“I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night. And he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light. He’s gotta be sure and it’s gotta be soon and he’s gotta be larger than life.” Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out for a Hero
Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s recap of our favorite train wreck, The Bachelorette. And speaking of train wrecks and this franchise, let’s take just a quick second to touch on the scandal of Bachelor in Paradise, shall we? About a week ago, ABC announced that they were shutting down production of BIP indefinitely due to allegations of “misconduct.” At first, nobody was in any way surprised, and then even less surprising was the news that said “misconduct” involved Corinne and DeMario. It was a lot of “he said, she said” but basically, the gist was that something hyper-sexual went down in the pool involving the two and the next day, Corinne said she was too drunk to consent. A producer who witnessed the event failed to show up for work the next day and filed a lawsuit against the show. There is a lot we still don’t know (like whether the rumor that said producer was a friend of Corinne’s, as was reported by a few “news” sites) but what we do know is that the show was cleared of wrongdoing after an investigation (which shouldn’t be that tough, as the entire incident would have been captured on camera) and will be returning to film ASAP. Whether the cast will still include Corinne and DeMario remains to be seen, but what I do know is that I am even more curious to see it now, which may well have been the entire point. It has to beat the current season, which, as much as I still adore Rachel, I have to say is a total snooze with the worst batch of losers this franchise has ever seen. So, with that being said (to use Nick’s favorite phrase), let’s recap this week.
We open where we left off last week- at the cocktail party where everyone is whining and complaining. Eric keeps shouting about how “his name was in someone’s mouth” and he ends his rant by encouraging the men to “do you. Imma do me.” Honestly, we are off for two weeks and this is what we come back to? BORING. And I have no idea why she likes Eric. He’s annoying, not cute and stirs up way too much drama. I mean, I know it’s slim pickings in that house of horrors, but there are so many better options than this douche. Lee interrupts Rach and Kenny like the true creeper he is, and when Kenny asks for a bit more time, he just stands there, awkwardly lurking, until he gets his time with Rachel. Everyone hates Lee as much as I do, it seems. Dean calls him a bitch, which makes me like young Dean even more. Lee tells her some odd, insincere story about a dead grandfather (grandmother? I wasn’t really paying attention) and etches the word “enchanting” on a piece of wood. The other guys chit-chat and complain about Lee and then Jack Stone, who is a lawyer, is apparently unfamiliar with the word “quirk.” Where did he get his law degree from, University of Phoenix online? (No offense to anyone who graduated from there. I would just rather not have you defending me in a court of law, thanks.) Dean hints at Lee being a racist (which we all know to be true now, based on the tweets that were uncovered recently) and Kenny says he’s going to “handle his business.” She makes out with Bryan- AGAIN- and calls him a “breath of fresh air.”
Kenny and Lee argue. Lee remarks that it “tickles” him when he smiles and an “angry man gets angrier.” Long story short, Rachel is annoyed by the shitshow that is the cocktail party and says she’s disappointed in the guys. She cuts the cocktail party short and heads into the rose ceremony, which goes as follows:
- Will (Urkel dude)
- Dean (hotter, younger Chris Soules clone)
- Jonathan (the doctor who is for some reason known as “tickle monster”)
- Peter (cutie from Wisconsin, clear front runner)
- Adam (maybe the guy with the doll on night one? Unclear)
- Bryan (the chiro who has a fraud allegation and lots of passion with her)
- Matt (penguin suit guy)
- Josiah (budget Sterling K Brown, also lawyer)
- Jack (lawyer with limited vocab)
- Iggy (why?)
- Kenny (single dad wrestler)
- Lee (of course)
Eric, Alex and Anthony already have roses. So we say goodbye to Diggy, Bryce and the model with great hair whose name escapes me. None are particularly memorable, though Diggy cries for some reason upon his departure. But I do like his glasses and make a mental note to do a search for similar frames.
