“My mind is tellin’ me no but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yes.
Baby, I don’t want to hurt nobody but there is something that I must confess (to you). I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.”- R Kelly, Bump and Grind
Hello everyone. Welcome to week 3, when things really start to heat up at the bachelor mansion. Sadly, again, I type with a wine glass full of sparkling water and a heart that longs for a cold, frosty glass of a buttery chardonnay. Or maybe a nice, full-bodied cabernet or perhaps a bubbly glass of sparkling rosé. And if simply recapping the show without any libations is tough, you can imagine what it’s like to watch it during Sober January. But my wine withdrawals aren’t why we’re here, so let’s get to the episode, shall we?
First, we pick up a bit later than where we left off last week (or maybe I wasn’t paying attention), but we find out that A)Nick gave Christen the date rose (presumably because she was forced to be privy to the Liz secret before any of the other ladies were), and B) even though Nick hasn’t had a chance to spill all the tea himself, all the women in the house know about his prior dalliance with Liz, and they know she’s gone. This leads to a bit of mistrust of his motives, questions of whether he’s “here for the right reasons” and the like. I find it funny that all of these girls are so shocked that Nick- a three-time Bachelor loser-in-love and proven slut- would hook up with a girl at a wedding and bone her. Have they not watched him on this show before? Vanessa, especially, is grilling him. She wants to know if that is what he’s looking for, if he’s taking it seriously to find a wife and so on and so forth. I love Vanessa, but I don’t exactly think she’s in any position to do a DTR (define the relationship) at this point. I mean, when you come on a show like this, you know it’s a competition, you know he’s going to be dating at most 20 other girls and at least (if you make it to the finale) one other girl besides you. I mean, let’s face it- I’m surprised Liz is the only one who could say she had slept with Nick at this point. It’s truly only a matter of time before he plays hide-the-sausage with Corinne, but more on that later.
Nick enters the rose ceremony and drops this little gem regarding the Liz sitch- “We went to a wedding. Some things happened. We had sex.” So the ladies are all a little wary and want time to talk it over with Nick at the cocktail party. But Corinne has other ideas. While the other gals get dressed up in cocktail dresses, Corinne dons a trench coat and nothing else. She says she wants things to get sexual with Nick and she has a “cute, fun” surprise for him. This little surprise involves a whipped cream bikini that she asks Nick to lick off for her, and he happily obliges, a mere few feet from some of the other women. Things seem to be getting hot and heavy and then Nick grows a conscience suddenly and decides things should slow down a little. Just then, Jasmine interrupts them and Corinne goes off to cry about how the conversation was “so bad for the relationship” and she whines that she wants to go home. It’s clear this girl isn’t used to being told no, though I don’t think we needed this scene to tell us that.
After all this goes down with the whipped cream and the crying and all that, Corinne goes upstairs to go to sleep. I guess she thinks her presence at the ceremony is optional since she already has a rose. I believe that’s a first in all my years of watching this franchise- a contestant who is so confident in her place there that she opts for sleep instead of a rose ceremony. But Corinne herself says she has that “it factor that guys like” so I guess she’s not too worried about it. Vanessa says they are all “emotionally exhausted” and the rose ceremony goes as follows:
5. Danielle L
Corinne, Danielle M and Christen already have roses, which means Hailey and Lacey (if you just said “who?” I am with you there. Neither of those names- or faces- rang any bells for me) are sent home. At least they both left the way they came in- with little fanfare and nothing to remember them by.
The next morning, CH arrives and teases an incredible week of dates, but not before slipping in, “Corinne, you look well-rested.” He leaves the first group date card for: Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and of course, Corinne. The card simply says “Everybody” and we hear music and The Backstreet Boys enter. My first thought is that perhaps they might want to change the band name, cause “boys” is hardly an appropriate moniker, but the girls freak out as if real, relevant celebs were standing in front of them. They learn that they are going to be dancing along with BSB (and Nick) at a live show, and then the “boys” do an awkward, slightly off-key acapella version of “I Want it That Way.” They all head to Burbank Studios to meet up with Nick and learn their choreography (or “planned dancing” as Corinne would later refer to it as.) It’s clear from the start that some of them (Jasmine and Danielle L, for example) are great dancers and others (I’m looking at you Nick and Corinne) are not. It frustrates Corinne that some of the other girls are better at it than she is. “I don’t feel cute, confident, bubbly or fun” she whines, before she goes off to sulk in a corner. When that move doesn’t garner enough attention, she escalates it to crying in the bathroom.
