“Cause I’m bad news, baby I’m bad news. I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news.” Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes
Hello, and welcome to part two of week three’s Bachelorette recap. Obviously, the previous episode was notably Chad-centric, and this one is, too, though slightly less so. This episode focused a bit less on Chad, and a bit more on how the other guys in the house deal with Chad and try to help JoJo see what they see. Of course, there were still some golden Chad moments, which we will get to, but we also got such gems as seeing Evan’s lame tattoos and douchey necklace, Luke’s version of “rugged” and JoJo wearing a macrame top over her bathing suit. So without further ado, let’s get to the episode.
We start with a pool party, which is a complete sausage fest, in that it’s one girl and 20-some guys, and Chad, of course, is eating some kind of smoked meat. He also keeps inexplicably drinking some bright neon green drink, which could be a bodybuilding drink or absinthe- I can’t decide. Either way, he has a giant pint glass full of it in nearly every scene. Chad leaves his conversation with Chris Harrison and enters the house, where he offers the most half-assed apology ever. Evan is having none of it, and says, “You owe me a new shirt and a real apology.” Chad offers to give him twenty bucks. And then sticks to his guns that the shirt grab was only in response to Evan pushing him. I don’t think anyone is buying it. But Wells steps in and says that they all feel uncomfortable with Chad in the house. Nothing much happens to resolve anything and they all go to the pool party, where they do shots and choreograph some kind of synchronized dive, during which Evan gets a nose bleed. It should be noted that Evan, Jordan and Chad are all wearing necklaces for some strange reason. Luke is, too, but he later explains the meaning of his, so he gets a pass. The others do not, however, and should immediately remove all items of leather jewelry ASAP.
JoJo and Jordan go for some alone time, where she tells him how crazy she is about him but that she feels she needs to play it cool because she doesn’t know where his head is at. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the very act of telling him that is the opposite of playing it cool. “I’m breezy… ” Anyway, they have an awkward conversation and he decides he needs to “step it up” and make sure she knows how he feels. They make out a little to seal the deal.She also has a brief conversation with Robby and they, too, make out.
Soon, she sits down to talk to Chad, who is still eating and drinking his green drink. She tells him that he’s been very “well-behaved” and he grins like an idiot, and I can’t help but notice how creepily veiny he is. Ew. He talks to her about Evan, and basically says that if she’s at all into Evan, there’s no way she’s into him, since they are polar opposites. Evan comes to interrupt them while they talk, so Chad stomps away, angrily. As Chad lurks and sulks, he makes the observation that “97% of the guys’ conversations are about him,” and I hate to say it, but he’s not wrong. They all have something to say about Chad to JoJo. Derek explains the security guard’s presence to her, while Chad runs out into the woods, shirtless. And just like that, it’s time for the rose ceremony.
At the rose ceremony, Chad pulls Derek aside and says, “Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend, it wasn’t me.” Derek takes issue with this and explains that all the guys in the house feel physically threatened by Chad, not jealous of him. They have a silly fight wherein Derek accuses Chad of being there only to “get in front of a camera.” Chad responds with an accusation that Derek is basically a “stalker” because he watched the previous season and already feels like he’s in love with JoJo. JoJo then enters wearing a shiny, two-piece crop top dress.
The rose ceremony begins, and James Taylor, Chase and Evan already have roses. Then she hands out roses to (in this order) Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, and…. wait for it… Chad. Christian, Ali and Nick are eliminated, and Nick takes issue with the fact that Chad was given a rose over him. All the remaining men and JoJo toast, and she tells them that they are leaving the mansion for good.
Next up, they land in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania (wherever that is) and JoJo arrives in a scary, tiny plane- my own personal nightmare. They go to some resort and she says she definitely thinks her husband is in this group of guys. The guys arrive in Jeeps and do their best to look “rugged.” Evan, especially, fails miserably at this task. Date card #1 arrives, and Luke gets the first one-on-one that simply says, “I like you very mush.” If you guessed some sort of dog sled stuff, you would be correct. They go in this modified sleigh powered by actual dogs and I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor things (the dogs, not the humans.) JoJo’s outfit is very beige. It’s a good thing she’s so pretty, cause her wardrobe department is doing her no favors this season. They go to some weird, archaic hot tub that is powered by wood, and Luke has to chop it to show us how manly and rugged he is. The tub looks gross and dirty, and even though Luke explains the relevance of his dogtag necklace, and I forgive him for it, I wonder if just one of these guys can maybe rock a bare throat for a minute.
