Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don’t cha.” The Pussycat Dolls, Don’tcha

Hello, all, and welcome to yet another (sober) recap of my favorite guilty pleasure.  Even without the added benefit of a solid wine buzz, this week’s episode didn’t disappoint, thanks to the machinations of Princess Corinne, who even without her nanny, seems to have no trouble making sure she is never without a cocktail in hand. I called it in episode one that she would be this season’s villain (it didn’t take a genius to determine that, in fairness) and she is living up to the expectations. So without further ado, let’s get into it.

This week opens with the ladies waiting on a date card, and just like that, CH shows up, date card in hand, to make these ladies’ dreams come true. He tells them that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one this week, and warns them that there will be some girls who don’t get dates at all this week, due to the sheer volume of women left. (22, but who- besides Nick, of course- is counting?) Anyway, he leaves the date card and goes to do whatever it is that CH does for the many hours he isn’t on camera, and the women eagerly await the fate of the date card. The names on the first group date card are Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. The card says, “Always a bridesmaid.” Obviously, they are going to be doing something wedding-inspired, and who better to do it with than the guy who planned on proposing two prior times on this show and got shot down? What could possibly go wrong? Continue reading Maneater- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 2

The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1

“I’m a three time loser. Caught it up in Monterey, shook it up in East Virginia. Now my friends say it’s here to stay.” Rod Stewart, Three Time Loser

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of my Bachelor recap. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I had planned on trying to recap Vanderpump Rules this season, until I realized that nothing is happening on that show at all this year, and, well- it blows. (Sorry die-hard Pump Rules fans, but Katie does not a leading lady make, I don’t care how many tea towels she sends out to save-the-date.) Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on episode one, the most pressing of which is that watching The Bachelor without wine, quite frankly, SUCKS. (That’s what I get for committing to “sober January” again.) But seriously, without wine to make their lame jokes seem funny and to numb how stupid the whole thing really is, you’re just soberly watching a bunch of people pretend to be in love with someone they’ve known for roughly five minutes. That said, I will still watch and diligently take notes, but I will be counting down the days until my glass is full of a crisp rosé once again. But enough about me- let’s get to it, shall we?

First, I have some thoughts on Nick in general. On Andi’s season, I didn’t like him at all. On Kaitlyn’s, I liked him even less. And then on BIP, I found him at worst tolerable and at best, even kind of cool and sweet. And he also looks way better to me; I think he’s gotten a stylist, he’s clearly been hitting the gym and the beard is a major improvement, which begs the question- are beards to men what makeup is to women? I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult to say, “I like your face much better when it’s covered up by all that hair,” but whatever. I’m not trying to date him. However, after three failed attempts to find love on this franchise, does anyone even still care (assuming they once did) whether or not he finds it? Time will tell, I guess. Anyway, the beginning of this episode gave us all the same stuff they always do at the start of a season- Nick with his family (along with the requisite cute tween sister giving him advice), the awkward roundtable of Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins giving Nick “advice,” which to me seemed a little unnecessary. I mean, if anyone knows how this show works, it’s Nick. It’s not his first (or second, or third) rodeo, boys. He knows the drill. But they joke about how “the fourth time’s the charm” (that’s not a thing) and don’t hesitate to tell him that a lot of people don’t like him. I can’t help but notice that farm living has caused bachelor Chris to put on a few lbs, but that’s because I am a true garbage person. But again, enough about me. Continue reading The Comeback Kid- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 1

The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap

“So, Sally can wait. She knows it’s too late as she’s walking on by. My soul slides away, but don’t look back in anger, I heard you say.” Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger

So Paradise has come to a close, and I know what you all are thinking- thank God we don’t have to watch that stupid intro ever again. If I have to watch Evan seductively eating a banana one more time, I’m going to hunt down his erectile dysfunction clinic and burn it to the ground whilst I choke him with said banana. But my disdain for Evan and the lame intro of the show isn’t what we are here for, so let’s get to the finale, shall we?