Soon after, they are all onstage and most of the girls do at least a decent job of executing the moves and staying on beat. (Again, I say “most.”) When their dance number is over, BSB chooses Danielle L as the winner, which means she gets to stay on stage with Nick and be serenaded. They kiss and Corinne isn’t doing the best job of hiding her jealousy, unless pouting and saying “I wanted to throw up everywhere” is your idea of being a good sport. After the concert, they all go to a bar (natch) and Corinne, once again, is the first to “grab” Nick. She needs some major reassurance after operation “naked under a trench coat” was a bust and Nick gives it to her. They make out and he tells her he’s glad she’s there. The other girls are, as always, irritated by Corinne. After their talk is done, Corinne goes off by herself and falls asleep on a couch. All her conniving and whining and scheming takes it out of her, guys. After his time with Corinne, Nick takes Danielle aside and does a little making out with her, too, after they discuss their “connection.” His hands are all up on her ass but I have to say, it’s the first time I’ve seen any kind of a spark between them. Meanwhile, Corinne wakes up and talks to the other girls about how she wants a “tiny boob job.” Someone mentions that they would wait until after kids and Corinne replies that she couldn’t handle a kid and that she will need to prepare Racquel for that. When asked who Raquel is, she replies that it is her nanny, with a straight face and no hint of shame or irony. The girls are as confused as I was when I found out that a 24-year-old has a nanny, and they ask what exactly her job description is. Corinne says, “She makes my cucumber and veggie slices for lunch, and my lemon salad and my cheese pasta.” The cheese pasta is apparently very difficult, as Corinne herself has attempted to make it and failed. She also says that doing her laundry makes Raquel happy, so she would never want to take that away from her. The other girls can barely conceal their eye rolls. I can’t blame them. Jasmine may be drunk- she just randomly falls while walking. Or maybe it’s the shock of Nannygate. Who knows? Nick grabs the date rose and offers it to Danielle, who happily accepts. Corinne gets snarky and says, “Danielle is beautiful. And that’s about it.” (Hello, pot. Meet kettle. You’re both black.) Then Corinne whines and says, “I miss Raquel so much. I’ve had to do some big girl stuff here. I don’t like it.”
Back at the house, Vanessa gets the one-on-one date card that says, “You make me feel like I’m floating.” They all speculate that it’s something to do with a hot air balloon. Dominique has yet to have a date and she’s annoyed. Nick and Vanessa arrive at an airport hangar and find out they are going on a Zero G plane that simulates the feeling of being in space. My first thought was, “Wow, that sounds like a horrible date.” But I hate heights. And flipping around in the air at zero gravity. (Full disclosure- I’m only assuming I hate the second part, having never done it. But knowing myself as I do, I’m thinking it’s a pretty safe bet that I would hate it.) Honestly, this date is a little boring to watch. If you’ve seen footage of astronauts in space, this is nothing new. Except they kiss mid-float, which Nick thinks is awesome. I’m guessing Vanessa finds it less awesome, because moments later, she is puking into an airsickness bag. To be fair, Nick is actually pretty sweet while she’s vomiting, but then he takes it a little too far and kisses her right after she throws up, remarking, “You still taste fine.” Gross. He chomps his gum and holds her hair back and then they go to “dinner” (I put it in quotes because once again, nary a bite of food gets eaten) and they talk family, their connection, yada yada, ho hum. She wants to know why Nick would give the show another shot and he says he’s scared but optimistic, largely due to women like her. And then he cries like a little girl. He gives her a rose and I think he really likes her. She seems into him too, though she’s a bit more guarded than he is.