The tub is too hot and JoJo needs Luke to lower her into it slowly, like a feeble arthritis patient. Sexy. She seems drunk already. They kiss. I HATE his floppy hair. JoJo likes a lot about Luke but thinks he may be “too good to be true.” She said the exact same thing about Jordan not 24 hours prior. Apparently Luke grew up on a ranch and she digs it. He says “part of him” will always be in Texas. Can his hair be the part that he leaves there? Please? JoJo thinks he’s hot, calling him a “beautiful GQ model.” They kiss some more. They go to dinner and she tells him that she felt “immediate chemistry” with him. He talks more about being a small town kid, playing football at West Point, followed by military service, which made him value life, especially after his friend died. It’s the least creepy he has ever been to me, and JoJo is into it, too. They kiss. A lot. He gets a rose. JoJo “feels really good about Luke.” Their surprise is that they go to a special Dan and Shay concert. Who are these people that ABC gets for these “private concerts?” The crowd cheers when they kiss. The whole thing is so sweet, it gives me a toothache. The band is AWFUL but JoJo says she was “swept off her feet.”
Meanwhile, back at the house, the guys speculate if there is going to be a two-on-one date. And Chad sunbathes alone outside. Wearing a belt. With a bear a few feet away. He makes the wise observation that it’s not wise for the other guys to “poke the Chad bear.”Oh, I see what they are doing there. Clever. A date card arrives and it’s for Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan and Robby. The card says “We Could Go All The Way.” After seeing the names on the card, the guys assume Alex and Chad will go on the two-on-one.
The group date takes place at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel are going to help the guys with a football challenge. The winning team gets time with JoJo, and the losers have to go back to the hotel. Since it’s a football challenge, I’m thinking Jordan should win, but the producers have already secured a victory for him by breaking the rest of the guys into two teams and allowing Jordan to be “all-time quarterback,” meaning that no matter what team wins, Jordan does too. Before the game, JoJo makes some observations: she says Chase is “at the top of her list,” that James Taylor is “the nicest man she’s ever met” (aw, shucks) and that Jordan has “good hair.” ( I beg to differ on that one.) She also notes that Evan is small for football. Or, you know, for life. Jordan boasts about his clear advantage in this game and calls JoJo “his girlfriend.” Big Ben Roethlisberger eats Cheetos and watches and seems right at home doing so. James T takes a hit and needs a medic. They recommend stitches, but he’s hard core. You know, as most ballad-writing, guitar-playing swing dance enthusiasts are. The blue team is Robby, James T, Evan, Derek and Vinny. The white team is Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F and Grant. And as mentioned before, Jordan gets the coveted gig of “all-time quarterback.” The white team is killing it at the beginning and Jordan humbly says he’s “dropping dimes out there” and that he thinks JoJo should be impressed. Evan gets another bloody nose. I hate him so hard. Then suddenly, the score is tied with one minute left. Derek intercepts and scores and the underdog blue team wins. The white team angrily has to head back to the hotel, where Alex, Chad and Luke are awkwardly arguing.
JoJo has a cocktail party with the blue team. She sits down with Robby first, who tells her he has rapidly developing feelings for her. He even goes so far as to say he’s falling in love with her. They make out on a pool table. Then she makes out with Derek. And Jordan. And later, she gives Jordan the date rose, presumably because he, too, says he’s falling for her. I find him so absolutely insincere. Maybe it’s just me. Robby is unhappy that he didn’t get the rose.
Back at the house, the dreaded two-on-one date card arrives, and it is Alex and Chad, as expected. The card says, “Let’s get lost.” Chad is confident that he won’t be the one sent home. He calls Alex a “whiny, little bitch” and once again, someone threatens to “take it outside.” Grant calls Chad a coward and it’s clear that everybody hates Chad. Except for Chad. Chad really, really likes Chad. All the guys express their desire for Chad to go home and Chad later threatens Jordan. And I quote, “This is a show. One day, all this ends. You think I can’t find you?” Jordan says he’s not scared, but he kind of looks like he is. I would be, too. Chad loves meat. Who’s to say he’s not above skinning Jordan and eating him like a sweet potato? The guys get ready for the date, and once again, Chad is dressed in his finest fleece pullover. The silence between the two is deafening. And the height difference between Chad and Alex is staggering. JoJo admits she’s nervous about the date. She says Chad is “instant chemistry with a lot of drama” and is unsure about chemistry with Alex and thinks he’s “very nice” but isn’t sure if they can ever “take it to the next level.”
