“I’m very well-acquainted with the seven deadly sins. I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in. I’m proud to be a glutton, and I don’t have time for sloth. I’m greedy and I’m angry and I don’t care who I cross.” Warren Zevon, Mr. Bad Example
Hello again. Welcome to my weekly Bachelorette recap. This week is a “special two night event,” and according to Chris Harrison, it’s to be “the most dramatic rose ceremony yet.” (I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before.) And while it may not have shown us all the drama it promised just yet, we did get to witness a lot of the ass-baggery we’ve come to expect from Chad, our very own Mr. Bad Example, and we still have another two hours to go. So let’s get to the episode, shall we?
We open on the mansion after the previous night’s rose ceremony. The house looks like a bomb went off and we see remnants of Chad’s meat plates strewn about the place. The guys collectively complain about Chad’s continued presence in the house, and Evan so eloquently describes it as follows: “There are two sides to every Chad. Douche. And asshole.” Correct me if I’m wrong, Evan, but those seem like the same side. Some of the guys take note of the fact that Chad and Daniel seem to be hitting it off in a real BFF manner and yet another complains about the fact that Chad is always eating and/or counting calories. And then in a brilliant blink-and-you-miss-it moment, the camera instantly pans to Chad counting calories. Inaccurately. Chad, (and this is a direct quote) “Okay so we’ve got 240+280 so that equals 550.” No, Chad. It really doesn’t. What a shocker that he’s not good at math.
Soon Chris Harrison arrives with a date card and a description of the week; two one-on-one dates and only one group date. Chase gets the first one-on-one and the date card says “Let’s get physical.” He and JoJo arrive at a yoga studio, thinking they are going to do some regular hot yoga. But this is the Bachelorette, and we all know that isn’t going to be the case. As soon as they arrive, the instructor asks them how long they’ve been “intimate,” so we know it’s going to go somewhere completely awkward and inappropriate. And it does. It’s some weird, highly sexualized yoga with noises and the simulation of an “angergasm,” whatever that is. I have to say, I’ve been practicing yoga for more than a decade and this is in no way like any yoga I’ve ever done. At one point, JoJo is instructed to straddle Chase while they stare deeply into each other’s eyes, and then, eventually, they start making out. With tongue. In front of the yoga teacher. It’s quite disturbing to watch. Fortunately, they soon cut to dinner at a vineyard, where she’s actually wearing a cute outfit. Finally. They do the regular get-to-know-you chit chat and it seems that they actually have some chemistry. He talks about how his parents’ divorce deeply affected him and how for him, he doesn’t take marriage lightly and is waiting to find the perfect person because he considers marriage “one and done.” As opposed to all of those people who think “meh, we will probably get a divorce” on their wedding day. Deep thoughts, Chase. Anyway, JoJo is into it. She says she is “excited” about him and “knows he’s there for the right reasons.” Their surprise is some private concert by some singer called Charles Kelly, I think. I have no idea who he is, but they seem thrilled. Anyway, they dance and kiss and Chase says JoJo “fits perfect in his arms.” Cheese, cheese, extra cheese. But they seem to dig each other.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Chad and Daniel “work out” together, and I’ve seen gay porn that contains less homoerotic imagery. But date card #2 arrives, and it’s the group date for Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad and Vinnie. As soon as the names are called, Chad says he “doesn’t even want to go” and he would rather just wait and see her alone. The guys take issue with this and they all tell Chad he’s not “there for JoJo” if he would rather not go on a group date. Evan and Chad have a weird “stare down,” Jordan calls him stupid and Chad then claps back by calling Jordan a “27-year-old failed football player who has done nothing with his life but throw a piece of leather.” Ouch. I mean, touche, but cheap shot, nonetheless. And then Chad and Alex trade some really bad trash talk that ends with one of them maybe asking if the other wants to “take it outside.” It reminded me a little of when I say to my 3-year-old, “Stop being difficult,” and his reply is, “You’re difficult.” It’s not a mensa convention at that bachelor mansion, that’s for damn sure.
