“There’s a little girl I know, you might know her too. She looks so good, huh, she looks so cute. Standing next to you, and I don’t know what to do. I want your girlfriend to be my, I want your girlfriend to be my, I want your girlfriend to be my girlfriend.” Reel Big Fish, I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend Too
Hello again, and welcome to my weekly Bachelorette recap. The past few episodes were all Chad, Chad and more Chad and the last episode ended with a riveting teaser in which he seemingly refused to leave the house. And while the episode didn’t entirely deliver what it promised on that front, there is still lots to talk about, so let’s get to it, shall we?
We open pretty much exactly where we left off last week- the raucous celebration back at the hotel upon hearing the news of Chad’s demise. Guys are high-fiving, clinking glasses, making up songs (ENOUGH, James Taylor. We get it- you own a guitar), and even spreading the ashes of Chad’s leftover protein powder as a funeral-style send off. Evan is more delighted than the rest of the bunch, but the overall feeling in the house seems to be one of “Ding Dong, the Meathead’s gone.” But not so fast, gentlemen. We see Chad creepily whistling to himself as he lumbers through the forest in his finest khakis and ever-present fleece. Suddenly, we hear something and James F (I think) says, “It’s Chad at the front door.” Maybe he wants his protein powder back? Evan thinks so, too, and looks genuinely afraid that it may come out that it was his idea to get rid of it in the first place.
So Chad enters, and honestly, the whole thing is a little anti-climactic. Chad, of course, tells the guys that JoJo didn’t choose him because of what Alex said about him, not even taking a beat to acknowledge that it’s possible that a woman just might not be into him. He offers a kind of half-assed apology and says that everyone “ganged up” on him and he felt like his only option was to threaten people. Jordan then steps up, and in a rare moment that actually seems sincere, offers Chad an apology and says that it must have been hard for him to feel like nobody in the house liked or understood him. Chad doesn’t buy it, and points his large finger in Jordan’s face and tells him he doesn’t “have half a brain.” Chad then reinforces exactly what type of guy he is by trying to squeeze Jordan’s hand really hard in a handshake (according to Jordan, anyway) and continues saying things that are designed to intimidate the guys. And then Evan, the resident pipsqueak, gets all big and tough and asks Chad for money to replace his shirt. Not the time and place, buddy. I’m sure ABC will reimburse your 25 bucks if it’s really that urgent. The guys realize that it’s going nowhere, fast, and Jordan rallies the troops away, leaving Chad alone, left to do nothing but go gentle into that good night. But not before he does some sort of spin and jazz hands on the front porch on the way out. I, for one, am looking very forward to seeing his antics on Bachelor in Paradise.
We cut back to JoJo and Alex’s date, where it seems nothing much is going on. They kiss, but I get the distinct vibe that he’s only there in a “lesser of two evils” kind of situation. Not that Alex is on par with Chad, by any stretch, but I’m pretty sure JoJo isn’t into him at all. He goes back to the hotel and is greeted with the kind of welcome that is usually only reserved for war heroes and sports stars. The guys continue their party. And then we follow it up by cutting to a commercial break confirming Chad’s presence in “Paradise.” Hallelujah.
The next scene is the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. JoJo enters wearing another two-piece crop top gown. She talks a little about the previous week, calling it “a great week” and thanks the guys for sticking with it or something like that. I didn’t pay much attention because it was very boring. Then Chase immediately approaches to take her outside, where they make out in a giant plastic bubble thing. They have a lot of chemistry though, and I don’t mind him at all. She then goes with Robby to make a wish in the fountain, where he makes a vague wish about “an intensely shiny object 42 days from now” for them. Way to play it cool, Robby. They make out and her dress sparkles in the night like a disco ball. The other guys are pissed- they think it was a very bold move for him to do it where he knew they could be seen. And then Evan again states the obvious- poor, sad, little Evan- that the competition is getting more intense as the time goes on. She spends a little alone time with James F (who wrote her a horrible poem), and Alex, who interrupts them, and then James Taylor, whose eye injury from last week’s football date looks gross AF. Nothing really noteworthy happens during any of these encounters.
