“I’m a three time loser. Caught it up in Monterey, shook it up in East Virginia. Now my friends say it’s here to stay.” Rod Stewart, Three Time Loser
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of my Bachelor recap. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I had planned on trying to recap Vanderpump Rules this season, until I realized that nothing is happening on that show at all this year, and, well- it blows. (Sorry die-hard Pump Rules fans, but Katie does not a leading lady make, I don’t care how many tea towels she sends out to save-the-date.) Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts on episode one, the most pressing of which is that watching The Bachelor without wine, quite frankly, SUCKS. (That’s what I get for committing to “sober January” again.) But seriously, without wine to make their lame jokes seem funny and to numb how stupid the whole thing really is, you’re just soberly watching a bunch of people pretend to be in love with someone they’ve known for roughly five minutes. That said, I will still watch and diligently take notes, but I will be counting down the days until my glass is full of a crisp rosé once again. But enough about me- let’s get to it, shall we?
First, I have some thoughts on Nick in general. On Andi’s season, I didn’t like him at all. On Kaitlyn’s, I liked him even less. And then on BIP, I found him at worst tolerable and at best, even kind of cool and sweet. And he also looks way better to me; I think he’s gotten a stylist, he’s clearly been hitting the gym and the beard is a major improvement, which begs the question- are beards to men what makeup is to women? I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult to say, “I like your face much better when it’s covered up by all that hair,” but whatever. I’m not trying to date him. However, after three failed attempts to find love on this franchise, does anyone even still care (assuming they once did) whether or not he finds it? Time will tell, I guess. Anyway, the beginning of this episode gave us all the same stuff they always do at the start of a season- Nick with his family (along with the requisite cute tween sister giving him advice), the awkward roundtable of Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins giving Nick “advice,” which to me seemed a little unnecessary. I mean, if anyone knows how this show works, it’s Nick. It’s not his first (or second, or third) rodeo, boys. He knows the drill. But they joke about how “the fourth time’s the charm” (that’s not a thing) and don’t hesitate to tell him that a lot of people don’t like him. I can’t help but notice that farm living has caused bachelor Chris to put on a few lbs, but that’s because I am a true garbage person. But again, enough about me.
Then we move on to the intros from some of the ladies. I always find this interesting because there are surely at least one or two ladies included in this opening package who make it far in the competition. A few noteworthy women from this one are Rachel, an attorney who wants us to know that she’s smart but fun (she dances while vacuuming, guys! Isn’t that hysterical?), Danielle L., a nail salon owner who is gorgeous, Vanessa, a sweet, pretty Canadian special needs teacher who is fluent in three languages, and Josephine, a nursing student who looks like a younger version of Kim Zolciak’s pre-surgery face, loves cats and seems to have a bag full of crazy. Then there’s Raven, who tells us that where she’s from (I don’t remember offhand- Alabama? Arkansas?) “you go muddin’, you shoot guns, you read your bible,” but she’s a boutique owner and classy and stylish AF y’all. There’s also a chick from Jersey who is obsessed with dolphins, and another Danielle who is a sweet, pretty neonatal nurse with really great hair. On first impression, she’s my pick, but maybe it’s just because she is cute and good with babies and I really like her hair. Yes, I’m shallow like that. And speaking of shallow, we can’t forget to mention Corinne. Corinne is a Hayden Panettiere look-alike from Miami and she runs a multi-milion dollar company with her family, according to her. And she says she would be “lost without her nanny” so of course I think, okay, here is the requisite single mom. But that notion is quickly dispelled when she asks her nanny for her snack- HER SNACK, people- and says if she went away long-term, she would have to bring nanny with her to help her do things. A Bachelor first, ladies and gentleman- a 24-year-old woman who still has a nanny in her own personal employ. Wow, the other girls are going to LOVE her. There is also a stunning counselor from Seattle who looks like Prince Harry’s new girlfriend and a girl named Liz who slept with Nick nine months ago at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Yes, you heard that right- Nick’s reputation as the guy who always bangs the girl has proven true even before night one is underway. Suddenly, I’m feeling really optimistic about this season, and not because I think Nick is going to find true love.
