Independent Woman- A Bachelorette Recap for Rachel’s Season, Episode 5 Parts 1&2

“I’m in control. Never gonna stop. Control. To get what I want. Control. I like to have a lot. Control. Now I’m all grown up.” Janet Jackson, Control

Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of what CH touted as a “shocking 2 night Bachelorette event” but in reality was simply 4 long hours of my life that I’ll never get back. Most of it was so boring that it was nearly unwatchable, but the one good thing that did come out of it was watching my girl Rachel Lindsay finally claim her crown and take charge of things like the true queen she is. This week, girlfriend cut more dead weight than a supermodel prepping for a Victoria’s Secret show and I couldn’t have loved it more. Even my husband, who truly hates the hours I make him waste watching this franchise, glanced up from whatever else he was doing a few times to remark, “I like her. She seems really smart” which is something he has never said about any contestant on this show, EVER. So while I’m still annoyed to have spent so much time on this show this week, this recap is already a day late, so let’s get to it, shall we?

We open where we left off last week and this episode clearly could have been titled “Everybody Hates Lee.” Rachel is off floating in a boat with Bryan while Lee and Kenny continue to bicker. Will says he wants to watch, just in case a punch gets thrown, presumably. Meanwhile, in the boat, Rachel and Bryan make out with So. Much. Tongue. It’s a bit off-putting and he seems a little insincere to me, but she’s way into him, so get yours, girl. Kenny and Lee argue and it goes nowhere, except that Kenny keeps calling Lee a bitch. Rachel and Bryan return and she gives the date rose to- you guessed it- Bryan. While the other guys are fighting over her, the suavecito chiropractor is actually spending time with her, so I totally get why she would give it to him. Plus she clearly wants to do the dirty with him, so there’s that, too.

Then Rachel has a one-on-one with Jack Stone, the lawyer from Dallas, who I find to be totally creepy.  What I didn’t realize was how much creepier he was going to get as the date went on. She mentions that they have so much in common that on paper, they seem like they would be a perfect match, so she wants to see if there is any spark between them. They ride in a carriage where the conversation is awkward, at best and then they dance and it gets even worse. He’s a terrible dancer and he eventually goes in for a kiss, which she clearly isn’t into, so she gives him the requisite peck and he waxes poetic about how it’s the best first kiss he’s had in a long time, which just tells us that he’s neither good at kissing, nor at reading signals from the ladies. At “dinner” things go from bad to worse, conversation-wise. It looks like they’re drinking water, so there’s not even booze to minimize the awkwardness. It’s like a bad job interview where you know the applicant isn’t getting the job but he totally thinks he’s in. At one point, she asks him what he would do if he could take her to Dallas and he begins with, “First off, I’d lock the door…” and that’s all she needs to hear. She picks up the date rose (in my mind, all I could hear was the Borat voice saying “you’ll never get this, lalalala”) and sends him packing. He keeps smiling like he has no idea he’s getting sent home, even as she’s saying the words, and his teeth are so big that his smile is off-putting, like everything else about him. I get what she means about being perfect on paper- you look at his face and he should be attractive but he’s just not. Eventually, he stops grinning like an idiot and leaves without much fanfare- just a flash of blinding white teeth sneaking off into the dark of night.

Back at the house, Lee talks to Will about Kenny and Will tries to explain that historically, a white man referring to a black man as “aggressive” leads to nothing good and Lee calls it “pulling the race card.” I’m actually very annoyed with this whole thing because the producers had to know that Lee was at least a little racist before they cast him. I get casting some idiot like Whaboom or some weirdo like Jack Stone, but to cast a guy who has racist tendencies to date the first black Bachelorette of all time is just wrong. Clearly they wanted to stir up drama and in the current climate of race relations, it just seems kind of gross and gratuitous. Anyway, Rachel cancels the cocktail party and sends the guys straight to the rose ceremony. Bryan and Dean already have roses, so she hands the remaining roses out as follows:

  1. Eric (which I still don’t understand, but she’s clearly into him)
  2. Peter
  3. Adam (the doll guy? Still?)
  4. Will
  5. Matt (penguin suit guy? Still?)
  6. Alex
  7. Josiah
  8. Anthony
  9. Kenny
  10. Lee

Iggy and Jonathan the tickle monster are sent home. And yes, Jonathan gives her a little tickle on his way out. And Iggy cries. She tells the other guys it’s time to take the show on the road and they are headed to Oslo Norway. Once they get to Norway, she mentions that she can’t just be having fun with these guys anymore because she’s looking for a husband. The first one-on-one date goes to Bryan, so I’m sure we can expect a lot more sloppy tongue kissing. They explore the city by taking the bus (come on, ABC. You can’t pony up for a car service?) and they find out they are going to rappel down some crazy high Olympic ski jump. That would be a big no from me, but they do it and make out while on the ropes. She calls his confidence “sexy” and they can’t keep their hands off each other. At “dinner” they both talk about how they were “ugly ducklings” until a certain age and commiserate over the fact that they are both scared of falling in love. He tells her he’s falling for her and she gives him the date rose and they make out more because of course they do. If not for the cameras and the producers, I think they would have taken it to poundtown right then and there.