Later, Daniel (whose Canadian accent seems to only strengthen with more time away from Canada) gets interrupted by Luke. Not much really happens there, except I still find Luke creepily intense. Jordan also has the balls to pull her away, maybe like five feet from where everyone is standing, to grind up on her against the wall. Romantic. He comments that he knows that the other guys know what’s going on but that he doesn’t care because “I’m in it for me.” That says a mouthful about the way I personally feel about Jordan, but maybe that’s just me. I also find it worth mentioning that suddenly, all of the guys are getting super-Alpha. Maybe without Chad’s off-the-charts testosterone levels sucking the life out of everyone, things are off balance. When Chad was there, they all had a common enemy to band together and hate. And without him, they all start turning on each other. It’s moments like these when I find this show to be such an interesting anthropological experiment. And then Chris Harrison enters, and I am reminded of exactly where we are. “JoJo, whenever you’re ready.”
Jordan, Alex and Luke already have roses. Evan remarks that he’s disappointed that it’s suddenly getting cutthroat. And again, I wonder, did most of these guys think they were signing up for Survivor or some other show? Before handing out the roses, JoJo says it was a week of “amazing highs and dark lows.” I feel like that’s maybe a little overdramatic, but totally in keeping with the tone of this show. She says she’s closer to finding love, and hands out roses to (in this order) Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James Taylor and Evan (to which I said “ugh” out loud.) As they were lined up like cattle, waiting for their names to be called, my husband pointed out how similar they all look in terms of “type.” Most of them have a similar build, similar hair, and are of similar height (except for Evan and Alex- sorry guys.) I do agree that there is a certain formula when choosing men (and women) to appear on this show. They always seek out a certain type. But I digress. Canadian Daniel and James F go home. James F seems sad but goes fairly quietly. Daniel, however, goes off on a rant that it had to be because she didn’t like his personality, because if it was based solely on looks he would still be in the house. He goes on to humbly state that “guys like Evan and Wells just aren’t on my level. Nobody is on my level.” I don’t know what I find more disturbing about that statement- that he has such a high opinion of his own physicality or that he’s totally fine with someone not liking his personality. I mean, maybe I get it- I’m sure he runs into that problem a lot- people not liking his personality. One can only hope he joins his favorite carnivorous workout buddy in paradise as well.
We find out that their next destination is Uruguay and I feel like ABC has very little faith in their viewers grasp of geography because they really belabor the point of where it is located, even showing us a crude map that looks like it was drawn for a 6th grade social studies class. The guys roll up to the hotel like a bunch of bros, high fiving and getting very excited about the accommodations. Jordan says the “competition is stiff” much like his hair. Date card #1 arrives, and it’s for Jordan, saying “Let’s Seal the Date.” The guys seem pissed that Jordan is getting a one on one. They all start to question his motives and whether he’s “there for the right reasons.”