Before we get to the meat of the episode and tackle some of the finer points, I want to say that I found the finale (particularly part two) to be a giant snooze, for two reasons. Number one- putting the remaining couples in “fantasy suites” and having them attend private “final rose ceremonies” is basically just like the finale of The Bachelor/Bachelorette and I’ve always HATED the finale. It’s so predictable. Only a few times have we ever been truly surprised (Brad Womack rejecting both women on his first go-round, Jason Mesnick choosing Melissa and then switching back to Molly on ATFR, for example) but pretty much every other time, the Bachelor/Ette chooses exactly who we think they will. And I don’t know about you, but that “finding love” crap isn’t why I watch BIP (or why I watch Bachelor/Bachelorette, if I’m being honest.) It’s all the other drama that goes down with the people who don’t find love. Give me Ashley I. crying nonstop and stalking Jared incessantly, give me crazy Chad getting wasted and threatening to murder people, give me hook-ups, gossip, drama. The other reason I found the finale so boring was that we already knew who was going to get engaged and who was going to “go home broken-hearted.” They already announced that Nick is the new bachelor, so he wasn’t getting engaged, and the other three couples were confirmed as still being together and/or engaged pretty much when the show started by The Daily Mail (what I like to call my “paper of record” because I am a garbage person and that’s where I get all my news) and a few other sites. Anyway, I watched the whole episode (obviously) and I have a few thoughts-first and foremost, I think they should go back to the Bachelor Pad format, because that show was drenched in tequila, sex and highly unstable personalities- literally everything I want from my reality TV.  Other than that, there weren’t many take-aways from this sleeper of a finale.

We open with Nick in a pair of pink shorts so tight that you can see all of his business, and as I stare at him in these plum-smugglers, I can understand a little more how he made it to the top two in his two previous go-rounds on this franchise. I wouldn’t have expected it, but Nick V. looks like he’s packin’ some heat. He and Jen both say they need time together to see if they have a shot at anything real and just then, a new girl arrives. It’s Tiara, the “chicken enthusiast” from Ben’s season (who later enthusiastically rips into a plate of chicken wings, ironically. Maybe she thinks they come from some other animal?) and of course, she has a date card. Nick goes to talk to her and long story short, he convinces her to give him and Jen her date card. They go on a boring carnival date, where they see a fortune teller who pretty much says they shouldn’t be together. At the end of the date, Nick says he’s scared of letting her break down his walls but that he feels closer to her. Jen seems satisfied with that. Sorry, sweetie, but unless you want to fight 25 other girls for him next season, this isn’t looking good for you two. Oh well. She’s young and very pretty (if kind of light on personality) and I’m sure she will be just fine. Continue reading The End of the Road- A Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In – A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 4-5

“I cheated myself, like I knew I would. I told you I was trouble. You know that I’m no good.” Amy Winehouse, You Know I’m No Good

Hello everyone. I’m back. I apologize for not posting last week. I was on vacation and had every intention of doing so- I watched both Monday and Tuesday’s episodes and took notes like a good little blogger, but I got caught up in the spirit of vacay, which, in my world, anyway, is to hang out by the pool and do as little as possible. So before we get into the meat of the most recent episodes, let’s do a quick recap of last week- the arrival of some randos nobody has ever heard of (Carl, Brett and Ryan, anybody?), the Ashley, Caila and Jared love triangle and the exit of Sarah, and Ashley, who returns five minutes later to ask if she can stay. (Spoiler alert- everyone agrees to this.) And the biggest surprise of last week- the demise of Vizzy, thanks to Brett and his lamp. And then we will get into this week, which, quite honestly, was a bit of a snooze for me, but the arrival of new people every other day continues to make my head spin, mostly because they all look a little bit similar and I’m having a hard time keeping them straight. To say nothing of Wells, another new arrival, who goes on three dates with three different girls in as many days. But at least we got to find out who the new bachelor is, and I’ll definitely be getting into that later. So let’s get started.