Anyway, the group date takes place at the Atwater Village Theater, and it’s some kind of sex show. A woman comes onstage and fakes orgasm and it all gets weirder from there. The host tells us that the show is called “Sex Talks” and the surprise is that the men have 45 minutes to prepare their own sex talks, which they have to then share with the audience. So this begs the question: what kind of horny producers were the brain trust behind this episode? From the tantric yoga to the sex talk, somebody at ABC had nookie on the brain. Some of the guys are excited. Ali is wearing ankle boots, red jeans and a striped top, which leads me to wonder if he’s ever been able to convince a woman to go to bed with him. Chad sulks and says JoJo hasn’t “earned” his sex stories yet, because it’s “not her business.” Evan nearly orgasms in his skinny jeans when he gets the idea to use his time to not tell any sex stories of his own (I doubt he has many) but to “call Chad out,” whatever that means.
The guys begin telling their stories, and it’s mostly awkward virgin stories and dick jokes. Daniel’s story makes him sound vaguely like a serial killer- someone is tied up, and he for some reason cuts a lock of her hair? That’s some kind of Silence of the Lambs shit right there. It’s Evan’s turn next, and he mentions that he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist and says he has a “cautionary tale.” Basically, he describes someone who sounds a lot like Chad and attributes these issues to overuse of steroids. They cut to Chad in the audience, who looks like he might straight-up murder him. Evan goes back to his seat when he’s finished and Chad grabs his shirt. They scuffle a little, and then Chad takes the stage. He seems drunk. He tells JoJo he needs a “volunteer” and calls her on stage. He refuses to share a sex story and instead goes in to kiss her. She backs away and gives him a cheek. His roid rage seems to boil over as he throws the mic and then punches a door on the way out. He then pushes Evan and shouts at him. Daniel tries to break it up and gets real Canadian with a lot of “Ays” and “ya knooows.”
The next scene is at a bar. Jordan immediately goes in for some alone time with JoJo (says he’s “positioning himself”) and they talk about regret over past relationships. She calls Jordan “so open” and they kiss. Maybe it’s his personality or all the stuff I’ve been reading about Jordan in the press, but I disagree. He seems to me like someone who has a major agenda. But she’s into it, so play on, playa. Some of the other guys have brief encounters with her- Ali says he’s “ride or die.” Vinnie tries on a stupid jacket. Wells is lame. That’s pretty much all I got out of any of those encounters. And then along comes Chad. Drunk, angry Chad. He tries to interrupt JoJo and Nick B and she tells him to give them a minute, so he walks a few feet away and lurks. They get creeped out by him and leave.
Later, Chad tries to tell his side of the story and according to him, he grabbed Evan not because of the steroid talk, but because Evan pushed him on his way to the stage. Evan, puny little ED specialist, pushed Chad, all 250 plus pounds of him, the brick shithouse that Jennie-O turkey slices built? Suuuuuuure. Evan confronts him later and demands an apology. Chad’s patchy beard quivers with anger. It’s actually quite menacing. Then Chad makes fun of everyone and calls them a “parade of losers.” He even goes so far as to tell JoJo that he didn’t want to come on the date at all because of the “12 other dudes.” Has he literally never seen this show before? He starts giving JoJo a sob story about how everyone is trying to “bully the bully” to which she asks the exact appropriate question: Is Chad referring to himself as a bully? He denies that he is and she kind of starts to warm to his story, when in comes Evan. “Damn it, Evan!” shouts Chad, and then he goes around the corner to eavesdrop on their conversation. I think little Evan is going to get his ass beat before this show is over.
Evan basically tries to warn JoJo about Chad and offers up an ultimatum- if Chad stays, he won’t. JoJo is having none of it and then they suddenly cut to a shot of a random creepy deer head hanging on the wall. Whaaaaaaat?!?!?! Evan feels confident about his ultimatum. I don’t, but then out of nowhere, JoJo presents him with the group date rose. They sort of kiss and he says his kids will be so excited that he got the rose. And I quote, “Love is worth getting shoved in the face for.”