Jordan and JoJo go on a boat to make out and watch some seals. Then they make out in the ocean. And then back on the boat. Jordan tells JoJo he’s falling for her before dinner. She seems delighted. And it should be noted that her ta-tas have come out to play, for once, leaving her midriff covered for perhaps the first time since this show started. At dinner, she tells him that she met his ex before the show and that she told her that Jordan wasn’t the best boyfriend- that he maybe cheated and they definitely had trust issues. JoJo talks about a relationship that she had prior to the last season that had similar issues and tells him that it “broke her.” Jordan sips his cocktail, cool as a cucumber, as he listens, only pausing to comment, “Interesting.” He flops his floppy hair back and forth and blames his career as an athlete on all the things that went wrong in his relationship. It was a lot of pressure, he enjoyed “talking to girls” (but not cheating), he was busy, yada, yada, yada. He insists he’s not a cheater and would only tell a girl he loved her if he was “willing to put a ring on it.” She comes off very needy, asking him over and over how he feels about her, asking for reassurance that he’s committed to the process, etc. I find his answers shady and insincere, but she buys it, hook, line and sinker and gives him the rose. He struts down the street with her in his skinny jeans with a swagger that says he is certain he’s already won the whole thing. I don’t disagree with him. I think she’s in deep. They stop to dance with some locals and she says it might be “the beginning of the most perfect love story.” Barf.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys have been reading a tabloid article that the producers clearly planted for them to read. Apparently JoJo’s ex (he of the aforementioned relationship that made her feel “broken,” also named Chad. Coincidence? I think not. All Chads are D-bags) gave an interview to a magazine saying they had gotten back together after Ben’s season and that she dumped him to go on the show. The guys all pass the zine around and gossip like 14-year-old girls. Date Card #2 arrives and it is for Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex and says “I can’t stand to be away from you.”
JoJo and her tittays go back to the hotel, on a high from her date with Jordan, when the producer approaches her with the article and tells her the guys have seen it. She has a mini-meltdown in her room and then pulls a granny sweater on over her revealing dress and goes to talk to the guys. The whole thing seems so fake and staged. She breaks down a little while talking to the guys and says she doesn’t want any of them to think she’s “faking it.” They all reassure her, and I notice that while she did her best to cover up the girls with a mousy sweater, the majority of them are shirtless or in tank tops. Jordan sits back with a cat that ate the canary grin on his face and you can almost hear his subliminal “haha- suck it” having just been grilled by her about his ex. But all is well when she leaves.
The next scene, oddly, is Robby and Jordan at a spa while the other guys go on the group date. They have cucumbers on their eyes, are wearing face masks and are getting pedicures in their fluffy white robes. It’s a strange scene, made even stranger by Jordan taking not one, but two bites out of said cucumber and then putting it back on his eye.
The group date is at a sand dune, where most of the guys are wearing skinny jeans so tight that it makes running up the dune difficult, if not impossible. Apparently, they are sand surfing, whatever that is. (Yes, I know- I’m old.) Evan is certain he will get injured. As are we all, Evan. You got a bloody nose doing a swan dive into a shallow pool. This isn’t looking good for you. Derek keeps talking about how he’s jealous and why that’s a good thing. It starts to rain and they have to leave early. Close call, Evan. Someone up there wanted you to keep all your limbs intact. They go to a bar. Luke makes out with her first. Then James Taylor gets a little kiss, though nothing like the action she gave Luke. I still say James T is in the “no bone zone.” Then she spends a little time with Wells. Honestly, this date is just an exercise in seeing all the guys get jealous and talk about how they hate group dates. The whole episode was, really. And when she talks to Derek, he tells her how jealous he is and gets kind of pushy and creepy about it. But she doesn’t mind- they kiss and she says she feels like “Derek is back.” He gives me total Jim Halpert vibes, minus the whole cute and charming thing that John Kraskinski has. Alex doesn’t like Derek- calls him needy and calculating. And they all like it less when Derek gets the group date rose, but possibly due to her phrasing- that she had to give it to someone who needed a little “reassurance.”
