“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don’t cha.” The Pussycat Dolls, Don’tcha
Hello, all, and welcome to yet another (sober) recap of my favorite guilty pleasure. Even without the added benefit of a solid wine buzz, this week’s episode didn’t disappoint, thanks to the machinations of Princess Corinne, who even without her nanny, seems to have no trouble making sure she is never without a cocktail in hand. I called it in episode one that she would be this season’s villain (it didn’t take a genius to determine that, in fairness) and she is living up to the expectations. So without further ado, let’s get into it.
This week opens with the ladies waiting on a date card, and just like that, CH shows up, date card in hand, to make these ladies’ dreams come true. He tells them that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and warns them that there will be some girls who don’t get dates at all this week, due to the sheer volume of women left. (22, but who- besides Nick, of course- is counting?) Anyway, he leaves the date card and goes to do whatever it is that CH does for the many hours he isn’t on camera, and the women eagerly await the fate of the date card. The names on the first group date card are Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. The card says, “Always a bridesmaid.” Obviously, they are going to be doing something wedding-inspired, and who better to do it with than the guy who planned on proposing two prior times on this show and got shot down? What could possibly go wrong?
As they are getting ready for the date, Corinne remarks that she’s never been a bridesmaid- shocking. The girls arrive at a photo shoot where some photographer that we are supposed to have heard of is going to shoot various themed wedding pics with Nick and the ladies. Vanessa is chosen as the 80s bride, Alexis (Sharknado) is the shotgun bride, Brittany is the Adam and Eve bride, and so on and so forth. The girls who aren’t chosen to be brides have to dress as bridesmaids. Seriously, what a kick in the crotch. There are only about 3-4 girls who haven’t been chosen as brides- you couldn’t just brainstorm a few more ideas so all the ladies could participate? But it wouldn’t the The Bachelor if they weren’t trying to create drama and competition among the women, so I guess I get it. It is worth noting that before they got the date card, the day drinks seemed to be flowing back at the house, and here at the photo shoot, the mimosa train doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. It’s clear they all hate Corinne already, and she plays this up by saying in her testimonial, “I’m full of number ones,” referring to the fact that she was the first to kiss Nick and her name was also listed first on the date card. She’s the “beach” bride, dressed in a white bikini, and spends her time leading up to the photo shoot talking about how she plans on kissing Nick again, immediately if not sooner. Not here to make friends, indeed. And just as Corinne is full of confidence and bravado, out walks Brittany, the “Adam and Eve bride” and she is clad in hair extensions, a leaf-inspired bikini bottom and nothing else. And girlfriend’s body be bangin’, which irritates Corinne to no end. Corinne off-handedly comments that she will “punch her in the face if she steals her thunder.” I’m guessing her nanny might be her best (and only) friend.
All of the brides and bridesmaids enter, and I can’t help but think what an odd “date” this is. But the “winner” (however that is determined) gets to spend some extra time with Nick, so these chicks are in it to win it. Sarah and Nick do a Vegas elopement theme, Hailey and Nick do a “biker wedding,” Alexis rolls up with a fake pregnant belly and gun for the shotgun wedding theme, Vanessa wears a hideous dress for the 80s wedding pics, and one of the bridesmaids in this theme (Jasmine) lays a kiss on the groom. Danielle L gets to do a traditional wedding theme and Taylor (Meghan Markle look-alike) does a princess wedding theme. Taylor and Nick also kiss and Corinne looks pissed. Brittany and her rocking body roll up for the Adam and Eve theme and they also kiss. And then it’s Corinne’s turn. And never one to be outdone, she takes her bathing suit top off within the first three minutes of the shoot and asks Nick to “do the Janet Jackson” (aka cup her naked boobs while standing behind her.) He happily obliges and they make out in front of everyone. The other girls are mad and they all say there’s no way Corinne will be chosen as the winner of the challenge. So, of course, Corinne is announced as just that, and she gets some extra pics, and extra time, with Nick. Nobody except Corinne (and likely Nick) is happy about this turn of events.
Soon after, Nick and the ladies all head to a rooftop bar. Corinne immediately “steals” him from someone, even though she’s already had some extra time, and all the ladies talk shit about her throughout the night. But Corinne is just getting started. He has a few brief interactions with some of the other ladies, but it seems like every time he gets going, there is Corinne again to “borrow” him. He almost seems annoyed by her, but continues to oblige her with his words (and his tongue) every time. And Corinne just seems to get drunker and more aggressive with each passing moment. The other ladies are getting irritated but she doesn’t care. After she interrupts Nick and Taylor, some of the girls encourage Taylor to go back and interrupt them. Listening to Corinne’s drunken explanation of etiquette and how her interruption was “classy” but Taylor’s “re-interruption” was rude is fairly entertaining. She has glassy eyes and slurred speech and just when you think Nick may be over her behavior, he gives her the date rose. (But only after saying, “with that being said” at least twice in the same sentence. Seriously, for those of you who are enjoying an adult beverage while viewing, try making it a drinking game. Every time Nick says “with that being said,” take a drink. You’ll be hammer-times before the first hour is up.) After receiving the rose, Corinne muses, “Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked…” As a kiss-off to the other girls, who are clearly annoyed with her, Corinne says, “xoxo Gossip Girl.” Of course she would think a generic, outdated reference like that was a solid burn. (Methinks it’s a good idea that she has daddy’s money, a pretty face and a nice, albeit store-bought rack, cause girlfriend isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.)
Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 arrives and it’s for Danielle M, the sweet neonatal nurse. It says, “our relationship is about to take off.” Liz (his former lover) isn’t happy about it. She thinks Nick needs to make some time to talk to her about their previous rendezvous. The next morning at the house, Corinne is rehashing the previous night for anyone who will listen and she drops this gem, without an ounce of sarcasm or irony: “When I was talking to him, he was… LISTENING. Guys don’t, like, listen to me.” I wonder why. Anyway, day drinking seems to be on the docket again, which of course just makes me miss my sweet rosé more than Corinne likely misses her nanny.
Danielle and Nick take off in a helicopter and he tells her they are landing on a yacht in Newport. I’m not mad at that idea for a date. (Husband, if you’re reading this- my birthday is coming up. Hint, hint.) Danielle is adorable and sweet and they drink champagne in the hot tub and make out but other than that, the date is pretty boring. I hate to say it, but I think she’s too nice for the show. And then they go out to dinner, and ever since I noticed last season that nobody eats on these “dinner dates,” it’s all I can see. There’s food everywhere that nobody ever bites into, but the drinks are a’plenty. Nick says that he and Danielle are from the same area, and they have a little boring small talk, chit-chat, and then she drops a bit of a bombshell. Apparently, she was engaged before and her fiancé died of a drug overdose and she found his body. Woah. That’s pretty heavy first-date conversation. The way she talks about it makes me like her more because I think she’s a genuinely sweet girl, but again, I think she’s too nice for this show and too good for Nick. Sadly, I don’t see her sticking around long, especially if he sees Princess Corinne as a top contender, which I’m guessing he does. Anyway, Nick gives her the rose and they make out some more on a ferris wheel. I will note, however, that as cute as I think her hair is, the ocean air did it no favors by the end of this date. But she’s still gorgeous.
Back at the house, Liz is dying to tell someone- ANYONE- about her and Nick and their previous visit to poundtown. She tells Christen everything but makes her promise not to tell. While giving details, she mentions that the sex was “awkward” and tries to explain to Christen why she didn’t give Nick her number that night but showed up to try to date him on TV instead. Christen isn’t really buying it, and neither am I. And I have a suspicion that Nick isn’t either. Date card #3 arrives and it’s for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz. The card says, “We need to talk…” and Liz takes this as a personal message intended for her.
The ladies arrive at the Museum of Broken Relationships (is that a real thing?) and Nick tells him he donated a relic of a relationship past and they have to find it. They quickly spot the ring Nick picked for Kaitlyn and my only thought is that there is no way in hell that ABC actually donated that ring to this made up museum. They hear a screaming argument (clearly a fake break up, though they all pretend to be buying it) and they find out that they are going to participate in a live symposium where they all have fake break ups with Nick. Josephine (Budget Kim Zolciak) is on board, and I wonder if there is anything she won’t get psyched about. Nick is anxious about Liz being there and wonders if he is going to need to come clean with the ladies. Christen notices that Nick is kind of avoiding Liz and Liz notices it, too. The fake break ups are dumb: Astrid uses the issue that he’s dating all of her friends, Kristina with the weird accent makes it about dental hygiene, Jaimi references household chores, and Crazy Josephine pulls out all the stops by opening with a real slap and calling him an alcoholic. Nick clearly doesn’t love the slap, and I wonder if bobo Zolciak will survive the next rose ceremony. And then it’s Liz’s turn. Oh, Liz, who seems to have forgotten the assignment in favor of spilling the sordid story of their previous hook-up, complete with details and emotion and teary-eyes. Ugh- it’s tough to watch. The other girls (except for Christen, who is in the know) are totally confused and Nick seems a little confused as well. She reads the whole thing from a notebook like it’s a short story she wrote, and it’s incredibly awkward. Nick mentions in a testimonial that they need to have a serious talk and I think Liz may have just written her ticket home.
Nick talks to a few of the other ladies (not before saying, “I’m living my nightmare” re:Liz) and learns that Kristina is from Russia, Jaimi dated a girl, and Christen knows he boned Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. He doesn’t really know what to say, so he pulls Liz aside to talk. I notice two things here- A)Liz has a massive tattoo that covers most of her back and B) her romper is not flattering, which is unfortunate because she’s a pretty girl with a gorgeous curvy figure. Nick tells her Christen ratted her out for telling and Liz just laughs uncomfortably. Nick says, “We are two adults who had a fun night and things got a little crazy” but also questions her motives for coming on a television show to get to know him when she had a direct link to him in real life if she was really interested. I mean, he’s not wrong. She says it was because he was in “paradise” (BIP) and because she doesn’t like talking on the phone. Whaaaat? Nick’s reaction is pretty much the same as mine, and he ultimately asks her to leave. And as she exits, he realizes he needs to “come clean” to the ladies. He tells them he sent Liz home, and he also tells them about Jade and Tanner’s wedding and that “Liz and I had sex that night.” And then we see that it’s To Be Continued. According to the previews for next week, it looks like all the ladies are questioning Nick’s motives and not trusting him. Whether or not that’s based on the Liz issue or something else remains to be seen.
So that’s where we are right now. Corinne is looking like a front-runner villain, much like Courtney from Ben’s season or Vienna’s from Jake’s. Liz is gone, and I would imagine that now that the ladies know their history, they are probably happy about it. I see a spark between him and Taylor, but she seems very guarded, so who knows how that will play out. And as much as I like her, I don’t see much of a spark between him and Danielle M, so I would guess her and her glorious lob will be gone soon too. And with that, I leave you until next week, when I am one week closer to being able to drink wine again and enjoy this show the way it is intended- with a solid buzz, a full glass and a belly full of judgment and unhealthy snacks. See you all next week.