“I bore myself to sleep at night. I bore myself in broad daylight. Cause I’m bored…” Iggy Pop, I’m Bored
I’m not going to lie to you, people- I had to really force myself to sit down and write this recap this week. Truth be told, I had to force myself to watch last night’s episode in its entirety because, if I’m being honest, It. Was. So. BORING. But, like any good “investigative reporter” (read: reality TV junkie), I forced myself to watch, and I forced myself to find some talking points that are somewhat interesting at the very least. So let’s get to it, shall we?
We open in Buenos Aires and, much like last week, ABC has little faith in the viewers’ grasp of where that is, as we were treated to another mini-geography lesson. JoJo arrives at the hotel, and for once, her dress is neither two-pieced, nor sparkly. She looks gorgeous in this little red, form-fitting number. She talks about how it’s the perfect city to fall in love, she’s closer to finding her husband, etc. Chris Harrison meets her for a little state-of-the-union and she confesses that Robby already said the ‘L’ word. Even Chris seems a little shocked, and he’s seen it all. She tells Chris she’s a little worried, to which I immediately thought, “As well you should be.” If someone is willing to bust out the “I love you” after knowing you for less than a month, all while you’re dating 20 of his friends, I think it throws up a few red flags. She ends the conversation saying that she’s afraid she might “fall in love with two people like Ben did.”
The guys head to their accommodations, and I immediately notice that Luke is wearing skinny camo-print jeans and a deep, deep V-tee, and they need to be dealt with. Immediately. His whole vibe creeps me out. They find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and another two-on-one, “for the first time EVER.” Nobody is happy about this. They walk and talk and all I can think is, “Good Lord, Alex is short.” And James Taylor’s festering eye wound still looks disgusting.
Date card #1 arrives, and it’s a one-on-one for Wells. Shocking, since just moments ago they focused on Wells saying he needs more time with JoJo. The card says, “Besame, Besame Muchacho,” and it comes out that Wells is the only guy in the house who hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. They other guys are shocked and they start talking about how much pressure he is going to be under to deliver the perfect kiss. Jordan and Robby seem delighted that he hasn’t kissed her yet.
On the date, Wells and JoJo walk the streets and shop for jewelry. He must be feeling the pressure too, cause he’s being super awkward. They go to some show called “Fuerza Bruta” (I think) and it’s a strange Cirque du Soleil-type thing with half-naked women swimming in a suspended pool and fake gunshots. They share a chaste hug and it almost seems like he’s going in for a kiss, but then he hesitates. Their chemistry is non-existent. Some guy named Fabio trains them to “perform” in the show, and later, in the pool, after saying he wants the kiss to be “once in a lifetime,” he goes for it and kisses her. They make out for a bit but it all seems very forced. They later go to dinner and she shows up in a sparkly crop top dress, natch. They discuss why their relationship has been slower to develop than the others and he says that he’s been “skeptical” because he feels they are very “different.” Way to angle for that rose, dude. They discuss past relationships and he says that he and his most recent ex discovered that they were more like best friends living together toward the end. They go on to debate whether passion can sustain long-term in a relationship, and she insists that if you’re with the right person, you will always feel passionate and think they’re hot. Okay, sweetheart. You’re 24. Get back to me when you’re in your 40s, in a decade(s) long relationship with a few kids. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Anyway, you can almost see in her face that Wells is in no way her forever. She picks up the rose, and in no surprise to anyone, she tells him she can’t give it to him. He does what he’s pretty much done all season long and goes away quietly- no fanfare, no drama, no spark.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Date Card #2 arrives, for Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex and it says “Living la vida Boca.” Chase and Derek are pissed, because it would seem that they have to face the dreaded two-on-one. At the group date the next day, JoJo arrives wearing yet another sweater. I thought south america was supposed to be warm? Jordan and Luke are wearing jeans so tight that I guarantee they had to lie down on the bed to wiggle into them. The date is all of them hanging out in a town square of sorts. Another big snooze. Robby calls himself a “front runner.” James Taylor whines about how he’s “out of place.” They shop, drink, dance. And then they play pick up soccer with some locals. Jordan shows off. James Taylor says he’s “never considered himself to be a sexy dude.” Sadly, I think JoJo agrees with you, buddy. They have a “penalty kick off” for a kiss with JoJo, and shocker- underdog James scores a goal for a kiss. They look like cousins kissing and I’ve never been more convinced that she isn’t into him at all, but feels like she should be because he’s “nice.” I’ve been there, girlfriend. I also noticed how funny it is that they all seem to be creatively unemployed- “song writer,” “former pro quarterback,” “former Marine,” “former competitive swimmer.” I’m not surprised in the least. Any guy who is actually gainfully employed likely wouldn’t give up his job to go on The Bachelorette.
They go to a bar. Jordan and Luke both wear black leather jackets. I think we’re supposed to recognize them as the “bad boys.” She and Luke head out to a dark corner to make out, with lots of audible lip smacking and visible tongue. Gross. She says they have a “level of passion,” which is quite clear as he has his hands roaming all up under her skirt. James T whines about their connection not being as strong as some of the others, so naturally, he decides to spend his time with JoJo tattling on Jordan’s bad behavior in the house and calling him “entitled.” As nearly as I can tell, it was an argument over a poker game and somehow, that became something he “thought JoJo should know.” I mean, I don’t like Jordan at all, but this is ridiculous. What are they- 14-year-old girls? JoJo says maybe there’s a side to Jordan she doesn’t know, so she decides to confront him about it. He gets pissed that someone would question his character, especially since he considered James a friend of his. For a minute, it seems they might have an argument, but just like everything in this snoozefest of an episode, it basically passes without incident. JoJo gives Luke the group date rose.
