Who Says You Can’t Go Home- A Bachelor Recap for Nick’s Season, Episode 4

“Times have changed and times are strange.
Here I come, but I ain’t the same.
Mama, I’m coming home” Ozzy Osbourne, Mama I’m Coming Home

Hello all. Welcome to week 4, where it seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same in Bachelor Nick’s world, metaphorically and literally. This week, we were treated to an early hometown, with all fifteen of the remaining women heading to the suburb of Milwaukee (Waukesha, Wisconsin) where Nick grew up. But before we get into that, there is a bit of ground to cover while we wrap up last week’s pool party (with the infamous sexy bounce house) and the rose ceremony that follows. And there is also the amazing GoFundMe that someone set up for Corinne’s nanny that’s worth a google search if you haven’t yet seen it. (#freeraquel) So let’s get to it, shall we? (And let’s all “cheers” to the fact that this is the last one of these I will watch sober.)

We pick up right where we left off last week, in the throes of the pool party that “Nick” opted to have instead of a cocktail party. (I still laugh every week when they try to pass it off as Nick making any of the decisions when we all clearly know the producers mastermind all of it.) Everyone is pretty pissed that Corinne made a big show of straddling Nick in the bounce house and then flounced off to go to sleep- again. Jasmine wants to confront him about it but Vanessa has already beat her to it.  We are treated to more of her “do you want a wife or just someone to f*%$ around with” speech, with her telling Nick that if he’s looking for a sexual thing, she has no problem giving him back the rose he gave her on their one-on-one. Nick seems super uncomfortable and again, I agree with him on this one. They aren’t even down to single digits as far as the ladies go. It’s a bit early for her to be giving ultimatums. But Nick agrees that he needs to listen to what she’s saying because he cares what she thinks of his actions and behaviors. I’m calling it now- she will be in the top three at the very least, if not the winner.

CH enters and says it’s time for Nick to go. All the ladies are still pissed that Corinne seems to be only attending things when she wants to. I have to say, it’s ballsy that she’s so confident in her place there that she thinks she can just pick and choose her moments to show up. Or she’s narcoleptic. Or a combination of the two. Sarah and Taylor wake Corinne up to tell her that everyone is a bit annoyed by her antics. They call her “entitled,” to which she takes issue. She argues that there’s nothing entitled about her, and her nanny will back her up on that, guys. Once she’s finished making cheese pasta for her after her nap, of course. Corinne calls Sarah and Taylor “obsessed” with her, and utters the oh-so-original phrase, “Imma do me.” As they walk into the rose ceremony, Corinne holds Rachel’s hand and seems a little unsteady. Is she drunk? Taylor says that some of the other girls may choose to leave if Corinne gets a rose. I’m calling her bluff on that one. Before they start the ceremony, CH approaches Nick with the line, “We gotta talk about Corinne.” Nick basically brushes him off the same way he has the other women when the topic comes up (with the exception of Vanessa), which makes me think Princess Corinne is here to stay for a while. Nick gives a brief speech thanking the ladies for being so open and “transparent” (subtle dig?) and the roses go as follows:

  1. Raven
  2. Taylor
  3. Whitney
  4. Kristina
  5.  Jasmine
  6.  Alexis
  7. Astrid
  8.  Danielle M.
  9.  Jaimi
  10.  Josephine
  11. Sarah
  12.  Corinne

Vanessa, Danielle L and Rachel already have roses, which means Christen and Brittany are sent home. There was nothing particularly significant that stood out about those women while they were in the house, and their respective exits were just about as memorable. That said, neither was particularly obnoxious either, so I have nothing bad to say about them. After the rose ceremony, Taylor is sporting a high pony and a lot of attitude regarding Corinne. Corinne gives an awkward toast as her attempt to be as “fake” to the other girls as they have been to her. She is definitely not there to make friends. But she is right about one thing- Taylor is a bit obsessed with her. She’s very bothered by Corinne’s very presence and I just want to tell her what I tell my kid when he is paying too much attention to someone else’s business- “Worry about yourself.” CH comes in to tell the ladies that they should be “very proud” they’ve made it to the final 15. In what world is a girl supposed to be psyched that her “boyfriend” is only dating 14 other women? CH tells them it’s time to pack to “start a journey with Nick.” But before you get too excited about all the exotic locales you’ll see, girls, the first stop is going to be… Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee. They all seem way too excited about this. (My apologies to the residents of Milwaukee or the people who think it would be a fabulous vacation destination.)

