“Close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candlelight. For tonight is just your night and we’re gonna celebrate all through the night.” Boyz II Men, I’ll Make Love to You
Hello everyone. We find ourselves here, close to the end, when we get to see the overnight dates, as if we haven’t seen enough of Nick Viall boning on this show already. (Lest we all forget him whining, “Why did you make love to me then?” to Andi after she dumped him.) I always find this episode to be so boring, especially since it’s split into a two-parter this season. I personally don’t know why any of these girls want to have overnights with him, but he is the Bachelor, for another few episodes anyway, so this is what we have to work with. So, with that being said (a shout-out to Nick’s oft-uttered phrase), let’s get into it.
First and foremost, Nick is treated to an awkward visit by Andi, who dumped him just before the final rose several seasons ago. He answers the door and she says, “I heard you were in town” and saunters in. He offers her a drink and she says she thinks the conversation “calls for whiskey.” She says she’s just there “checking in” which seems extremely convenient since she has a new book coming out soon. Nick gets even dorkier than normal while talking to Andi and says, “The last time you knocked on my door you broke up with me.” They discuss his relationships with the women and he tells her that he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s the bachelor. And then Andi inappropriately asks him if he’s planning on banging any of the ladies during the overnights. She then goes on and gives him her “permission” to be intimate. Um, thanks girl who dumped Nick a thousand years ago and has barely spoken to him since.
I’m sure he was waiting on you to give him the go-ahead. Anyway, Andi appears to be done giving him her sage advice (since her own engagement that stemmed from this show was so successful that she had to write a tell-all book about how terrible the relationship was) so she leaves and Nick heads to the rose ceremony.
As the women prepare to go to the rose ceremony, Vanessa breaks down and cries (of course) and says she “doesn’t feel special.” Rachel enters with dignity like the queen she is and says after seeing Nick with her family, she’s definitely falling for him. Raven enters in a sparkly two-piece dress and her hair extensions are looking much better than when last we saw her. Corinne enters wearing… something. It’s basically a version of the Angelina Jolie “leg” dress but the slits go up both sides. I hope girlfriend is wearing underwear or we are definitely going to get a peek at those gold-plated lady parts . The rose ceremony hasn’t even started yet, and again, Vanessa has the waterworks flowing. Get your shit together, VANESSA! All the ladies have ball gowns on but they have to wear big jackets over them because it’s freezing on the NYC balcony where the ceremony is being held. Maybe move it inside guys? Or get some heat lamps or something. The budget this season is appalling. The roses go as follows:
In a shocking move, Corinne is sent home before Nick gets a chance to sleep with her. I was convinced that he was going to send Rachel home and dump Corinne right after doing the horizontal hokey pokey in the fantasy suite. I actually feel bad for her- she’s literally sobbing as she says goodbye to him. I hope Raquel is preparing her cheese pasta to serve on her arrival. She’s inconsolable, asking Nick what she did wrong and he tells her that she didn’t do anything. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he says, “and I’m going to miss the hell out of you.” And just like that, Princess Corinne is put into the limo and shuttled back to Florida, where a quick round of retail therapy with daddy’s platinum card will probably do wonders to heal her broken heart. She’s very sad in the limo, but I can’t, like, take her, like, seriously, like, when her every other word is “like.” “I am done trying to impress these men,” she says. Calm down, Corinne. You’re 24- you have your whole life ahead of you to keep getting dumped and dating assholes until you find the right guy. And then, just like a milk-drunk little baby (though hers was likely champagne-induced) who has cried herself to sleep,she curls up in the back of the limo and drifts off, leaving a Corinne-shaped hole in the remainder of the season.
Next, we see the women arrive in Lapland, Finland, where the overnights are taking place. Vanessa and her resting bitch face look none too happy about having to share time with the other two women. Nick is wearing a fur-collared jacket that I’m certain he purchased in the women’s department. At the very least, it’s bi-sexual. (Any Michael Scott fans out there? The Office? If not, that joke totally just went over your head.) Raven has the first date with Nick and they board a helicopter and prepare to see the city. I’m guessing ABC didn’t have the budget to show us their helicopter tour, because they spend the majority of the date in a pub playing darts. Raven keeps saying she’s never said “I love you” to anyone and I swear she must have been drunk because I know she told Nick a few weeks ago that she was “falling in love with him.” Maybe she sees that as something different. Potato, po-taah-to, I guess. Nick calls their relationship a “choose your own adventure book.” Isn’t every relationship, in a way? I’m so over Nick and his stupid analogies. They throw back some shots and I can’t help but think nothing says romance like a round of jager bombs. They talk about their families and Raven reveals that she can’t cook. Nick says he can cook but hates to iron and fold clothes. And Raven owns a boutique, so she folds and steams clothes all day long. It’s meant to be, y’all. Later, in a testimonial, Raven admits, “I guess my main fears are telling Nick I love him. And then having sex with him.” I would be afraid of that, too, especially after seeing his terrible cold weather wardrobe, but she explains that she’s scared to sleep with him because her one previous sexy time partner (I chose that word over “lover” because the word lover creeps me out) failed to get her to the big O. I have a few issues with this information: Number one- I wouldn’t put money on Nick being the guy to get you there if it hasn’t happened in the past (in a two year relationship), and number two, you’ve only slept with one guy? Nick is a whole lot sluttier than poor sweet Raven, having slept with at least three times the number of people in the Bachelor Nation alone as Raven has slept with in total.
They have “dinner” and Raven is about to drop the love bomb and the orgasm bomb. Nick is wearing a hideous turtleneck sweater and I’ve never found him less attractive, and that is saying a lot. She says her last boyfriend (the one she caught in the act) said “I love you” when he was drunk but never sober. She apparently never said it (apparently she had some trust issues, and rightfully so) and Nick asks if she thinks she could say it even if it wouldn’t necessarily be reciprocated. She says “You have made it so easy for me to say I love you,” followed by “I do love you and it would be the worst thing I could do not to tell you that.” Then she tells him about her failure to launch in the sack and Nick uses this opportunity to give her the letter from CH that says (as usual) “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms tonight, please use this key to stay as a couple in our fantasy suite.” I’m guessing Nick is thinking “jackpot” since she’s never actually had an orgasm, so the bar is already set pretty low. And Raven, while super sweet, doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb, so no matter what, maybe he can manage to convince her that whatever goes down in this fantasy suite is as good as it gets. They go to cuddle up on the bed and see some Northern Lights (and no, that’s not a euphemism) and as usual, it’s to be continued.
Next week, apparently we have a three hour “Bachelor event” that starts with “Will Raven’s date come to a satisfying end?” (My money is on no.) Then we get to see his overnight dates with Rachel and Vanessa and two hours of The Women Tell All. Overall, this episode felt like a total waste of time, as I’m certain a fantasy suite date with Nick would, but good on you Raven for thinking Nick might be the guy to make it happen for you. I’m curious to see what happens with Rachel and Nick, mainly because I was certain she was going home this week because they had announced her as the new Bachelorette so early. I also can’t wait to see Vanessa grill Nick over whether or not he slept with any of the other women, because you know she’s going to. The Women Tell All should be fun, but not if the main focus of it is Taylor vs Corinne round 2. Other than that, I’m completely ready for this season to be over and to (fingers crossed) never have to see Nick Viall on this franchise ever again. I doubt we will be that lucky, however. Odds are that he and Vanessa will be done by the time Paradise rolls around, where he will likely go to try to win Corinne back and get a crack at that platinum vagine once and for all. See you all next week.