Back at the hotel, Eric is complaining about how all the white guys get the one-on-one dates. Another date card arrives and it’s a group date for Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric and Josiah, which means Kenny and Lee will be doing the 2-on-1. Like we didn’t see that coming. The group date has the men learning to play handball, which is kind of a mix of football, basketball and water polo. Again, this group of guys are not the best example of athleticism. Their tight outfits are hilarious and I think the coaches hate all of them, except Will and Alex, who are actually pretty decent at the game. Peter doesn’t care at all about winning- he just wants to flirt with Rachel and play a little grab ass with her.  I like their vibe and definitely think she’s into him. The red team dominates the game, but Peter seems to come out as the true victor, since he got himself a handful of ass in the process. At the cocktail hour, Miss Lindsay is rocking some hooker boots and she looks hot. She flirts with Will a little and they kiss. Then she makes out with Alex and also kisses Eric. While talking to Josiah, it’s clear that he, too, is delusional about the vibe between them. He thinks things are going great, while she mentions that he never asks her anything about herself. I think he’s going home very soon, while he still thinks he’s going to win the whole damn thing. She and Peter go into a random hot tub and make out, but the date rose eventually goes to Will, which Peter isn’t happy about.

The 2-on-1 date card arrives and says, “Kenny and Lee, your fate is up in the air.” A helicopter takes them into the Norwegian wilderness, where they both try to convince Rachel that the other is lying. A lot of back-and-forth and name-calling ensues (“short-stack Southern piece of garbage” was my personal favorite), with Rachel eventually deciding to send Lee home because she doesn’t trust him. But she also says that she’s not ready to give the rose to Kenny, so she asks for more time with him. But as they are getting in the helicopter to go back to the hotel, he leaves her to go confront Lee again, which she doesn’t like at all. Once they get back to the hotel, I honestly think she’s going to send him home, too, but they start talking about his daughter and she softens toward him and offers him the rose. Right after he gets the rose, he facetimes with his daughter and it makes me want to cry cause he’s so sweet with her. Honestly, the good dad thing is Kenny’s saving grace in my eyes (Rachel’s too, I think) but they really have no connection and he’s definitely not going to the final four.

We arrive at another rose ceremony and Rach looks amazing. She’s all business about handing out the roses- no cocktail party. Will, Bryan and Kenny already have roses, so the roses go as follows:

  1. Dean
  2. Eric
  3. Peter
  4. Alex
  5. Adam
  6. Matt

Josiah and Anthony are sent home, and while Anthony goes quietly, like a gentleman, Josiah goes on a rant about all the guys he’s “better than” that are still in the house- namely Matt, Alex and Adam. His final words about Rachel are “woman, you have some poor judgment.”

They head to Copenhagen. Denmark and stay in a gorgeous hotel. Eric gets a one-on-one date card that says, “I’m Copen to love.” She mentions that her last conversation with Eric was amazing and she wants to spend more time with him.  She pulls up in a boat and they, too “explore the city.” They boat around, sight-seeing and drinking champagne and it doesn’t look like a bad day at all, except that she has to spend it with Eric, who I don’t get the appeal of at all, but she seems way into him. They get into a hot tub and drink champs and he calls it his “best date ever.” At dinner, they talk about childhood and their families and Eric mentions that he never really felt loved by his mom and so therefore has a hard time when he feels love for a woman because it’s an unfamiliar feeling. And now I feel bad for being so mean about him all this time. She gives him the rose and all I can think about is how unfortunate it is that they can’t eat on camera cause those burgers look delicious.

A group date card arrives for Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter and Adam. It says, “I’ve taken a Viking to you guys.” This means Will is getting a one-on-one date, which he is stoked about. The guys get in a boat and learn how to row and I’m still shocked at how bad they are as a group at most physical activities. The group date has the guys being trained to fight like Vikings and they are dressed in ridiculous get-ups. Kenny and Adam win the right to “fight for Rachel’s heart” and they both end up bruised and bloody, but Kenny is the final victor. It’s clear, however, that everyone is just fighting for second place after Peter and Bryan. Kenny is concerned that he’s not at the place he should be in his relationship with Rachel and he misses his daughter. He and Rach talk (“keeping it 100” is mentioned at least twice in this conversation) and they mutually decide that it’s best for him to go home because they aren’t sure where they stand with each other. He calls his daughter in the car and tells her he’s coming home. Rachel tells the guys she sent Kenny home and Peter gets the group date rose.

Her one-on-one date with Will is about as boring as it comes. The only interesting thing about it is that he mentions to the other guys that he typically only dates white girls and then he also mentions it to Rachel. On a date with her. She seems annoyed by this and I totally get it. She also seems annoyed that he tells her that he’s always physical with women too quickly but he has done nothing but give her a chaste peck and held her hand. They truly have zero chemistry and she eventually says something is missing and sends him home. Bye bye Will. He’s a perfect gentleman upon departure.

We end with yet another rose ceremony. Eric and Peter already have roses. She quotes Hamlet and then takes a little time away to have a mini-breakdown. When she comes back, she gives the roses to:

  1. Bryan
  2. Matt
  3. Dean
  4. Adam

Alex is sent home. He doesn’t seem to care much. She says she’s scared she might not find a husband and then we see some upcoming previews for the rest of the season. 4 hours of my life were wasted on this, but at least we managed to pack in 3 rose ceremonies and send home Jack Stone, Iggy, Jonathan, Lee, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Alex. And now we are left with 6 guys and it’s pretty clear which ones are going to be in the top 4-obviously Bryan, Peter, Eric and Dean. And with that, I leave you until next week, and not a moment too soon, as I need a break from all things Bachelor Nation for a few days. Until then…

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RhonicaPetty

Mama. Wife. Writer. Yogi. Wino. Book lover. Bad reality tv expert. Cheese enthusiast. Jack of all trades, master of none

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