“Get out (leave) right now. It’s the end of you and me. It’s too late (now) and I can’t wait for you to be gone. Cause I know about her (who) and I wonder (why) how I bought all the lies. You said that you would treat me right but you were just a waste of time.” JoJo, Leave (Get Out)
Hello everyone. Welcome to week two of this season of The Bachelorette, where it seems that everyone is lying about something- some of the guys who aren’t “here for the right reasons,” some of the guys who claimed to be athletic but played basketball worse than a 7th grade girls’ team, and even Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who for some reason pretended it was their idea to come on this shitshow cause they are such “huge fans.” One of them has to be contractually obligated somehow by ABC, right? I mean, I get it- I watch it every week as well, but they have to be the biggest A-listers who would ever deign to come on the show, voluntarily, anyway. Well, while we are all trying to find the link that ties the Kutcher/Kunis clan to ABC or its parent company, this recap isn’t going to write itself, so let’s get started, shall we?
We open with Rachel cavorting around the Westlake Village Inn with a cute dog who is wearing a cast on his leg. (We later find out that this is her dog, Copper, when he accompanies her on a date.) CH arrives at the mansion to tell the guys that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and with that, he delivers the first date card. It’s a group date that says, “I’m looking for husband material” and it includes Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred and good ol’ WHABOOM himself, Lucas. The guys show up to a BBQ, where Rachel mans a grill and encourages them to eat, drink and be merry. It appears to be just a casual BBQ with a little touch football for good measure, and I quickly wonder if Lucas has done a few bumps of coke beforehand, because he just can’t seem to settle the eff down. WHABOOM, indeed. Blake seems to have a personal vendetta against Lucas (and we later find out that is exactly what it is) and he keeps threatening to “expose” him. I’m sorry, Blake, but Rachel is an attorney. Give the girl a little credit- I’m sure she knows that he’s not “here for the right reasons.” And I’m also sure that the producers are aware of the beef between Blake and Lucas and have encouraged her to keep them both around for a while to incite some drama. (Also, did I just use the word “beef” to describe a feud? What am I- a mid-90s rapper with an axe to grind? God, I hate myself so hard sometimes and promise to never use that phrase again.)
Suddenly, like a beacon of perfect, shining love to gaze upon, Mila and Ashton show up to help host the “Husband Material” games. Basically, it’s an obstacle course that makes the guys change fake diapers, carry a baby in a Baby Bjorn, fix a sink, set a table, etc. The first guy to complete the course wins, but what they win isn’t clear. I do kind of love that they say their Monday nights consist of cocktails (him), wine (her) and The Bachelor, cause it kind of sounds like my Monday nights for the past nine years with my husband, though it seems like Ashton kind of digs it while my husband is a decidedly less willing participant. The games begin and these guys are dry-heaving over fake baby poop, which I can’t imagine has anything on the real thing, so this doesn’t bode well for their future dad skills. Most of them (except Kenny, who actually has a kid) seem to have trouble with the Baby Bjorn, and somehow Iggy gets eliminated and sent to the “doghouse.” Lucas and Kenny seem to be vying for the lead, and just before the finish line, Lucas pulls a dick move and stiff arms Kenny to take the lead. (So shocking that Lucas wouldn’t fight fair, isn’t it?) After his “victory,” Lucas attempts to get Ashton to participate in his WHABOOM nonsense, but Kelso don’t play that. He just looks at him like the moron he is and leaves him to full body heave on his own, embarrassing only himself in the process.
I’m guessing that since Lucas won the challenge, Rachel refused to give him any sort of “special prize” of alone time. She took him aside to talk first, but that was the best he was going to get. She’s clearly not into him, which I’m sure is a familiar feeling for him. He reads her a terrible poem he “wrote” and there is less than no spark between them. It doesn’t matter, though, cause Blake is pissed and hellbent on confronting him. Apparently Blake lives with (lived with? He says at one point that she’s being evicted from his house) Lucas’s ex-girlfriend and knows for a fact that Lucas is only on the show to get TV exposure for WHABOOM, whatever that means. The fact that anyone could think this ridiculous catchphrase could lead to some kind of career is only overshadowed by the fact that Lucas once had a girlfriend. Anyway, they argue and it’s clear that neither of them is going to stick around for very long cause Rachel isn’t into either of them. In fact, she basically says she’s not really feeling anyone on this date cause the conversations have been “mundane.” Fred (the former camper) tries to make time but she tells him she remembers him as a bad kid. I’m guessing he must really have been, cause she doesn’t seem to want to let that one go. Jack is a creepy close-talker, Blake seems more into the drama with Lucas than anything with Rachel. And then, out of nowhere, Dean appears, like a shining star in the dark of night to brighten Rachel’s evening. She’s super into him. I personally am getting major Chris Soules vibes from him, minus the farm and the whole alleged vehicular manslaughter, but Rachel definitely digs what he’s putting down. She calls him a “breath of fresh air” and they flirt a lot but he doesn’t kiss her. Eventually, she gives him the group date rose and he walks her to her car and kisses her outside.