The next group date is for Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique. The card says, “I’m done playing the field,” so of course they meet Nick at a track, where we learn (or re-learn- I’m sure it’s come up in the past 3 times he’s been on the show) that Nick ran track his entire life. We see Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix and Michelle Carter and they tell the ladies that they are competing in the Nickathalon. Most of these girls don’t strike me as super athletic, but some of them surprise me. Astrid, the plastic surgery office manager, however, should have worn a more supportive bra, as her gigantic, man-made bosoms are all over the place. If she doesn’t have a black eye by the end of this, she wasn’t trying hard enough, in my opinion. They do a long jump event, a high jump, a javelin throw. At the end of a few rounds, the track stars pick three finalists to run a sprint against each other. The first person to grab the ring and make it into the hot tub with Nick gets to stay there with him. The finalists are Rachel, Alexis and Astrid. Rachel has a clear lead but she drops the ring and Astrid, who is in last place, picks it up and runs to the hot tub to join Nick, making her the winner by default. She doesn’t care though- she takes those big boobies and makes out with Nick in the hot tub in front of everyone. Dominique (who performed poorly on all the activities) is very annoyed. And of course, they all go to have drinks at a private bar after.
Nick pulls Astrid aside first and again, Dominique is pissed. Rachel attempts to give her a bit of a pep talk, but it seemingly falls on deaf ears. Alexis and Nick oddly lie down on a large poster of Nick and make out on it. Not sure what that’s about. And then he has some time with Rachel (who I can’t find a single thing to make fun of cause she seems really cool and smart) and he tells her that she’s mature and confident in herself. For once, I agree with Nick. They kiss a little and then soon after, Dominique comes to confront him. She comes in a little aggressively and accuses him of not taking the time to get to know her, which he agrees with. He tells her that he’s formed stronger connections with some of the other women and isn’t sure his relationship with her will ever be able to catch up to that, so he says goodbye to her. He tells the other girls he sent Dominique home and subsequently gives Rachel the date rose.
The next day at the mansion, CH comes to tell the girls that instead of a cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Nick has requested a pool party. The girls get excited and practically undress Nick the moment he walks in. A few weeks in this house has made the majority of these gals act like horny old women. Raven lathers him up with sunscreen and Jasmine pretty much licks him from head to toe. Corinne is still in her room primping and putting on makeup. For a pool party. She says she has another surprise for Nick and it’s a bouncy castle that they both jump in like kids at a birthday party for longer than is comfortable to the other ladies. Corinne straddles him aggressively in plain view of the other women and they make out for a while. Nobody (other than Nick, presumably) is liking this turn of events at all. Some of the girls even go inside. He eventually tells her he needs to get back to the party and then Corinne goes (you guessed it) back to bed.
A few of the girls think it’s time to warn him about Corinne. If history teaches us anything, it’s that this never goes well. Raven tells him about Corinne’s nanny. Jasmine talks badly about her, too, as does Taylor. And Vanessa wants to talk to him about his intentions, once again. She tells him she judges him, not Corinne and asks, “Are you looking for a wife or just someone to f@*% around with?” Nick brushes it off as the way things are- he’s on a show where his very job is to date a lot of women. Again, he’s not wrong. They all knew what they signed up for. And that’s where we end this episode, with the previews for next week promising more Corinne drama, particularly between her and Taylor. Then we are treated to a “performance” by Josephine, who sings a song that is so off-key and so painful to watch that it has to be a joke. Thankfully the end credits roll and we are put out of our misery. I have a feeling Nick wasn’t that lucky. It seemed like the kind of song that would go on and on.
So that’s where we are right now. I think having Nick as the Bachelor may have been a good indicator that this would be a very sexually-charged season, as rumor has it that he rarely keeps it in his pants, but I am enjoying the drama so far. I’m actually enjoying Corinne, too, in the way that you kind of root for a villain because most shows would be boring as hell without one. I think he’s really into Vanessa all-around, I think he’s most attracted to Rachel’s personality and I think he just flat-out wants to bang Corinne. We will have to wait and see if that wish comes true before the overnight dates. If I were a gambler, I would put my money on all signs pointing to poundtown sooner rather than later. And with that, I leave you. Please have a fat glass of wine for me until I can join you in that. See you all next week.