“Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain, yeah yeah.” Milli Vanilli, Blame it on the Rain
Hello people and welcome to our weekly BIP recap. This week was full of highs and lows, tears and inappropriate PDA, with a little rain thrown in the mix for good measure. And crabs- lots and lots of crabs- and not the kind you would think, based on the nature of this show. We saw the return of Hurricane Ashley, we saw Evan needing medical attention, and we saw the aforementioned army of crabs trying to sabotage poor Nick V’s quest for romance. It seems that even the smallest of God’s creatures are against Nick finding love. So without further ado, let’s get to the episode.
We open right where we left off last week, with Evan’s feeble attempt at trying to steal Amanda away from Josh with a “self-made date card.” He boldly walks over to the two of them, mid-makeout (natch) and says “So sorry to interrupt.” He gives her the pretend date card that says something along the lines of “Evan, you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house.” She doesn’t look thrilled to be away from Josh’s tongue for more than 30 seconds, and Josh looks none-too-happy either, but not upset enough not to order (and devour) a pizza in her absence. But more on that later. Izzy remarks that the whole thing is “extremely bizarre.” Vinny calls Evan “the awkward cock doc.” I think that’s the best name I’ve heard for him thus far. So Evan and Amanda are sitting in a tree(house) where he has prepared a makeshift “date” and he asks her if he has a shot. (It should be noted that I choked on my wine at this point. Just reason number 85 to dislike Evan.) She tries to be very nice and respectful to him, letting him down gently by saying that she feels something for Josh and wants to really focus on that. We cut back to Josh, feeling something strong for his pizza, which he sings the praises of (“the best pizza I’ve ever had”) and moans as he eats it, in the exact same manner he does while making out with Amanda. Evan thinks that he is “late to the party” and should have asked her out before Josh arrived. I say that would not have made one bit of difference, but Evan is perhaps the least self-aware person who has ever appeared on this franchise, and that’s saying a lot. You can tell by Amanda’s face that she feels bad, but I wouldn’t worry too much, girl. I’m sure he’s gotten that kind of rejection a lot over the years. As she leaves, Evan confesses that he wanted a “glimmer of hope” and feels like he got one. Huh? Were we listening to the same conversation? His denial knows no bounds. It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber when Mary tells Lloyd the odds of them getting together are like one in a million and he responds with, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?!?!” Come to think of it, Evan and Lloyd Christmas have a similar haircut, too.
Amanda returns to Josh and his new love, cheese pizza, and he kind of acts like a dick. She tells him she feels bad for shooting Evan down because he’s a nice guy. Josh unsympathetically eats with his mouth open and wipes his pizza grease on her bare leg. Charming. He doesn’t really seem to want to talk to her about it or make her feel better. He comes off jealous and possessive and frankly, like a total jerk. It’s odd how much I have turned on him because I really liked him on Andi’s season of the bachelorette. But I mean, come on- it’s Evan. He can’t possibly feel threatened by him, right? They go off somewhere together and he makes sure to bring the pizza box with him.
Evan talks to Jared about how it went with Amanda, and either he is hard of hearing or completely delusional, because he tells Jared that Amanda said she came to Paradise thinking about him but that she’s with Josh now. I mean, there’s a possibility that it was said in footage that didn’t air, but I strongly doubt the producers would choose to cut something like that. I get the impression that Jared isn’t buying it, and says something to the effect of, “It sucks that the guy she’s with now is 6’3″, 225.” I think he meant that as a thinly-veiled “tread lightly or he might kick your ass.” Which I definitely don’t disagree with.