So most of last week centered around Caila and Jared and them trying to continue to start a relationship with crazy Ashley lurking around every corner trying to break them up. At the rose ceremony, the guys have the power, and only Daniel’s rose seems up for grabs, which Ashley, the twins and sweet Sarah are all  vying for.  Emily convinces Hayley to “take one for the team” (literally) and kiss Daniel to secure the rose. She’s not into Daniel but she does it and the rose ceremony goes as follows:

  • Grant gives his rose to Lace
  • Josh gives his rose to Amanda
  • Nick gives his rose to Jen
  • Vinny gives his rose to Izzy
  • Evan gives his rose to Carly
  • Jared gives his rose to Caila
  • Daniel gives his rose to Hayley (saving both twins)

Sarah and Ashley are both sent home, but as soon as Ashley’s car takes off, she asks to go back and pleads her case to stay and find love with someone other than Jared. They all agree to let her stay (big mistake on Jared’s part- I’ve said before that he’s too nice) and she’s back in Paradise, ready and willing to try to sabotage Jared and Caila at every turn. Some dude named Carl shows up- nobody knows him. He’s followed by some dude in skinny capri pants carrying a lamp that nobody knows either. Apparently he is named Brett and they are both from Andi’s season. Carl uses his date card on Emily (who subsequently forgets his name on the date but readily makes out with him) and Brett asks Caila out (to which she accepts, then declines, then accepts, then declines again, for a total of about 20 times before they actually end up going on the date. I’m not such a fan of Caila.) It’s a double date and while on it, Caila comes to the realization she shouldn’t have gone because of Jared. But Ashley uses the alone time with Jared to try to convince him that Caila just isn’t that into him (which I whole-heartedly agree with, for the record.) Another new guy arrives soon after and it’s… Ryan, another random dude (from Kaitlyn’s season) that nobody knows. He’s into Hayley and she reciprocates. This doesn’t make Daniel happy. But they go on a date, only after Jared tries to convince Ryan to take Ashley on the date. Hayley finds him attractive. I think he looks like a member of the 70s supergroup The BeeGees, and not the cute one. Meanwhile, Izzy mentions to some of the other girls that she was insanely attracted to Brett from the moment she laid eyes on him (the lamp guy with the skinny jeans, really?) and eventually, she shares this thought with Vinny too. Ouch. A little later, Izzy pulls Brett aside for some alone time and totally downplays her relationship with Vinny. Long story short- Vinny is done. He leaves the next day, and I feel kind of bad for him. But Izzy does not seem to, as she quasi-couples up with Brett and his beard practically the second Vinny exits. Continue reading I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In – A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 4-5

She Came in Like a Wrecking Ball-A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 3

“Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain, yeah yeah.” Milli Vanilli, Blame it on the Rain

Hello people and welcome to our weekly BIP recap. This week was full of highs and lows, tears and inappropriate PDA, with a little rain thrown in the mix for good measure. And crabs- lots and lots of crabs- and not the kind you would think, based on the nature of this show. We saw the return of Hurricane Ashley, we saw Evan needing medical attention, and we saw the aforementioned army of crabs trying to sabotage poor Nick V’s quest for romance. It seems that even the smallest of God’s creatures are against Nick finding love. So without further ado, let’s get to the episode.

We open right where we left off last week, with Evan’s feeble attempt at trying to steal Amanda away from Josh with a “self-made date card.” He boldly walks over to the two of them, mid-makeout (natch) and says “So sorry to interrupt.” He gives her the pretend date card that says something along the lines of “Evan, you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house.” She doesn’t look thrilled to be away from Josh’s tongue for more than 30 seconds, and Josh looks none-too-happy either, but not upset enough not to order (and devour) a pizza in her absence. But more on that later. Izzy remarks that the whole thing is “extremely bizarre.” Vinny calls Evan “the awkward cock doc.” I think that’s the best name I’ve heard for him thus far. So Evan and Amanda are sitting in a tree(house) where he has prepared a makeshift “date” and he asks her if he has a shot. (It should be noted that I choked on my wine at this point. Just reason number 85 to dislike Evan.) She tries to be very nice and respectful to him, letting him down gently by saying that she feels something for Josh and wants to really focus on that. We cut back to Josh, feeling something strong for his pizza, which he sings the praises of (“the best pizza I’ve ever had”) and moans as he eats it, in the exact same manner he does while making out with Amanda. Evan thinks that he is “late to the party” and should have asked her out before Josh arrived. I say that would not have made one bit of difference, but Evan is perhaps the least self-aware person who has ever appeared on this franchise, and that’s saying a lot. You can tell by Amanda’s face that she feels bad, but I wouldn’t worry too much, girl. I’m sure he’s gotten that kind of rejection a lot over the years. As she leaves, Evan confesses that he wanted a “glimmer of hope” and feels like he got one. Huh? Were we listening to the same conversation? His denial knows no bounds. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber when Mary tells Lloyd the odds of them getting together are like one in a million and he responds with, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?!?!” Come to think of it, Evan and Lloyd Christmas have a similar haircut, too. Continue reading She Came in Like a Wrecking Ball-A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 3

