMario (bad boy she was warned about)
- Jonathan (tickle monster)
- Bryce (firefighter I think. He is wearing a firefighter uni, so I hope so)
- Alex (vacuum cleaner dude)
- Kenny (single dad/wrestler)
- Dean (?)
- Matt (penguin suit)
- Anthony (?)
- Brady (maybe male model? Not sure)
- Josiah (lawyer)
- Lee (country singer)
- Diggy (fashionista)
- Fred (former camper)
- Adam (but important to note that she said no to the doll)
- Blake E (sex enthusiast with the marching band)
- Lucas (WHAAAAAAAAABOOM)
I wish I could remember the names of all the guys she sent home, but considering how little I actually remembered about the ones she kept, that seems like a tall order. I do know Mohit’s drunk ass was sent home (no surprise there), as well as Asian Blake, Grant the EMT and Milton, who broke down in tears, lamenting all the great outfits he brought that he would never get to wear. RIP. Nobody is happy that Lucas has remained to Whaboom another day, but I called that one from the beginning, as the producers clearly can’t let a gem like him go gentle into that good night so early in the season. They showed a few previews of what’s to come, and it looks like the men do the usual in-fighting and peacocking, everyone eventually grows to hate Lee, the Tennessee troubadour, someone appears to have a girlfriend who shows up to confront him and Rachel makes out with a lot of people. I really like her, so I’m cautiously optimistic about the season, but again, that could very well come back to bite me in the ass. So I’ll leave you with that, and I’ll see you all next week. Until then, I leave you to Whaboom right on through the holiday weekend, ladies and gentlemen. Until next week.