We watch Daniel shave Vinny’s back in preparation for the rose ceremony. Then all the guys enter, at the mercy of the ladies, who are handing out roses this week. Nick thinks he’s likely going home. Carly has no idea who she is going to give her rose to. Josh is all up on Amanda and literally dripping sweat onto her nice dress. I’m so grossed out by him in this moment. And this is coming from someone who thought he was super-hot on his first go-round on the Bachelorette. CH enters and gives his usual advice- use your time wisely, etc- because there are 7 roses and 9 men, so 2 are going home after the rose ceremony. Christian vies for Sarah’s rose and asks if he can kiss her again. They kiss, but she doesn’t seem into it. Not looking good in the rose department, Christian. But I like Sarah- always have- and think she’s too smart and cute for Daniel. Then she goes off with Daniel, and says in her confessional that she needs a kiss from him to make her decision. They chat a little and he gets stung by a bee and he kisses her right after she pulls the stinger out of his neck. She seems underwhelmed, as I’m sure many women are after a kiss from Daniel. Her on-camera review, moments later? “It wasn’t the best kiss.” I, for one, am not surprised. Brandon and Hayley talk a little and he’s confident he’s getting her rose. Emily is concerned because Brandon couldn’t tell them apart when they swapped on the date. I mean, I agree with her, but I still can’t tell them apart and this is the second season I’ve watched them on. But then again, I’m not trying to hook up with either of them, so there’s that.
Evan is moping around and saying “I got rejected twice in one day,” and I can’t help but think that cannot be the first time that has happened to him. But he is a guy with a can-do attitude, so he approaches Amanda and Josh, mid-liplock, AGAIN, and asks to talk to her. During their chat, he brings up Andi’s book and mentions that Josh was portrayed as “an emotional abuser” and says he wants to warn her “as a dad to a mom.” The fact that someone voluntarily procreated with Evan- not once, but twice- still blows my mind. Anyway, he tells her to be careful, and I think he’s the one who should be heeding warnings because Josh is about twice his size, and if he does have that kind of temper, Evan might be finding himself on the business end of a beatdown. After Josh is finished with his pizza, anyway. Amanda says she now has “questions” and talks it over with the girls. Lace agrees with her and Amanda says perhaps she should be “more guarded.” This is only occurring to her now? Don’t get me wrong- I like Amanda and think she’s adorable and sweet- but she’s a mom to two young girls and this is the second time she’s tried to find love on a reality show. Being more guarded wouldn’t be a terrible idea for her. Lace drunkenly stumbles over to Grant to tell him what Evan said about Josh and doesn’t notice that Josh is sitting right next to him. Or she does notice and doesn’t care. Either way, Josh looks like a powder keg that’s ready to blow sweat and cheese pizza all over Paradise. He finds Amanda and she tells him to just ignore it. But Josh will not leave it alone and pulls Evan aside and says, “Anything you want to tell me?” As he’s talking, it occurs to me that Josh uses a lot of big words but I’m not certain he knows what any of them mean. All sound and fury, signifying nothing. He basically wraps it up by saying that Evan should have come to him instead of Amanda if he had questions. “Don’t judge me based on what you’ve heard,” Josh says. Evan calls him “so polished,” basically saying that he knows all the right things to say to make him come off well. And then Evan goes on to say the “truth” is his “crusade in life” and I still hate him so hard but I agree with him in reference to Josh. “There is an ocean of words but no thoughts,” Evan says. And Evan and I agree on something else, too- that Josh will explode one day from trying so hard to keep his “perfect” image intact.
Nick uses Josh and Evan’s absence to talk to Amanda himself. He also warns her to be careful and brings up the book as well. Nick admits that some of what Andi wrote about him was true, so it’s possible that there’s a glimmer of truth to what she said in regards to Josh, too. All I can think while watching this episode is how excited I am to buy Andi’s trashy exposè to read while on vacation next week. Because I am a garbage person, and I live for this kind of stuff. But enough about me. We cut between Amanda and Nick and him encouraging her to “ask the right questions” and Josh, sweating like a whore in church. Amanda seems like she’s questioning things, and she should be, if only for the sweat factor. CH enters and it’s time for the rose ceremony. It should be noted that CH is dressed like he’s on an old episode of Fantasy Island. (If there are any millennials reading this, Fantasy Island is an old 80s TV show.) Evan whines in a voice over about how he’s always “stuck” in a “self-imposed protector role” and I laugh at the idea of anyone viewing that pipsqueak as a protector. The roses go as follows:
- Lace gives her rose to Grant
- Izzy gives her rose to Vinny
- Emily gives her rose to Jared
- Amanda gives her rose to Josh
- Sarah gives her rose to Daniel (to which I said “Ew” out loud)
- Carly gives her rose to Evan
- Hayley gives her rose to Nick
Carly wants it to be clear that her rose was a platonic rose. Evan just doesn’t give up because he says Carly may have “closed the door” to romance but that she didn’t “lock it” so maybe he can “sneak back in.” Brandon and Christian are sent home, and since I knew virtually nothing about either of them to begin with, the less said about their exit, the better. Hayley explains that she didn’t see herself with Brandon, so she felt better about giving her friend Nick a chance to find someone by staying in Paradise.