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser- A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 2

“Good times for a change.  See, the luck I’ve had can make a good man turn bad. So please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time.” The Smiths, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.

 

Hello everyone. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again- Chad’s gone and without him, the whole thing falls a little flat. I mean, don’t get me wrong- part one and two of this second episode were both better than anything we saw on the previous season of The Bachelorette, but without Chad and his madcap brand of crazy, I just don’t see it being the same show as it would be with him. But that’s the risk you run when you get blackout drunk, call everyone names and then shout “F*&^ you, Chris Harrison- come at me!” within the first 24 hours in Paradise. So let’s get to the episode, shall we?

I can’t believe I didn’t mention this last week, but the opening credits are the WORST. It’s a cheesy cover of the 1984 “hit” “Almost Paradise” by some guy from some band (Mike Reno) and the brunette sister from Heart (Ann Wilson) circa 1984 playing in the background, with terribly staged “pratfalls” from the cast. Evan eats a banana, Daniel pours maple syrup on himself while dressed in Canadian paraphernalia and some of the girls do awkward dance moves. It’s so bad. Anyway, after that shitshow, we open right where we left off last week, with the cast doing a slow clap that once again, Chad has been banished. Chad is shown getting aggressive with CH, and then says he’s going to “Tijuana” or going to walk home. At any rate, he gets in his goodbye van and eats cold cuts and drinks whiskey out of a bottle while saying that everything he said was intended to be funny and nobody should have taken him seriously. He thought all the girls were “vibing” his “meat taste” (yes, that’s an actual quote. I couldn’t make that up) and was disappointed that none of the girls stood up and said they wanted him to stay.  His final words are, “Do you know how many people I have to kill?” I still say that if we see Chad on the news one day charged with murder, it will not come as a shock to anyone.

Meanwhile, back at paradise camp, the girls are worried that minus Chad, they are one rose down and one more of them may have to go home. They don’t want any more girls to come, but lo and behold, another lady enters and it’s Leah, from Ben’s season. I felt bad for having no clue who she was, until the rest of the ladies from Ben’s season pointed out that she practically has a new face. Anyway, none of the girls seem happy to see her but she comes in asking everyone where Chad is because she has a  date card and wants to ask him out. Damn it, Chad! If you could have kept your drunken rage in for just one more night, we could have had a real shot at groundbreaking television here! She’s disappointed but wants to get to know the other guys. After a brief flirtation with Daniel and Vinny, she asks Nick out and Amanda is a little upset. Continue reading Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser- A Bachelor in Paradise Recap for Week 2

Almost Paradise- A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 1 (with a brief summary of The Bachelorette finale)

“Is this the way it’s really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should have known better when you came around that you were going to make me cry.” Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around

Hello and welcome to our first recap of season three of the train wreck  also known as Bachelor in Paradise. And I know what you’re thinking- aren’t we skipping something? Well, yes, we are, and that something would be the finale of The Bachelorette. I tried, guys- I really did. I took pages upon pages of notes and really tried to find something- anything- that would justify a whole post, but I couldn’t do it. So I’m going to quickly summarize a few key points of that sleeper of an episode and then we will get to the good stuff.