Next, we see Nick’s mom and dad again. They wonder if maybe he’s coming home so early because he’s already found someone with a lot of potential. I wonder if Nick and his mom go to the same hairstylist cause they totally have the same haircut. His parents say that they’ve had their doubts that this would be the best path to happily ever after for him. What would ever give you that idea Mr and Mrs Viall? So Nick starts crying again and his dad gives us what is probably the greatest parental moment of this franchise thus far; he says, “We don’t want to see you on this show again.” Amen, Mr Viall. I’ll drink to that. (In February of course.) Nick goes to meet the ladies in a pair of tight, tight jeans. He tells them there will be a one-on-one date and it’s for Danielle L. Vanessa looks pissed. Astrid kind of does too. Nick and Danielle walk away, hand-in-hand, and the rest of the ladies go off to pout.

Nick and Danielle’s date is pretty boring. He tells her some childhood stories, they “accidentally” run into an ex-girlfriend of his, they go to a bakery to decorate some treats. Nick, ever the romantic, takes her to a field where he apparently lost his V-card. Smooth move. Then they end up at a place called The Iron Horse for a drink and Danielle is sporting a sleek, side pony and a heavy cleave. Nick is inexplicably wearing a red leather jacket, even though it’s not 1985 and they aren’t appearing in a Michael Jackson music video. Danielle talks a lot about her parents divorce and how it has affected her relationships. Does it make me a terrible person that I thought if her parents’ divorce was her biggest problem in life, then she has lived a pretty charmed life? I mean, not to sound insensitive, but it’s 2017. It’s more common than not to have parents who are divorced. Snooze. She tells him that she came into the show without researching him or watching him on Paradise because she wanted to have an open mind. He acts way too impressed by that fact. And why does he say the word “incredible” so much? He gives her the rose and they make out a lot. Then they go see some guy I’ve never heard of sing a song for them at a sold-out concert. She says she could see herself “falling for him.” I see myself falling asleep if this date lasts another minute.

Back at the hotel, date card #2 arrives for Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M and Corinne. (This means Raven will be getting the one-on-one date.) The card says, “Say cheese,” and instead of being another ridiculous photo shoot, they go to a dairy farm where they get to milk cows and shovel shit. This is literally the worst date in Bachelor history. They approach the farm and Astrid complains that it smells. And Corinne says she would rather be at a spa, eating chicken tacos. This just proves that Corinne’s only foray into a “spa” is likely taking a bath at home while Raquel feeds her chicken tacos. But Princess Corinne is NOT into this date, and for once, I agree with her. It’s not like Nick is an actual farmer. There is no reason this should be what they are doing with their day. Poor Corinne whines, “I don’t know how to do chores, let alone farm chores. I don’t even make my nanny do farm chores. Raquel is better than farm chores. She works for me.” What a lovely sentiment, Corinne. Raquel is a lucky, lucky lady. Nick attempts to milk a cow, unsuccessfully. Of course, Jaimi, the part-time lesbian, knows how to “handle a teat.” (Her words, not mine.) When it comes time to shovel the cow shit, Corinne has had her fill. She calls it the worst date she’s ever been on. She bails and heads outside, whimpering, “I just need sushi.” I feel you, girl. And now I’m hungry. Thanks a lot, Corinne.

After the dairy farm, they go for drinks and Corinne continues to complain. If I have to hear her say “shovel poopie” one more time, so help me, I will track down Raquel and give her an offer she can’t refuse to come work for me and be the nanny to my child. Yes, you heard correctly- I will go back to work if it means I can make Corinne stop talking. I will make that sacrifice for the greater good. Kristina talks to Nick, and I’m having a hard time understanding her accent. She wants to talk about her “past” and Nick basically shuts her down by saying that he knows it’s bad and wants to be able to “have the time to really get into it.” She is apparently not offended by this blatant dismissal cause they make out, a lot. Meanwhile, Corinne says, “I’m starting to get the vibe the girls don’t like me.” Starting to? They’ve been flat-out telling you as much for at least two weeks. She insists she’s “smarter than she looks” and makes an analogy about being a corn husk that you find “luxury yellow corn” inside of. Vanessa sits down with him and shows him a scrapbook that her co-workers and students made of her. It’s actually cute. Nick is way into Vanessa and she seems into him too. And yet, I find him less and less attractive with every episode that airs and believe me, the bar wasn’t set high for me to begin with. Corinne is hearing people talk about her and she wants to “address it.” She tells the ladies she doesn’t feel comfortable or welcome in the house and then Sarah asks her if she is ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Corinne says she is but the other ladies aren’t buying it. My question is, why are all of these women so much younger than Nick? He’s late 30s and the majority of the women in the house are early 20s. Anyway, Corinne finally says, “I’m sorry for SLEEPING” as if that’s the root of the problem. Then she goes on to say, “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps.” Whaaaaaaaat in the actual eff is she talking about? She says that the only reason she is willing to stay in such an uncomfortable situation is because she has very strong feelings for Nick. She then says in a testimonial that the talk with the other girls went “amazing” which only further proves how delusional she is.