The next day, Evan and Nick make fun of Josh and Amanda’s constant PDA and they’re not wrong. It’s all the time and it’s way too much. Jared and Emily spend a little time together and it strikes me how little chemistry they have. Caila, the third place finisher from Ben’s season, arrives, and all the guys are intrigued. She enters with a date card and Lace isn’t happy. She says if she asks Grant, she is going to have to “slap a bitch.” Dare I say it? I like Lace in Paradise. She seemed like a train wreck when she was on The Bachelor, but she seems in her element on this show. Plus she’s never looked better, even if the lash and hair extensions are a bit much for a day at the beach. Caila talks to Nick first and says she’s attracted to him, but that she could also see potential with Jared. The twins call her “too perfect” and I’m inclined to agree. She’s pretty and bubbly and seems sweet, but there’s always been something about her that seems less than authentic to me. One twin says, “Sometimes she’s too perfect and it comes off as condescending. What does condescending mean?” It’s a good thing those twins are pretty. Carly thinks Jared is super into Caila and Emily isn’t happy about it. Caila asks Jared out and he tells her that he’s been hanging out with Emily and needs to tell her about it first. Jared is not my flavor physically, but he has never come off badly at all on any incarnation of this franchise, and that’s tough to pull off. I think he must just be a legitimately nice guy. He asks Emily if she minds if he goes out with Caila and says that he thinks he will regret it if he doesn’t go. Emily tells him to do it but she doesn’t seem happy about it.
Caila and Jared go horseback riding. Nick talks to Emily, who feels bad about their date. Emily says she’s always “broken hearts” but not been “heartbroken” and Nick tries to reassure her and make her feel better. Meanwhile, Jared and Caila ride horses and her majestic hair bounces in the breeze. Caila calls their date romantic and Jared calls it his “favorite date in paradise.” They kiss and Jared remarks that he has “butterflies.”
Back in Paradise, Izzy and Lace get the first “double date card” in BIP history. Obviously they are taking Grant and Vinny. Emily is still whining about how she doesn’t get it with Caila and thinks she’s “prettier” than her and “just as sweet.” I’m glad her self-esteem is so high, because I think it might take a nosedive when Jared returns all coupled up after one date. Once they return, Jared asks to talk to her. She starts by telling him she likes him and he says he likes her too BUT… He thinks Caila is someone he could see himself with. He feels like he should explore things with her instead of spending more time with Emily. Emily cries and I feel bad for her. The poor girl is 23. She sobs and says, “I don’t get why people don’t like me.” I kind of just want to give her a hug and then she says, “I always meet great guys and they never pick me. It’s always someone way uglier than me.” Um, understanding a little more why you’re single. And that hug is off the table now, too.
On the double date, Izzy, Vinny, Grant and Lace make up their “celebrity names.” They are “Grace” and “Vizzy.” Grant waxes poetic over Lace and they call themselves “the strongest couples.” Izzy says she really likes Vinny and they make a pact not to go on dates with anyone else. Izzy says, “I’m totally in it to Vin it.” They go to a bar called Señor Frog’s and do a ton of shots in the middle of a foam party. Um, “foam party?” “Señor Frog’s?” Is it the 90s again? Because this sounds like what we did when I was in college. Or is Mexico just really behind the times with this stuff? The girls are lying on the floor while the guys “hump” them and Lace says, “This reminds me of high school.” Honestly, she just gets better and better. How did I ever dislike her? They do body shots (again, shades of the mid 90s) and a random girl pours a pitcher of ice water on Izzy. Lace goes full crazy girl and gets the girl kicked out. Is she always this drunk? I think the answer is yes and I have never loved her more.