Back at the hotel, Date Card #3 arrives, and they act like it’s a surprise, even though Robby is the only one who hasn’t had a date all week. I would have found it hilarious if she gave Jordan another date, but she didn’t. The card said, “Love is within our reach.” It’s a beach date. JoJo arrives wearing short, oh-so-short, white cut offs. Only a body like hers can support that look. She tells Robby she’s going to show him “what South America is all about,” to which I thought, of course. When you think of the little 24-year-old white Bachelorette, your first thought is that she is clearly an expert on life in Uruguay. They stroll about the village like a cheesy montage in a bad romcom. I find their clothing juxtaposition interesting- Robby is wearing a long sleeve button up and chinos and I’ve seen more than a glimpse of JoJo’s buttcheek. They are very short shorts indeed, but she’s attempted to make them more demure by topping them off with a stripey long sleeve sweater; like her top half is in chilly Wisconsin, but it’s all party down south below the equator. They prepare to jump off a cliff and strip down to swim wear to do so and – oh Sweet Jesus- he is wearing aqua socks. The least sexy type of footwear imaginable. And the mom in me finds that jump very dangerous, but his occupation is listed as “Former Competitive Swimmer,” so I guess it’s okay. They make out in the water. At dinner, Robby wants to tell her he loves her, and it’s so awkward and uncomfortable to watch it go down, but I can’t look away. It just seems fast, even for this franchise. He may have set the record for the earliest “I love you.” He seems sincere, and he’s kind of cute but I HATE his beard, and I’m a girl who enjoys a nice beard. It just seems totally out of place on his face. He talks about his friend who died and how it made him contemplate life, whereby he quit his job and broke up with his girlfriend, etc. She says she “can’t believe he’s actually in love with her.” Um, because he’s not. They walk in the rain and it’s all just so BORING that I find myself missing Chad. Ugh.
Back at the hotel, the guys are all at each other’s throats. They are pissed about Derek’s “pity rose” and grill him about what he said to her that made her think he needed reassurance. “Not cute Jim Halpert,” aka Derek, calls it a frat house with a “mean girls clique.” He’s not wrong. The next day at the start of the cocktail party, Derek calls Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan outside to talk to them about why they feel the need to gang up on him. For some reason, all the guys, and especially Evan, who isn’t even included (I’ll bet that is a recurring theme in poor Evan’s life) are super offended by this. Jordan calls it a “slap in the face” and Chase excuses himself because he and Alex need to work on “getting roses.” But through all of this, Jordan discovers that nobody really likes him either. Again, I don’t think it’s the first time that Jordan has found himself disliked in a group of guys. And for some reason, they all keep saying “rose in my lapel” and I think the producers are trying to make it a new Bach catchphrase.
Chris Harrison enters and tells the guys that JoJo has made up her mind and that they are going straight to the rose ceremony- no cocktail party. Three men will be leaving, to which Alex responds that he wants to be there the next morning, not for JoJo, mind you, but to confront Derek. I find it interesting that as soon as Chad is gone, there are all these other guys who seem to be rising up to take his place as the resident villain. Maybe they think it will get them more airtime or maybe the protein powder is laced with extra testosterone. Either way, the posturing for the Alpha dog position is aggressive. JoJo enters in a green gown with an Angelina Jolie-style thigh-high side slit, belted with a shiny gold number that looks like she won a wrestling competition. And as always, it has side cut outs. Always. Thank God she’s so pretty. The rose ceremony begins and Derek, Jordan and Robby already have “roses in their lapels.” She hands out the roses to Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor and Wells. Evan, Grant and Vinny are sent home. Evan cries and his flock of seagulls hair quivers with his tears. He says he “wishes he would have made better use of his time with her.” I personally think he stuck around much longer than anyone would have bet on, and I am not at all sad to see him go. Grant says “It sucks,” (eloquent) and Vinny, too, cries and says he’s “hurt.”
They then show the promos for next week, where it looks like she makes out with a lot of guys in Buenos Aires. It also looks like Jordan is becoming Enemy #1 among the guys, which I kind of saw coming this week. He’s just so cocky. But before the show ends, we are given the treat of a shirtless Luke and his “side boob and man nip.” Honestly, I don’t know what to make of that or how to talk about it, other than it’s exactly what it sounds like. Luke is shirtless. The guys notice his rather sizable breasts, to which he replies that he has “about a B cup.” And with that lovely image, I will bid you adieu until next week, when we get to see more of the “most dramatic season yet.” And maybe more of Luke’s man cleavage. And undoubtably more of JoJo’s navel.