“He says all the right things at exactly the right times, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why.” Vertical Horizon, Everything You Want
Hello and welcome to this week’s installment of my Bachelorette recap. This week, we were treated to a double dose of crazy, thanks to back-to-back airings of the overnight dates, followed by the Men Tell All special. Before I get into the first part of this recap, I want to start by saying that I’ve never particularly loved this portion of the show. I know it’s touted as the most “juicy” of all the episodes because of the sex factor but I still think it’s contrived and honestly, pretty boring. Most people will “agree to forgo their individual rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite,” and so it just ends up being virtually the same thing, three times in a row. It’s a very rare season that all three don’t agree to do so, which is really kind of gross when you think about it, but I’m not here to judge. Or maybe that’s all I’m here to do. I just think that there are only so many times when you can watch the makeouts, followed by the closing of a door, followed by breakfast in bed over post-coital giggles the morning after. But I know the drill as well as they do, and I continue to watch, so I guess I am a glutton for punishment. So let’s get to it, shall we?
We open exactly where we left off last week, with JoJo crouching and crying on the ground of an airport hangar in a tight, blue dress after Luke telling her that he loves her. She is conflicted about the rose ceremony, and she cries a bit and then pulls herself together to go in and hand out the roses. She hands them out in this order: #1) Jordan (no surprise there), #2) Robby (again, pretty safe bet) and #3) Chase. She has chosen to let Luke go, even despite their “insane” chemistry, and he’s left wondering why. She cries and tells him she’s never felt as connected to anyone but was just unsure of how he felt. She sobs loudly and presses her boobies into his tie clip, presumably to comfort him. He seems sincerely sad and I find him much less creepy than I usually do. He kisses her before he leaves and tells her he misses her already. She responds with, “I’m just trying to follow my heart.” He is coming off well in this goodbye, which isn’t always the case with these guys, and I’m starting to rethink my season-long Luke bashing. In the limo, he says that he was “in love with her but never got the chance to love her.” That’s actually a pretty good line. While I still don’t find him particularly attractive, based on this scene alone, I wouldn’t be entirely disgusted if he was the next Bachelor, as is the rumor going around now. But then he cries, and his pompadour quivers with his tears. Sorry Luke.
Back in the hangar, she’s crouching again and talking to herself like a crazy person. I may have turned on JoJo a little as the season comes to a close. She just seems overly dramatic and emotional. And then I remember that she’s like 25 and if my memory serves, she carries herself like a distinguished professor compared to a 25-year-old me. So I’ll give her a pass. Though I don’t know how she manages to crouch so much in those tight, tight dresses.
They arrive in Hua Hin, Thailand, which will serve as the location for the overnights. First up is Robby, pulling up in a side car/cart kind of contraption. I loathe him. They go to a “crazy market” (her words, not mine, Thailand tourism association) and she looks cute in a short, flouncy dress. They talk about his family, his ex, etc, and she suggests a Thai massage. Though, in Thailand, wouldn’t one just call it a massage? When in Rome… They continue rehashing all the stuff they’ve been discussing for weeks- his ex, his honesty, his love for her, how he makes her feel “safe.” I kind of tuned out a bit, to be honest. He says he’s ready to “get down on one knee.” I say he’s ready to get down in the fantasy suite, but potato, potaah-to.
They go to dinner and he shows up in white pants and a blue blazer. He looks like he’s going yachting. And his fake tan is always so aggressive. He’s certainly not my particular cup of tea, but she’s into him. She’s wearing a tight red dress, of course. Looking to get some action, are we, JoJo? She talks a little about the fantasy suite with Ben last season and how it was a turning point in their relationship. The whole time she’s talking, I keep staring at Robby’s oddly uniform hairline. Hair plugs? It’s a definite possibility, based on the rest of his grooming habits. He gives her a cheesy note that his dad slipped into his jacket at the hometowns when he looked “down” about the stuff with the ex. It said, “Stick to your plan and it will work out. You’re the man. I love you, Dad.” He insists that she keep it for when she’s feeling unsure. Um, thanks? She is “excited and confident” and reaches for the fantasy suite card, to which he says a resounding “Hell yes!” She says she hopes they will wake up in the morning and “feel different.” Well, I mean, an all-night bang-a-thon will usually have that effect, yes.