Back in Paradise, Sarah and Carly invite Daniel and Evan over for a “double date” in their apartment in hopes of solidifying their rose for the next ceremony. Daniel is a party pooper- he will only drink water and eat broccoli. Delusional Evan thinks Carly is “opening the door.” What’s with him and all the door metaphors? Evan tries to do a push up with Carly on his back and can’t do it- what a surprise. She calls him “zero swag” but Daniel eats his plate of veggies and remarks that Evan is “looking pretty handsome” to stir things up. Carly admits that while the last kiss with Evan was horrible, she sometimes likes him. She’s confused. Evan says she “opened something up inside his heart” and she remarks that he’s “weird” and she “just wants him to be normal.” After the “double date,” a producer (who is inexplicably wearing a sparkly tank and cut-offs. Was she, too, at Señor Frog’s?) goes to Evan’s room to try to wake him and can’t. Apparently he’s super drunk and has been taking some medication for something. (Cock doc-related meds? Nobody knows.) An ambulance is called because he is unresponsive but he seems fine when he wakes up, though he doesn’t remember portions of the evening. They decide Carly should stay in his bed with him overnight and Carly admits that Evan is definitely weird but that she’s “super attracted to weird.” But then she also says, “There is something about him that’s so terrible.” Not a great start to romance, but there’s a lid for every pot, I suppose. And now they are making out. What the whaaaaaaaat?
Poor Nick V walks alone on the beach and laments his bad luck regarding Amanda and love in general. At least Josh and Amanda have finally gone to their room, where they belong. Oh, the sex noises that come out when they are in private. The moaning has nothing on this. Gross. The infrared catches a lot of what’s going down in that room, but all I can focus on is Amanda saying, “You’re so sweaty.” I’ve never been more disgusted.
The next day, Jared and Caila play cards like an old couple at a senior center. But he’s all in. He says he could see himself falling in love with her. He calls it “the most excited I’ve been in paradise.” That is, until Ashley I (Chris’s season) strolls in. She says she’s “still in love with Jared” and tells CH “sometimes we kiss, sometimes we don’t.” But they haven’t slept together, so her V-card is presumably still intact. We end the first episode here, but pick back up the next evening on Jared and Caila again. They seem into each other. Ashley I strolls in and I kind of hate myself that I find her Kardashian-style, over-the-top look really pretty, even if it’s way too much for the beach. She says her goal is to only cry three times this time. CH says, “Three times a day?” which tells you how often she broke down into tears last season. But she clarifies that it’s three times total. Good luck with that, girl. She is equipped with a date card and has a laser focus on Jared. She is nearly as delusional as Evan because she is convinced that she can one day be with Jared. When she walks in, you can feel Jared’s heart drop into his stomach. She pulls him aside immediately and he looks uncomfortable and quite frankly, scared. She grills him about dates and what-not thus far in Paradise and he tells her that he’s “kind of hanging out with Caila.” She flips her shit a little and pulls the twins aside to talk about it. Apparently, before the show started, Ashley tried to tell Caila to stay away from Jared because she had feelings for him and Caila gave her a promise that she would never be into him. I want to point out that she’s been there for what feels like five minutes and she’s already crying. And fixing her makeup while she cries. And asking a parrot for advice. For real.
Caila wants to leave before Ashley has a chance to talk to her, but too late- she’s already there. Ashley confronts her and Caila tries to explain herself, saying she only decided to come last minute, she didn’t know she would like Jared until she met him, etc. Ashley doesn’t buy it and she is not happy. Jared feels bad and goes to talk to Ashley. Again, I think he’s really a good guy. Ashley threatens to leave and Jared tries to convince her to stay, telling her to take Daniel out because he’s “fun.” Well…. I don’t know if I would go that far. Ashley tells Jared that Caila said he wasn’t her type and calls her a “backstabbing whore of a friend.” But she asks Daniel out and he agrees, after making a bad joke about sacrificing a newborn calf. He’s so odd. Maybe it’s a Canadian humor that I don’t get? Ashley drowns her sorrows at the bar with Jorge the bartender before her date. Jorge says Daniel is “hotter” than Jared, with “bigger boobs.” Maybe Jorge and Daniel should go on a date? Sarah is nervous that Ashley and Daniel will hit it off and leave her without a rose. I say you’d be better off, Sarah. Daniel is a douchecaptain at best, and kind of a misogynistic A-hole at worst, and you seem sweet. But I get it if you want to stay in Mexico and work on your tan.
