“Come on let it go, just let it be. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me. Everything that’s broke, leave it to the breeze. Why don’t you be you, and I’ll be me…” James Bay, Let it Go
Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s bachelor recap. Before we even get into the episode, let’s just take a minute to talk about some big news- ABC has officially announced that my personal favorite, one miss Rachel Lindsay, is going to be the new bachelorette. This is great news for several reasons- #1) Rachel is cool and smart and funny and will be an excellent lead for the next season #2) she is the first African American bachelorette and #3) we know she doesn’t end up with Nick, who she is way too good for anyway. I’m curious as to why they announced it before the season is even over (she’s currently still in the running to get Nick’s final rose) but I have a suspicion it was an attempt to deflect from the notion that the show isn’t diverse (it really hasn’t been so far) and also maybe to atone for the poor choice of giving Nick a fourth go-round on this latest train wreck of a season. Whatever the reason, I applaud their choice and am excited to watch a whole season of Rachel. So, with that, let’s get into the episode, shall we?
We open with Nick crying (what else is new?) and I wonder if there has ever been a bachelor who has shed so many tears. The only one that comes to mind who could potentially rival the waterworks of Nick is that weenie Jake Pavelka, and I don’t even think he came close. We are still in St. Thomas, and the ladies discuss their feelings about Nick dropping the bomb that he might not be able to continue. Nick sits alone at the beach and along comes CH. “I heard you had a rough day yesterday,” CH says to Nick, and Nick agrees that he’s been second-guessing all of his thoughts and decisions. CH asks Nick if he’s ready to throw in the towel and without answering, Nick goes to the hotel to talk to the women. He apologizes for the previous night and I can’t help but notice that Raven’s lash extensions look as busted as Corinne’s fake hair. Nick continues talking and yada, yada, yada (spoiler alert) it turns out Nick CAN continue to be the Bachelor. That was a lot of build up for something so anti-climactic, as I’m sure sex with Nick would be. Anyway, he decides to cancel the rose ceremony and bring all of the remaining ladies to Bimini. (The producers then show us a map, so geography dumb-dumbs like me have some clue of where it is. Bahamas, maybe? I wasn’t really paying attention and I didn’t want to rewind.)
They arrive in Bimini and the girls go to their villa and freak out. It is quite nice. Clearly ABC is spending the majority of the budget on accommodations because they certainly haven’t been splashing out on elaborate dates. Kristina enters with a date card, and it says, “Vanessa- Let’s go deeper.” Most of the girls seem a little pissed, but Corinne is, as always, making it the Corinne show. She has yet to have a one-on-one and she’s annoyed that she didn’t get this one. “I’m frustrated and I’m really bloated,” she whines.
Nick and Vanessa are on a boat for their date, and she is, as usual, busting his balls for being emotionally affected by sending Danielle home. I liked Vanessa in the beginning but I have completely soured on her. She is as spoiled as Corinne is, just in a much sneakier way. It’s like that line from When Harry Met Sally– she’s the worst kind of high maintenance because she’s high maintenance but thinks she’s low maintenance. Vanessa continues to grill him and I can tell he’s super-into her, because he continues to indulge it. Her giant hoop earrings with a bathing suit are a little Jenny-from-the-block for me, but girlfriend has a rockin’ body. They make out and snorkel over to an abandoned ship. They kiss underwater (has anyone ever done that just naturally while not on camera) and she mentions that she wants to tell him she’s falling for him. They go to “dinner” and Vanessa has brought the girls out to play, because it’s always best to rock a heavy cleave when you are about to tell a man who is dating five of your friends that you love him. They toast to their evening and I wonder if maybe she doesn’t drink, because it looks like Nick has white wine and she has sparkling water. Either that or vodka soda. She cries while talking about her strong feelings for him and says, “I feel confident and comfortable enough to tell you that I’m falling in love with you.” Nick tells her that he has also fallen in love in the same environment so he understands it, but believes that there is a “greater love” for him than he has experienced and finds it important that the next time he says “I love you,” it’s only to that one person. She gets the consolation “I really, really like you” and she is not happy about it. She pouts and says that it hurt not to have her words reciprocated.
Back at the hotel, Corinne is bad-mouthing Vanessa, saying that she doesn’t see much depth in her. Hello, Corinne, have you met you? She then takes it one too far by implying that Vanessa’s job as a special-needs teacher is something she uses to make herself look deep and caring. Low blow, Corinne. They all drink wine and gossip and a date card arrives. It’s for Corinne, Kristina and Raven and says, “Let’s jump in with both feet first.” Rachel and Danielle will both be getting one-on-one dates, and again, Corinne is unhappy about this turn of events. Corinne calls herself “the queen of group dates” and it appears that it is yet another date set on a yacht. Way to get creative, producers. But Corinne is happy about it because she says she “looks good on a yacht.” She strips down almost immediately and surprisingly, Kristina answers that bell by stripping down as well, revealing a hot little body. You go, little orphan Kristina. Corinne whines about feeling like a third wheel the second Nick starts giving Kristina a little attention. Nick tells them that they are going to be swimming with sharks, to which I personally would have given a huge “hell no” but the girls seem game. Raven is a little cray and I like it- she says she would punch a shark in the face if it got too close and calls Corinne the “most likely to get eaten on the date.” There are sharks swimming all around them, willy nilly, and I’m getting the heeby jeebies just watching it. Kristina is apparently the only one with any sense, because she gets scared and insists on getting back on the boat. I agree with her- she’s already seen too much in her young life and she didn’t escape Russia to be eaten by a goddamn shark. Smart girl.