Vanessa and Taylor lecture Corinne and it makes Rachel super uncomfortable. Nick uses this as an opportunity to rub Rachel’s arm sexually. Then they kiss. Again, I can’t find anything annoying about Rachel. The only fault I see thus far is that she is still on this show and participating in something that is so clearly beneath her. Maybe she will leverage this into being the next Bachelorette. The other girls are still laying into Corinne and Kristina questions if she’s “here for the right reasons.” Corinne stands up and reveals a skirt so short that I’m surprised they didn’t have to black bar her hoo-ha. She looks a little drunk and her extensions look ratchet. Run a brush though them, girl. You’re on TV. Nick grabs the date rose after saying it was his favorite week thus far, and offers it to Kristina, who I think accepts it, but again, I can’t really understand her when she talks.

The next day, Raven and Nick go on their date (the card said, “Let’s kick it”) and they go to his little sister’s soccer game. His little tween sister Bella is adorable and I feel badly that she has had to be on this damn show three times now. Let her live her life, Nick! Stop pimping her out so you can find a girlfriend. She just wants to play soccer. Raven plays around with Bella a bit and meets Nick’s parents. After soccer they go roller skating. Raven has grown on me, but I’m not sure how Nick has managed to both play soccer and roller skate in jeans that are that tight. After playing cute with Bella at the roller rink, Nick and Raven go to the Milwaukee Art Museum, which actually looks pretty cool. They have “dinner” (once again, nary a bite to be had) and they talk about family and what-not. Then she tells a crazy story about her last relationship, which ended when she walked in on him in bed with someone else, and then basically engaged in what sounds a lot like assault. I mean, who knows what one would do in that situation, but she describes “beating” the girl and then hitting her boyfriend with the girl’s stiletto. Wowza- note to self, Nick. Don’t. Cheat. On. Raven. He says he’s been cheated on too. They talk about knowing your own value in a relationship, yada, yada yada and she gets the rose.

Then we head to another rose ceremony. Danielle L, Raven and Kristina have roses, so everyone is angry that Danielle “steals” Nick first since she already has a rose. Taylor goes to interrupt and awkwardly lingers for a minute. But he’s at least into it enough to make out with Taylor, so maybe she wasn’t being as creepy as it looked. Corinne says to Josephine, “Taylor’s gross” as they both stuff their faces with fried goodies. Corinne and Taylor get into it- Corinne calls her “disgusting” and Taylor basically calls Corinne stupid. Corinne retorts with “Miss Proper” and tells Taylor she shouldn’t be a “mental health counselor.” This goes nowhere, in the same way it usually does when two young, intoxicated girls decide to have a showdown. We see that it’s To Be Continued, but they tease that it possibly becomes physical, with the tagline, “Who will win the battle for Nick’s heart?’

Ugh. I have to say, I always hate this part of the season. There are still too many girls for it to seem like he has any real relationships with any of them, and there’s just a lot of filler and boring dates. And sadly, I’m seeing more of annoying Nick from Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons and less of moderately-likable Nick from Paradise. I mean, I will keep watching, of course, especially since I can watch with a solid wine buzz next week. But let’s hope they give us something real to talk about next week, cause right now, it’s the Corinne show. Thank God for that spoiled little princess, or I would literally have finished this post over an hour ago. So here’s to hoping we can raise our glasses to a cat fight next week or at the very least an inappropriate hook-up. If not, we will just keep looking to Corinne to tell us how She. Can’t. Even. Until next week, friends.

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RhonicaPetty

Mama. Wife. Writer. Yogi. Wino. Book lover. Bad reality tv expert. Cheese enthusiast. Jack of all trades, master of none

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