Where to begin with the Bachelorette finale? First and foremost, they should have called it “the most predictable finale yet,” because there was no part of me, for even a second, that thought she was going to pick Robby, even when they tried to spin it that her family preferred him, or when they tried to give us the fake out of Jordan not asking her dad for her hand in marriage. I’ll also cop to the fact I haven’t been a big fan of either of these guys from the start (just in case I hadn’t made that clear enough so far) but she was always mad about Jordan, pretty much from their first meeting. They open in Phuket, Thailand, which is where both guys will meet her family. She spends the whole episode trying to say how conflicted she is and how she’s in love with both of them, but I didn’t buy it. She knew Jordan was her first choice, Jordan knew it, her crazy mom knew it, and we all did too. But here are a few observations I made during the first scene with her family: Her little sister strongly resembles a pre-plastic surgery Kylie Jenner, and her mom looks like she’s never met a cosmetic procedure she didn’t love. And then there’s JoJo’s dad- her bald, paunchy, waistband up in his armpits on his “dad shorts,” seemingly well-intended dad… Let’s just say that I jotted down that he and JoJo’s mom don’t exactly look like two people who would end up together. And then at some point, I hear him referred to as “Dr Fletcher” and it makes a bit more sense. And then Jordan saunters in, all cocky and insincere, as usual, and it seems the parents may be on to him. But then he flirts a little with Mama Fletcher and she deems him “so genuine.” Clearly English is not her first language. And her parents just keep talking about JoJo’s previous “trust issues” to both Jordan and Robby and I can’t help thinking that this is the first time she’s come off as wildly insecure. There is another moment when she’s talking to her family and a we see a very bratty, whiny version of her, which either she’s kept under wraps all season long, or the producers have worked very hard to provide a more flattering edit for her. I mean, it’s pretty clear to see where it comes from when her mom tells Robby, “She was raised as a princess. I want to make her the queen of your heart.” Robby asks for her hand in marriage off the bat and both of her parents cry. I yawn, as the sound of Robby’s voice puts me to sleep every damn time.

Both Robby and Jordan get another shot at a date with JoJo and nothing much at all happens there. Everything just feels so cheesy and manufactured, just like Mama Fletcher’s face. And JoJo’s boobs. She gets a little bratty with Jordan when she finds out he didn’t ask her dad for his blessing to propose. Dare I say it, but was Chad right when he called her “naggy?” They both write her a letter the day of the rose ceremony. She wakes up and says she’s had a “moment of clarity.” Then they show Jordan calling both of her parents to ask for their blessing. The guys pick out rings, JoJo lays out her dress and talks some nonsense about the “most important day of her life,” and before we know it, the first car is pulling up, carrying none other than (do we really even need a drumroll here?)… Robby. I find it interesting that they never, EVER mix it up in the edit to throw us off. The person who arrives first is always, ALWAYS the loser. Anyway, Robby goes off on a tangent about their special love and at least she cuts it off before he gets down on one knee. But then, for some reason, she tells him she loves him. Not really sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but at least we are nearing the end of this giant snooze of a season. She and Robby both cry, and then Jordan arrives soon after. He gives a speech that sounds like it was written by the producers and then, he’s “down on a knee” (his words- not mine. If I never hear that phrase again for as long as I live, it will likely be too soon) and she basically shouts YES!! Then she gives him the final rose, and we move on to After The Final Rose, where I’m hoping we will at least learn who the new bachelor is, which we do not. They talk about Aaron Rodgers and whether JoJo has met him yet (in short, no. JoJo says, “It’s not our focus right now.”) and Jordan says they are moving to Dallas together. Robby talks to JoJo and gets “closure.” JoJo and Jordan admit the tabloid talk has been “tough” but they “can’t wait to go to Chipotle together.” Jordan hints that a wedding will be next year. I say that marriage will never happen. But I am happy to move on from this season and get to something interesting. So without further ado… Continue reading Almost Paradise- A Bachelor in Paradise recap for Week 1 (with a brief summary of The Bachelorette finale)

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action- A Bachelorette Recap for The Men Tell All Episode

“It started with a whisper, and that was when I kissed her. And then she made my lips hurt. I could hear the chit chat. Take me to your love shack. Mama’s always gotta back track when everybody talks back.” Neon Trees, Everybody Talks

Welcome to part two of this week’s Bachelorette recap- The Men Tell All episode. Like you, I was just excited to see the return of The Chadelor in all of his meat-eating glory, and he did not disappoint. At the very start of the show, we see Chad arrive in a town car like the boss man he is (or thinks he is) and he walks directly to a trailer with his name on it. I can only presume that trailer was full of protein powder and cold cuts, and Chad enters, with a cocky smile and a suit that I hate to admit was fitting him like a second skin. But we don’t get to see him for a little while, so let’s get to the rest of the episode first.