Ashley and Daniel go to dinner and he leads with virginity questions. She looks pretty. Crazy, but still pretty. She says she’s still a virgin because she doesn’t want to waste it on someone she’s not in love with. He grills her a little more about it and then makes some ill-timed gay jokes. I think he’s terrible. He then asks about Jared and is shocked that Jared declined to bang her. Well, maybe some people aren’t as shallow as you, Daniel. Basically, Ashley says she can’t get over Jared without having a “replacement” of sorts, and he offers himself up as such. I think they might be hitting it off? Jared may be getting his wish after all. Daniel calls her beautiful and admits in his confessional that the virgin thing is a huge turn-on. He says he wants to “deflower this American beauty” and suggests that she might “want his Canadian bacon.” A whole tribe of dancers come to perform a “virgin sacrifice” and cart Ashley off. Daniel shrugs and continues eating. Of course he does.
The next morning, Ashley is crying again, loudly. Josh and Amanda still haven’t come up for air. Nick is moping around like a sad sack. Cue another arrival. This time it’s Jen from Ben’s season. I vaguely remember her face but nothing else about her. All the guys are excited. The twins think she’s one all the guys will want. She of course has a date card, and talks to some of the girls to see who is coupled up. Daniel wants a date with her and awkwardly jokes that he will “pay her in Canadian dollars” for it. She calls him “interesting.” That’s one way of putting it. She talks to Nick next and calls him “intriguing.” He says the same about her and she asks him out on the date, to which he agrees.
Meanwhile, a doctor comes to check on Evan and says he should spend a day in the hospital to be monitored. He sees this as a perfect example for a “sympathy date” (my words, not his) with Carly. She agrees to go with him and somehow, the tables turn and she realizes that maybe she likes him. She says all she’s looking for is a good guy and Evan is a good guy. That may well be true, but he’s still Evan. She says, “I’m kind of back on board with the Evan train.” Better you than me, I say.
Nick and Jen go on a boat and have some awkward small talk, some of which is about how dolphins are the only animals who have sex for pleasure. Um, okay? Not exactly foreplay, but they seem into it. They drink wine and discuss their mutual attraction. He calls her “the hottest girl in paradise.” She is very pretty. They chit chat on the beach and while he is trying to kiss her, an army of mini crabs swarm them to sabotage their romantic afternoon. Even nature seems to be against Nick getting laid.
We cut to the next morning where Nick and Evan are happily drinking coffee. One twin is dabbing something on or off the other twin’s ass-not sure what that’s about. Ashley is again audibly sobbing. I think that’s more than three for her. Caila says that she respects that Ashley “loves without hesitation” but fears it will mess with what she has with Jared. We enter into the rose ceremony, where the guys are handing out the roses this week. Sarah thinks she, the twins, and Ashley should all be nervous- none of them has a guaranteed rose. Jared and Caila spend some time alone and she tells him whenever she lets someone in, she ends up disappointed. He says he wants her to feel comfortable and trust his feelings, but he also wants her to let him in a little. She agrees to try. Ashley is freaking out, as usual. She says she just doesn’t want Jared to be with anyone. Nick tries to tell her that her feelings for Jared aren’t love, but obsession. He even goes so far as to say, “You will never be with Jared.” But she’s easily as delusional as Evan, because she isn’t hearing it. She attempts to plead her case with Jared again, saying, “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you.” He’s trying to let her down easy but he’s over it. He even goes so far as to say, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” We feel you, buddy. The episode ends with some brief previews for next week, when CH teases an “unexpected chain of events.”
In summary, I think this episode was pretty solid. A lot more happened this week, and yet, nothing really happened at all. But we saw Evan and Carly headed on the romance track again, which nobody (especially Carly) saw coming, so that was unexpected. Josh and Amanda continued to make out anywhere and everywhere, but at least we didn’t see Nick whining about it all episode long. And we got some fresh meat, particularly the wrecking ball known as Ashley, so that’s always fun. It looks like we have some new blood coming in next week, which always shakes things up. So, overall, not the best episode, not the worst, but it sure beats watching the Olympics. Until next week, may your wine glass always be full, and your DVR always be full of trashy television.