They go to their fantasy suite and it is sparse, at best. Oh well, I think all they are really looking for is a bed anyway. They waste no time making their way over to it, and in a confessional not heard by Robby, she says she knows she’s in love with him. He puts the Do Not Disturb on the door and I can’t help but think about the poor housekeeper who has to deal with the aftermath of his fake tan that will surely have sweated itself all over the sheets and potentially right into the mattress in the Thai heat. We cut to the next morning, and they have that “freshly boned” air about them. They eat breakfast in bed and she says there were moments the night before when she wanted to tell him she loved him but doesn’t want to say it until the end, when she’s sure of her decision.
Next up is Jordan. If possible, I like Jordan even less than I like Robby, but at least I kind of get it with him. She’s been so into him since day one. She meets him wearing a crop-top, of course, and they hug and my husband glances over from whatever he’s looking at on his phone and says, “Is it wrong that I hope a tsunami just comes to swallow the two of them, just so we don’t ever have to see them again?” Wrong? Probably. Understandable? Definitely. He tells her she looks “sporty” and I hate him a little more with every insincere word that comes out of his mouth. They go on a hike and enter a cave, where I fear they may run into a Komodo dragon. And then I remember that they live mostly in Indonesia, so I relax a little, but not altogether, because you never want to be unprepared for a Komodo attack. JoJo says, “We are going into the temple, so I better put this on,” as she throws a denim button-up over her glorified bikini top. You know, out of respect for the culture. “I need to cover my shoulders,” she says, which leaves me wondering if they have no such policy regarding ass cheeks, since her cut-offs are obscenely short. She complains that they can’t kiss inside the temple but that she “can’t keep her hands off” Jordan. Calm down, kids. You aren’t 16-year-old virgins away from mom and dad for the first time. I think you can refrain from sticking your tongues down each other’s throats for the duration of the temple visit. They talk about their families and she says that her dad “worries” and that her mom is “crazy and fun.” Yeah, we remember her guzzling the veuve straight outta the bottle like a trash can hobo from the hometowns last season. She’s afraid he’s not ready for a future and wonders if he’s “too good to be true.” My money is on yes.
They go to dinner, where of course she’s wearing a two-piece dress. Jordan keeps talking about wanting to talk to her dad and make sure things are good with him. She asks him what the next year looks like and he says he doesn’t know. She tells him she’s not interested in long distance. But he assures her he doesn’t need a “home base.” Just what every girl wants- a homeless guy without a job or a plan. She gets so insecure and needy around him. He tells her he wants to spend his life with her, to which she snaps back, “That’s what Ben said.” She asks how he knows and he throws out every cliché in the book, including, “I just know.” With that, she whips out the fantasy suite card and he says, “Hmmmmm… okay.” He’s totally playing a game. But she’s into it. Their suite is a little nicer than the one she and Robby had, but again, it’s all about the bedroom. The next morning plays out almost identically to the night with Robby; breakfast in bed, her repeating the same line, “It’s our first breakfast together.” They can’t stop kissing and it’s a little off-putting in the harsh light of morning. She says she now understands how Ben could have fallen for two people.
Next up is Chase. Sweet, hot, boring Chase. He arrives on a scooter and she’s in cut-offs, again. Did she pack light for Thailand? Is this multiple pairs of short jean shorts, or is she recycling the same pair over and over again? These are the things I want to know. They go to a fish market. “It smells like fish,” JoJo remarks. Astute observation, as you’re literally knee deep in fish. She calls Chase “extra playful” because he holds a fish for a minute and jokes around. Doesn’t take much, does it? They go on a boat to a village and make out all the while. There are monkeys everywhere. Again, Chase struggles with words, as he says something like, “a magical place with monkeys, fishermen, saltwater and fish.” Oh, Chase, just take off your top and be quiet. That’s all we need from you. They chit chat about hometowns and toast to how far they’ve come. They strip down and swim and I can’t help thinking that it’s a good thing she’s so young and so tiny, because a white bikini can be very unforgiving. But she rocks it.