Chris Harrison opens with the joke, “Chad is here. And so is security.” The crowd goes wild. And then they quickly cut to a lengthy Bachelor in Paradise promo, where it appears that Chad runs amok and at some point utters the phrase, “F*#@ you, Chris Harrison.” Juicy. I am happy to see so many faces that I am sure will bring the drama; Ashley I. still appears bat-shit crazy, and still psychotically in love with Jared, for no reason whatsoever, Nick Viall is there and “falling in love” for what seems like the 80th time on this franchise, Jubilee and Lace are both among the cast, as well as the twins Emily and Haley and, according to Chris Harrison’s VO, “multiple marriage proposals.” A big fat “HELLS YES” from me.

We see the panel of guys, and I literally don’t recognize a few of them. I’m wondering if they pulled some who were let go on night one? Evan tells us that he thought, “Goodness gracious, God bless America,” upon laying eyes on JoJo for the first time. I still find him repellant and love that he was referred to as “the cock doc” a few times throughout the evening. Luke also talks about their intense chemistry from the first meeting, which I don’t think anyone- including JoJo- would deny. They show some boring recap clips, most of which focus on Chad’s overeating and everyone’s dislike of him. You can tell from the jump that this episode is Chad’s show, and we are all just living in it. They touch a little on the rivalry between Derek and Alex, but none of it is very compelling, except for when Nick B. calls Alex “manipulative, an instigator” with a “Napoleon complex.” Touché Nick B, whoever the hell you are. Wells, who says he’s “friends with everybody,” gives Alex a bit of a pass on his behavior, blaming it on the combative nature of his military training. Luke, who has also been in the military, isn’t buying it, and the crowd goes crazy when he says that maturity helps you become the guy who isn’t always looking for a fight. Subtle burn, Luke. Just when the season ends, I’m starting to come around on you. There’s a lot of back-and-forth and honestly, none of it was very compelling, but they cut to Chase several times and he’s wearing a dapper, well-fitting suit, so I pour another glass of wine and continue to watch. Continue reading A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action- A Bachelorette Recap for The Men Tell All Episode

Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 8

“He says all the right things at exactly the right times, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.” Vertical Horizon, Everything You Want

Hello and welcome to this week’s installment of my Bachelorette recap. This week, we were treated to a double dose of crazy, thanks to back-to-back airings of the overnight dates, followed by the Men Tell All special. Before I get into the first part of this recap, I want to start by saying that I’ve never particularly loved this portion of the show.  I know it’s touted as the most “juicy” of all the episodes because of the sex factor but I still think it’s contrived and honestly, pretty boring. Most people will “agree to forgo their individual rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” and so it just ends up being virtually the same thing, three times in a row. It’s a very rare season that all three don’t agree to do so, which is really kind of gross when you think about it, but I’m not here to judge. Or maybe that’s all I’m here to do. I just think that there are only so many times when you can watch the makeouts, followed by the closing of a door, followed by breakfast in bed over post-coital giggles the morning after. But I know the drill as well as they do, and I continue to watch, so I guess I am a glutton for punishment. So let’s get to it, shall we?