We travel to Hilton Head, South Carolina, which looks beautiful. A date card arrives at the resort, and it’s a one-on-one for Dean that says “Our love is about to take off.” They go for a picnic and then have an awkward conversation about blimps and- surprise, surprise- they are going to be taking a ride in the Goodyear blimp. Dean is less than psyched, considering that he’s afraid of heights, but they both eventually “drive” the blimp and then get touchy-feely in the backseat, so he seems fine. Back at the resort, the other guys bitch about Dean getting a one-on-one and comment on the “age difference” (he’s 25- the youngest in the house- and she’s almost 32.) I, a seasoned cougar, married to a man nine years my junior, scoff at their concern. At dinner, Rachel doesn’t seem any too concerned with it, either, and they flirt and have great conversation. Young Dean tells a story about his mama dying of breast cancer when he was 15 and my heart literally breaks. He seems like a really sweet guy, and as an “old mom,” my biggest fear is dying early and leaving my darling boy motherless, so my reaction to this story may have a little more to do with my stuff than theirs, but whatever. It was a sweet story and Dean is really growing on me. He goes on to talk a little more about how it affected him and says that it made him grow up quickly and want to have a family and be a father. He’s kind of my favorite now. They kiss and go to a concert of some dude I’ve never heard of (Russell Dickerson?) and she says she can see their future.
Back at the hotel, there is a group date card for Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will and Josiah. They meet up with her on a boat and I love her top. She looks super cute and tells them they are going on a booze cruise. Jonathan tries to dance again and proves that this is something he should not do. Ever. Some guys do pushups with her on their backs. They “rap.” It’s all very terrible and then they go do something worse- the Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee. I think we’ve already established that these guys are far from intellectuals, so this should be fun. They have a bunch of kid judges and one by one, these guys are eliminated by words that the average 7th grader knows how to spell. Kenny misspells “champagne”, Iggy “boudoir” and Eric “facade.” Finally, it’s down to Will and Josiah and Will is eliminated on “physiological.” Josiah wins and gloats with his big, fat trophy. But slow your roll on that one, homey, cause most of these guys are borderline illiterate, so it’s not really that big a victory. Iggy calls Josiah annoying, to which the phrase, “pot, meet kettle. You’re both black” comes to mind. Iggy is as irritating as they come and I have no idea why he’s still around, as he and Rachel have zero chemistry.
Peter has some one-on-one time with her and they discuss whether they would relocate. She tells him she’s licensed to practice in Wisconsin and I’m calling it now-he’s her final pick. They are way into each other and I don’t hate it. She makes out with Eric later and I still don’t understand why she feels anything for him. Then Iggy decides to use his time with her to tell her he doesn’t like Josiah. But then he goes on to tell Josiah what he told Rachel and all the guys turn on Iggy- that is, if he ever had a friend to begin with. Many things are said, but the one that stands out the most is the accusation that Iggy “shoots steroids in his nuts.” What the whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Lee then talks to Rachel about Kenny and calls him a “ticking time bomb” and says he’s “aggressive.” I’m just annoyed that my fave bachelorette of all time is stuck with such a lame group of dudes. Thank god for Dean and Peter. Kenny talks to her to defend himself and basically calls Lee a liar, saying “his handshake doesn’t match his smile.” I mean, that, and the fact that he’s a racist. But all in due time, I’m sure. I actually really like Will, who does his best to calm everyone down and say that maybe when they are more sober and clear-headed, they can work it all out. Rachel takes off with Bryan the chiropractor and we are, of course, TO BE CONTINUED.
I will just say this in summary; I will keep watching- because what else am I going to do?- but I’ve nearly had it with this franchise. Between the allegations of possible sexual misconduct on BIP (whether there is truth to that or not, the whole intention of the show is to get people wasted and create drama) and the batch of losers that they have rounded up for Rachel, intentionally or accidentally, it’s starting to feel a little gross and gratuitous. And yes, I know it’s a reality show and the same shit has been going on for 15 years, but I am starting to find it stale and quite frankly, tough to watch. But will I grin and bear it and be back to recap the same shenanigans next week? Well, is Chris Harrison the most overpaid man in all of showbiz? The answer to both of those questions is a resounding “hell yes.” I’ll see you all next week…