When she gets back, Robby goes to her hotel room. I find it a little creepy. I find a lot about Robby a little creepy. I’m not calling him a stalker, per se, but I think he could be the kind of guy that has those tendencies. But she’s not wise enough to see that move as a manipulation on his part. I’ve got your number, though, Robby. I know exactly what kind of guy you are.
She and Chase go to dinner and his white shirt looks pirate-esque. Their conversation feels forced and awkward. He says he’s scared of the competition with the other guys and I kind of lost interest in the conversation. I think she did, too, and just gave him the fantasy suite card to get him to stop talking. “Absolutely!’ he agrees, and it makes me ponder whether any guy has ever turned down the fantasy suite on any season of the Bachelorette. I need to do some research but my gut instinct would be no. He starts to tell her he loves her and is stumbling over his words a bit. She doesn’t seem to take it well. He tells her he’s never said it to any girl before and she says, “Thank you.” And them promptly leaves the room. I’m not sure this is a good sign for you, Chase. Outside, she says she doesn’t want to hurt him but that she “feels sick to her stomach.” Probably not the response he was aiming for. He’s just chilling in the suite alone and she eventually comes back in and tells him that she didn’t feel the way she thought she would upon hearing he loved her. She says it would be unfair to keep him. He’s pissed and chugs his champagne before leaving the room. As masculine as Chase is, there’s just no way to make that look manly. Maybe if it was a beer? He’s angry that he told her he loved her and leaves the suite. She cries and chases (haha) Chase. Once again, she cries, “I don’t know how to do this!” He exits in a rent-a-van and comments that it’s like “pull your pants down and kick you in the nuts.” Such a wordsmith. He says he’s embarrassed that he said “I love you.”
At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison asks Jordan why he “feels confident.” Because he’s a cocky bastard, I presume. Jordan always feels confident. He’s wearing cropped skinny khakis and his ever-present smirk. Chris Harrison then asks Robby what his alone time with JoJo was like, and I’m too distracted by how hairy Robby is to listen to the answer. Robby has opted for tight white jeans and moccasins as his rose ceremony ensemble. JoJo enters, and I’ve never seen her in a dress so flowy. She tells the guys she sent Chase home, and suddenly, in walks Chase. He asks to speak to her alone, and I notice that his pants are tight too. But I’m not mad at it. He apologizes to her for his response and tells her he cares too much for it to end that way. He tells her he’s proud of her, impressed by her and mostly, not mad at her. I’m glad that he came back because he was the only one I liked and I didn’t want him leaving looking like a jerk. He tells her he wants her to find love, and she cries and says, “When did falling in love become so hard?”
She tells the other guys that she sent Chase home because her feelings for him didn’t compare with her feelings for them. She says she’s excited about the future, but insists on having a rose ceremony because it’s ” a two-way street.” She gives the first rose to Jordan and the second to Robby. Another random monkey walks by as she muses that she feels badly because neither guy knows just how strong her feelings are for the other.
So, just like that, this season is winding down. I, for one, am excited for it to be over because I lost interest a long time ago. It’s been clear since about week one or two who the final guys were going to be, so there’s been very little suspense or drama. I appreciated the long Bachelor in Paradise promo, and was happy to see so many familiar (crazy) faces. (Anyone remember Lace?) I will follow this up with a recap of the Men Tell All episode tomorrow, which, in my opinion, was a lot more entertaining than this. And then it’s the finale, and paradise, here we come. My money is still on Jordan to be the winner. Until then, I’ll be attempting to keep my rosé cold in this heat wave while catching up on all the Bravo on my DVR.