Derek and Chase are alone at the hotel, where Derek laughs and tells Chase that he’s “quite confident” about the two-on-one. Chase is kind of angry and tells Derek that he takes it very seriously. I find them both so boring. At least Chase is hot. They go to meet JoJo at a dance studio. What is it with this show trying to get everyone to dance? They are going to learn the tango, and again, JoJo is dressed in a cute red dress. The instructor, however, is dressed in a skirt with such a deep side slit that I’m pretty sure I saw labia. And she also presses up against Chase a few times (the instructor, that is.) Who can blame her? Chase certainly has an appeal of sorts. That is, of course, as long as he opts not to talk, anyway. They learn their dance and they are all mediocre to terrible dancers. Derek smirks that “Chase is in his head. I’m in my heart.” Deep words, bro. You should write a book. They head to dinner and I immediately think there is never anything worse than the two-on-one dinner. She takes Derek away first and they talk about how he has “come back around” as of late. They make out. So, so much tongue. Keep it classy, people. Then she and Chase go off together. She’s annoyed that he hasn’t “given her much back.” He’s surprised that she doesn’t know how he feels and vows to be more open. Even while he’s telling her how into her he is, he’s so monotone and unemotional. And I don’t doubt that he’s telling the truth. I just think it’s a good thing he’s good-looking cause Mr. Personality he is not. And all the while, my husband is so dismayed that their steaks are sitting at the table, getting cold, while they discuss their feelings and what-not. And I quote, “Steak in Argentina? That’s delicious. I would way rather have that than a stupid rose.” Chase is afraid he’s going home. I’m afraid if he keeps talking, I may die of boredom. Just take off your button-down oxford and look pretty for us, sweetie. JoJo talks more about Ben (who I personally think she’s still hung up on) and Chase tells her he wants her in his future.
They go back to the table and it seems that she has to hand out that damn rose before they even get to eat. Maybe it’s because I’m on a diet and constantly starving, but all I can think about is that damn steak. Just cut it and take a bite already, before it gets cold, woman! In a surprise to nobody but Derek, she gives Chase the rose. I hope Derek can take his dinner in a doggie bag. Otherwise that’s just adding insult to injury. Derek is not happy. JoJo cries as she walks him out. He says, “I hope you find your forever,” and then cries, A LOT, in the limo. Budget John Krasinski leaves us with his final soliloquy; “I wasn’t enough. I’m Derek. Derek is imperfect.” JoJo and Chase dance to some singer I’ve never heard of and all I can think is, “What the eff happened to those steaks?!?!?!” Chase and JoJo make out like teens at a prom, while “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” plays as a backdrop to Derek’s tears. Subtle, producers. I see what you’re doing there.
We cut to the cocktail party and JoJo enters wearing a bright blue dress with a mermaid tail. I actually like it. The color is amazing on her and there’s nary a sequin or a midriff to be found. Luke and Chase already have roses. She and Jordan sneak away and I can’t help but notice that they are like the line from Clueless every time they are together; “Legs turned toward each other, that’s an unequivocal sex sign.” There’s no denying she’s into him. And he’s really, really into himself. And wouldn’t you know it, he “opens up” about his feelings, right when he thinks he might potentially be sent home. I don’t trust him at all. Robby’s white suit is a big no, all-around. And she’s not into Alex at all. She basically recoils from his kiss. At the rose ceremony, she says she’s stressed out but hands out the first two roses to (in this order) Robby and Jordan. No surprise there. Then when it’s time to hand out the “final rose,” she breaks down and leaves the room. She chats with Chris H and just when you think she’s not going to give either guy a rose, Chris enters with two and she gives roses to both Alex and James Taylor. Alex is angry (as usual) and calls them “pity roses.” I’m inclined to agree with him.
We see scenes from next week, where it looks like not much else exciting happens other than it seems that one of the guys chooses to wear a beret, for some reason. I, for one, can’t wait to see who that is and what that’s all about. Other than that cliff-hanger, though, I have to say it- I’m really over this season right now and counting down the weeks until Bachelor in Paradise. Maybe they can turn it around, but right now it seems clear that Luke, Robby and Jordan are the final three. But as was the case last week, we did see a glimpse of something interesting in the final seconds of the show. The guys are sitting around talking about how James T “cut weight” to come on the show. He agrees and says that “a healthy 41% of my bodyweight is margherita pizza.” To which Robby makes fun of the way he “spelt” (not spelled, mind you) “margarita,” commenting that he “spelt” it like the drink, not the food. But when asked how it should be spelled, Robby had no clue, which just proves that if you make fun of someone’s spelling, not only should you know how to spell the word in question, but that you should also know that the word is “spelled” as opposed to “spelt.” And yes, to me, that was the most riveting footage of this whole week. Sadly. We can only hope next week brings something better. Until then, I’ll be catching up on RHOC, where people fake cancer and yell at each other for the entire 60 minutes each week. Stay thirsty, my friends.