They leave the boat to go have drinks (at least there’s a cheese plate) and all Corinne can talk about is how she’s going to get the group date rose, all the while inhaling the cheese plate like it’s her first meal in months. I don’t blame her, and at least someone is eating on one of these dates for once. Nick pulls Kristina aside first and again, I notice that they have zero chemistry. Their conversation is forced and awkward and all I can say is that I hope sweet Kristina can find love, though I really don’t think it’s going to be with Nick. Raven mentions that she’s not one to fight for attention, but Nick soon pulls her aside to have some time with her. They talk about their families and their conversation is a lot more natural. She tells him her “daddy” was recently diagnosed with cancer and that’s why she quit law school and moved home. Nick and Corinne finally have time together and she says she’s going to use the time to “turn the date around.” They talk about why she has yet to get a one-on-one and Nick remarks that she always uses her time with him well, even though she’s never had a one-on-one date. Corinne seems satisfied with this vague answer, though less so when he gives the date rose to Raven. Raven and Nick leave to have some time together and Corinne and Kristina are left alone. Raven and Nick go to see a “special performance” by yet another artist I’ve never heard of (Adam Freeman, maybe?) and they aggressively make out like teens on spring break.
Back at the hotel, Danielle gets a date card that says, “Let’s ride off into the sunset together.” She meets up with Nick for their date and they ride bikes and have childish banter. Danielle is gorgeous and sweet, but she’s become a bit of a snooze for me. It could be that she doesn’t have a big personality or it could be a bad edit or it could be the lack of chemistry with Nick, but I’m just not feeling it with her anymore. They browse shops, eat cake and talk island history. Her shorts are very short. Their conversation feels very unnatural and forced. He calls her “sweet” and “nice” both of which are decent adjectives, just not really the first two you want to hear from the guy you’re trying to date. They go to dinner and I get a strong vibe that she’s going to be sent home. Nick says, “you’re fun to have fun with” and I wonder what that even means. I feel for the poor girl, though. Her story about her previous fiancé and his drug overdose was tough stuff and again, I hope she finds someone, but it’s becoming crystal clear as the date continues that her someone is not going to be Nick. She starts to tell him that she’s falling for him and as she starts speaking, the look on Nick’s face says it all. He’s about to tap out on this one. He says he doesn’t see a future for them and sends her on her way. He says he realized that “I don’t think my heart can get there. I’m sorry.” I feel even worse for her when he says, “You’re so great” and her reply is “Not great enough.” Oh, honey, it’s only Nick. He’s a douche. You can do better. She heads back to the hotel to pack up her things and cries to the other girls. Corinne sees this as her chance to “do whatever it takes to get a hometown” and she brushes out her ratty extensions, puts on some makeup and heads out to show Nick her “platinum vagine.” She says, “I am not a runner-up” and heads over to Nick’s hotel for a little sexy time. Nick pours her a glass of champagne and about 30 seconds later, they head into the bedroom and close the door. “Let’s dive into bed” she says, and we hear all kinds of bedroom noises. Soon after, Nick says, “We should slow it down” and before you know it, he escorts her out of the bedroom and out the door. She’s not happy about getting shut down and she seems to have trouble walking out of the hotel and I’m not sure if it’s the champagne or the stilettos.
Rachel gets a date card that says “Let’s get a taste of the local flavor.” Nick comes to pick her up and she looks super-cute. They explore the island and end up at a bar that is strictly locals-only. They drink beers and talk about hometowns. Nick says he’s nervous and Rachel tells him that he would be the only white guy she has ever brought home, but not because she doesn’t date white guys, simply because she only brings people home that she’s serious about. She says she calls her dad “Bammy” but recommends that Nick call him “Mr Lindsay” or “Sir.” She mentions that it feels like Nick is her boyfriend and the bartender tells her “Make sure this guy really needs you and not just wants you.” They kiss a lot and even though I don’t get it, they seem to have good chemistry. Fortunately, however, we know she won’t end up with Nick because they’ve already announced her as the new bachelorette.
Nick and CH chit chat about the hometowns and Nick says he knows who he’s sending home, so there’s no point in having a rose ceremony. He cries again and goes to the hotel, presumably to send Kristina or Corinne home. (My money is on Kristina.) Sure enough, he enters and asks where Kristina is and I can’t help but feel bad for her. Poor girl was already abandoned by her mother and now she’s getting dumped on national TV by a loser like Nick. Nick’s “letting her down gently” speech to Kristina is insincere and rambling and she definitely deserves better. Nick says as much, and finally, he and I agree on something. He starts to cry, again, and suddenly Kristina turns ice cold and looks like she could cut a bitch. Good for you, Kristina. Save those tears and exit like the enigmatic Russian Bond Girl you can be. Nick walks away and cries some more and I swear I spy a yellow LiveStrong bracelet on his wrist. Good God, Nick- get your shit together!
It’s unclear if there will be a rose ceremony next week or if the remaining four girls are all going to hometowns. So far, Raven is the only one with a guaranteed rose. It looks like there will be a lot more tears next week (mostly Nick’s, again) and someone returns to “confront Nick.” I’m looking forward to potentially meeting Corinne’s nanny and seeing why Rachel gets sent home (or chooses to leave- wouldn’t that be the BEST?) Until then, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the end of this season and desperately trying to determine whether Nick is the last person in the world who is still rocking a LiveStrong bracelet. See you all next week.