Back at the mansion, another date card arrives and it’s a one-on-one for Peter that says, “I’m looking for a best friend.” They go to an airport, where they are taking a private plane to Palm Springs, but Rachel says she’s invited a good friend of hers who recently had a bad accident. A car pulls up, and inside is Copper, Rachel’s injured pooch. He’s really cute and Peter is good with him, so it makes me like him more. They end up at something called Barkfest at a hotel, where there are dogs everywhere and all sorts of dog-based activities. While there, they talk and flirt and they definitely have a lot of chemistry. What I can’t help but notice is that they would most certainly have gap-toothed children were they to procreate, since they both have a similar tooth gap. After Barkfest, they go to “dinner” (as usual, nary a bite of food is consumed) and they talk about family, relationships, and their respective tooth gaps. She enthusiastically gives him the date rose and he happily accepts. They kiss and go watch fireworks outside and I certainly hope some PA has taken Copper elsewhere, as dogs are notoriously not the biggest fans of fireworks.
Back at the mansion, another date card arrives and it says “Swish.” It’s for Will, Jamie, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah and DeMario and most of them are stoked because they assume it’s a basketball-related event. And while they are right, I’m not sure why so many of them were pumped about it, because I’ve never seen such a rag-tag group of unathletic men in my entire life. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes to help “coach” them and even his sweet sky-hook skills can’t do a thing to help most of these losers. Rachel is very good at basketball and it just highlights the fact that the majority of these guys are not, with the exception of DeMario. He’s very cocky, but in terms of this particular date, he’s the only one who has any right to be. Airballs and brick shots are sent off with reckless abandon and quite frankly, it’s painful to watch. The guys are split into teams and have to play a game in front of a “packed house.” It’s a low-scoring game, but DeMario is the only one who has a thing to be proud of, performance-wise, even though his team didn’t win. But you know the old saying- pride goeth before the fall, and DeMario has a big fall coming, by way of a girlfriend who came to confront him and Rachel. According to this girl (Lexi, I believe her name is), she thought she and DeMario were in a seven month relationship until he suddenly ghosted on her. Soon after, she saw him pursuing Rachel as one of the suitors on ATFR and all her questions were answered. Rachel goes to the locker room to collect DeMario and get some answers. His response when he sees Lexi is priceless- first recognition, followed by a face that seemed to say “oh shit,” followed by the empty question, “Who is that?” Lexi confronts him, says they were still together and that he was still texting her and/or boning her and he calls her crazy. I mean- I don’t doubt that. She does have some crazy eyes on her, but those two things aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Is she a bat-shit stage five clinger? Probably. Were they still “together” when he signed up for the show? Almost definitely. Rachel asks if the proof in Lexi’s phone is going to incriminate him and proves that he’s lying and DeMario admits that it likely will. Rachel immediately asks him to “get the f*^@ out” and I’ve never liked her more. CH creepily lurks in the background and I note that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get this much airtime early in the season. Rachel goes to tell the guys what happened. Afterward, they go to a bar, but the vibe is off and she’s still upset about what happened. She and Josiah kiss and she says she likes that he is “protective.” She also kisses Eric, but not much else happens on this part of the date except that Josiah gets the group date rose.
It’s the rose ceremony day, and she says that the remaining guys make her feel hopeful. She plays a little tonsil hockey with Alex again, and the security guards outside find DeMario asking if he can come in to talk to Rachel. They say they have to go ask her and- wouldn’t you know it?- it’s TBC to next week. I will still say I hate this new formula that doesn’t end every episode with a rose ceremony. It kind of takes me out of caring, if I’m being honest. But how much do I still care about this show after 15 years and twice as many seasons? Probably not much. So, with that, I leave you. We will pick up next week with thoughts on DeMario’s apology tour, the growing feud between WHABOOM and Blake and the disdain that seems to be growing for Lee, the country crooner. Until next week…