When it comes out that Evan got the rose, Chad flips out. “Is this real?” he says out loud. “Like, is this a real scenario?” JoJo gets pissed at his reaction and calls him disrespectful. She says she doesn’t like “this side” to him. I’m sorry, is this not the only side he has? The other guys are practically giddy that JoJo is angry and Chad is literally spitting mad- he hocks a giant loogie on the floor as he walks out. The phrase “hock a loogie” actually makes my skin crawl, not to mention how disgusting I find the act itself, but I have no other words to describe it. And I wonder why nobody has noticed that he’s wearing a fleece pullover on a date. But JoJo is wearing a turtleneck sweater and a leather jacket, so…
Meanwhile, date card #3 arrives. Luke is still creepy to me. And James Taylor, the almost-but-not-quite ginger-haired songbird, gets the second one-on-one. Aw shucks. Better bring your guitar, JT. I think you’re going to need it.
But before date #3 commences, Wells and Derek talk about how unsafe it is to have Chad in the house. The others chime in, and suddenly, there is now a security guard on the premises. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like this pleases Chad, to some extent. Like he scared the other guys so much they needed protection. Not that I have a lot of confidence in the pudgy security guard if the shit was to hit the fan, but I guess ABC has to do their due diligence.
JoJo comes to get James Taylor and they are dressed like 1940s film stars. They go to the Culver hotel dressed like idiots and learn that they will be swing dancing. I’m sorry- is it the mid-90s? Like, since when has swing dancing become relevant again? They are both super awkward dancers and I will restate what I said last week- they have zero sexual chemistry. And I think JoJo thinks the same thing, because she keeps saying she needs to see if they can be more than friends. He reminds me of the guy you would agree to go to prom with, only to ditch him at the after party to make out with the captain of the football team. They go to some kind of “lookout point” like it’s a 50s sitcom and she’s wearing yet another turtleneck. A giant, grey slouchy cowl neck. Is she hiding a hickey or something? She talks about Ben (natch) and James Taylor talks about how he was unattractive as a tween. Awkward as a kid, you say? Surely you jest, JT. Anyway, he’s always a bit too earnest and folksy for my liking. But JoJo calls him “the whole package” and gives him a rose. He pulls out his guitar (of course he does) and sings her a terrible song. They kiss and she claims he has “touched her heart.” I still say he will never touch her boobs.
Back at the house, we need to talk about the sweet potato incident. Chad and Daniel have a conversation and while they talk, Chad literally eats a whole sweet potato like an apple. Daniel tells Chad that he can no longer be associated with him unless he brings it down a notch. And his brilliant analogy is as follows, “Be not so much like Hitler. Be like Mussolini. Or George Bush or something.” Huh? Chad nods along as he shoves lettuce down his throat. Dry, plain leaves of lettuce. I can’t with him. Then Chad goes to pump some iron while the rest of the guys in the house inexplicably watch.
Chris Harrison enters, and tells them there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Instead, JoJo has requested to spend the day with the guys at a pool party. Chad is none too keen on the idea, saying, “I’m sure the other guys are happy to see her in a bathing suit. I’d rather not see her in one. I can tell what she probably looks like. I can kind of see through her dress.” I think you mean her turtleneck, Chad. Evan follows Chris out of the house and tattles on Chad. Chris pulls Chad outside and tells him that he has to “settle it” with Evan. I think Chris means apologize, but it seems that what Chad took from that was “beat his ass.” But we will have to wait for tonight’s episode for answers to our burning questions. Will Evan get a beatdown? Will Chad teach us more creative ways to avoid carbs? Will JoJo show up to the pool party in a turtleneck? Will James Taylor ever get out of the “friend zone?” Perhaps we will find the answers to these questions and more during the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” I, for one, can’t wait.