We open exactly where we left off last week, with JoJo crouching and crying on the ground of an airport hangar in a tight, blue dress after Luke telling her that he loves her. She is conflicted about the rose ceremony, and she cries a bit and then pulls herself together to go in and hand out the roses. She hands them out in this order: #1) Jordan (no surprise there), #2) Robby (again, pretty safe bet) and #3) Chase. She has chosen to let Luke go, even despite their “insane” chemistry, and he’s left wondering why. She cries and tells him she’s never felt as connected to anyone but was just unsure of how he felt. She sobs loudly and presses her boobies into his tie clip, presumably to comfort him. He seems sincerely sad and I find him much less creepy than I usually do. He kisses her before he leaves and tells her he misses her already. She responds with, “I’m just trying to follow my heart.” He is coming off well in this goodbye, which isn’t always the case with these guys, and I’m starting to rethink my season-long Luke bashing. In the limo, he says that he was “in love with her but never got the chance to love her.” That’s actually a pretty good line. While I still don’t find him particularly attractive, based on this scene alone, I wouldn’t be entirely disgusted if he was the next Bachelor, as is the rumor going around now. But then he cries, and his pompadour quivers with his tears. Sorry Luke.

Back in the hangar, she’s crouching again and talking to herself like a crazy person. I may have turned on JoJo a little as the season comes to a close. She just seems overly dramatic and emotional. And then I remember that she’s like 25 and if my memory serves, she carries herself like a distinguished professor compared to a 25-year-old me. So I’ll give her a pass. Though I don’t know how she manages to crouch so much in those tight, tight dresses. Continue reading Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 8

There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7

“Home, let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you. Our home, yes I am home. Home is when I’m alone with you.” Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home

Hello friends. Tonight, we saw the hometown episode, which is, in my opinion, the most boring one of the entire season, except of course for last season, when JoJo’s mom was pounding champs straight out the bottle and became a meme heard round the world, much to my delight. Tonight, however, offered no such gems- just a bunch of boring, old parents who behaved totally appropriately. Yawn. So with that, let’s get to the episode.

The first date was with Chase in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Apparently he still lives in the town where he was born and raised, and so do both of his divorced parents, which JoJo is informed she will be meeting separately. He set it up like it was going to be fraught with drama, but in standard Chase fashion, it fell a little flat. First dad comes to Chase’s house to meet JoJo, and the first thing I notice is that Chase’s house is “shabby chic,” except not really chic. At all. He’s spent a lot of time talking to JoJo about how his parents’ divorce has shaped his adult relationships, which I get, but he just doesn’t seem to have the emotional depth to back it up. But I still find him  hot. I just don’t really want him to talk. Ever. He tells JoJo he’s had a lot of “highs and lows” with his father, but now his dad is happily remarried and the relationship between father and son seems to be on the mend. The conversation is all a bit awkward, but Chase and his dad trade compliments to each other and to JoJo and his dad leaves, seemingly giving the union his blessing, should it come to that. Though before he leaves, Chase’s dad does mention that he’s not crazy about the odds- “Four guys all fighting for the same girl? What if you don’t win this one?” Well, normally, pops, I’d say not winning really ups one’s odds of being the new Bachelor, but with Chase’s sparkling personality and witty banter being as nonexistent as it is… well, I’m going to say those odds ain’t great either.

They walk thorough piles of snow to get to Chase’s mom’s house, and for once, JoJo’s bulky sweater isn’t entirely seasonally inappropriate.  It’s all or nothing with that girl- she’s either in a turtleneck and baggy pants or a crop-top and hot pants. There they meet Chase’s mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I didn’t bother learning any of their names, because frankly, I didn’t care. I had to rewind a scene at dinner,though, because when Chase toasts and says, “I hope you guys can see what I see in her,” I swear I heard his mother reply with, “You have a spectacular rack and that always goes a long way with me.” For the record, she said laugh, not rack. The mom and JoJo go talk outside. Mom tells her that she knows Chase is crazy about her. And JoJo tells her he’s better at demonstrating his affection than verbalizing it. His mom says the divorce affected him deeply, yada, yada, yada and it’s all a big, giant snooze. Meanwhile, Chase and his sister are having a virtually identical conversation inside. The producers must have really struggled to find a story line here, because it’s all so BORING. Eventually, Chase tells his mom he would be ready to propose to JoJo in the end, and then he tells JoJo he’s falling in love with her before she leaves. They both get teary. If it wasn’t for the bottle of wine beckoning me to finish it, I would have been asleep at this point. Continue reading There’s No Place Like Home- A Bachelorette Recap for Episode 7