The endless parade of women in and out of the limos is as tedious as it normally is, but Nick is pretty easy to read when he’s into someone. Someone jogs in wearing running shoes and says she’s a fellow “runner-up,” someone brings Neil Lane with the ring she likes, another girl attempts an awkward “trust fall.” Yawn. And then Liz, his former hook-up arrives. She thinks he won’t remember her. And it almost seems as if he doesn’t- and then he tells CH he does. But I still say he had to ask her name because I genuinely believe he didn’t remember it. Some girl comes in on a camel and says “I heard you like a good hump, and so do I.” Lots of sexual innuendo from lots of the women. It’s super awkward. And then Alexis comes in. Alexis is the crazy dolphin-lover, and she’s wearing a shark costume but insisting she’s a dolphin. Homegirl seems a little drunk on entry and she wears the ridiculous costume all night.
Nick then enters, stumbles over his speech about wanting the women to feel empowered and then has his first one-on-one time with Rachel, the lawyer. They have good conversation and she seems sweet. They talk football and I think he’s into her. He has a little flirtation with a few of the women and then Princess Corinne (the adult with the nanny) gives him a bag of tokens for “hugs or whatever.” The special ed teacher Vanessa then has some time with him and just as it looks like he’s about to kiss her, Princess Corinne comes back and interrupts. They barely have time to say a word when Corinne goes in for the kiss. They make out and some of the other women are upset.
Suddenly, a lot of the women realize the cocktail party is almost over and they haven’t had any time with Nick. He, too, feels the pressure and is basically speed dating. Liz (wedding hook up) later tells the cameras, “I’m kind of glad he didn’t remember we had sex.” Wait, what? Aren’t you trying to date this guy, Liz? Do you really long to be that forgettable? Nick goes to talk to her and says he does remember and was disappointed that he hadn’t heard from her when she could have easily gotten his number from Jade. She replies that she’s there because she “got to know him by watching him on Bachelor in Paradise.” Wait, what? Didn’t you guys bone? Was this the worst sex in history? Or were they just both so drunk they don’t remember?
The girls all whine about the fact that many of them wore red dresses so none of them will stand out. Nick gives the first impression rose to Rachel (the lawyer). I notice that he says, “with that being said” a lot. Anyway, yada yada yada, CH enters and clinks his glass and it’s time for the rose ceremony. I don’t know how much money CH makes, but based on the amount of time he spends on camera each season, I would imagine he is WAY overpaid. The rose ceremony goes as follows:
- Vanessa (special ed teacher)
- Danielle (nail salon owner)
- Kristen (yellow dress)
- Astrid (something to do with plastic surgery?)
- Corinne (Princess)
- Elizabeth W (?)
- Jasmine G (?)
- Raven (stylish hillbilly)
- Christina (weird accent)
- Danielle M (neonatal nurse)
- Sarah (maybe teacher?)
- Josephine (Budget Kim Zolciak )
- Lacey (?)
- Taylor (Megan Markle look-alike)
- Alexis (Sharknado)
- Hailey (?)
- Whitney (?)
- Dominique (?)
- Jamie (Nose ring)
- Brittany (travel nurse- whatever that means)
- Liz (wedding hook up)
Clearly, based on the above info, I know nothing about many of the women who received roses. Some girls cry on their way out. Nick and the remaining ladies toast. And then we get some juicy previews for what looks to be a deliciously slutty season, with gems like “My heart may be golden, but my vagine is platinum” being uttered dead seriously. (I’ll give you one guess who might equate her lady parts with a precious metal. Hint- she doesn’t like to get her own snacks.) I’m in for the ride, even though I’ll have to watch the next three episodes sans my beloved fermented grapes. See you next week. And until then, just remember that no matter how tough dating gets out there, it could be worse. You could be the girl who slept with Nick at a wedding and then decided to go on a reality show to try to date him. Stay classy, friends.