JoJo tells them that they are going on a hike. Bears abound. Alex and Chad try to outdo each other in the “mountain man” game, and neither of them seem very good at it. At least Chad dressed for the outdoors, with his cargo pants and ever-present fleece pullover. Chad keeps saying that he’s not worried at all, that he’s completely confident and that “Alex has no idea what JoJo and I have.” His idea of sparkling conversation is to awkwardly ask JoJo if she’s “ever floated the river.” When she replies that she hasn’t, his response is to shrug and say something like, “It’s really all we have in Oklahoma.” Save something for the hometowns, Chad. Don’t oversell it all at once.
JoJo asks Alex for some one-on-one time first, and he wastes no time in telling her that the Chad she thinks she knows is nothing like the one the rest of the guys see. He tells her about the threat he made to Jordan earlier in the day and how he tends to skip communication and go straight to the promise of physical violence. Chad backs this assertion up by saying (to nobody in particular) that he’s not worried that JoJo chose to speak to Alex first, but if Alex says anything about him in his time with JoJo, he will “be taking his teeth home.” And he wonders why he’s not winning any Mr. Congeniality awards.
JoJo pulls Chad aside for some time next, and tells him that while she likes the softer side she’s seen of him, she’s concerned about the things Alex told her. She explains that she heard about his threat to Jordan and a few of the other things he’s done in the house, and he doesn’t really try to explain or deny anything, other than to insist that he’s not an aggressive guy and that the other guys basically brought it on themselves. He’s clearly deranged, because she has to stop and ask him why he’s smiling during the whole conversation. They argue a little and he pretty much tells her that he gets violent to shut people up, but “if you have a better way, I’d love to hear it.” She leaves to think things over and he whistles creepily and throws rocks in the water.
JoJo cries and decides it’s time to send Chad home, but feels badly about it. She knows he has issues with most of the guys in the house but she also knows that his mom passed away only six months ago and feels like maybe that has something to do with it. I actually think she’s genuinely conflicted and she continues to come off very sincere through this whole process. I like her. And I don’t say that about many of the people on this show, past or present.
Meanwhile, Chad lumbers across the forest, whistling all the way. He lies down next to Alex and says what is probably the strangest thing ever uttered in the history of this show: “I’m not very happy with you. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed…” Whaaaaaaaaaat the actual eff does that mean? Of course, he follows it up with, “It’s unfortunate that I can’t hurt you without getting into trouble.” There’s the Chad we know and hate. He casually sips from a canteen as Alex responds. He says that he thought he and Chad would be close because of the Marine connection (maybe Chad used to be a Marine, which would explain so, so much) but that Chad always “barks” threats instead of actually communicating. Chad proves his point by speaking in non sequiturs such as “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes,” and the classic, “Milk is delicious.” I have no idea what any of it means, but it doesn’t matter, cause JoJo approaches, presumably to banish his muscled ass to the depths of Bachelor in Paradise, where we can only hope he will land.
She says the day has been confusing for her, but then asks Chad point-blank if he has ever threatened anyone in the house. He doesn’t necessarily confirm it, but he also doesn’t deny it, admitting that he has “said some things he probably shouldn’t have.” JoJo gives Alex the rose, and Chad the equivalent of a “Bye Felicia.” He lumbers away with his canteen cup and says, out loud, “Am I getting punked right now?” Chad continues to wander through the woods, confused, babbling about how he knows he and JoJo had something, and that she’s either “an actress or a complete BLEEP.” (I think we are supposed to think he said bitch, but his lips didn’t match up with that word. I encourage any good lip readers to decipher the insult and get back to me, because inquiring minds want to know.)
Back at the house, the guys see Chad’s luggage being removed, and they are giddy. Cheers all around- people raise their glasses, smile, high five… Until a few minutes later, when they hear a knock at the front door and hear the faint sounds of ominous whistling. Yep, he’s baaaaaaaaaaack. One of the guys, James F, maybe, utters the scariest phrase in franchise history. “It’s Chad, knocking on the front door.” And that, ladies and gentleman (as if there are any men reading this recap) is all she wrote. And we have to wait two weeks to see how this mess plays out. Will Chad murder everyone with the axe Luke used to chop the hot tub wood? Will Evan get another bloody nose? Will JoJo wear something she would actually choose to wear in real life? Will Jordan’s hair finally collapse under the weight of all the product? With any luck, we will find the answers to these burning questions two weeks from now. Until then, you can find me watching Bravo.